Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Tail 11/15/12

This country became weaker last week after the abrupt resignation of CIA Director and Airborne Ranger General David Petraeus. For those of you who have still not been able to put your head around this thing, let me give you the short version: After an outstanding military career that most soldiers would die for that made him the most significant US General since George S.Patton, General Petraeus decided to participate in the writing of his biography. After looking back at his life and finally realizing how cool he was, he became drunk with the adulation and decided it would be OK to poke his biographer and fellow West Point grad, Paula Broadwell which he proceeded to do in a swift, proficient, military manner.

Now, the General was also friends with socialite and military groupie Jill Kelley, who for the record, is pretty hot for a woman her age. She kinda looks like a less white trash version of Kim Kardashian’s mom. Broadwell found out about the friendship and much like boneheaded high school kids, Broadwell sent threatening e-mails to Kelley telling her to stay away from her man, Kelley told the Dean (in this case, the FBI) who was so into Kelley that the agent in charge sent her a shirtless picture, and in the process of investigating Broadwell, found e-mails from Gen Petraeus exposing their affair.

In looking at Kelley’s e-mails, investigators found messages from General John Allen, who now has his promotion pushed back due to his many e-mails to Kelley. Yeah, all this shit because of e-mails.

Is Petraeus a flawed man? Obviously. Is this bullshit worth resigning over? Of course not. Which is why President Barack Obama didn’t accept his resignation at first, then reluctantly did so, so that this wouldn’t be a further distraction.

Now, as much as I really hate anyone having to lose their job over who they are sleeping with, there are genuine questions that need to be addressed. The first being the comments made by Broadwell after the September 11, 2012 attacks on our embassy in Bengazi, Libya. She said that the attacks might have been due to the prisoners that might have been detained there. News to all of us I’m sure, and if the Director of the CIA is giving away classified information during pillow talk then yeah, he is unfit to run the CIA. The next question is, if he can’t even keep his own extra curricular activities quiet, how the hell can he possibly run a spy agency?

Then there is of course, the right wing sore losers who want to make Petraeus’ zipper problem the fault of Barack Obama. Today Senator John McCain, who lost to Obama is 2008, held a press conference “demanding answers” as to what Obama knew and didn’t know about Bengazi, even bringing up the debate with Mitt Romney where Obama thrashed him (Dude you still mad, bro?). I wonder what “answers” John McCain was “demanding” from the President when George W Bush was allowing blatant war profiteering to go on during an illegal and immoral war waged under false pretenses that cost thousands of American lives?

Seriously do we still have to have this debate in 2012 about how what a man does in his private life does not affect his professional one? Have we forgotten that Thomas Jefferson managed to write a Declaration of Independence while banging Sally Hemings? That Franklin D. Roosevelt got us out of a depression and won a war while having a mistress…and he was in a wheelchair! And John F Kennedy…well…

Now, it is certainly understandable that an affair would leave the CIA director open to blackmail, but it’s a Catch -22 isn’t it? If no one cares, then it’s a mute point. Do you think that someone like George Clooney is open to blackmail because he bangs anything that moves? Exactly! And he is actually good looking. Let’s stop making such an effort to look stupid. Right now, the rest of the world that is not populated by Puritanical hypocrites is once again, laughing at us.

 

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Our overwhelming obsession with minutia, and our willingness to allow it to destroy great men.

The 4 Stages of Grief For Rich White Folks 11/8/12

There were a lot of happy people on Tuesday night at around 11:16 pm when CNN officially projected that Barack Obama would be re-elected for a second term. I don’t know if I was as “happy” as I was relieved that at least for the next four years, our country will not be run by a party that seems to be devoid of intelligence, reason and humanity.

There is one very important thing that I hope everyone takes away from this last election, and that is that this country has a fringe but vocal group of politicians that seem to want to re-argue things that were settled years ago. Issues like a woman’s right to choose, civil rights for all citizens regardless of who they love, equal pay for equal work. This is reminiscent of the same assholes that still wanted to fight the Civil War even after it was already decided. I have no idea what amount of fear, racism, sexism, and overall ignorance motivates these people, but they are beginning to scare me, in the year 2012.

As far as election coverage goes, NBC was the first to call the election for Barack Obama, a risky move but ultimately the right call. CNN provided the most solid and steady coverage as they patiently and objectively made their projections (not wanting a repeat of the gun-jumping of 2000 obviously). And then there is FOX News, who showed us all how to go through the four stages of grief on national television. But the most entertaining coverage was without a doubt and by far, ABC and an obviously tipsy Diane Sawyer. Sure you can say she was tired, but I would rather believe that George Stephanopoulos spiked her Starbuck’s in celebration.

Then there are of course, the election night traditions: Robot Mitt Romney effectively ended his political career by giving a short concession speech, Barack Obama came out to wild cheers and once again attempted to be as conciliatory as any reasonable man can to the wing nut yahoos that are currently holding the Republican Party hostage. And what election would be complete without controversy in Florida? First, in Miami-Dade county, a long line turned into a 1960’s protest when Republican Mayor Carlos Gimenez ordered operations to shut down with 180 people in line and two hours to go because he thought the line was too long. Ummm, isn’t that the idea? It was only after residents who refused to leave broke out their cameraphones and started chanting "Let us vote!" while banging on the department's locked front door that voting was allowed to continue.

And even now, two days after the election and Florida has still not been decided. It’s kinda like the homely smart chick that gets no attention from anyone until midterm exam time, then all of a sudden she is the most popular chick since Rachel McAdams in “Mean Girls.” I guess since they cancelled “Miami Vice” Florida is still starving for national attention.

In a considerably more progressive move, two states in the nation decided that they no longer wanted to live in the 1920’s Prohibition Era (because we all know how great that worked out). Colorado and Washington State passed laws that legalized the only so called “drug” that in the history of humanity has yet to kill anyone – Marijuana. In a related story, the age of consent is Washington State is 16. Two words: ROAD TRIP!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Well just the fact that we re-elected the man that killed Osama bin Laden should be enough…

To Me, Sandy is Just a Bitter Ex-Girlfriend 11/2/12

For someone who has been criticized for staying in the hood even after being able to leave, I have to say that a lot of million dollar homes had no power or water during the storm, but all I felt was a lot of wind and rain. So how are those high property taxes working for ya, rich folks?

It was nice to see New Jersey Governor and meatball impressionist Chris Christie actually show some objective sense and praise President Obama for his handling of the relief efforts after Hurricane Sandy devastated his state. It’s incredible how silent Obama’s detractors have been. Mitt Romney decided to give out supplies from his luxury bus, but was no where near the areas hardest hit by the storm. God forbid his highness should even look at an area with no electricity, it might traumatize him for life. What’s next? Having to stand next to, or touch poor people? 

Seriously could Mitt Romney possibly be a worse choice for President? Forget about the fact that this is a man that seems to have functioning eyes and ears yet still denies global warming, could you imagine what New York and New Jersey would look like a few weeks from now if the asshole that said, “We can’t afford Federal Disaster relief” were president right now?
Cynics say that Governor Christie is only warming up to the President because he is up for re-election next year and wants to appear bi-partisan, I say go and visit the effected areas before you decide you want to politicize a natural disaster.

Having said that, I’m sure that there were hundreds of thousands of New Orleans residents that are happy for those of us in the Northeast in that unlike when Hurricane Katrina hit, we don’t have a President with Down syndrome. I say Down syndrome when referring to George W Bush’s intelligence level because I will no longer be using the word “retard” to describe him.

Even thought it is the label that most fits, a bright young man and Special Olympics Athlete by the name of John Franklin Stephens has convinced me that it really is a derogatory and offensive word and it does really hurt those suffering from mental illness, regardless of how it is used. Now do I usually give a shit about offending anyone? Of course not! But what I will not do is offend those who are without a choice, or who are just easy to pick on. That’s just a bully, and I hate bullies, just ask the kid whose face I smashed into a wall when I was in 8^th grade.   

And speaking of bullies, let’s talk about Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter! Apparently she got the attention of Mr. Stephens because she tweeted the word “retard” to describe President Obama. An odd choice of words considering she backed one for president in both 2000 and 2004, not to mention the fact that Obama is considerably more educated than she will ever be. I actually feel bad for Ann Coulter, she actually has to defend the massive foot she keeps firmly thrusting into her mouth. Maybe it’s time for a sex toy?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Just in case you don’t believe in God, consider this…The town where that ridiculous, mind numbing “Jersey Shore” show was shot, has now been washed away into the sea by this storm. I don’t know about you, but where Teabagger assholes see in this storm a sign from God that we should not support gay marriage, I see a sign from God saying that we should start reading more books!