Thursday, August 13, 2009

The JB Random Report 8/13/09


Did you hear about that guy in Kenya that offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows to marry Chelsea? I feel a bit slighted I must say, I offered 30 cows and 45 chickens in 2007, and I was totally ignored.
And I think the heat in Africa is beginning to get to Hillary’s pantsuit. I guess that happens when you are the United States’ chief diplomat, and your ex-husband still outshines you on the international stage by freeing two Korean journalists that are half your age and twice as hot. She got a bit testy with a student in Kinshasa who asked what President Clinton (a mistake in the translation, as the kid was asking about President Obama) thought about financial aid in Africa. She replied with “Wait. You want me to tell you what my husband thinks? My husband is not the secretary of state; I am. So you ask my opinion, I will tell you my opinion. I'm not going to be channeling my husband.” Ouch…Chill out Hillary, do you really wanna be seen as a hothead, especially in Africa where a level-headed diplomat is so needed to try and negotiate an end to hundreds of years of civil wars that have killed millions?

Those yahoos interrupting Town Hall meetings to scream about health care reform remind me of those pathetic racists so terrified of change for the benefit of humanity that they would filibuster the Senate floor by reciting the phone book so that civil rights legislation could not be passed. When did Americans get not only so stupid, but so unwilling to do anything for their fellow Americans? Where did we lose our humanity towards our own people? The commercials against health care reform are so ridiculous and such an insult to our intelligence that we should be hanging their creators in effigy, not politicians who support everyone having health care. Every time they use this talking point for the stupid, “government will be making medical decisions, not doctors” the response should be “maybe Barack Obama would make a better, more humane health care decision for me than an insurance company executive with a profit motive and a history of receiving bonuses for every claim that they deny.” When some idiot at a Town Hall meeting screams “keep the government’s hands of my Medicaid.” I think it’s time for the president to address the entire nation on this issue, not just have a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, and educate some people (just in case…Medicaid is a government run program). When a waste of space like Rush Limbaugh calls universal health care Nazism and it prompts some asshole to paint a swastika on a sign outside Rep. David Scott's (D-Georgia) office, while the other half of these morons call President Obama a Marxist and call universal health care Socialism like Ronald Reagan did decades ago, it really is time for a large segment of this population to go back to school. Let’s use that “Universal Education System” a bit more effectively in this country.


It was a wonderful, merciless beating, and the Boston Red Sox have once again been reminded that even if they juice up in order to finally win a World Series, they will never match the mystique that is the New York Yankees. Obviously the pressure is starting to get to them, as Kevin Youkilis displayed Tuesday night by charging the mound on a rookie. Though not as severe, it’s still reminiscent of the beatdown known as the “Boston Massacre” administered by the Yanks in 2006. Alex Rodriguez has been the unofficial mayor of New York this week, hitting big in the Boston series and slowly getting his batting average up, all while banging Kate Hudson. But when you talk about Yankees who have made an impact, you have to address the play of Johnny Damon (guess he wasn’t done just yet, was he Theo?) and the guy who I feel is the MVP of the American League this year, Mark Teixeira. Without these guys the Yankees would be in serious trouble offensively. Derek Jeter leaving the game with a foot injury right before a West coast road trip isn’t exactly good news either, but with the Yankees 6 games in first place, all they have to do is maintain the lead until October by playing smart baseball; right Mets fans?

As for David “Fat Papi” Ortiz, I actually thought he showed a lot of guts holding a press conference at Yankee Stadium of all places, to address his 2003 drug test failure. He actually seemed sincere, and I believe that he believed what he was saying. That doesn’t absolve him from blame, but it’s a start. What needs to be dealt with now are the baboons that are running things at the MLB Player’s Union. Not only are they unable to protect the names of the players involved in what was supposed to be a confidential drug test, but now they can’t even tell their own players what they tested positive for?

Oh, and to confirm Jay Mariotti is an asshole, he has now called for Rick Pitino of Louisville to lose his job because Pitino was being extorted by some woman he had an affair with. He has apologized to everyone that matters mind you, and his athletic director, school president and all his players stand by him; hardly a loss of credibility. But that shouldn’t mean anything to a hater like Mariotti. What’s Mariotti gonna do when we advocate that assholes should lose their jobs?


Just in case you needed another reason to hate both Twitter and Paris Hilton…Hilton recently shared photos of her new designer doghouse on, what else? Twitter. Now just the names of the dogs are hateful…Tinkerbell, Marilyn Monroe, Prince Baby Bear, Harajuku, Dolce and Prada. I do not believe in cruelty to animals at all, but these names almost made me wish I was a field goal kicker so I could grab one of these hateful mutts and score three points for the home team right over the goalposts. Add that to the air-conditioned doghouse costing $325,000, this nation being in a recession and that is more than most hard working people make in a year, then the fact that this brain tumor with a black Amex card seems to be oblivious to all of this, I really think it’s time for her to go away.


  1. Hillary really, REALLY needs to chill. She's looking so much more hateful lately.

    I hate Paris Hilton, too. I've never kicked a field goal in my life, but if you're gonna try with one of her mutts, then I want to go next.

  2. - Yeah, Hillary needs to chill but a) her position is now more stressful perhaps than it has been in 20 years; and b) I don't blame her one bit for reacting how she did. The question was incredibly condescending. Of course, we later found out the translator goofed. He or she should be fired immediately.

    - I completely agree w/you on the health care reform comments. I'd like to add that this issue ONLY comes up when Democrats are in power. Whenever the GOP is in charge they don't even lift a finger to enact any changes in this field. Which clearly indicates that they prefer the status quo and have no real alternatives to the President's plan. (Except to block it and instill fear in the hearts of the ignorant.) Somebody should alert Sarah Palin and her ilk to the fact that we currently have "death panels" staffed by "insurance company executive[s] with a profit motive and a history of receiving bonuses for every claim that they deny". Oh, and yeah, is it a coincidence that the late Rodney Dangerfield's Back to School has been airing all week on cable? Take a hint, people:

    On the eve of the Iraq War, 69% of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was personally involved in 9/11. Four years later, 34% still did…polls show that a majority of Americans cannot name a single branch of government, or explain what the Bill of Rights is. 24% could not name the country America fought in the Revolutionary War. More than two-thirds of Americans don't know what's in Roe v. Wade. Two-thirds don't know what the Food and Drug Administration does…a Gallup poll says 18% of Americans think the sun revolves around the earth…the average voter thinks foreign aid consumes 24% of our federal budget. It's actually less than 1%...did you know only about half of Americans are aware that Judaism is an older religion than Christianity? That's right, half of America looks at books called the Old Testament and the New Testament and cannot figure out which one came first. - Bill Maher

    'Nuff said.

    - A-Rod has been clutch, Tex is having an MVP season, and yeah, Johnny Damon needs to return to the Bronx next year. And don't look now, but Yankees GM Brian Cashman is looking a whole lot better than his buddy and Red Sux counterpart Theo Epstein, Boy Genius. (Your jab at the Mets was cold. Funny and true, but cold. Ha!) Oh, and isn't whomever is leaking the names on the PED list breaking the law? I was under the impression this was a sealed document. No?

  3. Once again, as the cheif representative of the US internationally, it is her responsibility to remain level headed even in the face of questions she might find rude or uncomfortable. We cannot afford the "ugly American" act around the world anymore. Is it fair? NO, she is a human being(I think) and has feelings. However, these are the cards she was dealt and she must act accordingly. For someone who wanted to be president, she should know that. But I guess when your husband is the political version of Mick Jagger and you are the chick who played that fiddle in Dexy's Midnight Runners I can see why she might be upset.

    Never thought I'd live to see the day where YOU quote Bill Maher.

    As for the list, I did mention the illegality of releasing those names, and I do not understand why there is not a more thorough investigation as to how sealed testimony is being leaked. I assure you the legal ramifications of that are worse than knowing who took what PED (The JB Random Report 2/12/09).

    Yeah I just heard about Les Paul, tragic loss for music.

  4. - I guess you're right about Mrs. Clinton having to be levelheaded regardless of the circumstances. But her reaction wasn't of the "ugly American" variety. Cheney and Rumsfeld cornered the market on that one.

    - Why are you surprised re: Bill Maher? I've always liked the guy, although of late I've been quite dismayed by his blind attacks on people of faith. In any event, the points he makes on education in that quote echo yours and are unimpeachable.

    - Someone should open a case regarding the PED list leakings. I thought I read somewhere that the judge presiding over the Barry Bonds case was quite upset about sealed testimony being made public, and that she was a stickler for procedure. But nothing has come of this. Yet.