Gays Are Now Free To Join Us In Misery 6/25/11

Last night the State Senate here in New York passed a bill allowing gay marriage. The news media stressed how important this was with New York being the biggest state to pass such a bill. New York is also where the movement for gay equality began in 1969 with the Stonewall riots. Here’s a brief history lesson for those who don’t know…

If there is a pioneer in the gay rights movement that all gays should thank, it’s…The Gambino crime family. Who were you expecting? Elton John or Liberace? Yes, the Gambino crime family was the first to exploit the fact that gays were being harassed by authorities wherever they would attempt to socialize, so the Mob decided to buy a bar where they would charge admission and nearly 3 times as much for watered down drinks, but let gays openly socialize. When the cops began harassing them there too, they decided they had had just about enough, removed their high heels and start throwing them at the cops, then they began respond to nightsticks with their purses and feathered boas...kinda like Hulk Hogan. Anyway, this riot set the stage for equality, as the first steps were taken so that gays could no longer be fired from their jobs or put in jail simply because of who they are attracted to.

Last nights ruling was a greater step towards the equality demanded by a frustrated, angry group of people over 40 years ago. But be careful what you wish for, you just might get it. My question is why? Why would you want to join married people in their misery, especially when 50% of all marriages end in divorce? Can you imagine the first gay divorce in family court? I know a lot of those judges, and I can assure you that they are not exactly tolerant people.

John Waters, one of my all time favorite gay people said once that he was very “Gay Politically Incorrect” because he thought that one of the benefits of being gay was that you didn’t have to join the Army and you never had to get married. Seriously why do you think gay guys live longer than a lot of straight married men? Because they don’t have the stress of married life burdening them, and they don’t have the pressure of having a cackling yenta in your ear constantly whining about how all her friends are married and now she wants a wedding too. Here, I have two words that will spark the fear of God into you all…Gay Bridezilla!

One thing that I hope does come of this is that people stop using the term “gay rights.” They are not gay rights, they are everyone’s rights. Gays are not asking for anything that should be exclusive to them, all gays ask for is to be afforded the same right to marry as anyone else. They ask for no special treatment or quota system.

Conservative detractors, those same honest, straight-forward, non-hypocrites that brought you Ted Haggard and Larry Craig seem to be worried that this legislation will lead to people being able to practice polygamy and even marry a horse. Really? I didn’t know a horse was a consenting adult. The Catholic Church here in New York chimed in as Archbishop Timothy Dolan said, “we strongly affirm that marriage is the joining of one man and one woman in a lifelong, loving union that is open to children, ordered for the good of those children and the spouses themselves." For the record, Archbishop Dolan has proven to be a reasonable and tolerant man, but with all due respect sir, maybe your organization should not be policing morality, sexuality or what is best for children so loudly, given its recent history.

If anyone has a statistic proving that gay relationships are somehow less stable, compassionate or loving than straight ones, then come forward. But reasonable people know that’s not really the case is it? The best attitude on this matter really is that if it doesn’t hurt you, why hate it?

I’m actually happy for the gay community if this is what they want. I think they are nuts for wanting it, but that’s only a short sighted opinion. The truth of the matter is that even people who are against marriage should support them in their right to marry, even if they don’t support the decision to chain your life till its miserable end to someone who will take half your money and never shut the fuck up. Marriage isn’t really the issue here; it’s the right to marry, once denied, now a reality.    

Looks Like the Weiner Has Been Roasted 6/17/11

So last weekend I went to a party and I met someone who mentioned, not bragged, just mentioned that he was a personal friend of Mick Jagger. Now anyone who knows me knows I am a huge Stones fan, and after talking with him for a few minutes I realized he wasn’t lying…

Ok who the fuck is Blake Lively?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

As I watched Congressman Anthony Weiner finally resign due to this “sexting” scandal I wanted to rant on how stupid I thought people were for making such a big deal out of what is essentially nothing. Then I thought about the difference between the individual and the proverbial angry mob. I’m pretty sure than even the brain dead when confronted one on one about this issue would say that they could care less about his personal life so long as he is not breaking any laws or spending public funds. Put them in with the mob however, and they will nit pick at anything just so they can be a part of the dumb crowd that is screaming the loudest for blood.

An individual is smart. An individual is thoughtful and considerate when given the chance to be so. It is the crowd that is stupid, because the crowd looks for the simplest path to bloodlust, and that is a significant part of why Weiner had to resign today. The crowd cannot, nor is it interested in seeing the complex truth, or investigating anything for itself. The crowd only sees the headline, it yells about it then moves on, unaware that its mindless rant might have just cost someone their life.

Needless to say Weiner did this to himself, not just the irresponsible acts, but the fact that he never was able to harbor any real relationships in Washington DC, and that might have lead to his resignation more than anything. Nancy Pelosi certainly wasn’t a friend, nor were any other big wigs in the House of Representatives. So ultimately this man with a good heart and a genuine desire to make his community a better place, an anti-politician more interested in doing the right thing than cultivating political allies, was done in by that very thing. Not just the pictures, but the fact that he was too honorable a person to make friends in Congress.

SPORTS

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks on their first NBA Championship. Yes Dirk Nowitzki is the best player to ever come out of Europe, but come on ESPN, top 20 or 30 all time? Ahh…no. Best foreign born player? Try Hakeem Olajuwon. Jason Kidd certainly deserves his championship after so many years. And I hate to admit this, but Mark Cuban might be a complete buffoon, but he cares about that team and everyone on it. He took a last place team and built a winner with patience and consistency and if not him, that team certainly is worth rooting for.

And although it should be all about Dallas, it seems as though all everyone wants to talk about is the failure of LeBron James’ “decision.” I don’t know if making it to the Finals your first year together is considered a failure, but when it’s this Miami Heat team, the expectations were unreasonably high, and many of those expectations were brought on by the team itself. The Finals being more about hating LeBron than the rise of the Mavericks was a bit of a turn off, but these playoffs leading up to the finals were still interesting to watch, as will next years free agency moves, if there is no lock out of course.

The biggest fish in next year’s pond is flake Dwight Howard of Orlando, who says he wants to be a free agent but stay in Orlando. Someone should tell him how insulting that is to Orlando Magic fans. It’s kinda like saying “I wanna be married but still fool around.” I don’t think Orlando will make the same mistake that Cleveland made with LeBron James and just let Howard go next year. If they are smart they make a trade so they can get at least something in return, not to mention not allowing their team to be hijacked for the whole year by one player. 

And lastly…the greatest LeBron joke? Had to be “If LeBron wanted a ring he should have just stayed in Ohio and bought some jewelry from Terrelle Pryor.” How I wish I had written that one.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Celebrating the anniversary of the OJ Simpson car chase that interrupted the NBA Finals in 1994? Really? When is this finally gonna stop? The murdering of two people doesn’t need a memorial. And unless you are celebrating the lives of the deceased and not the famous accused running back, it really is time to put a lid on this crap.

Don't Roast The Weiner! 6/9/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Looks like now even Democrats like Rep. Allyson Schwartz are calling for the roasting of the Weiner…Anthony Weiner, that is. Of course I expected the Republican puppets and the loudly ignorant Tea-baggers to call for his head (not the circumcised one, but the political one) they have no well-reasoned position on anything. What I believe shocks and disgusts Republicans the most is that Weiner actually sent these pictures to women, and a heterosexual sex scandal is something that Republicans just aren’t used to. But there is a lot more to this.  It would be easy for a reasoned person to stand by the argument that this is a personal matter and in no way interferes with his oath of Congressional office and they would be right, but I’m afraid in this case it’s just not that simple. It has nothing to do with what he did mind you, which most of his constituents believe is innocuous, but more so about the time in which he did it.

For decades, any history professor with an even mild understanding of American history has used the line “If there had been a television set in every living room in America in 1932, this country never elects a man in a wheelchair.” They are speaking of course of the greatest President of the 20^th century, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

In a nutshell, this is a statement that technology shapes how we view our leaders; this latest scandal is proof of that. Now let me make a similar statement…"If there had been a camera phone in every hand in America in 1999, Bill Clinton gets impeached." The reason that Democrats are not standing behind Anthony Weiner is because there is undeniable proof that he did exactly what he is being accused of, in the form of the actual pictures; pictures that can be sent out in seconds and be seen all over the world. Let me give you an image and try not to violently throw up…Imagine if instead of the so called “blue dress,” Monica Lewinsky had text messages and actual pictures of her and Bill Clinton engaging in their affair. Imagine them taking cell phone pics of...ok, I can’t do this anymore but I think you get what I mean. The images would be impossible to get out of your head, and even Democrats who initially supported the President would have run for cover. A stained dress is one thing, but and actual image is another. Without an image supporters can always have at least a token hope of some type of deniability. But with the images there is no way out.

Even Nancy Pelosi, someone who’s position on everything is so lukewarm it is fed to newborns, is calling for an ethics probe. Really? Why not be this animate about raising taxes on the riches 1% of this country? I’ve always said that I like this guy and I think he would have made a great Mayor of New York City, but I would have to get by his name. Now, who knows what is in store for him? Either way I think he is a capable man and if he weathers this storm, anything can happen.

SPORTS

After ruining a respectable coach’s career, his chances at the NFL draft, and pretty much the entire football program at Ohio State, it’s nice to know that Terrelle Pryor decided to leave school this week, “in the best interests of his teammates.” Really? This guy has yet to do anything for anyone but himself, so I’m a bit surprised he expected anyone to swallow that one. There is only one reason he would leave school after the NFL draft had already taken place. Maybe he knew a further NCAA investigation was coming and he could have very well been kicked out of school. What happened to Ohio State? When did they let the Maurice Clarretts and Terrelle Pryors run the asylum? At least Clarrett won a National Championship.  

No, I will not be talking about the Yankees.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Remember a few years ago I wrote about Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog? Well the dog finally dropped dead this week, but what disturbs me is that she was not the only one to leave millions to a dog. A mineral heir in South Dakota is said to leave $130 million to their dog, and it is even rumored that Oprah Winfrey has a clause in her will leaving $30 million to her various fleabags. Recession? What recession?

I'm Prefixing Every Adjective With the Word "Shaq" 6/2/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I can’t get my head around the idea that New York Congressman Anthony Weiner decided to send a dirty pic to a chick he was following on Twitter. I also can’t get terms like “Weiner-Gate” out of my head, as well as a myriad of other references to a bulging underwear pic and the word “Weiner” because I’m just a cruel human being. Despite his name, he is the front runner in the race for mayor of New York City in the next election should he choose to run. This little (or not so little, depending on your perspective) incident might set him back, but should he run, think of all the jokes I will have by then!

A new report released today by the Global Commission on Drug Policy argues that the decades-old worldwide "war on drugs has failed, with devastating consequences for individuals and societies around the world." The 19-member commission includes former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, Richard Branson and George P. Schultz, who held cabinet posts under U.S. Presidents Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon. The commison also calls for nations to explore legalization efforts of marijuana to undermine criminal organizations. Nice to see a former UN Secretary General say that today. It’s too bad he was never in a powerful enough position to say how he really felt when he was, umm I don’t know, the Secretary General of the United Nations? Seriously why is it that so many world leaders are so reluctant to state the obvious on this issue until they are no longer world leaders?

SPORTS

Ohio State Head Football Coach Jim Tressel did what all good leaders should do, he fell on his sword to avoid further embarrassment. However, he certainly does not deserve all of the blame. Quarterback Terrelle Pryor definitely should shoulder some of the blame considering that it was his stupid actions along with a few others that are responsible for Tressel losing his job. And one more thing, driving away from a team meeting after Tressel’s “resignation” in a Nissan 350Z certainly isn’t the image you want representing your school or your team on ESPN. Some of his teammates are beginning to respond to this too, and things are not looking good in Columbus right now.

I called for Shaquille O’Neal to retire two years ago, and given the fact that his last two seasons have been ineffective and riddled with injuries, I think he really should be at peace with his decision, I know I am. As for his place in NBA history, he has to be on, and I’m beginning to hate this reference, the "Mount Rushmore" of NBA centers. There is Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Shaq. This was certainly his time to retire, but, and at the risk of over using this phrase, the league will definitely miss him. Not only was he a great player, and certainly the most dominant force of his era, but he was also congenial, funny and accessible, something Kobe Bryant could have learned from.

I guess I’m so affected by this because he was an athlete whose career I remember from beginning to end. I remember ESPN talking about this kid from LSU who was going to change how the game was played. How me and all of my lunch table friends all agreed that the league just wasn’t ready for this guy. How we all thought that he was robbed of a position on the original “Dream Team” Olympic basketball squad in 1992. Then I remember watching the NBA Draft and him going first to Orlando, I didn’t even know Orlando had an NBA team. He broke two backboards his first year, and I was at one of those games against the New Jersey Nets.

If you have ever seen him in person, he was just huge. Not just tall, but a big man that no one seemed to be able to defend. Needless to say he was Rookie of the Year in 1992-1993. I remember when he went to the LA Lakers and how great those teams were. Even with all the drama of his departure, he still kept his sense of humor. Always an entertainer, I hope even though he is going away, he never goes too far.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Like the animals of the wild frontier, Proctologists for a 20 mile radius were alerted to the scent of these two gargantuan-sized assholes coming together in New York City this week. Hey Sarah, if Donald Trump is the only friend you have in New York then you are in serious trouble.