The JB Random Report 1/28/10

One of the reasons I will never get a Twitter account is that I do not feel the need to update anyone as to what I’m doing every second of the day, and I certainly don’t give a shit what you had for lunch, what movie line you are on, what your bf/gf bought you, or what your kids are doing that is “so cute.”
Once in a while however, I do get a bit reflective, and now I’m afraid, is one of those times…Sunday, me and some guys I worked with at Tower Records when I was a kid, decided to check out an art exhibit at the empty space downtown that once was the greatest record store in the world. It’s called No Longer Empty: Never Can Say Goodbye and it has some really amazing pieces made from vinyl, old magazine covers and surreal album art made from stone tiles. As I walked around all I could feel was the ghost of teenage years past reminding us that yeah, these walls can indeed talk, but we all hear different things. It is that subjective voice that makes our memories truly our own. I miss that place. And the fact that JD Salinger died today doesn’t help my current mood at all.
If you don’t know who he is, then you:

A- Do not have a college degree (which is certainly not a crime, neither did President Harry S. Truman).
B- Live under a rock of non-intellectual Earthly material
C- Are a spineless follower who never rebelled against anything, or never had an original thought about your own life.
D- All of the above.

Either way, if “that book” didn’t change your life, then you never read it.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Barack Obama did everything he needed to do in the State of the Union address last night. A bit long winded, but effective. He was clear, concise and truthful, something sorely lacking in the previous administration. The priorities were clear, jobs and the economy, but health care reform was left for the end, maybe because he knows how difficult it’s going to be. I really would have liked for him to address the fact that insurance companies have committed crimes against the American public with a bit more forceful language than “stopping insurance company abuse.” There was one phrase in the speech that will really resonate with me for a while. He referred to the last ten years as “The lost decade.” Well I couldn’t agree more, and I realized that a big part of Obama’s appeal is his unique ability to speak to everyone in a language that they not only understand, but identify internally with as well.

Now is it me, or is Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi looking more and more like Michael Jackson everyday? Joe Biden reminded me of an old man cheering on his grandson at a pee wee soccer game. It was also nice to see the president acknowledge the Supreme Court Justices, even if it was to criticize (and rightfully so) that recent decision allowing campaign contributions in the form of advertisements from large corporations. This will set a dangerous precedent that will basically allow a corporation to manufacture and buy any candidate they want, (well, I mean now they will be able to do it in the open) but that’s a conversation for another time. Ruth Bader Ginsburg didn’t even know where she was. During one of the many applause interruptions she yelled out “BINGO!” And didn’t Haitian Ambassador Raymond Joseph look a bit like a shorter version of NBA great Bill Russell?

Republicans are so bitter it’s sad. They hate the fact that, approval ratings aside, this man is actually getting the job done in an efficient, transparent manner, and the only thing obstructing him is them. And how pathetic is it that, for the first time I can remember, a response to the State of the Union address needed a partisan audience so that the speaker can feel better about himself? Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell gave the response on the floor of House of Delegates at the Virginia State Capitol. That’s like Derek Jeter giving the response at Yankee Stadium. Not exactly a rough crowd is it? And did you get anything from the response other than “We all want the same things, we just think we can do it better, but we won’t tell you how because it’s a secret (In other words they have no new ideas)” or “We can’t believe how good this guy is despite all our efforts to discredit him, and we are mad because he doesn’t react to our cheap attacks like Clinton did.”

SPORTS

Gilbert Arenas finally got suspended. Good he is a moron. The only question now is can the Washington Wizards void that $111 million contract of his? Legally, not just yet. If he goes to jail for any length of time they have a shot (no pun intended) but the NBA has no other ruling on this. Either way, his days as a Wizard are over.

Alas, it was not to be, but the J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!, have a lot to be proud of. I for one was not bothered at all by Rex Ryan and his big mouth, I always said that it gave the team a personality, as did a very good rookie quarterback in Mark Sanchez.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

The Jersey Shore. Other than that little chick with huge cans I have no idea who the fuck these people are, and yet I still find myself wishing them death. Actually, I wish them some Salinger and some Jack Kerouac, maybe one of them will grow a brain amongst all those hair products.

The JB Random Report 1/21/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

There are many reasons to hate the French…and here’s one more! French “Cooperation” Minister Alain Joyandet said the United Nations must investigate and clarify the dominant U.S. role in earthquake-ravaged Haiti, claiming that international aid efforts were about helping Haiti, not "occupying" it. Right, like you snail eating cowards occupied Haiti for over 100 years, starting in 1697 to independence in 1804, after the world's first successful slave uprising since Kirk Douglas in Spartacus. Seriously, how weak must you people be when even your slaves can kick your ass? And how did the French respond? Like they always do, they surrendered.
The U.S. military controls the Port-au-Prince airport where only one runway is functioning and has been effectively running aid operations. However, the United Nations is taking the lead in the critical task of coordinating aid. I wonder how critical these assholes were when we allowed French and Canadian nationals to board a US military plane already taking 250 Americans home? Didn’t seem to mind any occupation then did you?
Speaking of great Americans, my new hero is Anderson Cooper of CNN. Did you see what he did? Ok, so he was reporting on how looting had started in Haiti, and there was this 10 year old kid with his head cracked open. It was sick. The kid had so much blood on his face you didn’t even know where the wound was. Anderson grabs the kid from the angry mob, and takes him in his arms to safety. What balls! Didn’t see a French guy do that.

Barack Obama is either supremely confident, or needlessly reckless. After Republican Scott Brown won the Senate seat previously held by the late Senator Ted Kennedy in Massachusetts, Obama rejected the suggestion that Senate Democrats should try to pass a final health care bill before the newly elected Republican senator from Massachusetts takes his seat. He told ABC in an interview, “The Senate certainly shouldn't try to jam anything through until Scott Brown is seated. People in Massachusetts spoke. He's got to be part of that process." Dude we need to win this one by a couple of touchdowns, I hope you are right.

SPORTS

J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!!! There is nothing that can describe how good it felt to watch the Jets beat San Diego, and I’m a Cowboys fan. As Ruben the bodega owner can verify, I said that if the Jets could hold the Chargers to under 21 points they were gonna win the game and I was right! I’ve gone on about how interesting the Jets were since the pre-season, when I first saw Mark Sanchez. In Rex Ryan and the young players they have, the Jets finally have something they have lacked since Joe Willie Namath...a personality.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

How obvious is it that Simon Cowell is leaving that show after this season? Even during the auditions he is sitting on the opposite corner, already getting us used to his departure and Randy taking over his familiar corner spot.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Ok let’s get something straight, there is no such fucking thing as “sexual addiction.” That’s just a fake medical diagnosis obviously invented by a doctor who cheated on his wife and desperately wanted to stay out of divorce court. There is no way that anyone can be addicted to something people are automatically programmed to just do. And if any moron has the nerve to say that it’s just like drug addiction or alcoholism, think of this. Everyone is born for the purposes of procreation, how you decide to have that sex is up to you, but we are all born sexual beings. No one is born for the purposes of drinking alcohol. If that were the case, wine would have been invented right after people were, so please cut the shit. Tiger Woods, you got horny just like the rest of us, you don’t need a clinic to diagnose that.

The JB Random Report 1/14/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid has had better weeks hasn’t he? A new poll this week said most Nevadans viewed him unfavorably and would elect any of his potential Republican opponents. As if that weren't enough, I wonder what made him think that referring to then candidate Barack Obama, even in private, as a "light-skinned" black with no "Negro dialect," would somehow be kept a secret. Look, for the record Reid did like Obama and did think he would be a great candidate. He has also been very supportive of the President’s agenda and I certainly don’t believe he is a racist, but dude, what were you thinking? And now the GOP, the party of Strom Thurmond and Jesse Helms, the party that would read the phone book on the Senate floor to filibuster votes on racial equality has the nerve to call for Reid to step down…seriously, Fuck you!

And it’s a good thing these retards didn’t stop there. Our hearts are with all the victims of the earthquake in Haiti this week, unless you are a Republican yahoo. You know, I tell my friends to stop listening to these brain tumors because it makes them angry and clouds their judgment. My judgment is clear, but I really do need to start listening to my own advice. Let’s start with a man who really should change his adult diapers more often, because he is obviously over hydrating the ass he thinks with. Pat Robertson said about Haiti, and I quote, “They were under the heel of the French ... and they got together and swore a pact with the devil. They said, 'We will serve you if you'll get us free from the French.' " Really? So who did George Washington make a pact with during the American Revolution? And then of course, Rush Limbaugh never fails. Saying that Barack Obama’s swift response to the tradgedy was an effort to “burnish [his], shall we say, credibility with the black community, in the ... the both light-skinned and dark-skinned black community in this country. It's made to order for them." Rush, I know that you are not used to an administration actually responding swifty and competently to a natural disaster, but that’s no reason to say something so stupid. I’m sure Obama will apologize for not giving us a Katrina-style response like GW Bush did just so you can feel better about having supported a president with Down syndrome for 8 years. Wait a minute, since when does he need a reason to say something stupid?

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

This may just be my last year of watching Idol now that Simon Cowell has announced that he will be leaving the show after this season. Seriously who can they get to replace him?

Why does this country keep celebrating Elvis Presley? Not that he didn’t have a great voice that did change music, but come on…Moviefone had a list of “10 Greatest Elvis Presley Movies.” Great Elvis Presley movies? What the fuck? If you had to sit through those horrid messes to actually find 10 good ones you have my sympathy, and some mild to severe form of mental retardation. Anyone that thinks they can find 10 good Elvis movies probably dresses like him and lives in Vegas. I don’t care that he would have been 75 this week, let it go. Why is it that people still have such a hard time believing that Elvis is dead? Yeah I guess it’s impossible to believe that someone who took such good care of himself could just drop dead in his toilet. I mean it’s not like he didn’t have a steady diet of fruit (fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches) and multi-vitamins (every drug you could mention).

SPORTS

HOW ‘BOUT THEM COWBOYS!!!! What a great game for so many reasons. So many monkeys have finally rested off the backs of Tony Romo, and Wade Phillips. I thought Romo played very well and managed a steady, balanced offense. But it was an all out effort by the whole team on both sides of the ball. The last time these guys looked like champions was 1996, and if they play both ends of the ball like this, they might win it all.

And it looks like USC’s Pete Carroll is taking off for the NFL. After the season USC had, I would’ve bolted too. Not that the team didn’t play well, but there is that Joe McKnight driving an SUV that wasn’t his, Reggie Bush rules violations investigations which might lead to sanctions against the football program. Not to mention his strained relationship with his athletic director, then there’s that whole “Head football coach banging a graduate student in Malibu” thing (NEVER proven, by the way)…In the words of Keith Richards, he’s “gonna walk before they make him run.”

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I don’t know if this is even the section where this story belongs, but it does make me angry enough…Mark McGwire deserves no sympathy. After 12 years…12 years of speculation, and numerous opportunities, even one before Congress, to come clean, McGwire finally decided to admit that he used steroids. Great, that’s like Courtney Love finally admitting that she might have a substance abuse problem. McGwire crying and saying that he didn’t answer questions before Congress because he was not granted immunity, and that anyone in his place would have done the same thing, is an insult to anyone with an even mild interest and knowledge of the law; Immunity from what crime exactly? No one testifying before Congress in 2005 was under any criminal investigation, how many years did it take him to realize that? Look, like Pete Rose before him, McGwire is making this joke of a “confession” for his own self interest, and I’m afraid it’s way too little way too late. He is the Cardinals new hitting coach, St Louis is a baseball town, and the media, whether he likes it or not, was going to hound him until he came clean and he didn’t wanna deal with that distraction for an entire season. Don’t believe this guy was trying to be forthcoming about anything.

The JB Random Report 1/7/10

Sure a lot is happening in the world, but since I don’t plan to travel by air anytime soon, let’s talk about some other stuff…

ENTERTAINMENT

Hey…American Idol is next week. I don’t know how enjoyable this season is going to be without my favorite prescription drug enthusiast Paula Abdul, but the secret drinking game is still on for now…

Why are people shocked that Mariah Carey has given two bizarre, rambling speeches at two awards shows? Did anyone forget that she is delusional and insane? She is a big chick too, she could be playing linebacker for the NY Giants, Lord knows they could really use the help. Come to think if it, she would be a great replacement for Paula. Actually I was thinking of creating a short list of celebrity train wrecks that would be good…
Amy Winehouse, Courtney Love and Diana Ross seem to be a good start. Any thoughts?

Sometimes it’s just great to be a man. Especially when you can pee on a frozen car lock and use it as a de-icer. Let’s see any one of those tired hags on “The View” do that!

SPORTS

So many interesting things happening in the world of sports, it’s hard to keep up…

Take a good look at Randy Johnson, because you just might be seeing the last 300 game winner in baseball. The way bullpens are used and the fact that so many starters never see the 7th inning, it’s going to be very hard for another pitcher to reach that Hall of Fame milestone. Not that Johnson needed 300 wins for the Hall, I mean he does have 5 Cy Young Awards and is the second all time in strike outs to Nolan Ryan.
And speaking of the Hall, why was Roberto Alomar, one of the greatest 2nd basemen ever, overlooked?...The Asshole factor. The lone member of the class of 2010, Andre Dawson, was way overdue. Willie Mays, Barry Bonds, and the Hawk are the only 3 players to have 300 stolen bases and 400 homeruns. That’s pretty good company. Still anyone with a computer can get on a website and copy and paste stats, that doesn’t mean they know baseball, so instead I will just say that the Hawk’s numbers can be considered borderline until you consider the fact that he played in a horrid baseball stadium in Montreal for the first ten years of his career. His knees got so bad that he begged the then Expos to trade him anywhere so long as the team played on grass and not turf. So his numbers could have clearly been better. Now I know you can’t blame that on the Expos, but numbers aside I think he deserves to be in. I mean, when was the last time a guy on a last place team won the MVP? Maybe it was because the year he won, the Hawk played with the Cubs, on grass.

Gilbert Arenas is a flake. Nothing says “moron” quite like bringing a gun into your locker room and pointing it at a team mate. Didn’t this bonehead learn anything from Plaxico Burress? And what’s worse is that he is actually stupid enough to joke about the case as though it wasn’t serious. I wonder how hard he will be laughing in prison. As for the NBA, David Stern did exactly what he should have done…suspend him without pay. I hope the suspension is long enough for him to realize how stupid he was.

And then there are the J-E-T-S JetJetsJets! Critics will say that they kinda backed into the playoffs, given that Indianapolis didn’t even play their starters two weeks ago. You can’t blame that on the Jets. Rex Ryan said it best “We are not gonna apologize for doing our job.” As for the decision to rest their starters, you can tell that Payton Manning was seething on the sidelines during the last quarter of that game. Look, the argument by so called “experts” is that you shouldn’t play your starters in a meaningless game so they won’t get fatigued or injured for the playoffs. But football is a game of momentum, and there is no way you gain that after a loss. The whole team was dejected at the fact that they had history in their hands and let it go for no reason at all; hardly a way to keep a team winning, or keep a team positive for the playoffs.
The Cincinnati game was a bit different. The Bengals did start their best players, and just got beat by a great defensive team. I don’t think the Jets will be playing the same Bengals team, but I think it’s going to be a great game.

Looks like the Pacquiao - Mayweather fight, according to Bob Arum, is “definitely off.” Which means the fight will be sometime at the end of this year.

So who ya got tonight? I’m going with Alabama and that awesome running game.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I could give two shits about celebrity gossip, but sometimes shit just bothers me…Is it true that WBO, IBF, and IBO Heavyweight champion Wladimir Klitschko is banging some actress named Hayden Panettiere? Because some uninformed assholes at TMZ called it “Beauty and the Beast.” OK so who is the beast? The unaccomplished bimbo who go lucky cuz she is hot, or the 13 year ring veteran who, I might remind you, holds a PhD? Does she hold a PhD? That’s Doctor Beast to you assholes at TMZ!