The 19 Girls You Meet before You Find "The One"

So I was scrolling through the “Buzzfeed” website the other day and I came across this article entitled “The 19 Guys You Meet Before You Find ‘The One’.” I have to admit this kinda bothered me for a number of reasons. Not that I am overly old school, but I would hate to think that the woman that considers me “The One” could only come to that realization by first spreading her legs for 18 losers before me. What does that really say about her judgment?
Now if you think that view is a bit too conservative, I really don’t give a fuck, however I will still address your concern: When you call a man “conservative” or “insecure” just because he does not want a certain type of woman, then call a woman “selective” when she rejects certain types of men, you really are not doing much for that whole “gender equality” thing. Remember it’s called “equality.” I am entitled to my personal tastes as you are yours.

It also bothered me that out of those 19 men listed, 17 of them were just man hating stereotypes that bitter women complain about while sitting in a circle in matching yoga pants, drinking cheap wine and practicing witchcraft. But the worst part of this so-called article is that the author doesn’t even offer any positive resolution at all. Even the last entry is simply “the one who could have been the one.” The one who “could have been?” Then why even write the article to begin with if you have no real insight at all? Why should we sit through 19 of your relationship failures if you have nothing to offer other than a hateful rant? So I decided to come up with a list of my own, and unlike that hateful Buzzfeed article, I actually offer some hope. Keep in mind that I am aware that there may be a lot more categories (feel free to add your own) and that some of these may overlap…

The One Who Could Kick Your Ass – She is your size, your height, and to this day you still can’t figure out how she was able to get you in a headlock. OK, well maybe it was because you were both 8 years old, but still. When the first words out of her mouth are “You better kiss me or I’m gonna punch you” you know you’re in trouble.

 The High School Sweetheart – You thought you would be together forever didn’t you? Well one of you fucked that up.

The College Sweetheart – She’s only slept with one other guy before you -The High School Sweetheart. She made you wait. You did everything together that freshman year. You still hooked up a few times after that, but she eventually outgrew you after fucking her Psychology professor.

The Chick Who Had a Boyfriend – Hey you don’t know him, right? And if this chick is not happy at home that’s not your problem. However, when she blames the affair on you because you failed to ask if she had a boyfriend before she let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, then this is a chick that overlaps into the delusional category of this list. If she is the type of chick that will solve her self-esteem problems at home by having one night stands she refuses to be accountable for, you can skip to the next one.

The One Who Got Away – She was young, beautiful, respectful, and from a decent family and for some odd reason, totally crazy about a shmuck like you. But your dumb ass was too preoccupied with winning academic awards in college that are pretty meaningless in the real world, to notice how great she was.  She had enough, and you tried to get her back, but it was too late. You are facebook friends, but she is happily married now. This one really hurt, take it as a life lesson and don’t let the same dog bite you twice.

The One Who Went Away – This was the time. You were ready to finally settle down. Everyone liked her, your friends, your family. Then after watching one too many episodes of “The View” she decides that maybe she can do better and that you are making her feel trapped. Yeah trapped because you are offering her everything that she has been saying she wanted since she was 12. But since the Lifetime movie of the week makes it look so cool to break up with the perfect guy so that you can “find yourself,” she decided that she is better off alone. After she realized that TV is not real life, she calls you back offering you a chance to apologize. How’s that working out for you, hon?

The Pathological Liar – To some degree, we have all dealt with this one. From the one who calls herself a “Law Student” because she is taking a law class at a community college, to the one that invites you to a party at her parents house and informs everyone that it is your engagement party; everyone, that is, except you. She just makes shit up for no apparent reason. And after the break-up, makes up a myriad of suitors to make you jealous, when what you really are doing is thanking God for helping you dodge a bullet that would have cost thousands of dollars of your retirement income on psychotherapy.

The One Who Was Not Pretty at All, But SO Incredible in Bed That You Couldn’t Stop Calling Her – We all have one. You know who she is, and right now you are wondering whether or not her number is still in your phone.

The One Who Called Herself a “Survivor” But Had No Real Problems That Were Not Self-Created – In 2006 she had the traumatic experience of brushing up against some guys crotch on a crowded subway, then called a rape crisis hotline for the next 7 months. Makes it a point to tell you how fucked up her life has been, especially that time when her parents refused to buy her a car for her Sweet 16. “I have too many problems in my life to date anyone right now.” Is just coded language for “why won’t somebody love me?” Is totally oblivious to the fact that there are real people out there with real problems, and feels that MTV is sending her subliminal messages through the television telling her that she is destined for a higher calling. She wants to share her grief with the world so that everyone will benefit from her experience, the problem is that she has no real experience.

The Angry Chick – She feels cheated, rejected and disillusioned. She is the one making up reasons why a pet is better than a man then posting it on social media. All she really needed was a hug, but when she didn’t get it, she went domestic terrorist on every website she could find. She just went through a horrible experience with a man, and wants to take it out on the next guy she dates -  guess who?

The Wanna-Be Intellectual Revolutionary – She insists that her family just doesn’t understand her simply because they were always telling her to shut the fuck up. Read one book on Che Guevara and now wears the t-shirt and has a huge poster on her wall. Has no idea how many people he had killed, or that he wasn’t actually Cuban. Has the audacity to say that she “only dates nerds” because she is an “intellectual elitist.” Had to look that phrase up, but it sounded so cool. Is present at every meaningless protest rally. Loves the sound of her own voice. Never gets a second date for some reason, so she is always going on about how happy she is alone with her books; books that she has either never read, or never understood. Gets away with being an intellectual fraud because no one smart enough to see it cares enough to call her out on it. Says she relishes in her time alone, but what she really wants to do is shave her pits and find a man.

The One Looking For a Father For Her Kids – With a body like that you would never suspect that this chick popped out three kids from three different convicted felons. She ignored you when you were both teenagers because she was too busy skipping class to go clubbing and bang older guys. Now she is a 30 year old dental assistant and working on her GED at night, because the party is over and it’s time to get serious. All she needs now is someone to take care of her and her brats. It should be noted that not all single mothers are like that, but still beware! You are not accountable for her life decisions…RUN DUDE!!!

The One Who Knows EVERYONE At the Bar – It’s like trying to date Norm from Cheers.

The Gold Digger – You know her from the Kanye song. You can’t walk down any street with a store or a cart because she will always be wanting you to buy her something. She constantly “needs” money for her rent or phone bill, and if it’s not her then it is for a family member. Expects you to subsidize her entire lifestyle because she is sleeping with you. What is worse, some of them are not even subtle about it. Your ideal response: “Here’s a gun bitch, go rob somebody…”

The One Who Was Kind of a Slut but You Were Lonely- Gentlemen, it is never a good idea to play Captain Save-a-Hoe when a hoe just doesn’t wanna be saved. (Thank you Sloane for the use of that phrase) Dude, you knew she was a little inappropriate the first time you saw her drink. You looked the other way when she started talking about her numerous bi-sexual experiences and was a big fan of the phrase “If his wife/girlfriend isn’t in the same city, then technically I’m not fucking a married guy.” Yes she wore short shorts with stiletto heels and you were like “maybe it’s just a form of self-expression?” She absolutely hates the town she grew up in and doesn’t want to ever go back. Hmmm…I wonder why? Her biggest problem, she has met too many people like her. And you brought her home to meet your mom? You shithead.

The One With Daddy Issues – He didn’t love me! Well guess what? Neither do I.

The Self-Absorbed, Delusional Asshole – This is the chick who thinks that she is the next Kim Kardashian, and to her that’s a good thing. This is the type of chick that is in a complete world of her own. She constantly needs attention and doesn’t really care where it comes from. She is shocked when people think she is wrong, and can’t believe she has yet to land her own reality TV show after the numerous sex tapes she has sent to TMZ.

May not actually cheat on you, but she seems to have a lot of guy friends. Heads up homie, those are the guys she fucks in between boyfriends that she will never tell you about. If you have a fight she will fuck someone else and not tell you about it, then justify it to herself by saying “we were not together for those few hours.” She would cheat on a soldier going to war with some douchebag Jodi, then have the fucking nerve to say it was his fault for leaving. Gets angry upon realizing that you cannot read her mind. No accountability at all.  

The One – She totally owns her image, not because she posts stupid clichés on social media or talks about her morality; she actually doesn’t say a fucking word, she just lives it. She doesn’t have to lie about who she is or who she was before, because it was always the same girl. She doesn’t have to hate men, because she doesn’t make bad decisions due to unrealistic, absurd, reality TV and lame pop song expectations. The only haters she has are the lame bitches who wish they had gone to school instead of dropping out because they thought Lil’ Wayne was gonna propose.   She can watch an art film or a football game, as long as she is with you and you don’t talk over it too much. She knows how to act in front of your family, friends and co-workers. She can disagree without being disagreeable. She knows how to save you from yourself. Look, no one can really define this person except you, so don't look for the definition anywhere other than in your own heart and mind. Have some respect for yourself, your life, and who you decide to bring around it. She may not be perfect, but she is perfect for you, and she just might be out there somewhere...

Why the World Cup is Awesome and Ann Coulter is a Dumbo-Eared Asshole

Every four years I develop something known as “World Cup Fever.” Though not a huge soccer fan, I have always acknowledged the power the sport has on the rest of the world, even if the United States has not quite embraced the international game…until now. And that’s just one of the many reasons why the 2014 World Cup was so satisfying to watch. In fact, I believe that it may very well be the best World Cup ever.

Not that 2010 wasn’t good, I mean the official song by Shakira was really cool and totally within the spirit of the host nation, as opposed to the pre-fabricated crap that was this year’s song. There was a first time winner in Spain, but after that, it was just me and a lot of “I have a Vuvuzela in my pants” jokes.

The United States has never given me a reason to root for them until recently, so I naturally always rooted for the best Latin American team. And since I was a kid, that team has been Argentina. I know that I am in the minority as far as the rest of Latin America goes, and given the fact that most of you were rooting for The Netherlands, I see nothing has changed much.

But I don’t care, I have always liked the attitude and even crassness of the Argentine team, personified by Diego Maradona. Lionel Messi is not nearly the personality that Maradona was, but he is still the best player of his era, and a World Cup will only serve to cement that legacy.

Oh, and just in case you needed another reason to root for Argentina…

 

 

 

As for their opponents in the Finals...

What’s up with that nickname? “Mannschaft” is kinda phallic isn’t it? This name just screams punchline as far as I’m concerned. And this picture certainly doesn't help at all. Feel free to make your own jokes in the comments section.

Now, I could make so many more jokes about Germany and its history, but I will take the high road and refrain from making any tasteless comments about historical villany and just enjoy the game. Although even I have to admit, the beating that they gave Brazil on their home soil was pretty embarrassing. The last time I saw a German victory that lopsided on someone else’s home turf they were invading Poland in 1939.

I really believe that regardless of who wins, it is the stories that surround this World Cup that are just as compelling as the matches themselves, and here are my favorites from 2014…

The Fact That the Biggest Foreign Buyers of World Cup Tickets Was the United States & the United States National Team.

One of the great things about living in New York, is that there are so many immigrants that the World Cup becomes a huge deal here. But as anyone who watched ESPN can tell you, the viewing parties in Chicago and Kansans City, yeah, Kansas City that huge bastion of immigration, were as enormous as they were enthusiastic. It should then come as no surprise that the country long accused of being indifferent to soccer would buy the most tickets of any other country besides Brazil.

Now don’t get too excited, but there is a very realistic chance that given the recent investigation into corruption charges against the nation of Qatar, the United States could very well host the World Cup in 2022.

Regardless of who wins on Sunday, the winner of this tournament was the United States, simply because they made everyone finally take notice, something that they couldn’t even do in 1994 when they hosted the World Cup.

Yes I know they only won one game. Yes I know they kinda backed into second place in their group. Yes I was one of those people that felt that Landon Donovan, certainly the most recognizable US soccer player if not the best, should not have been left off the team.

But despite the criticism levied on head coach Jurgan Klinsmann, he stuck to his guns and is building a team that will be coherent and familiar with all of its own components for many years to come. I still would have liked to see Donovan have one more day in the Sun, and realistically they could have used him after Jozy Altidore went down; and Donovan certainly could have scored against Belgium (could you imagine????). Ahhh what could have been…

Just in case you needed another reason to cheer for the USA…

ESPN’s Tommy Smith’s Incredibly Awesome Accent

Come on, am I the only one who was waiting for him to say “They’re after mi Lucky Charms!” or “I need mi Gold!” I’m pretty sure he could play the Leprechaun should Hollywood decide to do a reboot.

The Colombian National Team

Imagine 16 years of trying and failing to field a decent team because of the violence and corruption associated with soccer in your country. Imagine 16 years of having to live with the stigma of Colombian drug cartels and kidnappings. Whether deserved or greatly exaggerated, this Colombian national team did everything it could to distance itself from the past, and in this World Cup gave their country a clean playing and honestly developed team to cheer for, and boy were they fun to watch. They came up short against Brazil, but they also gave us a glimpse of the future. They are a young team and they will be interesting to watch. And in 2018, they will only be better, and further removed from the stigma long associated with their past.

Oh yeah…just in case you needed another reason to root for Colombia…

 

Ann Coulter proving the high level moron she is by saying that “Any (United States) growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay”

Seriously, at what point does someone just put her in a home? She also went on to say, and I quote, ”If more 'Americans' are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law…One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.” (Sigh…)

In a way, I almost admire her willingness to make a complete and utter racist, everything-phobic ass out of herself in front of the entire world. She continued to babble that the game is boring, doesn’t celebrate individual achievement, and unlike “our” sports, it’s not violent enough. OK, I am not going to rant, as it will only give this brain tumor more attention, so I will address her issues with two sentences:

1-    Christiano Ronaldo made $80 million in 2014, pretty solid individual achievement I must say, considering that “our” LeBron James made less.

 

2-    I guess this Dumbo eared asshole missed it when Brazil’s Neymar, who incidentally made 33.1 million this year, was carted off the field with a broken vertebra playing this whimpy-ass game.

 

And incidentally, what could be more un-American than attacking a sport that has only served to endear us to the rest of the world, instead of the bullying, conservative foreign policies that have made the rest of the world hate us?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...Just in case you needed another reason to love the World Cup…

 

 

I think I can speak for a lot of us when I say “God Bless the Beautiful Game”

Why Kim Kardashian is a Genius. No...Really

Sometimes smart people can be intellectual bullies, I do not condone that. Kim Kardashian in most cases is an easy target for smart people. But such criticism is usually followed by accusations of being a hater by a bunch of reality TV obsessed tweens. Case in point, my two nieces that live in Puerto Rico came to New York on what had to be the hottest August weekend of 2011. I did the whole tour guide thing, and when I asked them where they wanted to go next they said SoHo and The Village. I was pleasantly surprised that they had taken an interest in what was once a staple of New York City underground culture. I asked them what they wanted to see. Art galleries? Café Reggio? A tour of the dangerous clubs I hung out in when I was your age?
Imagine my shock and horror when they said “We want to go to DASH.” Fucking really? DASH for those who do not know, is a boutique owned by the Kardashian girls. Reluctantly I proceeded to walk to where the store was and was greeted by, and I’m not making this up, a velvet rope. I turned to the girls and calmly said, in a seething moment of rage that I admit was not my finest hour as a role model “Look, when I was your age, I worked at Tower Records, and we got on the list at every Downtown club we wanted. I was 14 when I was stamped to drink at CBGB’s. I had sex with two girls in the bathroom at the Limelight and I once got stoned with Lynn Straight. Now those names and places may not mean shit to you, but what they mean to me is that I never stood in a fucking line to get into a place I wanted to be in, so I will sooner get fucked in the ass with a hot poker then stand in a fucking line for this bullshit.” Ever make two teenagers cry? It’s actually fun once you get over the initial shock and guilt.

Kim Kardashian is famous for what exactly? Well let’s not make that the rhetorical question it has always been and actually answer it. First, she is incredibly hot. There is no denying that. I mean just look at the pictures on here…as you can see none of them are of her brain. I knew that her father, Robert Kardashian was a famous LA lawyer who was OJ Simpson’s lawyer (He was not however, directly on the “Dream Team” that got him acquitted in 1995). She first showed up on my radar for making a sex tape. An awful sex tape that was obviously staged and meant to be “leaked.” If you’ve seen that video over 100 times (like I have), you get to know the dialogue, and her co-star, Ray J addresses “people watching this.” Hardly that actions of someone wanting to keep something private.

Second, she is in a breathtakingly awful reality show. A show which disturbed Bruce Jenner so profoundly he now wants to be a woman. I tried to sit through the show for the purposes of writing this article and within two minutes all I could think of was different ways of taking my own life. A show in which she was paid millions to wed Kris Humphries and broadcast it. A marriage that lasted 72 days, but everyone was paid. Bad as this show is, it has not only yet to be cancelled, but has produced various spinoffs from what I understand. Genius.

Third, one could argue that she is famous for banging pretty much every douchebag athlete with the exception of A-Rod, who I guess just wasn’t classy or black enough for her.

However, in the Pantheon of douchebags none stand taller and prouder than Kanye West. Kim Kardashian, with her history of gold digging and social climbing, has gotten West, someone who was made famous by singing a song about gold diggers, to actually believe that she is in love with him. Right…because nothing screams "love and trust" like getting pregnant by a high profile boyfriend while you are still married.

She was on the cover of Vogue for no apparent reason. Certainly not due to her contributions to fashion. Something that a model who has spent years walking runways can only dream about. And yet, she still manages to pull it off. Sorry haters, you may think that her brains are in that gargantuan sized ass, but this chick is either a genius, or a complete idiot who can count cards in Vegas like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man." Either way, no matter how many lives this train wreck ends, everyone still seems to be watching. Genius.