The JB Random Report 3/24/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

You have to give them an “A” for effort. Republicans tried everything; stalling, debating mute points, protests of fake outrage, prompting their ignorant masses to yell “Keep you’re your hands off my Medicare” without informing them that Medicare was already Government healthcare, and when all that failed, the time honored Republican strategy of scaring the shit out of you with negative ads. Alas, none of it worked. Sorry assholes but we don’t respond to “swiftboating” anymore. Loud and stupid has lost its final battle, now go back to your trailer home, and when you get sick from all the cigarettes and Twinkies, The Health Care Reform Act of 2010 will make sure you survive so that you may continue watching game shows and war movies from your nacho-cheese and beer stained plaid couch.
I could drone on and on about the details of the vote, but you can Youtube it, so why waste my readers’ time by rehashing something they can watch on CNN? And while you are at it, you can watch this too: Would it be a historic event if Joe Biden had not taken yet another opportunity to stick his foot in his mouth? Forgetting (sigh!) yet again that he was on an open mike, he decides to congratulate Barack Obama by saying “Mr. President, this is a big fucking deal.” Thanks Joe, couldn’t be a ruined moment without you! Instead, I will give you two reasons why, in the words of Bill Maher, Democrats are the new Republicans, and Republicans are just fucking maniacs that should not be allowed anywhere near any position of power, ever again.
One of their talking points was that 60% of the American people were against health care reform. I wonder how many of those people were against the bill because it didn’t do enough and they want a public option? Did they bother to add that very important factor? No.
When the Act was passed on Monday night, Rep. Randy Neugebauer of Texas (asshole) decided to shout “baby-killer” on the Congressional floor, no less, (nice example we are setting for the rest of the world) because he felt that Government healthcare would lead to federally funded abortions. That’s like me not buying a lighter because it might burn down my house. I think if these Republican shitheads were so concerned with the right to life they wouldn’t think it was OK for an estimated 45,000 Americans to die each year due to lack of healthcare. Nothing else, not even terrorism, kills that many people a year in this country, and yet we seem to have no problem funding the scaring the shit out of people.
The bitterness of this debate actually has nothing to do with healthcare, and everything to do with the fact that a black president wasn’t satisfied with just making history with his election, he wanted to make history with his actions. Actions dedicated to preserving lives, not ending them with a meaningless, unnecessary war in a country that never attacked us. Did the Republicans mention that we could pay for healthcare for every US citizen and their children if we just pulled out of Iraq today?
Republican Minority Leader John Boehner, (another asshole) said of those who voted for the bill, “We the people will remember in November.” Know what, so will I, and I have a considerably longer memory. Those who voted against this bill will be like the Republicans that voted against The New Deal, Women’s Suffrage and Civil Rights; on the wrong side of history yet again. Welcome to Strom Thurmond-ville…assholes!

SPORTS

And in its own version of reform, the NFL has changed the playoff rules from sudden death to whoever scores a touchdown first. When announced that whoever scored first would win the game, Ben Roethlisberger immediately dropped his pants and started chasing a Hooters waitress…

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY THE MODERN WORLD IS LAUGHING AT US

And of course, no commentary on the healthcare issue would be complete without a hearty fucking reason to hate lawyers! It would be like cereal without the milk. A number of State Attorneys General, (14 at last count) all Republicans, have now decided to challenge the bill on Constitutional grounds. A document, like the Ten Commandments, they seem to enjoy giving lip service to loving and protecting, but have obviously never actually read. One asshole in particular is Virginia Attorney General Ken Cuccinelli. Now anyone with even a mild understanding of Constitutional law can shoot his arguments down, but I’m not gonna turn my blog into a legal brief, so I will just say this…to say Government run healthcare is somehow unconstitutional would also make Medicare and most other government run programs unconstitutional, so good luck with that. To argue it overreaches the Commerce Clause by regulating non-commercial activities, forgets that Aetna alone made $7.6 billion in profits last year and is traded on the open market, hardly non commercial activity.
I think there is a concept Americans really need to come to terms with, without prejudice, fear or bitterness; and that is that we have a competent president, sans an evil agenda who just wants to make life better for Americans, Republicans included. All those Tea Party assholes will be the first ones to benefit from the new healthcare plan when they realize that falling off the pick up truck shooting an apple fritter off grandma’s head while drunk on pappy’s moonshine will actually be covered under the new healthcare plan, and will be of minimal cost to you when you get to the hospital. And don’t worry, the scary negro president is not coming to take away your guns and tobacco flavored fried peanut butter banana sandwiches, if he wanted to he would have done it by now, (remember this is a competent president) so lighten up!

The JB Random Report 3/18/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

President Obama will sign a 17.6 billion jobs bill that Republicans tried desperately to obstruct publicly, but someone must have voted for it because it passed 68-29 in the Senate. And the health care reform vote is just around the corner, but let’s talk about something important…
Obama had Murray State beating Vanderbilt in his bracket…how the Hell did he possibly get that one? I guess that’s why he’s the President, but Cornell upsetting Temple? Dude you have been in the Ivy League too long. Doesn’t he remember the ass-whoopin’ I gave him last year? Even though the President and I do have some of the same upsets in the first round, I think I can take him once again. However he has once again followed me in picking the National Champion, going with Kansas. He picked Kentucky to play in the final game. Now I think the Wildcats are a great team, John Wall is the player of the year as far as I’m concerned, but this is a young team whose players have never even been to the tournament, and even though young teams are Coach John Calapari’s specialty, ultimately they get overwhelmed. I don’t see them in the final game. Now, Kansas’ best players are all seniors, I pick them to win it all.

I actually wanna give props to the Texas Rangers, believe it or not. They would have been well within their rights to fire Ron Washington after testing positive for cocaine. Instead, they decided to give him a second chance, and I don’t think it was done simply to avoid a tirade by that fat, tax evading buffoon Al Sharpton. But I’m sure that they will be watching closely. Nolan Ryan is an old school Texan, and he won’t let the same dog bite him twice, y’all! I also love that this time, the time tested argument that “Sports figures can get away with anything as long as they win” also will not work in this situation. The Rangers were 87-75 and finished 10 games out in their division; Respectable, but hardly Miller Huggins territory. And it’s not just the team that handled this well, Washington himself did something very uncharacteristic of today’s self-entitled athletes, he stepped up like a man and told the truth before being tested. He didn’t get tested then make up a story like “Jose Canseco injected me while I wasn’t looking,” or some shit like that after it had come up positive. I won’t condone what he did, but I certainly agree with how it was handled by both sides, with as little drama as possible, which is probably why it wasn’t juicy enough to make the front page of any sports page in the era of Tiger Woods' laundry list of skanks.

MUSIC

Rolling Stones night on Idol was not what I expected, unless you count that I expected to criticize everyone for sucking so badly. To be fair, not everyone was terrible. I liked Crystal, but no one really blew me away or made a Stones song their own. I guess that’s an impossible task for a karaoke show. I was surprised that they booted that girl, I didn’t think she was so bad, but what’s up with singing whatever you want when you get booted? I thought you were supposed to sing your last song?

In really sad music news, while irrelevant pop drivel continues to pollute our airwaves, a true pioneer has died. Alex Chilton, founder of the incredibly influential group Big Star, died in New Orleans. One of my other all time favorite bands, The Replacements, wrote a song about him, you know. What The Velvet Underground was to New Wave, Big Star was to Power Pop, best illustrated in the phrase “Only 100 people bought ‘The Velvet Underground & Nico,’ but those 100 people went out and formed bands after listening to it.” How I really wish I had written that. Without Big Star there would be no Replacements, Jeff Buckley, Liz Phair, Cheap Trick...I really could go on and on. How missed he will be.

The JB Random Report 3/11/10

So this is my birthday weekend and I am pretty much set with my plans, but I wouldn’t mind a quiet celebration, like the one famous mob snitch Sammy “The Bull” Gravano is probably having. And I won’t be wearing any Mormon magic underwear with Mitt Romney, who also shares my birthday. I have nothing in common with those guys, but Steve Finley and I both played a great outfield in our day!

Sorry I was late this morning, but Rep. Eric Massa kept drunk-texting me all night and into this morning asking if he could come over and tickle me. This guy is not helping that Navy/gay stereotype at all.

Just in case you needed another reason to hope that Congress gets off its collective ass and passes the health care reform bill…Rush Limbaugh has issued the following challenge; If the U.S. Congress passes health care reform, Limbaugh will leave the country to receive his medical treatment. Maybe Oxycontin is sold over the counter where he is going. Specifically, Limbaugh told a caller that he envisions traveling to Costa Rica should the government, through a federal program costing upwards of $1 trillion, expand health care coverage to approximately 30 million Americans who are currently uninsured. Interesing choice, considering that Costa Rica offers universal heath care to all of its residents.

SOME RANDOM THOUGHTS

So it’s Women’s History Month, and yet none of these Oprah addicted hausfraus are even bothering to celebrate it. I think that women should take the time to recognize their achievements, but at the same time remember that for every Hillary Clinton, there are still waaay too many Kardashian chicks. And that “Jersey Shore” bunch does not help your case at all. I suggest instead of using this month to man-hate or quoting great women on your Twitter or Facebook page so that other lame yentas can agree with you, how about actually doing something great? You can make a point that Kathryn Bigelow did something great, becoming the first woman director to win an Oscar for “The Hurt Locker.” I agree it’s a significant achievement, but I know three women who work for ACS, or similar agencies dedicated to preventing child abuse. These women are in court almost everyday listening to unfit parents explaining why it was necessary to beat their kids with a fucking broom handle. The fact that my friends are not leaping over a table and killing these so called parents is deserving enough in itself of the “greatness” moniker. So Christina, Yessenia and Ana Raquel, this one is for you…

I’m a realist, not a degrader of anyone. I just call it like I see it, and when I see this I can’t help but react, especially when it’s true…

BONEHEAD IS AS BONEHEAD DOES…

A girl who works 5 years to get a bachelor’s degree, but then refuses a pay increase at her job because she doesn’t wanna lose her Section 8 benefits! Pay your rent asshole!!

A chick who is all over Facebook torturing everyone she knows by force feeding her new relationship on them, needlessly droning on about how “in love” she is and how real it is and how she has never felt this way before. Makes me wanna post “Didn’t you say the same thing to me last month while we were video taping you blowing me in my car?” on her wall so she can shut the fuck up already.

Bullshit rationalizations disguised as “I felt this way all along” made by someone who should know better.

If you are wearing fake contacts, have implants and all types of surgery, how the fuck can you tell me that you are a “real” woman with a straight face? Oh, I guess it’s the botox keeping your face so straight.

A shithead who goes out with an ex she is no longer in love with, and gives him false hopes of getting back together just because she is too weak and insecure to be alone on Valentine’s Day in front of the other yentas.

And this asshole is just begging to be made famous…In Florida, Megan Mariah Barnes crashed her 1995 Ford Thunderbird into another car as she attempted to shave her bikini area…while driving, how brilliant. According to the police report, she was on her way to Key West to meet her boyfriend, and that she "wanted to be ready for the visit." So, police say she had her ex-husband, Charles Judy, who was riding in the passenger seat, take the wheel while she attended to her pubic hair. Because public safety is not nearly as important as this miserable hag’s crotch. Now of course, this woman should be killed by other women for setting their movement back 100 years, but any man grabbing the wheel in this situation should be getting shot with the same gun at the same time, as he equally makes all men look like morons.

The JB Random Report 3/4/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

The world really is becoming a dangerous place. Reeling from the disaster in Haiti, now Chile has been hit with a devastating earthquake this week, although the death toll hasn’t been as high. Now, there should be nothing funny about an earthquake, well actually, yes there is. Like when a CNN reporter is talking in front of a camera then some guy keeps saying “my friend, my friend, USA? Here very hungry.” So the correspondent grants him an interview only to be told “No speak English,” then subsequently given the finger by the guy…write me all the hate mail you want, but that’s pretty funny.

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

I don’t care if he won 224 games, he still gets the award…Kentucky Republican and Hall of Famer Jim Bunning spent the end of last month and the beginning of this week holding up a measure providing a one-month extension of unemployment and health insurance benefits for 400,000 Americans, a bill that leaders of both parties had hoped to pass unanimously. Bunning, who is retiring at the end of the year, says the $10 billion extension, which also includes highway transportation funds, must be paid for with spending cuts elsewhere in the budget. Well yeah, that’s kinda the idea of politics, you weigh what is most important and act accordingly. And telling 400,000 out of work voters that the tap is dry is not the best way to win them over, which is why this guy decided to boldly take this route now when he is retiring. He has since backed off, but what a jerk. Maybe he was beaned in the head too many times.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

I’m positive that, when referring to Crystal, Simon used the word “misunderestimated.” I had no idea he was a fan of the George W Bush Massacre of the English language vocabulary club.

SPORTS

March Madness is right around the corner. After a bit of a rough month I must say I’m looking forward to sitting at Hooters with my friends knocking back a few and watching the games on my birthday weekend. So my picks for number 1 seeds are Kentucky, Syracuse, Kansas and (I HATE to admit it) Duke. I don’t know if North Carolina will even make the tournament this year, but not to worry Tarheels, backcourt help is on the way, I hear the recruiting class is awesome.

James Toney was one of those fighters that you would, pardon the cliché, “really pay to see.” He was tough, he hit hard, would fight anyone any place any time, and he was the one rare commodity that both talked trash and backed it up. I remember watching him anesthetize “Prince” Charles Williams with a right hand. I saw him hit a man so hard his neck twisted back as he fell. Not all the memories were stellar, I saw him get stopped by a flawless and in his prime Roy Jones Jr. I cringed in horror when he tried to act, playing Joe Frasier in the equally horrid Ali movie. And I remember laughing hysterically when Jim Lampley, commentating about a fighter calling Toney up personally to sign a fight, was met with “Well…sometimes you can call the wrong guy up.” by his partner, George Foreman. That’s why finding out that Toney has signed on to fight in UFC is almost like writing a requiem. Look, I have nothing against UFC, a lot of guys I’ve trained with ended up there. But it will never be taken seriously as a sport until it is seen as something other than the place where old athletes go to die; whether it’s Hershel Walker, Toney or any other 40 something ex-whatever.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I’m more of a Letterman fan than I’ve ever been a fan of Jay Leno. Leno’s jokes are just not funny, but every once in a while he gets one right (especially when he rips off Howard Stern). I saw that hateful cast of “The Jersey Shore” on his show doing a Jeopardy-style trivia game and I almost peed myself as to how stupid they actually are. And what’s worse is that they don’t seem to mind that they were being made fun of. I continue to ask myself, when did stupid become cool?
I remember when my Italian friends wouldn’t watch The Sopranos because they felt it was demeaning to Italian Americans. There were even some actual protests if I remember correctly. Where are those protesters now I wonder? Maybe they are turning in their graves at the sight of this level of complete and utter ignorance. Italians should be looking to kill these people like Sgt. Waters killed CJ in “A Soldier’s Story”