Why Kim Kardashian is a Genius. No...Really

Sometimes smart people can be intellectual bullies, I do not condone that. Kim Kardashian in most cases is an easy target for smart people. But such criticism is usually followed by accusations of being a hater by a bunch of reality TV obsessed tweens. Case in point, my two nieces that live in Puerto Rico came to New York on what had to be the hottest August weekend of 2011. I did the whole tour guide thing, and when I asked them where they wanted to go next they said SoHo and The Village. I was pleasantly surprised that they had taken an interest in what was once a staple of New York City underground culture. I asked them what they wanted to see. Art galleries? Café Reggio? A tour of the dangerous clubs I hung out in when I was your age?
Imagine my shock and horror when they said “We want to go to DASH.” Fucking really? DASH for those who do not know, is a boutique owned by the Kardashian girls. Reluctantly I proceeded to walk to where the store was and was greeted by, and I’m not making this up, a velvet rope. I turned to the girls and calmly said, in a seething moment of rage that I admit was not my finest hour as a role model “Look, when I was your age, I worked at Tower Records, and we got on the list at every Downtown club we wanted. I was 14 when I was stamped to drink at CBGB’s. I had sex with two girls in the bathroom at the Limelight and I once got stoned with Lynn Straight. Now those names and places may not mean shit to you, but what they mean to me is that I never stood in a fucking line to get into a place I wanted to be in, so I will sooner get fucked in the ass with a hot poker then stand in a fucking line for this bullshit.” Ever make two teenagers cry? It’s actually fun once you get over the initial shock and guilt.

Kim Kardashian is famous for what exactly? Well let’s not make that the rhetorical question it has always been and actually answer it. First, she is incredibly hot. There is no denying that. I mean just look at the pictures on here…as you can see none of them are of her brain. I knew that her father, Robert Kardashian was a famous LA lawyer who was OJ Simpson’s lawyer (He was not however, directly on the “Dream Team” that got him acquitted in 1995). She first showed up on my radar for making a sex tape. An awful sex tape that was obviously staged and meant to be “leaked.” If you’ve seen that video over 100 times (like I have), you get to know the dialogue, and her co-star, Ray J addresses “people watching this.” Hardly that actions of someone wanting to keep something private.

Second, she is in a breathtakingly awful reality show. A show which disturbed Bruce Jenner so profoundly he now wants to be a woman. I tried to sit through the show for the purposes of writing this article and within two minutes all I could think of was different ways of taking my own life. A show in which she was paid millions to wed Kris Humphries and broadcast it. A marriage that lasted 72 days, but everyone was paid. Bad as this show is, it has not only yet to be cancelled, but has produced various spinoffs from what I understand. Genius.

Third, one could argue that she is famous for banging pretty much every douchebag athlete with the exception of A-Rod, who I guess just wasn’t classy or black enough for her.

However, in the Pantheon of douchebags none stand taller and prouder than Kanye West. Kim Kardashian, with her history of gold digging and social climbing, has gotten West, someone who was made famous by singing a song about gold diggers, to actually believe that she is in love with him. Right…because nothing screams "love and trust" like getting pregnant by a high profile boyfriend while you are still married.

She was on the cover of Vogue for no apparent reason. Certainly not due to her contributions to fashion. Something that a model who has spent years walking runways can only dream about. And yet, she still manages to pull it off. Sorry haters, you may think that her brains are in that gargantuan sized ass, but this chick is either a genius, or a complete idiot who can count cards in Vegas like Dustin Hoffman in "Rain Man." Either way, no matter how many lives this train wreck ends, everyone still seems to be watching. Genius.