The JB Random Report 8/27/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Let’s leave his personal flaws (being a Red Sox fan, for one) where they are, it’s not like they didn’t cost him enough, like the presidency for one thing. Along the way he also managed to be an instrumental force in health care reform way before it was fashionable, the proof being shown on this great thing that CNN did. They showed footage of him giving a speech on health care reform in 2009 while cutting into a speech he made on the same topic over 30 years ago, and he was using the exact same language. Nice to see it took the rest of congress only 30 years to catch up with his progressive views. Along the way he wrote or co-wrote 2,500 bills including civil rights, education reform and the voting rights act. I can’t imagine the Senate without a Kennedy in it, and Senator Edward “Ted” Kennedy will be sorely missed as the “Liberal Lion” he was right up until he day he died.
There really is no one in our “American Royal Family” to take his place, most of the next generation being too busy getting drunk, high or banging the 16 year old babysitter. Although I’m no fan of institutions of any kind, for a family of rich people they really are committed to helping the less fortunate. Dedicated to public service, many times making the ultimate sacrifice, I hope to see a “good” Kennedy back in politics real soon. RIP Teddy, I hope there is an Irish Pub in Heaven, save me a pint.

SPORTS

The Mets suck regardless, but the MASH unit that is that team just suffered another blow as Johan Santana will now have season ending elbow surgery. Well…not like it matters.

And speaking of teams that I’m not a fan of but never really disliked…The Jets were wise to announce Mark Sanchez as their starting quarterback. He’s the one people wanna see anyway, and he is just as good as anyone else vying for that job.

I’m not an animal loving Nazi because I actually can have relationships with actual people that have opinions of their own, and not a being that only loves me unconditionally because it cannot think for itself, so I really am glad that Michael Vick is getting a second chance to make a living, and it seems that he is making the most of it. The Philadelphia Eagles are going to be one interesting team this year. The fans in Philly have embraced him, no easy feat considering that these are the same people that once threw iceballs at a Santa Claus during a game.

This era’s version of the Coliseum in Rome, the new $1 billion Dallas Cowboys Stadium has exposed a most amusing flaw…you can’t punt a ball without hitting that obnoxious huge screen. And Roy Williams going down with an injury isn’t good news either. But fear not Cowboys fans…Jessica Simpson is history.

Is it me or is Rick Pitino slowly losing his mojo baby? If the accusations against him are false, then he really needs to chill and let the legal process work, because he is beginning to look like a man possessed by Satan or whatever.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Costco’s “Cuddle With Me” dolls. When the black doll wears a hat that says “Lil Monkey” the only cuddling these doll are gonna do is with members of the Junior John Birch Society. WTF were they thinking?

The JB Random Report 8/20/09

There are a lot of reasons to love Argentina. The National Soccer team, hot blondes, Soda Stereo and a great Malbec.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Reporting the news is getting weird. I think Republicans are getting so crazy they will soon be playing with their own poop and believing that Ronald Reagan is coming to take them back to the mother ship. So instead of reminding everyone that the proposed government health care plan does not include death panels or federally funded abortions let’s report some good news…
Robert Novak was a right wing maniac, I say was cuz he dropped dead. He died of brain cancer. I didn’t know he had a brain, but whatever. For those of you who don’t remember, this is the asshole who first published the name of CIA agent Valerie Plame.

SPORTS

I rarely talk football in August, especially when the Yankees are doing so well, but if Brett Favre was too lazy to go to training camp with the Minnesota Vikings, why not just say so? I don’t care how well he says he knows the offense, he is 39 years old with a bad rotator cuff, there is no way you can tell me that a guy his age will be in football playing shape by Friday…Friday, when he is scheduled to start in a pre-season game against the Kansas City Chiefs. This is not a good impression to make on guys who are half his age that are depending on him. He should have toughed out camp with the rest of the players. Yeah remember the players? The guys you are gonna have to play 16 regular season games with? Look I can’t argue that even a 39 year old Favre makes the Vikings a much better team, but for a guy in the twilight of his career, do you really wanna go out like a selfish, bad teammate? A sentiment quietly echoed by some guys on his former team, the New York Jets? As for his legacy, it is totally secure, remember Joe Montana playing for the Chiefs? Or Jerry Rice playing for Seattle? Of course you don’t, and neither does anyone else. Mark October 15th on your calendar, it’s when the Vikings go to Green Bay.
Speaking of the Jets, I was at the famous Mark Sanchez sequence game against the St Louis Rams, so I’m not surprised at all that he will be starting this week’s pre season game. There is no QB controversy with the Jets, Sanchez should be starting over anyone else they might have right now.
And in more football news, looks like Plaxico Burress will be running routes in prison. You know, jails are for criminals not morons, and to get 2 years for shooting yourself is kinda harsh, this is one time where celebrity actually hurt.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Gotta love the NYPD…there is nothing better than getting harrassed in 90 degree weather by someone who has never had any real combat training and didn’t get enough attention as a child…Are you like me? Do you support small business? Well if there is one thing I love is an ice cold glass of lemonade in the summertime. Imagine my chagrin when 10 year old Clementine Lee was issued a $50 citation for operating as an unlicensed food vendor, albeit by the Parks Department not the NYPD, but they are all the same breed of asshole. You know summer is hot enough, don’t piss us off even more.

The JB Random Report 8/13/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Did you hear about that guy in Kenya that offered Hillary Clinton 40 goats and 20 cows to marry Chelsea? I feel a bit slighted I must say, I offered 30 cows and 45 chickens in 2007, and I was totally ignored.
And I think the heat in Africa is beginning to get to Hillary’s pantsuit. I guess that happens when you are the United States’ chief diplomat, and your ex-husband still outshines you on the international stage by freeing two Korean journalists that are half your age and twice as hot. She got a bit testy with a student in Kinshasa who asked what President Clinton (a mistake in the translation, as the kid was asking about President Obama) thought about financial aid in Africa. She replied with “Wait. You want me to tell you what my husband thinks? My husband is not the secretary of state; I am. So you ask my opinion, I will tell you my opinion. I'm not going to be channeling my husband.” Ouch…Chill out Hillary, do you really wanna be seen as a hothead, especially in Africa where a level-headed diplomat is so needed to try and negotiate an end to hundreds of years of civil wars that have killed millions?

Those yahoos interrupting Town Hall meetings to scream about health care reform remind me of those pathetic racists so terrified of change for the benefit of humanity that they would filibuster the Senate floor by reciting the phone book so that civil rights legislation could not be passed. When did Americans get not only so stupid, but so unwilling to do anything for their fellow Americans? Where did we lose our humanity towards our own people? The commercials against health care reform are so ridiculous and such an insult to our intelligence that we should be hanging their creators in effigy, not politicians who support everyone having health care. Every time they use this talking point for the stupid, “government will be making medical decisions, not doctors” the response should be “maybe Barack Obama would make a better, more humane health care decision for me than an insurance company executive with a profit motive and a history of receiving bonuses for every claim that they deny.” When some idiot at a Town Hall meeting screams “keep the government’s hands of my Medicaid.” I think it’s time for the president to address the entire nation on this issue, not just have a town hall meeting in New Hampshire, and educate some people (just in case…Medicaid is a government run program). When a waste of space like Rush Limbaugh calls universal health care Nazism and it prompts some asshole to paint a swastika on a sign outside Rep. David Scott's (D-Georgia) office, while the other half of these morons call President Obama a Marxist and call universal health care Socialism like Ronald Reagan did decades ago, it really is time for a large segment of this population to go back to school. Let’s use that “Universal Education System” a bit more effectively in this country.

SPORTS

It was a wonderful, merciless beating, and the Boston Red Sox have once again been reminded that even if they juice up in order to finally win a World Series, they will never match the mystique that is the New York Yankees. Obviously the pressure is starting to get to them, as Kevin Youkilis displayed Tuesday night by charging the mound on a rookie. Though not as severe, it’s still reminiscent of the beatdown known as the “Boston Massacre” administered by the Yanks in 2006. Alex Rodriguez has been the unofficial mayor of New York this week, hitting big in the Boston series and slowly getting his batting average up, all while banging Kate Hudson. But when you talk about Yankees who have made an impact, you have to address the play of Johnny Damon (guess he wasn’t done just yet, was he Theo?) and the guy who I feel is the MVP of the American League this year, Mark Teixeira. Without these guys the Yankees would be in serious trouble offensively. Derek Jeter leaving the game with a foot injury right before a West coast road trip isn’t exactly good news either, but with the Yankees 6 games in first place, all they have to do is maintain the lead until October by playing smart baseball; right Mets fans?

As for David “Fat Papi” Ortiz, I actually thought he showed a lot of guts holding a press conference at Yankee Stadium of all places, to address his 2003 drug test failure. He actually seemed sincere, and I believe that he believed what he was saying. That doesn’t absolve him from blame, but it’s a start. What needs to be dealt with now are the baboons that are running things at the MLB Player’s Union. Not only are they unable to protect the names of the players involved in what was supposed to be a confidential drug test, but now they can’t even tell their own players what they tested positive for?

Oh, and to confirm Jay Mariotti is an asshole, he has now called for Rick Pitino of Louisville to lose his job because Pitino was being extorted by some woman he had an affair with. He has apologized to everyone that matters mind you, and his athletic director, school president and all his players stand by him; hardly a loss of credibility. But that shouldn’t mean anything to a hater like Mariotti. What’s Mariotti gonna do when we advocate that assholes should lose their jobs?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Just in case you needed another reason to hate both Twitter and Paris Hilton…Hilton recently shared photos of her new designer doghouse on, what else? Twitter. Now just the names of the dogs are hateful…Tinkerbell, Marilyn Monroe, Prince Baby Bear, Harajuku, Dolce and Prada. I do not believe in cruelty to animals at all, but these names almost made me wish I was a field goal kicker so I could grab one of these hateful mutts and score three points for the home team right over the goalposts. Add that to the air-conditioned doghouse costing $325,000, this nation being in a recession and that is more than most hard working people make in a year, then the fact that this brain tumor with a black Amex card seems to be oblivious to all of this, I really think it’s time for her to go away.

The JB Random Report 8/5/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

If you wanna get Barack Obama re-elected in 2012 raise your hand…ok here’s how you do it…Don’t say a word. His haters are pretty much guaranteeing that he will serve another term. Republicans are so upset that he is actually doing a good job that they reach for what is most pathetic. And Congress entertaining this bullshit is not doing anyone any favors. The House passed a resolution saying that Obama was actually born in Hawaii. Ahh thanks but no thanks, if you people could please get back to work on the economy and North Korea (instead of Bill Clinton having to take time off from his busy strip club schedule. But hey…way to get the job done Bubba!) I would really appreciate it, and so would anyone else with a functioning brain. This is like the House passing a resolution saying that fire can lead to burning.
And Lou Dobbs giving these people the time of day on CNN is just nuts. Although, the network has a right to defend its employee and not show Media Matters’ (a liberal media group) commercial attacking his views. I may not agree, but that does not mean that Dobbs loses his livelihood or gets insulted by people with their own agenda.
But if Obama's most vocal opposition is a fat, drug addicted gasbag like Rush Limbaugh and a Dumbo-eared asshole like Ann Coulter, relax smart people, a retard will never again be elected to office. The Republican opposition is so pathetic they never miss an opportunity to criticize ideas that are actually working.
The “cash for clunkers” program giving people vouchers for their old cars to buy newer, more fuel efficient cars is better for the economy and the environment. Instead of supporting it, Senators like John McCain are actually the ones leading the opposition. Joining him is South Carolina’s Jim DeMint, calling the program as Washington "stupidity" and saying the government shouldn't be in the used car business. Uhh yeah it should actually, when there is an effect on interstate commerce and the environment. Hey Senator, maybe you should read the US Constitution sometime, particularly Article I Section VII. Are these two out of touch boneheads aware that their corporate buddies at the Ford Motor Co. reported their first U.S. sales increase in nearly two years? That other major automakers Hyundai, Subaru, and even Chrysler, the worst performing of them all said sales showed signs of stability and they have all credited the heavy incentives in the “cash for clunkers” government program for this?
McCain is also vowing to vote against the confirmation of the most judicially qualified candidate in the history of the Supreme Court, Sonia Sotomayor. What the Hell happened to him? Is he still that bitter about losing the election to a better candidate that he has to oppose even the good ideas? Is this the stand he wants to be remembered for?

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Wisconsin might be a great place to be a football fan, but don’t get horny there. After Therese Ziemann found out her boyfriend Donessa Davis was married, (was the motel room rented on a monthly basis a hint you shithead?) she hatched a revenge plot involving his wife and a few other chicks he was banging. She lured him to a motel, tied him up, blindfolded him (hey sounds like a good time so far…) then brought the other angry, jilted hags into the room to torture the guy. They started beating his ass, and as if that wasn’t embarrassing enough, then decided to super-glue is penis to his stomach. Nice group of girls. Well instead of quietly going home and killing these bitches one by one, he made the mistake of calling the cops, and now the story is being used to once again illustrate one of my favorite points…

See…this is why you don’t let crazy into your house!

SPORTS

This is a huge week for the first place Yankees. I love how the Yankees are playing this year; winning close games is the mark of a great team. But it will mean nothing if they don’t do well against the Boston Red Sox this weekend. Showing well in the Boston series will determine if all those high priced free agents were worth it.

Is Eli Manning worth $15 million a year? He did win the same amount of Super Bowls as his highly regarded brother Payton, but that’s a lot of cash to put in the hands of someone who really doesn’t have anyone to throw the ball to next year barring some miracle or rookie break out season.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

How is my world supposed to make sense if Paula Abdul leaves American Idol? If that new chick wants to keep that job she better get on some prescription medication and show me some crazy now!