The JB Random Report 6/11/10

2 Things I learned in college…my Social Security number and 101 Creative Ways to Keep Beer Cold.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Wow…White House Senior (very Senior) Correspondent Helen Thomas really pissed off the wrong Jews…Hearst Newspapers announced her immediate retirement, not because she is 89 years old, but mostly due to these insightful comments she made, to a Rabbi no less, on May 27. Rabbi David F. Nesenoff of the website RabbiLive asked Thomas if she had any comments on Israel. To which she so intelligently replied:"Tell them to get the hell out of Palestine. Remember, these people are occupied. And it's their land. It's not German, it's not Poland." When Nesenoff asked Thomas where the Israelis should go, she said they should "go home" to Germany, Poland and the U.S. Bad move in the Age if the Internet. The video went all over the world, and a brilliant career was ended rather abruptly and unceremoniously. The 89-year-old Thomas, who is of Lebanese descent, was the first female member of the White House Correspondents' Association and the prestigious Gridiron Club. Beginning with John F Kennedy, she has covered the administrations of 10 U.S. presidents, and I’m guessing the American Revolution and Civil War. Look, what she said was boneheaded to say the least, but I hate to see so many people that she has outwitted over the years now take cheap shots at her:

Assholes like Ari Fleisher, the former spokesman for retarded President George W. Bush, who she used to totally own during press briefings, said she should be fired. "As someone who is Jewish, and as someone who worked with her and used to like her, I find this appalling." Really? Not because her questions exposed both you and the administration you worked for as incompetents?
This was Sarah Palin’s Twitter on June 5th. "Helen Thomas press pals condone racist rant? Heaven forbid 'esteemed' press corps represent society's enlightened elite; Rest of us choose truth," Truth? Is she really that fucking stupid to think she represents truth? And she is braindead, who taught her how to use a computer?
Joe Klein of Time magazine called Thomas' words "odious." He said Thomas should no longer be allowed to sit in the front row in the White House Press Room, where she is an honorary fixture. That voice that said “Thank you Mr. President” at the end of every briefing was hers. "I don't see any reason why the president, Robert Gibbs or any other representative of the government should feel any obligation to take her questions." While I strongly believe in her right to say whatever she wants, in this case I’m afraid Klein’s comments make the most sense. No one is going to give her questions any credibility anymore, it really was time for her to go.
And the hits just kept on coming for Thomas as over the weekend, she lost her speaking agency, Nine Speakers, and a high school in Bethesda, Md., canceled plans for Thomas to deliver a speech at its graduation ceremonies. My favorite Helen Thomas story was an interview she gave where she was asked if she had ever said that George W Bush was the worst president we have ever had, to which she replied, “I never said that on record, but it certainly did get out didn’t it?” I’ll miss that batty old lady, as will the White House Press Room.

SPORTS

I feel the same way about the World Cup that I always did, I'm a fan, and I can’t believe that no English speaking station even bothered to cover the Opening Ceremonies of the most popular sport in the world. Speaking of which, wouldn’t the opening ceremonies have been more energetic had they been done at night? Remember the 2008 Olympics? Here’s something I wrote 4 years ago for the last World Cup in Germany in 2006. I still believe this today…

Are you like me? Do you have World Cup fever?

In a subway station in Queens there is a barber shop that caters to everyone with an opinion about something, which means that pretty much everyone is welcome. I've been going there for too many years to count. 2 weeks ago, while sitting in a waiting chair I caught the end of the Argentina vs. Serbia-Montenegro World Cup match. It was a merciless beating by Argentina 6-0 who incidentally, has been my favorite World Cup team since 1986. A Colombian guy who works at the place started talking to me about International teams when a man came to the door, noticing the end of the game and asked what the score was, The man was Croatian and he was asking the Colombian, both of them communicating in broken English, but making every effort to communicate with each other. This barber shop summit meeting of international soccer fans made me think of two things; One was that Soccer really is the most important sport in the world. There it was bringing people together here in the USA. In Africa, if the Ivory Coast can call a cease-fire in their bitter civil war so that everyone there can appreciate their team playing in the World Cup, then soccer is doing the one thing few sports can...it's saving lives.
Second, The United States may have a myriad of flaws, but it is still the greatest country in the world. There I was, observing two men from the opposite sides of the world, immigrants that would have absolutely nothing to say to each other attempting to communicate in a language that is their second, to know a soccer score. Their communication made possible by soccer, determined assimilation, and the United States being the land of opportunity for all. I assure you, all three parties were made richer in that small exchange in a subway barber shop. If everyone in the US believed that it was OK to not learn English, then this exchange never would have taken place. Learning English does one thing that these so-called pro immigrants groups cannot do - It can bring all immigrants together in their chosen country of residence.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

The exportation of an obviously very disturbed Whitney Houston. Every European nation she performs in immediately cancels our trade agreements. I was thinking of putting up a picture but the image is disturbing…oh what the Hell, that never stopped me before!

Remembering a Legendary Coach

I’m not much of a name dropper, but a few summers ago I ran into NBA Hall of Famer Bill Walton at the Time Warner Center here in New York. Usually when you see celebrities in New York you kinda just ignore them; and when someone does say something to them, they tend to be polite but back away slowly…well, not Bill Walton. I have yet to meet a more chatty celebrity in my life, not even when I worked at Tower Records. He had a blast talking to me about basketball, probably because unlike the first guy that walked up to him, I didn’t refer to him as “Bill Russell.” We talked for a while about what it was like to play against Dr. J, and about how Hakeem Olajuwon was the toughest guy he ever guarded. Towards the end of our conversation, we talked about his days at UCLA and the subject naturally turned to his coach. That’s when he told this story…
Being a bit of a hippie, after Walton’s first year he decided to grow his hair and beard. His coach insisted that all his players have a neat appearance, be shaved and have their hair cut short. So one day before practice, Walton refused to cut his hair and told his coach he had no right to tell him how to look, to which the coach patiently replied “You are absolutely right Bill, I have no right to tell you how to look, but I do have a right to decide who plays on the team, and we are going to miss you.” Walton sped to a Westwood barbershop on his bicycle and managed rush back to practice for the last hour with the team. Besides grooming, his coach also never said a bad word, and wouldn’t permit any swearing in his presence. He distained lateness, and also strictly prohibited players criticizing other players on the team. Something that today seems impossible. But that’s how men make other men. That coach’s name was John Wooden, and today I woke up to the news that he had passed away at the age of 99. Not that it is particularly surprising that a 99 year old man die of natural causes, but it’s a loss for the world he leaves behind, because that world is now a lesser place.
Let’s get the numbers out of the way first, because that is the only thing people in a Twitterized world seem to recognize these days. He won 10…that’s right 10 NCAA Championships. 7 of those coming consecutively. The next three coaches combined won 11. He won a record 88 games in a row, along with 38 straight tournament wins. Needless to say, those are all-time records. Now, numbers never impressed me, and it wasn’t numbers that moved The Sporting News to name Wooden the “Greatest Coach of All Time.” That’s in any sport, in any era. It wasn’t even the winning that impressed me, it was the how, and the when that makes him the icon that he is. It was the winning of hearts and minds at a time where hearts and minds were in no mood to be won.
He was born in 1910 in Hall, Indiana, not exactly the most racially diverse place in the country, even today. He played guard for a state championship in high school, led Purdue to the national championship in 1932 and was a three-time All-American, two-time Big Ten player of the year and national player of the year. Wooden was the first person inducted into the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame as both a player and a coach. He didn’t win his first NCAA Championship with UCLA until 16 years after his arrival. When asked about why it took so long he would just say he was learning.
When analyzing any achievement, it is necessary to always look at it from a historical perspective. It is the only way to give it the recognition it deserves. It wasn’t just winning national championships, but who did you win them with, and what was the atmosphere like? It is this historical perspective that serves only to increase the legend of Coach Wooden. I mentioned Wooden’s birthplace for a reason. Coaching at the school that later became Indiana State, he refused to take the team to the 1946 tournament because it did not allow African-American players. This was Indiana in 1946. That’s how a progressive mind works. Imagine what he must have gone through for the courage of that conviction. Then imagine winning in Los Angeles decades later finally with integrated players, but in the mid-60’s and 70’s; a time where colleges were ground zero for protests against Vietnam, racial inequality, and the shirt-and-tie establishment that Wooden seemed to represent. He got those kids to listen, understand, and respond during one of the most tumultous times in American history.
But my favorite Wooden story has to be how he survived his wife of 53 years, Nell who died in 1985. He wrote her a letter once a month and put it under her pillow. I guess the burden of her absence was just too great to bear, 25 years without her was enough. Wooden was indeed the first man to be elelcted into the Hall of Fame as both a player and coach, but if there is a Hall of Fame for human beings and setters of example, he goes in on the first ballot there as well. Rest easy coach, and thank you.

“Failing to prepare is preparing to fail”

"Don't give up on your dreams, or your dreams will give up on you"

"Talent is God-given; be humble. Fame is man-given; be thankful. Conceit is self-given; be careful."

And my personal favorite...

"Learn as if you were to live forever; live as if you were to die tomorrow"

- Coach John Wooden 1910-2010

The JB Random Report 6/3/10

You know, I can only imagine how different my life would be if the first time I snuck into my dad’s record collection I found a Donny Osmond record instead of “Let It Be” by The Beatles.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I really don’t know anything about the dude that was captured in Chile in connection with a girl’s murder in Peru, so I don’t wanna be prejudice, but if your name is Van Der Sloot, you’re guilty. And you know what else? Your grandfather was an active member of the Hitler Youth. Seriously doesn’t it just sound like a master race serial killer’s name?

SPORTS

Umpire Jim Joyce blew a call that cost Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game…ok we get it. Everyone is cackling on about how terrible that was, but no one has a solution, so shut the fuck up and move on already. Or, expand replay to include situations like this. If a homerun can be reviewed, then why not something so much more important, so much rarer, as a play that would ultimately determine a perfect game?

Not a lot to say about Ken Griffey Jr. retiring either. There is no argument that he is a first ballot Hall of Famer, 630 homeruns without even so much as a whisper of a steroid accusation during the steroid era. He was the owner of the most beautiful, self assured swing I’ve ever seen in baseball. This man clearly would have broken Hank Aaron’s record with no controversy had it not been for his injuries. What can anyone add?

So the NBA Finals start tonight and like most old school basketball fans, I am excited that it’s Boston Celtics – LA Lakers time once again. The NBA and ABC are wetting themselves because this is a rivalry that doesn’t need to be sold. It’s a finals where it’s not about any individual superstar, it’s about two traditional teams; Teams that own over one half of all the NBA titles. So let the debates begin as to which team from what year could have beaten these two current teams, but let’s put one particular debate to rest right now…
Should the Lakers win what would be their 11th NBA title in Los Angeles, it would be the fifth for Kobe Bryant, tying him with Ervin Magic Johnson for most by a Laker. So naturally there have been some sports analysts who are making comparisons between the two players, wondering which of the two is the greatest Laker ever. Are you serious? In the words of President Richard M “Tricky Dicky” Nixon, “Let me make this perfectly clear” …No matter what he does, no matter who he beats, no matter how many titles he wins, Kobe Bryant will never, ever be the greatest Laker over Magic Johnson. Did I mention never? Ever? For Kobe Bryant to even be in the conversation as the greatest Laker ever he would have to do things that Magic Johnson not only didn’t do, but never would have been able to do. Remember Magic won his 5 rings against teams with multiple Hall of Fame players at a time when the league had less teams and much better talent than they do now. Not to mention his career was cut short in it's prime.
Who did Kobe beat to win his rings? The Philadelphia 76ers, Indiana Pacers, Orlando Magic (who?) and The New Jersey Nets. The fucking Nets and Pacers? OK how many future Hall of Famers played on that Nets team besides Jason Kidd? Its ok I’ll wait…exactly. Besides Reggie Miller, anyone on the Pacers worth remembering? Didn’t think so.
Magic on the other hand, beat Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parrish. Not to mention Moses Malone, Julius Irving and Maurice Cheeks. Then towards the end of his career a tough series against Isaiah Thomas, Bill Lambeer and Joe Dumars. He was finally beaten in the Finals in 1991 not only by his still undiagnosed HIV status, injuries to every member of his starting five, but by some guys you might know named Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen. It’s a non-argument really, just something for the guys on PTI to kill time with. There will never be an era with better talent, dominated by one player as was the case with Magic Johnson. He won titles against exceptional players, not watered down wanna-bes.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Some idiot named Lauren Rosenberg is suing Google because while walking using Google Maps, she merged on to a highway and got hit by a car. I guess her own eyes and ears were busy doing something else. Suing Google because you decided to walk onto a highway? Are you fucking stupid? Maybe she should sue the mental health professional that cleared her to re-enter society.

The JB Random Report 5/27/10

It’s sad when someone you dated, grew up with and even admired once has decided to use the college education that you helped her get (by studying, I'm no one's fucking Sugar Daddy)to do nothing of intellectual value; unless of course you call desperately seeking fame by being the broke, ghetto version of “Snookie” a lofty aspiration.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

“Where the press is free and everyone able to read…all is safe.”

Thomas Jefferson uttered those words centuries ago, and I still believe he is right, but then I get the shit scared outta be by things like this…

The Texas State Board of Education adopted a social studies and history curriculum last week that amends or waters down the teaching of the civil rights movement, slavery, America's relationship with the U.N. and hundreds of other items. In final edits leading up to the vote, conservatives rejected language to modernize the classification of historic periods to B.C.E. and C.E. from the traditional B.C. and A.D. They voted on teaching the Judeo-Christian influences of the nation's Founding Fathers and attempted to water down rationale for the separation of church and state. They also required that public school students in Texas evaluate efforts by global organizations such as the United Nations to enter the 21st Century, or as Texans like to call it “undermine U.S. sovereignty.” Needless to say, the criticism from those with a brain has been plentiful, mostly because it is obvious that conservative maniacs have taken over the asylum, but they say it’s for politicizing education. Is “religionalizing” a word? Because that’s what it really is.

And here’s some more disappointment - The U.S. Justice Department has concluded its criminal probe into AIG and will not pursue charges against the insurer or its senior executives. The decision to end the two-year investigation was made after the Justice Department determined there wasn't enough evidence to bring criminal charges against AIG or its executives. Really? Prosecutors began an investigation into AIG after the government had to bail the insurer out in September 2008 with an $85 billion emergency loan from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. The cost of its rescue has more than doubled since then.
The report said investigators were focusing on whether CEO Joseph Cassano and his crew misled investors when he stated in 2007 that the insurer's portfolio of so-called credit default swaps would not produce significant losses. Well, they did, and no one is to blame for it. I hope the SEC doesn’t let these assholes off the hook, I will be watching.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

It’s been a rough month for some of my favorite musicians hasn’t it? Bono of U2 had to cancel a few shows due to emergency back surgery, After suffering a brain hemorrhage Brett Michaels (certainly not a favorite for his music, but that ridiculous “Rock of Love” show is an admitted guilty pleasure) had a stroke, and such was the case for one of my all time favorite frontmen, Gustavo Cerati of Soda Stereo. I love how CNN has been reporting the Cerati story- “Argentine rocker suffers mini stroke” has been the feed on the bottom of the screen. Ok, no name? For all we know it could have been Diego Maradona trying to hit someone with a big stone.

Speaking of Brett Michaels, it was cool to see his recovery come full circle playing with Casey on the finale of American Idol. But admit it, you all thought about the history that could have been made if he had had another stroke and dropped dead right on stage.
For the first time, I was actually disappointed with an Idol finale. First of all the wrong person won, but Lee DeWyze certainly needed the win more than Crystal Bowersox does. She can get a record deal without being the American Idol. The show left a lot to be desired as well. All of the former Idols singing to Simon was pretty cool, but David Cook was noticeably absent, rumors are that he was eaten by Kelly Clarkson. And Janet Jackson looks like she might have swallowed Tito, because her ass has gotten so big Kevin Costner called and wants to use it to plug that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. And how do you give Christina Aguilera time to noise pollute us with her poisonous pop drivel and only let the great Joe Cocker perform one song? I don’t know about you, but I doubt I will be watching next year unless something great is planned.

SPORTS

I have no idea what the firing of Mike Brown means for LeBron James’ status…and you know what? I really don’t care. The guy is gonna sign with someone eventually, that’s when it will be news. To spend the next 40 days speculating would be a boring waste of time, besides, the World Cup is gonna be on.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I like Barack Obama, I was proud to vote for him. But we have a financial crisis that is far from over, and more immediately an environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico due to an oil spill that the government has been slow to respond to. I reported on it last month and it’s still spilling. Sir, we don’t need you to campaign for the Chicago Bulls to get LeBron James, we need those first two problems resolved…now. How is it that someone who I have always labeled as pro active has dragged his feet on such a horrible environmental event? That crap has been spewing into the Gulf for a month. A month and you are talking about LeBron going to Chicago? You like sports analogies Mr. President? I have one for you…our Southern coast is being severely damaged, please try and keep your eye on the ball!

The JB Random Report 5/20/10

Just once in my life I would like to be sexually harassed on the subway by a girl who actually doesn’t look like Gen. Omar Bradley!

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I really don’t think that New York Governor David Patterson is a bad guy, just not a very effective governor. Now given how he got the job in the first place, by having to replace a hooker loving predecessor forced to resign in disgrace, he does deserve some slack. However, when more than one camp is calling for former Gov. Eliot Spitzer to make a comeback, you must really suck.
Spitzer, who has increased his media presence lately by writing editorials, and showing up on Realtime with Bill Maher, still says he has no plans to run for office again. Too bad, because I never saw anything he did that made him unfit for office, and given how Wall Street has run amok with our money quicker than Lindsay Lohan with someone else’s credit card, someone once known as the “Sheriff of Wall Street” wouldn’t be a bad choice right now would he? Seriously how many of the Puritanical hypocrites who called for his resignation would turn a blind eye if they knew he would get them their 401ks back?

Speaking of which, looks like the debate for financial reform is actually going to start in our lifetime. Isn’t it nice to see a President who is pro-active about something other than killing people?

SPORTS

Once again it’s the beginning of the baseball season, once again the Yankees are hurt, and once again fans are needlessly panicking. It’s May, relax. Although it’s not too early to complain about sloppy play in the field (right Marcus Thames?) and about the bullpen not being able to hold big leads in late innings. Now, the last thing any Yankee fan wants to do is have to worry about Mariano Rivera, so let’s just decide not to do it.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I have a bigger emotional investment in my laundry detergent than I do who the fuck wins the Miss USA Pageant, until of course, something entertaining happens, and this is one of those times…In a pageant that has seen it’s share of retards who can’t find their own state on a map, sex tape and alcoholism scandals, with a touch of homophobia thrown in, it’s nice to see the latest winner, Rima Fakih is keeping the tradition alive in her own way. Looks like this sweet, innocent Muslim girl offended some of her community by appearing in a beauty contest in a bikini and lingerie; something frowned upon by the more conservative religious Muslims. Well I wonder what the reaction will be when they find out about her first ummm ”victory” in the Mojo in the Morning 2007 Stripper 101 Contest. Prizes included sex toys and her very own stripper pole, something no modern home should be without! Now let’s just hope no one gets their turban in a flap over this, and if she’s lucky, the only stoning involved will be with a huge bong.
Now I have nothing against a hot Arab chick (or any hot chick for that matter) in a bikini. My problem isn’t with the conservative Muslim community’s reaction to this girl. My problem is with conservative America’s reaction …Debbie Schlussel, conservative blogger and self-titled expert on "radical Islam" and "Islamic terrorism," (where she achieved said expertise remains to be discovered) claims that "Intelligence sources have confirmed at least three of Rima Fakih's relatives are currently top officials in Hezbollah and that at least eight Fakih family members were Hezbollah terrorists." Intelligence sources? Is she fucking kidding with this? She goes on to write that her campaign was even financed by members of the terrorist group. Now I have no idea who this Schlussel wanna-be is, I just thought her opening headline “Terrorist in a Bikini” was kinda funny in a ridiculous, misinformed and ignorant sort of way. But it is this type of thinking that really does reach a new level of American stupid.

The JB Random Report 5/13/10

No, I don’t have ADHD…you are just really fucking boring!

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

In choosing Solicitor General Elena Kagan as his next nominee to the United States Supreme Court, President Barack Obama has managed to achieve three important goals at once. He's picked another distinguished woman to become a justice, so for the first time in history three women will sit at the same time on the high court. He's chosen a younger person (relatively speaking, of course. In this group of fossils, 50 is considered an infant) to the court, and he's selected a candidate whom some Senate Republicans were publicly signaling they'd confirm even before she was named. The honeymoon may be over already though, as a picture posted of Kagan playing softball, began hater speculation that she might be a lesbian. A lesbian because she plays softball? Are you fucking nuts? Well Sarah Palin shoots things that can’t shoot back, a la Dick Cheney, does that make her evil? Ok bad example…

Seriously if that’s how far these Republican nitwits have to stretch then they are electing her all by themselves. My biggest problem with this picture is how low her front elbow is. That will prevent better follow through on her swing.

Now, underlying issues aside, her main goal is gonna have to be to sway the constant “swing vote” Justice Anthony Kennedy a bit less to the right. So expect a lot of 5-4 rulings over the next decade should she get confirmed, I just hope they are on the correct side.

ENTERTAINMENT

I think I’m going to stop complaining about how shitty music is today…at least for a while. I think my “scared straight” moment is when I heard 60 Minutes resident fossil, 91 year old Andy Rooney complain about not being able to identify with those selling records today. He says that he’s "heard of Sting and the Rolling Stones" in an attempt to sound, I’m assuming, somewhat current. Too bad someone needs to tell him that both those acts are already at retirement age. "The singers I know have been replaced by Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and Usher...I mean, who?" Well yeah, I kinda know how you feel, but when I say it, I’m being sarcastic.
"They're selling millions of songs by singers that I've never heard of, and that must mean I'm out of the American mainstream, and definitely not average." No Andy, you are just older than Julius Caesar, that’s all. "I don't know who Lady Gaga is, and kids today probably don't know who Ella Fitzgerald is. Maybe we should call it even." Ahhh…no again, Andy. See, Lady Gaga might not be able to carry Ella Fitzgerald’s laundry, I totally agree, but only one of them is actually still alive. Given that you are a journalist, whose responsibility it is to remain current even in the face of shitty music, that really is something you should know. Now if Sting is the most current artist he knows, maybe we should wait to tell him about Nirvana and Metallica…he might have a heart attack if he hears “Territorial Pissings” or “Creeping Death.” And certainly keep him away from Lil Wayne and “Pussy Monster”

SPORTS

Given all he has done in his career, added to how awful the Seattle Mariners have been, Ken Griffey Jr. can take a nap during a game if he wants to.

Given all he has done in his career, added to how awful the Cleveland Cavaliers have been before he got there, LeBron James can have a bad game if he wants to.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK at this point isn’t it really, finally time to research whether or not Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer has any Klan or Nazi ties in her recent past? Sue me if you want, I really don’t give a fuck. But if you do, I will be introducing the following into evidence…She signed a bill this week banning ethnic studies in public schools, less than a month after she signed an immigration bill requiring police officers to ask for proof of residency papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant.

The law bans classes that are designed for a particular ethnic group, promote overthrow of the U.S. government, foster resentment toward a particular race or class, or "advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals." Unlike this waste of space, I didn’t graduate from, and I am not making this up, Glendale Community College. I actually went to a real University, and I don’t remember “Overthrow US Government 101” ever being in the syllabus of my liberal, elitist, subversive academic institution.
I think it a miracle that this woman would be elected to run a pie tasting booth at a county fair much less a state in the Union, and whoever voted for this retard should be ashamed of themselves.

The JB Random Report 5/6/10

There’s a lot to be said for a white chick with an “all-over” tan…it’s mostly very very good.

There is nothing worse then sitting next to a fat chick on the train that smells like French Fries…very very bad.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

It only took investigators 53 hours to find the asshole that tried to set off a car bomb in the middle of Times Square. They caught this Pakistani fool on board a plane headed to Dubai. I think the FBI should be insulted by how stupid this guy was. The bomb didn’t even go off because Moron didn’t open the propane tanks and tried to use firecrackers as a fuse…he should get life with out parole just for being a fucking idiot. Not to be outdone in stupidity, the Pakistani Taliban at first actually claimed responsibility for the failed attack. Seriously how sad and powerless must you be when you are taking credit for an attack that was ultimately thwarted by a street vender and wouldn’t have gone off anyway? Peace to Duane Jackson, a handbag seller twice as smart as any of these wannabe terrorist nitwits.

In equally charming news, a few weeks ago I criticized President Obama for caving to Republican pressure and allowing off shore drilling off the coast of Virginia. Well after the current situation in the Gulf of Mexico, I hope he reconsiders. Notice how silent those “Drill Baby Drill” assholes are now? Yeah it’s kinda hard to shout out stupidities when you are drowning in spilled crude oil, unless of course they are blaming Obama for an oil spill. It’s the people of Louisiana who are once again taking a huge environmental hit. Still recovering from Katrina 5 years ago, an oil spill was the last thing they needed. The response has been swift and competent; a refreshing change from Republicans who respond only after they calculate how much profit will be gained from the rescue effort.

The combination of these events may have effectively killed Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano’s chances at a Supreme Court nomination. Not to mention she is the former Governor of Arizona, a state that has been getting a bit of attention nowadays isn’t it? For the record, she vetoed similar laws when she was in office. But kinda like the Yankees not starting Joba Chamberlain, she is desperately needed where she is right now, and her position can’t afford someone less competent.

SPORTS

Speaking of the Yankees, it’s way too early for the MASH Unit to be activated in the Bronx, but it looks like 4 key players are gonna be out for a while - Curtis Granderson, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada and now Andy Pettitte with that elbow. They couldn’t have picked a worse time to be hurt as this weekend is that big series against the Boston Red Sox at Fenway.

The only comment I’m going to make about the Lawrence Taylor story is that I hope it isn’t true.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Some traditions die hard. In the spirit of booing and throwing things at a Santa Claus on Christmas, cheering as Michael Irvin suffered a career ending neck injury or just purposely vomiting on a child, it’s nice to see that sports fans in Philadelphia have not lost their mojo. Monday night during a Phillies home game, some asshole decided it would be a good idea to run on to the field. Pencil neck was not just stopped by security, that wouldn’t be a story; no…he was tasered by police. Tasered…at a ball game. Seriously when you leave your house to go the stadium, does the thought that you may end up tasered tonight ever enter your mind? Police procedure dictates that tasering is acceptable when a criminal suspect is fleeing the scene of a crime, but was this idiot really a threat, or just a moron? Because if we can taser morons there are a lot of people in my immediate grab area that will be going home electrocuted tonight. There is no way that force such as this is acceptable at a ball game. Especially considering that there are hundreds of deaths every year attributed to the use of this so called “non-lethal” force. I can understand using it on a criminal suspect fleeing a bank robbery, but the guy was running in the middle of Citizens Bank Park for the purposes of making a complete ass of himself in front of 40,000 people, seriously where was he going to flee to? What serious crime was he committing? I heard sports reporters saying that this would serve as a deterrent for anyone else attempting to run onto the field. Really? Well, that lasted a mere 24 hours as last night another idiot promptly did the same thing, only this time no one was tasered. Too bad no amount of tasering could deter him from wearing those pants.