The JB Random Report 2/26/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Barack Obama likes to make speeches doesn’t he? He gave that speech today outlining details of a $3.55 trillion spending plan that would boost taxes on the rich and lay the groundwork for universal health care. This budget, which he referred to as "an honest accounting of where we are and where we intend to go" pretty much gave everyone in the room a nosebleed those numbers were so high. Regardless of whether or not you agree with the plan, at least he is being refreshingly honest.
Then there was that address before Congress Tuesday, that seemed more like an early State of The Union Address than an informal speech. Most of the Supreme Court Justices showed up, along with the Joint Chiefs of Staff. It was nice to see Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg back on the job after her recent cancer episode. Noticeably absent were Justices Antonin Scalia, David Souter and John Paul Stevens. Scalia (sigh) said that the speeches have become increasingly partisan; Odd position to take by a member of a body that is supposed to be non-political. I think the real reason he stayed home was that being such an arch conservative he still doesn’t believe anyone that tells him Ginsburg’s cancer isn’t contagious, like cooties.
And, as is tradition in State of the Union addresses, flavor of the month guests showed up as special invitees. This time it was hero pilot Captain Chesley B. “Sully” Sullenberger III, who safely landed a commuter jet into the Hudson River. But even Sully can’t keep this economy from sinking. And was it just me or was that Larry Flynt sitting behind the First Lady?
When Obama walked into the chamber after being announced by the sergeant at arms I could have sworn I heard “Theme From Shaft” by Issac Hayes playing in the background. Though the speech seemed like an hour plus of the democrats kissing their own ass, (They applauded the president and each other so much I thought Nancy Pelosi was gonna give Joe Biden a lap dance) what was actually said during the speech is the reason why we elected him - A clear concise agenda for progress that everyone can easily understand. A transparent, well thought out plan where the issues focused on are clear, and so is the amount of money needed to make them happen. You came away from this speech with three words…Education, Health Care and Energy (ok that was actually four but you know what I mean). When was the last time you came away from a presidential address with three words? I mean three words that actually made sense and were used in a grammatically correct manner?

There really was nothing for the Republicans to actually “respond” to, unless they were ready to apologize for not regulating their big corporation buddies that got us into this mess. And since the Republicans needed to get the darkest face possible in front of a camera in order to prove they are not two steps above the John Birch Society, they chose Louisiana Governor Bobby Jindal to deliver the response. What is Bobby short for by the way? For those of you who don’t know this guy, he is a rising star in a party that needs some new faces and I’m not taking about botox. In all fairness, he did clean up that culture of corruption in Louisiana politics a la Huey P. Long. So this is his big chance to finally shine on a national stage and what does he do? He endorses the continuing pattern of fear mongering by Republicans, speaking against the evils of socialism and how he believes “Americans can do anything.” Actually we might need some help in doing anything right now. He believes what would get us out of this economic crisis is to give a tax credit for home buyers. Umm excuse me Bobby, maybe you haven’t been paying attention but…WE’RE BROKE! NO ONE IS BUYING HOUSES! What got us into this mess was buying houses with no money in the first place. Can Republicans really be that clueless?

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Continuing what seems to be the trend this season of massacring good songs, the judges on Idol kissed some guys ass for destroying “Satisfaction” by my all-time favorite band, The Rolling Stones. How did they even get clearance to do this shit? I don’t know but I’m just not feeling this season. Everyone kinda sucks and that fourth judge is just annoying. I’m still waiting for something to happen. As usual they let some pretty lame people through to the next round. I was hoping those “Vote for the Worst” people would have kept that crazy white guy with the headbands on the show for a while longer. Doesn’t he remind you of the geek in college that would allow you to get him drunk then feed him the latest lab experiments just so that he could fit in?

SPORTS

So the Tampa Bay Buccaneers released Joey Galloway, Derrick Brooks, Warrick Dunn, Ike Hilliard and anyone else who actually might help them win a game. Derrick Brooks? Are you kidding? This move does clear about $50 million in salary cap, but for what? Who is the amazing free agent phenom that’s gonna replace an 11-time Pro-Bowler?

In case you haven’t noticed, the Knicks have actually managed to win a few games this year. Nate Robinson, known only for being the little guy who can dunk, has scored 32 points in 5 of 7 games, and they are even winning a few of those.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Detectives Rich Light and Frank Massaro, Officer Mike DiLauria, and Code Enforcement Officer Ed DiBuono. These assholes are cops in Westchester County, New York who decided it would be fun to berate their mayor on their Facebook pages. And when that wasn't boneheaded enough for these middle-aged adolescents, one of them decided to make racial remarks against President Barack Obama. They certainly have a right to their opinion, but putting it on Facebook? Are you stupid? See...THIS is the racism that Al Sharpton needs to address. Racism by those actually charged with protecting a racially diverse public.

The JB Random Report 2/19/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

If you don’t want to watch your best friend’s face get ripped off, don’t keep a fucking chimp as a pet. And certainly don’t go on TV and say that you miss eating, bathing (ewwwwwww) and sleeping in the same bed with the chimp, because that’s one step over the booby hatch line. It’s a wild animal you asshole not a husband substitute or the child you never had.

And speaking of that famous chimp, a New York Post cartoon that some have interpreted as comparing President Barack Obama to a violent chimpanzee gunned down by police, really pissed off civil rights leaders and elected officials who said it echoed racist stereotypes of blacks as monkeys. Well...maybe it didn't until you guys brought it up. The cartoon refers to our friend Travis the chimp who was killed by police in Stamford, Conn., after it mauled a friend of its owner. It shows two police officers, one with a smoking gun, standing over the body of a shot-up chimp and reads: "They'll have to find someone else to write the next stimulus bill." I think what he was trying to say that even a chimp could write such a horrible Bill with nearly $200 billion in pork, but the phony-sensitive, political opportunists will differ I’m sure. Remember, Obama didn't actually write the bill. Regardless if whether or not you were offended, it didn’t take long for State Sen. Eric Adams and resident New York buffoon Rev. Al Sharpton to chime in with their cheap shots. Calling the cartoon racist is an easy position to take, it certainly can be interpreted that way, but then complaining that it trivialized a tragedy in which a woman was disfigured and a chimpanzee killed is a little too much. It’s a fucking pet…it IS trivial…sorry assholes who substitute pets for humans because you are incapable of human relationships, but it’s a fact. Others said the cartoon suggests that Obama should be assassinated (are you fucking kidding?). Many urged a boycott of the Post and the companies that advertise in it. Well that shouldn’t be too hard to do, only retards read the Post anyway.
It is not the first time that Sean Delonas, the longtime cartoonist for the Post's Page Six, has been in trouble. He made fun of Paul McCartney's ex-wife Heather Mills for having only one leg, he compared gay people seeking marriage licenses to sheep lovers, and last month, an enormous Jessica Simpson dumps Tony Romo for Ronald McDonald. (ok this guy’s an asshole but that last one is pretty funny.)

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Isn’t it creepy having your parents to greet you backstage after you have just been berated by the Idol judges? I wouldn’t want my parents anywhere near yet another opportunity for them to embarrass the crap outta me. I thought both nights kinda sucked. A lot of cool songs were massacred, “Rock With You” and “Every Little Thing She Does is Magic” in particular. And if that new judge says “We don’t know who you are as an artist” one more time I’m going to force her to watch me kill myself. The three people they got are good enough I guess, but no one really impressed me enough. I’m glad that maniacal Tatiana chick is gone.

SPORTS

Raise your hand if you have had just about enough A-Rod, his cousins, his cousin’s loudmouth wife, his uncles, nieces and nephews for one millenium! Let’s play ball already.

What an uneventful trading deadline in the NBA huh? Do you know who Larry Hughes is? It’s ok neither does anyone else, anyway the Knicks got him.

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

Barack Obama really can’t get a break. First it was his loudmouth wife cackling about how it took her 40 years to finally be proud to be American, and now it’s U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder calling the country he has sworn to serve “a nation of cowards.” Mr. Holder if you want to remind everyone how racist this country is at every opportunity you are in front of a microphone, that’s your business. However, maybe since you are now serving this nation, a more careful choice of words is in order. Sir, this is clearly not a nation of cowards, and I know a few guys I served with who might remind you of that if you were ever man enough to say it to their face. You better hope that your security detail is foreign born.

The JB Random Report 2/12/09

I first want to thank all my readers for their continued support, and I hope we can eventually move on from all this controversy. And to finally answer that question…yes…the reason why my JB Random Report Male to Female Dictionary 3/26/08, The JB Random Report 11/13/08, and The All-Time Country Song Titles as recently as 2009 were so hysterically funny was that I was on anabolic steroids and human growth hormone, known as HGH. I’m not proud of it, and I apologize to anyone it might have hurt. I know that I am a role model for every cynical observer of how incredibly full of shit human beings can be, and I know that by using performance enhancing drugs I have let you down.
As for the blogs which you have called some of my best written work, The Inauguration (Morning in America), Waking Up To History 11/5/08, and The Stadium 9/24/08. I want my fans to know that steroids and HGH don’t make you a better writer, and they don’t make you smarter or more aware. They just enhance what you already have, and make it easier for you to type. My day job requires a great deal of researching, writing and typing, so naturally I needed the HGH to heal faster and be able to write this blog without injury. I don’t feel I cheated the game of blog writing at all, but I will still work hard to regain your trust.

I really do get so tired of discussing all things A-Rod, so I’ll make this brief…He hit an average of about 52 homeruns a year during 2001-2003 while he was with the Texas Rangers right? Before you self-righteous couch potatoes or assholes like Roy Oswalt call for his numbers to be removed for those years, remember this…
1- He was hitting in a ballpark that is very homerun friendly in Texas
2- There were just as many pitchers on performance enhancing drugs during that era.
3- He was 8 years younger and in his prime.

Bud Selig, you get everything wrong, every single time (The All-Star Game tie, postponing a World Series game because of the weather for the next day?), don’t fuck this up too. No one really knows or can gauge with any certainty which player did what steroid and when. For baseball to really move on from this, it’s gonna have to move on! Accept the fact that players, not just hitters, might have taken PED’s and it might have helped some, but it certainly didn’t help them all. Remember, David Segui admitted to doing them and he hit a robust 139 homeruns in a 14 year career. And where is the Union in all of this? How did they miss protecting the confidentiality of the tests as they promised they would? Donald Fuhr is an incompetent, frightened child. Boy do I miss the days of Marvin Miller.

Congressman Elijah Cummings, please do something about the economy and the 50 million Americans who don’t have health care. Let’s stop summoning ballplayers to Washington DC to be asked questions they have already answered.
And while you are at it, do something about protecting the confidentiality of testimony that is legally supposed to be kept confidential. If you don’t, the reluctance of witnesses to testify will one day lead to the acquittal of a federally charged Ponzi schemer, or worse, a rapist or murderer, not some guy who injected his butt with steroids so that he could hit a ball.

And then there is, and I can’t fucking believe this, Pete Rose chiming in. “I was disappointed by A-Rod’s admission.” Really Pete? I guess he should have just lied about it for 20 years so that he could earn a lifetime ban from baseball. Hey Pete, how much do you wanna bet the irony is almost sickening? Oh I’m sorry, it’s not your own team you would be betting on so I guess it’s a no.

Miguel Tejada (who is a teammate of Roy Oswalt, by the way) revealed nothing new about himself by admitting to lying to Congress about his steroid use. It’s not like we didn’t already know he was dirty so he only gets 2 sentences. Don’t see Selig or Congressman Cummings ranting about this guy.

Brett Favre retired again. I wonder what team he will be playing for next year.

And yes, in another chapter of college basketball’s greatest rivalry, Duke has once again fallen to North Carolina at home. That’s a clean sweep for Tyler Hansbrough at Cameron Indoor. He is still the best big man in the country, but I’m glad he is a senior because Blake Griffin from Oklahoma and Hasheem Thabeet from UConn, yes UConn, the only #1 team no one is talking about, are gaining on him.


I’m not a fan of PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) but they sure now how to protest huh? Hot chicks wearing nothing but bikini bottoms in the middle of London sure do get my attention. I’ll be thinking of them while I eat this steak.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

I don’t hate people that I’ve never actually met, but that Tatiana chick on Idol really does need to die.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I don’t wanna be accused of unfairly picking on the south, but they just make it so easy. I guess police in the South Carolina county where Michael Phelps was photographed smoking from a bong have nothing better to do, like fight real crime that actually hurts people. Instead they have been arresting anyone they can as they seek to make a case against Phelps. Their only evidence is the infamous “bong pic.” How citizens put up with this massive waste of resources in a sad attempt to smear a celebrity is beyond me. However, I do put the blame squarely on Phelps…dude, what the fuck were you doing in South Carolina? Don’t you realize the only famous people they know are Gomer Pyle and the cast of “Hee Haw?” Of course they are gonna photograph everything you do. What were you thinking?
I guess all citizens should feel a bit safer now that these “Chaplin-esque” keystone cops are keeping us safe from Phelps and his massive bong.

The JB Random Report 2/4/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

You never see this shit going on between two men… Annmarie Bricker wasn't invited to her sister's wedding reception, but that didn’t stop her from showing up anyway and attacking the bride, beating her in the head, knocking her to the ground then pulling out clumps of her hair, police said. Damn…you women really take this whole wedding, commitment for life shit seriously don’t you?

Are you like me? Do you celebrate Groundhog’s Day? Ok I’m kidding, but I think Staten Island Chuck needs a sedative next year after he attacked Mayor Mike Bloomberg. Think maybe Chuck was mad at those recent job cuts? I mean he only has one task, but it’s a traditional one. His job is safe, no reason to attack the mayor.

It looks Like Barack just can’t get a break. Tom Daschle withdrew his nomination on Tuesday to be President Obama's Health and Human Services secretary. This came less than three hours after Nancy Killefer, nominated by Obama to be the government's first chief performance officer, also withdrew her name, also because she doesn’t seem to like paying taxes. What’s going on in Washington? You figure the crowd that both creates and enforces the tax laws would know how to file taxes. As for Daschle, the conflict of interest in his receiving compensation for speaking at health care events is something that Obama should have been more transparent about, but it’s still a non-issue when you think about it. Still, everyone is quick to jump on his ass. Even The Chicago Tribune said, "to proclaim high standards and then suspend them exposes Obama to charges that he is either hypocritical or obtuse."…ouch. That’s his hometown paper, where’s the love dude?

And speaking of Chicago, when is Rod Blagojevich gonna finally go away? He is on every talk show, and his delusional ramblings are just not convincing anyone…its time to put him in jail, I wanna watch Letterman in peace again.

Once again...Ann Coulter is a Dumbo-eared asshole. How colorful of you to say that my favorite ex-ESPN anchor Keith Olbermann is a "57-year old woman trapped in a man's body." When you actually have websites dedicated to questioning your gender. I’m serious…check Google suggestions for "Ann Coulter is a," and see what amazing stuff pops up. So I guess you’re not alone in thinking that you are more of a man than Keith Olbermann.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

And speaking of the gender confused…I hate to use the term “jump the shark” when it comes to Idol, but what happened? That 4th host sucks (I still don’t know her full name). There were no painfully bizarre people at the auditions, and Hollywood week so far has left a lot to be desired (with the exception of the glorious train wreck that was bikini chick, of course! She even made that 4th judge curse on TV. What a dazzling show of professionalism.). There was a bizarre dark haired chick that just wouldn’t shut up and then started thanking Jesus and his whole family after she made it. And then there was this one group who just hated each other, aired out their dirty laundry before they sang, and then really sucked, and yet two of them made it through…it’s just getting weird.

SUPER BOWL XLIII

So the NFL has their New York Yankees as the Pittsburgh Steelers are the first franchise to win 6 Super Bowl Titles. The game itself was great I have to admit. That was one sick catch by Santonio Holmes and he certainly deserved the MVP. However, for Roger Goodell to say that it “topped last year” is ridiculous. Dude, you made enough money off the game, don’t try to turn it into something it isn’t. You can’t replace the greatest Super Bowl ever the same way you can’t replace David Lee Roth with Sammy Hagar and you can’t replace Sammy Hagar with...with…? Well…whoever the asshole was that replaced him.

And let me address Joe Torre’s book for a minute…Is this book really a betrayal of trust in the form of a “tell all?” What did Torre actually reveal? That George Steinbrenner was a tyrant? Alex Rodriguez is a flake? Hardly breaking news is it? A major revelation would have to be more than that. This not even mildly qualifies as “breaking the clubhouse rules.” And the way he was forced out of town gives him a lot to be bitter about.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

That 4th Judge on American Idol. Can someone tell me what her name is again?