The JB Random Report 5/27/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I have no idea who Supreme Court nominee Sonia Sotomayor is, and I’d like to find out before I endorse her just because we happen to share a similar heritage and grew up in the same city. In contrast, Republicans should also get to know her before they attack her, but that might be asking too much from a group of whining children who are upset because they can no longer depend on the stupid to get them elected. What has now become a joke of a political party wasted no time in dragging out an old video where she made a statement about federal appellate courts making legal policy. Never actually endorsing the process mind you, just stating that it may exist.
And in a shocking development, Rush Limbaugh did not endorse the nominee! This drugged out asshole was quick to call her a “reverse racist.” Do you think he hates her because he really did believe all Puerto Ricans sold drugs and he can’t get any OxyContin from her? I hope this fatheaded gasbag really does speak for all Republicans so they can never be elected again.
The GOP has to handle this confirmation hearing very carefully. They are already losing ground with the fastest growing immigrant population in the country, and giving this nominee a hard time will only deepen an already widening rift.
Barack doesn’t have an easy road either. With the economy still struggling, change and bi-partisanship coming considerably slower than promised, the last thing he needs is a long drawn out hearing. If he pushes too hard to get her in before Congress’ Summer break, there will be a very large cracking sound when he hits the floor if she is rejected. And while you are at it, try to shut up those self-interested political groups like The National Council of La Raza before they embarrass us all with their rushed, non-informed endorsement. If any naked pictures of this woman surface, they are gonna look considerably dumber than they already do, and thus by result making us all look bad.
I would like to read more of her work to have a better idea not necessarily of just her views, but how she expresses them in a legally learned manner, and then determine whether or not she is actually the best qualified person to sit on that bench. There is something I would love to be proud of. I do like the fact that she wrote the judicial opinion in 1995 that sided with the MLB Player’s Union, effectively ending the work stoppage in baseball that began in 1994. A stoppage which cancelled the World Series of the same year. A series that as Judge Sotomayor and I both know, the Yankees would have won.

ENTERTAINMENT

I hate it when the title of an online article is misleading. While clicking through AOL I saw a caption that read “Rebecca Romijn Shows Off Twins.” Imagine my disappointment when I rushed to click on the article only to find her fully clothed holding two babies.

I prefer Pacifico when it comes to Mexican beer, but that Dos Equis guy is too cool. Usually beer commercials consist of horny morons trying to hook up with some chick at a bar, making all men look stupid and perpetuating idiot stereotypes…kinda like what “Sex & the City” does for women. But when your spokesperson is an older, distinguished gentleman who’s “beard alone has experienced more than a lesser man’s entire body,” I’ll have what he’s having.

SPORTS

It’s been a tough month for Dirk Nowitzki hasn’t it? First his team gets bounced by the Denver Nuggets, and now it turns out that his sports groupie, ex-stripper, live-in girlfriend had a felony warrant and was arrested in his house. So let’s have a look at Cristal Taylor…Not only does she name herself after a champagne, she also bankrupted her first husband, running up a reported $330,000 in debt. Skipped out on a $10,000 dentist bill? Weird. She is now claiming that she is knocked up by Nowitzki, and she has had numerous forgery and theft-related criminal accusations since the early 1990’s. OK why am I getting so turned on by this woman? This is the woman he decided to allow into his home? He couldn’t just bang her in the men’s room of a club like so many other men have? I can see why the phrase “No wit” is in his name.

DIET & NUTRITION

Ladies, forget the self-absorbed, weak-minded, pathetic tabloid sluts you usually aspire to be like…Put the ice cream down and get off the pole because have I got a role model for you…Peggy Williams. She was about to take off on a paraglider when a gust of wind lifted her up and flipped her over. She was dragged across the rough ground, with her stomach getting pummeled by rocks. Tyra Banks would have died right there, but thanks to her well-toned abs, her injuries while serious, never endangered her life. The torn liver and pancreas, scratches and numerous bruises she suffered could've been much worse.
"The doctors said someone with my injuries would be sent straight into surgery," said the 47-year-old. "But they told me 'you're fit. Your muscles helped you and saved you from anything worse.'" Ladies take heed…

SOME FINAL THOUGHTS ON THE STONES

I’m going to start outing the people who refuse to leave comments in the comments section, but email me privately with a good one. You have been warned. I was criticized for not including more 60’s Stones albums on my Top 5 list of favorites, and incidentally, so was Mena on his list. My response is that I did acknowledge that the late 60’s were part of the Stones’ greatest creative period. “Let it Bleed” and “Beggar’s Banquet” were the albums that stand out for me. But remember one thing, before “Aftermath,” Stones albums were mostly cover songs. They were well done and it was great music to listen to, but it was not necessarily their own. It took them 6 albums to write one of all original material. I also loved “Between The Buttons,” but I stand by my list. Remember it’s a list of favorites, not greatest.

Being For The Benefit of Mr. Mena II

There are important, though provoking issues going on in the world that should be addressed here this week, like the little white guy beating out the bigger white guy on Idol. I will now address the meaningful, relevant news of the…ahh fuck it… I’d rather just continue my conversation with Mena about The Rolling Stones. While he is busy downloading (legally, of course) the songs I recommended to him last week, I decided to make my own lists of everything Rolling Stones that he had written some time ago…

JB’s FIVE FAVORITE STONES ALBUMS

I have a similar Top 5 on Facebook already. But these are “my favorites” as opposed to “the greatest.” Some rules: No “Greatest Hits” allowed even if they contained new material! Mostly this rule exists because I’m STILL pissed at the fact that “Emotional Rescue” on “40 Licks” gets edited right during the “I’ll be your knight in shining armor…” part when they are obviously high as Hell. In no particular order, so I guess chronological is just as good as any…

1. Sticky Fingers (1971). A classic Stones record you can listen to from beginning to end. In the middle of their greatest artistic period, this album was the bridge between 60’s blues/art rock and the big guitar stadium sound of the 70’s. It was also Mick Taylor’s showcase to prove that he was the greatest guitar player the Stones ever had. Just listen to the solos on “Sway” and “Can’t You Hear Me Knocking.”

2. Exile On Main Street (1972). Considered by many as their greatest recording ever, this double album had everything I love about the Stones, heart, soul, grit, danger, devotion, love, anger, no gratuitous political message, an amazing horn section, and only one Top 10 hit. I love it when that happens because it belongs more to music lovers than to superficial fans. Volumes could be written about how these 18 songs were a blueprint for how to make a perfect Rock n Roll record. In the interest of keeping it simple, I’ll just say that what “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” was for Pop music, this was for Rock.

3. Some Girls (1978). And I’ll tell you why…In 1978 New York City was going through an exciting time musically, culturally and in every which way. Uptown, Studio 54 was the hottest disco spot…decadent, drug-hazed and shallow. Downtown on the Bowery, CBGB’s produced a more relevant music scene fueled by Punk rock…hungry, drug-hazed and real. Listen to this album from start to finish and you realize that it captures both these very different musical sensibilities masterfully on one record. This is as “New York” a record as any other, and it’s great. Lou Reed captured everything that was dangerous about New York City in 1989 with his “New York” album. Just listen to “Shattered,” the Stones did it in one song 11 years earlier.

4. Tattoo You(1981). As far as great albums go, this was their last one; A collection of outtakes that became a bona fide classic Stones record. It’s hard for me to imagine any of these songs on other Stones albums, to think that’s what almost happened.

5.Voodoo Lounge (1994). I see this album the same way people saw “The Velvet Underground & Nico” so many years ago in that it will be a classic later in its life, after it has been digested a few times over. Just one great song after another (with the exception of that single). Bold in the way it was current, a bit experimental, and classic straight up rock n’roll.


JB’s TEN (OK A BAKER’S DOZEN) FAVORITE STONES SONGS

I can’t place these in any particular order, so I guess chronological is just as good as any, and I’m probably not even gonna be able to stick to just ten but…

1. “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.” Come on, gimmie a break…how do you think a classic even becomes a classic in the first place? There is just something about that riff that still has the same effect on me as when I first heard it.

2. “Under My Thumb.” I never thought a song would make me recognize a xylophone. Most songs catch your ear with the opening riff, and this one does it with a xylophone. It was a subtle illustration of the creative rock n roll mind that was Brian Jones.

3. “2000 Light Years From Home.” So overlooked because The Beatles had cornered the psychedelic rock market with Sgt. Pepper, and deservedly so by the way. The Stones had no business making “Their Satanic Majesties Request,” but what a great song.

4. “Sympathy For The Devil.” When done live, it’s usually where Keith does his long guitar solo. The studio version really is a testament to the genius of the late Brian Jones, founder of the band. Overlapping beats, African rhythm instruments that he had just learned to play, and Keith’s steady then explosive guitar make this one a classic.

5. “Moonlight Mile.” A subtle, faint opening guitar riff, a delicate verse, then a burst of emotion without raising so much as one decibel on the chorus. This is genius, and when you hear it, I promise you will never overuse that word again. I think it only appropriate that it was the last song on “Sticky Fingers,” foreshadowing the greatness of “Exile On Main Street.”

6. “Tumbling Dice.” The opening guitar riff is like a long awaited friend that just walked into your favorite bar. The only “hit” from “Exile On Main Street,” a song full of longing, despair and true love.

7. "Star Star (live)." OK I'm a walking contradiction, But on a Stones live album that was breathtakingly awful, this was one bright spot. “Love You Live” should have been named “Hate The Drugged Out Asshole Responsible For This Horrid Mixing,” but this version of the song far exceeds the studio version, with great improvised guitar solos.

8. “Worried About You.” As beautifully haunting as “Gimmie Shelter” or “Moonlight Mile,” this track from “Tattoo You” is not just a great make-out song, but the guitar solo is one of my all time favorites. Imagine my disappointment when I found out it didn’t belong to Keith Richards originally. Like so many other contributors on “Tattoo You,” Wayne Perkins on lead guitar went uncredited.

9. “Waiting On a Friend.” A song about true devotion from “Tattoo You” with the most amazing sax solo you are ever gonna hear in your life by the great Sonny Rollins. I still can’t walk on St. Mark’s without hearing this song in my head. And before they tore it down, my friend Phil and I had a beer at that bar where the video was shot, a fresco of the band was on its Northern wall.

10. “Sparks Will Fly.” An awesome rock song from “Voodoo Lounge.” When a man in his 50’s is bragging about fucking someone in the ass he is either supremely confident or totally insane, I think Mick Jagger’s appeal is that he is probably both.

11. “Jump On Top Of Me.” I just love this song. A B-Side from “Voodoo Lounge,” it was in a Robert Altman movie whose name escapes me at the moment. Once again, a genuine Stones groove revamped for the 90’s that was shamefully overlooked. I guess everyone was too busy with Michael Bolton.

12. “Not Fade Away (live).” Ok you might have a hard time finding this one. Originally done by Buddy Holly many, many moons ago, there is a version on 1995’s “Stripped,” but if you can get a bootleg copy of the Stones 1994 tour, they open with this and combined with the actual crowd noise it’s the perfect build-up song. They also did it live in 1966 on “Got Live If You Want It!”

13. “Don’t Stop.” Who would have thought that a Stones song from this century would make the cut, but this is another classic Stones groove…catchy opening guitar riff, understated, perfect drumbeat, and Jagger’s whiskey in a jar voice.

Some notable mentions: “She Was Hot” (Imagine what Stevie Ray Vaughan could have done on lead if asked) “Happy” “Emotional Rescue” “Jiving Sister Fanny” “I Wanna Be Your Man” (better than the Beatles version…deal with it) “Time is on My Side”(the live version on “Still Life” with Keith’s scratchy background vocals) “Try a Little Harder” “Mona(I Need You Baby)” and “No Expectations.”

FIVE NOTABLE COVERS OF STONES SONGS

By that I mean covers I actually like!

1. Devo - “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.” Mena dropped a most poetic line at my house the other day about the criteria of a good cover, but I can’t remember it well enough to steal it, so let me just say that part of it was being able to add something original to a song that isn’t your own, or else what’s the point? Devo does just that with this song. You can’t even tell it’s a cover until you hear the lyrics.

2. Jane’s Addiction – “Sympathy For The Devil.” Perry Farrell’s creepy, end note sustaining voice is what makes this cover so interesting. The rest of the band barely plays, but gets in just enough to add a unique stamp to this song.

3.Travis Tritt – “Honky Tonk Women.” Yeah I didn’t think so either, but this is a great song. I’ve always knew this guy was a rock star disguised as a redneck.

4. Anakelly – “Under My Thumb.” Oh please…if you can like fucking Charo doing “Let’s Spend the Night Together” I can like a Bossa Nova/Trance version of this song!

5. The Sundays - “Wild Horses.” Harriet Wheeler has a voice that I just never get tired of, and the album this is on reminds me so much of a lazy weekend afternoon Downtown and my Tower Records days. Ahh…1992, what a year.

Being For The Benefit of Mr. Mena

Is it wrong to admit that I love that Jamie Foxx/T Pain song? I’ve tried for years to blame it on the alcohol, no one ever believes me.

SPORTS

Mark Cuban is a groupie. A geek who could never actually play, but when he got rich decided to buy a team. So when Cuban calls Kenyon Martin a thug within earshot of his mom, neither one of them should take this fool seriously. I’m sure Martin’s mom could kick Cuban’s ass.
How interesting have these NBA playoffs been? I haven’t been this excited since the Jordan days. People should start recognizing that LeBron James is the greatest all around player since Magic Johnson. LeBron can’t pass like Magic (no one could) but just imagine if Magic had shot more and played above the rim…yeah I know…terrifying.

BEING FOR THE BENEFIT OF MR. MENA

For the first time in the 3 year history of The JB Random Report, I am dedicating a segment to one of my good friends. Don’t get me wrong, anything I write is for all my readers to enjoy and if I were to have anything private to say to anyone I would just use
my powers of telepathy and mind control (Halle Berry…you will call me…Halle Berry…you will call me).
So the other day we were talking about my all time favorite band, The Rolling Stones and their creative output over the past 20 years. Now I wasn’t born when they had their best creative years of the late 60’s-early 70’s, and there is no way Mena was old enough to appreciate that era beyond attempting a sing-along with the radio from his crib. However, we both agree that was their best creative period, with a few good records on either side.
When a band has been around as long as the Stones and their best era so well documented, it’s easy to ignore the rest of their output. Both of us also agree that with the exception of a few drug-hazed clunkers, the late 70’s-early 80’s was also a respectable era for the Stones, with its best record, “Tattoo You” coming at the end of it. A record that was, ironically enough, a collection of outtakes from previous recording sessions that ended up being “Emotional Rescue” and “Some Girls.” They wanted to tour in 1981 and just decided to mix these songs. Keith Richards said of Tattoo You, “We had ‘Start Me Up’ in the can for years… critics called it ‘the freshest sounding Stones album in years,’ we all had a good chuckle.”
Now I would have seen the Stones in concert during the last 20 years regardless of whether or not the records were good because it was the era in which I was finally old enough to do so, and since everyone thought that the 1981-82 Tattoo You tour was going to be their last. Over the past 20 years I have seen this band 9 times, and they were amazing. They could have toured behind an album of polka music and I still would have gone. 1994 in particular was one of the best shows I have ever been to.
So now it is time for the student to become the master, for the falcon to hear the falconer, for The Karate Kid to get the headband from Mr. Myagi, as now I give Mena a playlist. A playlist of Stones songs from the last 20 years that I think he will respect.

Steel Wheels 1989

Sad Sad Sad
Mixed Emotions
Almost Hear You Sigh

Voodoo Lounge 1994

Sparks Will Fly
I Go Wild
Thru and Thru
Jump On Top of Me (rare B-Side)

Bridges To Babylon 1997

Flip the Switch
Already Over Me
Thief in The Night

40 Licks 2002

Don’t Stop

And just for good measure, here’s a short playlist of…

Songs on solo albums that I believe were actually written for the Stones

Mick Jagger

“Just Another Night” should have been on Undercover
“Throwaway” should have been on Emotional Rescue
“Don’t Tear Me Up” should have been on Black & Blue

Keith Richards

“Make No Mistake” should have been on either Emotional Rescue or Tattoo You
“Eileen” should have been on Some Girls
“Demon” should have been on Steel Wheels

The JB Random Report 5/7/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Supreme Court Justice David Souter announced that he will retire. I think he wanted out a while ago, but wisely waited out the Bush administration so that this time a cleaning lady and a maniac would have no chance of being nominated. This really is Barack Obama’s chance at something all presidents want, legacy. He has a unique opportunity here to nominate an exceptional candidate that doesn’t necessarily fit the usual Supreme Court Justice mold. Needless to say, everyone is chiming in with an opinion. There has been the suggestion (a good one, by the way) that the candidate not come from the Federal Court of Appeals judge pool traditionally used to pick a nominee. Recent Democrat convert Sen. Arlen Specter even suggested that the nominee shouldn’t even be a lawyer, just someone with the right credentials. Ahhh…slow down cowboy. I know you wanna make a good liberal impression, but when it comes to the highest court in the land, I think an expert on the law might be the best choice. Sometimes people can say or do something really stupid just to fit in…like Frank Sinatra when he wore those stupid love beads while being married to a much younger Mia Farrow.

So why exactly is it called the “Swine flu?” Is Karl Rove patient zero?

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

Led Zeppelin on Idol? We truly are witnessing the end of days. Boring as this season has been, I think that dude Adam is gonna win, then he’ll come out of the closet.

SPORTS

Manny Ramirez? I always thought he was a flake, certainly a goofball, maybe even an asshole, but I never thought he would be suspended 50 games for a banned substance. It’s too fresh a story to comment much on its truth, but I really can’t imagine why this guy would need a female fertility drug. Manny, if you are having trouble getting pregnant I can introduce you to my uncle Tony. He has 11 kids by 6 different women. I’m sure he can boink you a few times and knock you up. You don’t need drugs.
How this will impact the Dodgers also remains to be seen, but anything that makes the Lakers the second sports story in Los Angeles, has to be pretty huge. In LA it’s all about the Lakers and USC Football. The Dodgers were very distant third. That is, until Joe Torre and Manny came to town. Baseball is popular in LA again, and this might set that whole thing back considerably. So, bad news first…this happened now, not a few years ago, and was the subject of a positive test result. The last time it was Rafael Palmeiro, and he was never heard from again. The good news is that unlike Roger Clemens, Barry Bonds, or even Alex Rodriguez, Manny, ironically enough, is adored by both his current teammates and Dodger fans, and they will rally behind him. As for A-Rod…

I usually don’t respond to other on-line articles because mine are really the only ones that matter, but Jay Mariotti is an asshole. Just how big a bite out of A-Rod’s ass do you need? He came clean and wants to move on, why not let him? Why call for his suspension when he never tested positive since testing became mandatory in baseball? Seriously Mariotti are you still that mad at the captain of your high school baseball team for fucking your prom date? And to state with such conviction that “I’ll believe the author” when discussing Selena Roberts’ book is clearly misguided. Her information was obtained through what are at best, questionable “unnamed” sources, mostly from that cavernous space that is her own empty head. Remember, this is the same asshole who smeared Duke lacrosse players even after they were formally cleared of all charges (I guess an over zealous prosecutor who ended up being charged with ethics violations couldn’t do enough damage for her); and wasn’t this groupie with a typewriter illegally on the University of Miami campus stalking Alex Rodriguez? And how about the police being called when she tried to get into the gated community where he lives. Damn what’s next? Sneaking into his kitchen and boiling a live rabbit? What a creep. The only people who will find her credible are other sports groupies, regardless of the truth or lack thereof in her book.

Well I’m just shocked that a young, in-shape, and undefeated Floyd Mayweather Jr. decided to come out of retirement. I really thought he was happy in the WWE. I’m sure the possibility of making the biggest box office payday of the year by fighting the winner of Pacquiao-Hatton never crossed his mind. Mayweather is taking a bit of a risk by having his so called “warm-up” fight against Juan Manuel Marquez. Marquez is far from a tune up fighter and he better take him seriously unless he wants to keep doing commercials. Oh, and then there’s Oscar De la Hoya…and why is this man smiling? Because he is making more than both of them for the fight!
As for Ricky Hatton, he took a lot of good shots from Manny Pacquiao in that fight, but calling for him to retire is a bit premature. He was up against a great fighter, and if he re-works how he trains I think he can still be a champion. Just stay away from lefty power shots.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I can see why Souter wants out. The US Supreme Court wants to review a ruling in favor of CBS that dropped a $550k FCC fine over Janet Jackson “wardrobe malfunction.” Uhh…guys, that was an irrelevant case five years ago, isn’t it time to move on?