On Barack 3/26/09

These are serious times, and we are fortunate to have a serious man leading the nation. I was actually glad that the press took the gloves off during President Barack Obama’s press conference. And it’s nice to see him showing some spirit when asked the tough questions (Ed Henry get Barack’s boot out of your ass). I guess the honeymoon is over. However, when these idiots say that “he showed that he is a one term president” after the press conference, and the biggest stories last week were about Obama being insensitive to people with special needs because he made an off hand “Special Olympics” remark on the Tonight Show, or Duke Coach Mike Krzyzewski saying that Barack should stick to the economy just because he picked North Carolina instead of Duke to win it all in his NCAA bracket, it illustrates how trivial we have become in our attempts to criticize this man.
Kevin Blackistone wrote an article saying that Obama shouldn’t get a pass for the Special Olympics remark just because he is black, likening his escape from criticism to the time when Nolan Richardson, former coach of the Arkansas Razorbacks and a black man, said that the school’s location in the south made it “ground zero” for slavery and thus gave it bigger, better black athletes; a comment which went for the most part, ignored. Jimmy “the Greek” Snyder, white guy, made a similar remark about black athletes and was crucified and never heard from again.
I agree he shouldn’t get a pass but he did apologize, it was a while ago, and there was no real outcry from the special needs people was there? So can we move on? I also agree the president certainly does not have the best sense of humor, but the nit-picking crybabies really need to chill. Get off his ass already, you lost…deal with it. Did you ever stop to think that the reason the president can be humor-challenged at times is because there’s nothing funny about the previous administration’s 8 years of perpetual fuck-ups? Fuck ups so bad that they have whisked this country back to the Stone Age and he has to get us out?
And why the fuck is Sarah Palin still chiming in from beyond the political grave? I know she has a special needs child and she certainly has my sympathy (no, really…I’m serious) but shouldn’t she be out on the range dry-humping a moose somewhere? And if she is so concerned with special needs children then why has she refused Federal stimulus package money that will actually go to education for those children? You’re not gonna pay that bill selling beaver hide.
But the icing on the shitcake came when people were actually calling for Treasury Secretary Tim Geithner to resign. And why is that necessary exactly? I don’t think he actually gave out the bonuses to AIG executives so explain to me again why he needs to lose his job?
Now on the other side, some people were offended by editor of the Huffington Post Roy Sekoff’s comment on CNN that Geithner has "dropped more balls than a drunk juggler." OK who was offended? Drunks and jugglers? You want offensive? I can do a considerably better job. How about “he has dropped more balls than Michael Jackson at an all-boys orphanage” or “dropped more balls than Don Imus in a Speedo”

And this bullshit about Obama taking campaign contributions from AIG are just more table crumbs to keep the peasants screaming. He took the contributions 2 years ago while he was running for office, not when these problems arose. I seem to recall George W Bush taking a few campaign dollars from ENRON, and those executives are now in prison. No indictments for AIG yet right? Do you know that they are even hating on his fucking teleprompter? Damn and I thought Bill Clinton had a hard time. Could you imagine if Obama had a Clinton-sized zipper problem? I would have so many pimp jokes I’d have to write a book.
Look, the truth of the matter is that I, along with most people my age, really identify with this guy. My first vote (when I was finally old enough) was for Bill Clinton, and I’m proud of that, but this president is special, and not for the reasons you might think. Let me give you an example…While he was giving his press conference I got a phone call asking “what are you doing?” I just said, “I’m watching Barack on CNN.” Not “the President” or “Obama.” And I said it without thinking about it, and it was when I thought about it I realized that this man really does endear himself to people. I have never referred to a president on a first name basis. I have, on many occasions referred to a president as an asshole. See, Barack actually is the guy I would most like to have a beer with, and at least he won’t make me pay for it with what’s left of my 401(k).

SPORTS

Speaking of the President’s brackets…I’m totally kicking his ass. He was 19-13 after the first round, I was 25-7. He underestimated the PAC-10. He made a comeback in the second round with 14 of his, and 11 of my Sweet 16 teams getting in.

And Formula 1 is back! Testing for the Australian Grand Prix in Melbourne has started. I’m picking Ferrari as usual, but Lewis Hamilton is still my favorite driver.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

I missed Idol on Wednesday. But I saw the elimination today sorry to be so ill informed but a white guy got booted, don’t know his name. Ok should I care?
Anyway I was at Terminal 5 checking out Bloc Party and I had no idea Kele Okereke was so tall. I thought Chris Bosh of the Toronto Raptors had learned to play guitar at first. And in the vein of TV on the Radio, The National and The Bravery, a new Brooklyn rock band impressed me last night, Longwave. They are not bad at all. Brooklyn would be the new Seattle if rock were still that popular. And how these bands can all sound like Radiohead and be from Brooklyn is weird. There is no urban influence at all, when did Brooklyn get so white?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Married only 7 years to investor George David, Marie Douglas-David, his asshole of an ex-wife claims that the $43 million post nuptual agreement she signed just isn’t enough. She wants a lump sum of $100 million and $130,000 a month alimony. Sorry to drag this on, but I just had to do the math. That's $1.56 million a year in alimony. Expenses include maintaining four homes (one on Park Avenue, one in Sweden),and $13,500 a week on clothing, hair and skin treatments, and travel. I think whoever’s home is being foreclosed or job being downsized should grab this fucking cunt and give her the Marie Antoinette her assholeness is begging for! Use a dull blade too. Damn I'm angry...I need a drink, excuse me.

The JB Random Report 3/18/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I shouldn’t laugh upon hearing the news that racist and overall asshole Don Imus has stage II prostate cancer right? Ok so why can’t I stop? And since when does he have balls?

Just in case you needed another reason to hate insurance companies…After receiving more than $170 billion in Federal bail-out money, AIG Insurance decided to use about $450 million of that cash to give out executive bonuses. Un-fucking-believeable. Their argument being that the bonuses were in their contracts and thus the execs were entitled to them. Sure, until you declare a state of financial emergency, an act which effectively voids such contracts. And why don’t I feel better about the Congressional hearings held today “explaining” all this?
Rep. Barney Frank, Chairman of the House Financial Services Committee and without a doubt the coolest gay man in public office said it best, paying millions in executive bonuses to these assholes amounts to "rewarding incompetence." Sure, but why participate in writing legislation that allowed this in the first place?

SPORTS

In the words of the immortal Dicky V…”It’s tournament time babyyyy!” Of course I’m picking Carolina to win it all, if they don’t now they won’t for a while. Tyler Hansbrough is a senior and Ty Lawson is hurt every March.

Just in case you didn’t think Barack Obama was the coolest man on Earth, he filled out brackets for the NCAA Tournament on ESPN. When was the last time you saw that? When approached to fill out brackets, former president George W Bush said “I don’t know how to operate the torturing devices, that’s Cheney’s job.” Hey guess what? The president and I both have Carolina! Yet further proof that great minds think alike.

Is it me or is Alex Rodriguez slowly venturing into Michael Jackson/Britney Spears boobie-hatch territory? That wasn’t a sexy spread in Details magazine, it was just fucking weird. Dude, this steroids thing won’t blow over unless you keep a low profile; that photo spread didn’t help.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

I’m still not feeling this “you are voted off but you can be saved” shit on Idol. I guess they just want the show to go on forever.

I really do feel terrible for the family of actress Natasha Richardson. And I think it was in poor taste that when she was brain dead for a few hours the Republican Party asked her to run for president.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Anyone using the terms “Man-Date” or Bro-mance” to describe an actual occurrence in his own life is homosexual.

NEW YORK – Who knew that insecure, anorexic bimbos desperately seeking approval could be so violent? Then again when you think about it how could they not be? Three were arrested and six hurt Saturday after a riot broke out while they waited to audition for "America's Next Top Model.” And in the wake of this nuclear holocaust sized conflict for shitheads, the street outside the hotel was littered with shoes and clothing, further evidence of the culture of violence oh-too-common in the modeling industry. I wonder if they found any weaves or fake nails?

The JB Random Report 3/11/09

Yeah it’s my birthday (March 12th) again, I will now celebrate quietly…zzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Hey did you know that Al Jarreau shares my birthday? It’s OK neither did I. That’s so cool!

When CNBC’s Jim Cramer dismissed Jon Stewart as merely “a comedian” with a “variety show” he showed how completely out of touch he is, considering that more people trust Stewart’s insight than Cramer’s shitty financial advice. I’d let Kramer from Seinfeld handle my 401(k) before this asshole.

Now I know a lot of my readers think that I failed to celebrate Women’s History Month because I didn’t include a dictionary or some cute list designed to piss women off with the truth (just think of my March blogs for the last two years). Truth is Asylum actually did it for me. A few months ago I read an obviously bias list on AOL entitled “types of guys you don’t want to date.” Which didn’t bother me until they made the most ridiculous stretches in their evaluations like “if he is a charmer then he will cheat” or “if he lives at home he is still needy” Hey asshole, did it ever occur to you that maybe he lives at home because his parents need him? So I was preparing my own list but Asylum beat me to the punch, so I thought I would just post the link.

http://www.asylum.com/2009/03/11/13-girls-you-dont-want-to-date

The difference between man-hating feminazi lists and this one is that even women will secretly agree with this list, as many of my female readers secretly agreed with my writings on the subject.

SPORTS

I’m becoming bored with reporting that North Carolina has once again trounced Duke. It’s getting so easy. My number 1 seeds would be North Carolina, UConn, Pitt, and yep, Oklahoma over Memphis (weak conference) or Louisville.

The Netherlands? The fucking Netherlands? How did they possibly beat Dominican Republic not once, but twice in the World Baseball Classic? Aren’t these the same assholes that wear wooden shoes and eat a lot of chocolate? Didn’t they used to be Holland once? They deserve to lose just because they confuse so many map makers. How could they possibly beat DR, and how did so many black guys end up on the team? Strange, considering that there are no brothers actually living in the Netherlands. Did they bus them in? It’s not like they have a Bushwick or South Central in that country. Then I realized that half their team is from Curacao. Can they get away with that? Then again Mike Piazza did play for Italy in 2006 and I’m convinced I speak better Italian than he does.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

There is a new overused phrase on AI now…”I didn’t feel the connection” add that to “pitchy.”
That Megan chick is pretty hot for a white chick, and so is that MILF she calls mom. Notice how many single moms are on Idol this year? They should think about getting day care next year like a community college. I hate that asshole that massacred “Satisfaction,” but the dude can sing. And did you see how huge Paula’s rack looked last night? Am I the only one confused by that whole “you’re getting voted off but the judges can save you” crap?
I don’t know whose idea it was to have Michael Jackson night, but come on…before he lost his mind and became a white woman he was pretty cool. I guess he’s strapped (no pun intended) for cash just like anyone living under this economy. I wonder if he will be able to afford another payoff to the family of his next molestation victim.

“Who’s Afraid of Virginia Wolf?” A great play written by a great writer, Edward Albee, who just happens to share my birthday!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

The fact that these people share our borders…If you have HBO, there is a compelling documentary by Alexandra Pelosi (yes, daughter of the Speaker of the House) that you should really watch called “Right America, Feeling Wronged.” Now given her lineage you would expect her to be somewhat biased and only interview redneck yahoos, but I assure you this is an objective piece, which makes its content considerably more disturbing. There were white conservatives so terrified at the prospect of a black president weeping because John McCain lost; Going from hating Barack Obama to loving their guns and praising Jesus in a single sentence. One person said that they were “serving God” by voting Republican (so much for separation of church and state). Some bragged about not watching CNN. One asshole said that “Socialism was the views of Hitler.” Simply breathtaking. One even said “I’m not partial to blacks” then justified it by saying “We’re in the South.”
There were so many stupid things said by these right-wing shitheads I could barely contain myself. But my favorite was the sparingly-toothed idiot who said “I wanna keep my wealth” To which the most polite response would be “What fucking wealth?” Seriously does he think that the government is gonna go after the gold bricks that hold up his double-wide trailer? Sir, the tax increases put forth by the president are for families making over $250,000. This clearly does not affect you. I promise on behalf of President Obama that no one will come after your lawn chairs or your collection of John Deere caps.
The only voice of reason actually came from a southern black man that was interviewed who defended the south by simply saying “racism isn’t just in the south; like they don’t say ‘nigger’ in New York?” Good point, but I wish he was on our side.

The JB Random Report 3/05/09

Are you like me? Do you love PBS? Every few months they have the most amazing shows in order to get people to pledge money. Last night they had The Police in concert in Argentina. One of my favorites is that four hour self help marathon given by Dr. Wayne Dyer. No…I’m serious. I’m actually not being sarcastic about it, I like the guy. He seems to really care about helping people apply Eastern Philosophy in a practical manner, and he never asks for thousand dollar contributions like that asshole crook Benny Hinn, and others like him. I have never met anyone with that much patience (and I did actually meet Dr. Wayne on 5th Avenue last summer) and dedication to listening and helping people.
Sometimes that patience can be exhausting though. During pauses in the broadcast, Dr. Wayne himself was promoting his work while asking for pledges and getting his ass kissed by PBS broadcasters. So much so that one who was on the air with him went on about how she desperately needed Dr. Wayne’s help in getting control of, and I’m not making this up, her helpless addiction to cake. Cake? Are you fucking kidding? Do you even know what the word addiction means? One of the closest people in the world to me has dedicated his life to working with addicts, real addicts. People who have had their lives ruined by drugs or alcohol, and she is coming through with cake? Dr. Wayne listened patiently to this bullshit when what he should have said was, “If you were really addicted to cake you wouldn’t be here talking to me you would be turning tricks in front of a bakery.”

SPORTS

I really don’t know how to react to Terrell Owens being cut by the Dallas Cowboys. He was always a cancer in the locker room, and seems to create drama wherever he goes, but owner Jerry Jones stood by this guy everyday until yesterday. Now, to take a $9 million hit on the salary cap to have this guy not play there must have been some strong voices against him. I’m shocked, this cut blindsided him faster than Ray Lewis. Well I guess Owens will be a Raider next season.

Why would the NBA ban Dwyane Wade’s band aid? I mean, granted that look went out with Nelly in 2001 but still, how much of a violation could it be? Maybe he has a re-occurring face cut since his days on “A Different World.”

Well now that Barry Bonds’ trial is being postponed until the Apocalypse, his agent has been in touch with every major league team in hopes of getting the all-time homerun king (yeah whatever) a job this season. There have yet been no takers…I wonder why? What I love is how his agent, Jeff Boris has accused baseball of collusion. Ahh Jeff…let’s not flatter ourselves. This is not the plot to kill free agency that was eventually taken out and stomped by the MLB Players Union in the 80’s. This is the reality that no team is interested in a 44 year-old player who has no cartilage in his knee and hardly plays the outfield. Oh, and there is the added factor of this guy being a complete asshole, not to mention the poster boy for steroids in baseball (guilty or not).
And of course you cannot mention anything baseball without mentioning all things A-Rod. Just when you thought it was safe to break out your large “A-ROID” signs, looks like he won’t be on the field until May, opting for hip surgery. One of the many reasons this sucks is that he won’t be on the field for Dominican Republic in the World Baseball Classic. Not that they need him to win, but his star power will be missed. I will be rooting for Team USA and the other Caribbean teams (as well), Cuba and Puerto Rico. Let’s bring the title back to this hemisphere!

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Just when you thought that lunatic Tatiana was out of our lives forever, she made the wild card round on Idol. I really do wish her a near death experience. I am glad she is gone, and I’m glad that the Indian guy from North Carolina made it in the last spot. I think I found who to root for.

U2 on Letterman all week so far has been great, but I’m hoping that by the end of the week they do some old stuff. I love U2 but I’m just not feeling the new songs. See, this is why Letterman is just a better show than Jay Leno, Letterman takes risks and is actually funny.

If the JB Random Report End of the Year Awards had a category for most revealing album title, it would have gone to Beyonce for “I am…Sasha Feirce”. See?…I told you she was a drag queen.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

In these hard economic times it’s nice to see Americans are still serious when it comes to our food. Authorities say a Florida woman called 911 three times after McDonald's employees told her they were out of McNuggets. I’m not making this up.
Latreasa L. Goodman told authorities she paid for a 10-piece but was later informed the restaurant had run out. When offered something else of equal or greater value, she became irate. OK do you really wanna keep food away from anyone named “Latreasa”? Just the name alone says “fat chick with a nasty attitude and fake nails.” Police say Goodman was cited on a misuse of 911 charge. I disagree with the charge. I mean, what if she had become even more irate and tried to eat Ronald?