The JB Random Report 5/13/10

No, I don’t have ADHD…you are just really fucking boring!

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

In choosing Solicitor General Elena Kagan as his next nominee to the United States Supreme Court, President Barack Obama has managed to achieve three important goals at once. He's picked another distinguished woman to become a justice, so for the first time in history three women will sit at the same time on the high court. He's chosen a younger person (relatively speaking, of course. In this group of fossils, 50 is considered an infant) to the court, and he's selected a candidate whom some Senate Republicans were publicly signaling they'd confirm even before she was named. The honeymoon may be over already though, as a picture posted of Kagan playing softball, began hater speculation that she might be a lesbian. A lesbian because she plays softball? Are you fucking nuts? Well Sarah Palin shoots things that can’t shoot back, a la Dick Cheney, does that make her evil? Ok bad example…

Seriously if that’s how far these Republican nitwits have to stretch then they are electing her all by themselves. My biggest problem with this picture is how low her front elbow is. That will prevent better follow through on her swing.

Now, underlying issues aside, her main goal is gonna have to be to sway the constant “swing vote” Justice Anthony Kennedy a bit less to the right. So expect a lot of 5-4 rulings over the next decade should she get confirmed, I just hope they are on the correct side.

ENTERTAINMENT

I think I’m going to stop complaining about how shitty music is today…at least for a while. I think my “scared straight” moment is when I heard 60 Minutes resident fossil, 91 year old Andy Rooney complain about not being able to identify with those selling records today. He says that he’s "heard of Sting and the Rolling Stones" in an attempt to sound, I’m assuming, somewhat current. Too bad someone needs to tell him that both those acts are already at retirement age. "The singers I know have been replaced by Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and Usher...I mean, who?" Well yeah, I kinda know how you feel, but when I say it, I’m being sarcastic.
"They're selling millions of songs by singers that I've never heard of, and that must mean I'm out of the American mainstream, and definitely not average." No Andy, you are just older than Julius Caesar, that’s all. "I don't know who Lady Gaga is, and kids today probably don't know who Ella Fitzgerald is. Maybe we should call it even." Ahhh…no again, Andy. See, Lady Gaga might not be able to carry Ella Fitzgerald’s laundry, I totally agree, but only one of them is actually still alive. Given that you are a journalist, whose responsibility it is to remain current even in the face of shitty music, that really is something you should know. Now if Sting is the most current artist he knows, maybe we should wait to tell him about Nirvana and Metallica…he might have a heart attack if he hears “Territorial Pissings” or “Creeping Death.” And certainly keep him away from Lil Wayne and “Pussy Monster”

SPORTS

Given all he has done in his career, added to how awful the Seattle Mariners have been, Ken Griffey Jr. can take a nap during a game if he wants to.

Given all he has done in his career, added to how awful the Cleveland Cavaliers have been before he got there, LeBron James can have a bad game if he wants to.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK at this point isn’t it really, finally time to research whether or not Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer has any Klan or Nazi ties in her recent past? Sue me if you want, I really don’t give a fuck. But if you do, I will be introducing the following into evidence…She signed a bill this week banning ethnic studies in public schools, less than a month after she signed an immigration bill requiring police officers to ask for proof of residency papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant.

The law bans classes that are designed for a particular ethnic group, promote overthrow of the U.S. government, foster resentment toward a particular race or class, or "advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals." Unlike this waste of space, I didn’t graduate from, and I am not making this up, Glendale Community College. I actually went to a real University, and I don’t remember “Overthrow US Government 101” ever being in the syllabus of my liberal, elitist, subversive academic institution.
I think it a miracle that this woman would be elected to run a pie tasting booth at a county fair much less a state in the Union, and whoever voted for this retard should be ashamed of themselves.