Thursday, February 12, 2009

The JB Random Report 2/12/09

I first want to thank all my readers for their continued support, and I hope we can eventually move on from all this controversy. And to finally answer that question…yes…the reason why my JB Random Report Male to Female Dictionary 3/26/08, The JB Random Report 11/13/08, and The All-Time Country Song Titles as recently as 2009 were so hysterically funny was that I was on anabolic steroids and human growth hormone, known as HGH. I’m not proud of it, and I apologize to anyone it might have hurt. I know that I am a role model for every cynical observer of how incredibly full of shit human beings can be, and I know that by using performance enhancing drugs I have let you down.
As for the blogs which you have called some of my best written work, The Inauguration (Morning in America), Waking Up To History 11/5/08, and The Stadium 9/24/08. I want my fans to know that steroids and HGH don’t make you a better writer, and they don’t make you smarter or more aware. They just enhance what you already have, and make it easier for you to type. My day job requires a great deal of researching, writing and typing, so naturally I needed the HGH to heal faster and be able to write this blog without injury. I don’t feel I cheated the game of blog writing at all, but I will still work hard to regain your trust.

I really do get so tired of discussing all things A-Rod, so I’ll make this brief…He hit an average of about 52 homeruns a year during 2001-2003 while he was with the Texas Rangers right? Before you self-righteous couch potatoes or assholes like Roy Oswalt call for his numbers to be removed for those years, remember this…
1- He was hitting in a ballpark that is very homerun friendly in Texas
2- There were just as many pitchers on performance enhancing drugs during that era.
3- He was 8 years younger and in his prime.

Bud Selig, you get everything wrong, every single time (The All-Star Game tie, postponing a World Series game because of the weather for the next day?), don’t fuck this up too. No one really knows or can gauge with any certainty which player did what steroid and when. For baseball to really move on from this, it’s gonna have to move on! Accept the fact that players, not just hitters, might have taken PED’s and it might have helped some, but it certainly didn’t help them all. Remember, David Segui admitted to doing them and he hit a robust 139 homeruns in a 14 year career. And where is the Union in all of this? How did they miss protecting the confidentiality of the tests as they promised they would? Donald Fuhr is an incompetent, frightened child. Boy do I miss the days of Marvin Miller.

Congressman Elijah Cummings, please do something about the economy and the 50 million Americans who don’t have health care. Let’s stop summoning ballplayers to Washington DC to be asked questions they have already answered.
And while you are at it, do something about protecting the confidentiality of testimony that is legally supposed to be kept confidential. If you don’t, the reluctance of witnesses to testify will one day lead to the acquittal of a federally charged Ponzi schemer, or worse, a rapist or murderer, not some guy who injected his butt with steroids so that he could hit a ball.

And then there is, and I can’t fucking believe this, Pete Rose chiming in. “I was disappointed by A-Rod’s admission.” Really Pete? I guess he should have just lied about it for 20 years so that he could earn a lifetime ban from baseball. Hey Pete, how much do you wanna bet the irony is almost sickening? Oh I’m sorry, it’s not your own team you would be betting on so I guess it’s a no.

Miguel Tejada (who is a teammate of Roy Oswalt, by the way) revealed nothing new about himself by admitting to lying to Congress about his steroid use. It’s not like we didn’t already know he was dirty so he only gets 2 sentences. Don’t see Selig or Congressman Cummings ranting about this guy.

Brett Favre retired again. I wonder what team he will be playing for next year.

And yes, in another chapter of college basketball’s greatest rivalry, Duke has once again fallen to North Carolina at home. That’s a clean sweep for Tyler Hansbrough at Cameron Indoor. He is still the best big man in the country, but I’m glad he is a senior because Blake Griffin from Oklahoma and Hasheem Thabeet from UConn, yes UConn, the only #1 team no one is talking about, are gaining on him.

I’m not a fan of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) but they sure now how to protest huh? Hot chicks wearing nothing but bikini bottoms in the middle of London sure do get my attention. I’ll be thinking of them while I eat this steak.


I don’t hate people that I’ve never actually met, but that Tatiana chick on Idol really does need to die.


I don’t wanna be accused of unfairly picking on the south, but they just make it so easy. I guess police in the South Carolina county where Michael Phelps was photographed smoking from a bong have nothing better to do, like fight real crime that actually hurts people. Instead they have been arresting anyone they can as they seek to make a case against Phelps. Their only evidence is the infamous “bong pic.” How citizens put up with this massive waste of resources in a sad attempt to smear a celebrity is beyond me. However, I do put the blame squarely on Phelps…dude, what the fuck were you doing in South Carolina? Don’t you realize the only famous people they know are Gomer Pyle and the cast of “Hee Haw?” Of course they are gonna photograph everything you do. What were you thinking?
I guess all citizens should feel a bit safer now that these “Chaplin-esque” keystone cops are keeping us safe from Phelps and his massive bong.

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