The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2013

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – Just about anything and everything that has to do with the Affordable Care Act or Obamacare. There are so many angles to this that I really don’t know where to begin, and any attempt to put every single issue into some type of perspective may come off as unfocused unless I write in volumes, so I will broad stroke it (no pun intended)…

First of all, write this down…In ten years, no one will remember that one of the most progressive policies in United States history started off badly due to a website. Not the policy, not the president, a bad website. And when the obstructionists, tea baggers and overall black President haters come to terms with the fact that this is now the law of the land, passed by Congress and affirmed by the Supreme Court, I wonder if they will thank him for saving their lives, now that insurance companies can no longer deny a “tabbaka-chewin’, bacon fat-chuggin’, moonshine-drankin’” redneck asshole like you coverage.
What is most disturbing about this is how Republican assholes like Ted Cruz, who wasn’t even born in this country by the way, can become famous for dangerously obstructing government function. What country are we living in where Congressional Republicans are willing to shut the government down because of a policy that only benefits the overall population, a policy that brings the US out of the healthcare Stone Age as compared to other civilized countries, and a policy that was actually thought of by a Republican in 1996? Yes that’s right, Obamacare is actually Bob Dole’s idea. You would figure that Republicans would embrace it, but they are so terrified of the black President, so filled with ignorance and hate that they are willing to injure themselves rather than acknowledge that healthcare is something that should be available to all. I have to say that I think I found out the perfect way to describe Republicans…They say they love America but seem to hate Americans.

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – “Yes I have smoked crack cocaine. . . . Probably in one of my drunken stupors.”

             -  Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, at a news conference in November.

I usually save this section for American nit-wits like Kanye West, who really is the gift that keeps on giving when it comes to asshole quotes, but this shithead from our neighbors up north really is a special kind of stupid. I mean this is not the mayor of Bubblefuck, Manitoba. This is Toronto. Toronto, the 4^th largest city in North America, and this is who they elect? Even worse is that now that the City Council has pretty much stripped him of all his powers and refuses to deal with him, he still won’t resign! What balls! Meatballs and gravy of course, but balls none the less. I only wish that Chris Farley were still with us, I can see the Saturday Night Live sketch now…  

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “The Newsroom” I actually wanted to give this award to this show last year, but this year’s season was even better. As “The Sopranos” was a soap opera for men of all tastes, “The Newsroom” is a soap opera for news junkies, and I think it awesome. The writing by Aaron Sorkin is the most intelligent on television, not to mention that quick-wit response that I practice in my personal life is something that I looked forward to every Sunday evening this year. I mean, any line from any show this season could very well have been my “Quote of the Year” had it not been fiction. “What I have can’t be taught”…classic Sorkin (context omitted, watch the final episode).

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Speaker of the House John Boehner. What a complete obstructionist asshole. Look, even though he was not necessarily responsible for the 16 day government shut down that cost us billions, he obviously cannot keep the yahoos in his own party in line. A party that clearly turned against him for negotiating with the President of the United States, which, correct me if I’m wrong (and I am not) is part of his job.   

PERSON OF THE YEAR - If there is one thing I HATE is agreeing with any other publication but my own, and I hate it even more when another publication beats me to the punch. Truth is, TIME Magazine’s Person of the Year, is mine as well.

In 1979, Pope John Paul II revitalized the Catholic Church and during his tenure, he reminded us of what the Church’s main values were. It wasn’t about punishing sin or revering the church so much that you forgot everything else. That compassion for the poor was what Jesus would have done. John Paul II was adored and when he died in 2005, he was certainly a hard act to follow. No one knew that better than his predecessor, Pope Benedict XVI. In the history of Popes, he will actually be a forgettable one, except when discussing the Nazi backgrounds of Popes.

Then came Pope Francis. This guy is a rock star. A progressive Pope who actually has some compassion for humanity. He has not even been in office for a year and has already revitalized the church in a way that would have made John Paul II proud. Pope Francis has openly declared that all good people, can get into heaven. Pope Francis has decided not to waste money by travelling in a Pope mobile but to drive his own car. He fired an asshole Cardinal that had spent $50 million restoring his house. He has preached to the poor in the street and invited the homeless to his Vatican apartment. Remind you of anyone? How about that guy that conservatives love to invoke but do not even know, Jesus Christ. I really like this guy, and I don’t even believe in God.

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – Chris Christie, Governor of New Jersey. He seems to be the only Republican in the room with a brain, albeit a brain surrounded by bacon fat. Now since he has made no decision whether or not he will run for President in 2016, here is a preview of the future…

OVERUSED PHRASE OF THE YEAR – “Twerking” Please make this go away, and while you are at it, make these two douchebags go away too, they are taking up way too much of my article.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “American Hustle” I got the hype a bit late on this one, but it is a great movie. With such a good cast you figure someone’s talent is going to get wasted here, but they all get to develop their characters in an entertaining way.

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HERSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR – Amy Adams for “Her,” ”Man of Steel” and “American Hustle” Nice year you are having Big Red. Up until now, this award has always gone to a male actor.

COOLEST MOVIE WITH SOMEWHAT FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT THAT YOU STILL DIDN’T SEE BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE – “Blue Jasmine” I believe Cate Blanchett will get an Oscar nomination for her role in this movie, but Woody Allen really has to be one Hell of a director if he can get an actual good performance from Andrew “Dice” Clay. I’m serious, Andrew “Dice” Clay…

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Tales of Us”/Goldfrapp. Look, even Superman had Kryptonite, and for better or worse (mostly worse) I really like this band, primary because of Alison’s voice.  However, their releases after 2005’s “Supernature” have left a lot to be desired, and just when I thought I was out…they pull me back in. First of all, this record is not a return to the intelligent, high powered dance music this band became famous for on “Supernature”. It’s a more moody, dark, atmospheric record. You know, the type of music that white, suburban, Middle-American immigrants to Williamsburg pretend to like but don’t really know shit about.

Yes, I am aware that there was actually some pretty good, if not pop-chart climbing music that was released this year, and it was hard to pick just one, but I really liked this.  

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Super Collider”/Megadeth. With a band name like Megadeth, it’s hard to believe that something can come out of this band that does doesn’t involve generic, dark sounding minor chords and bloody destruction. But this song is really cool, it actually has a melody.

COOLEST SONG OF THE YEAR – “Suit and Tie”/ Justin Timberlake. Fuck you I liked it. So sue me.

COOLEST ACT OF THE YEAR – Ok this may surprise some of you…

Usually, in this youth obsessed culture we tend to prop up the next pre-teen who can sing and make them a star, even if they suck, and most of the times they do, like Justin Bieber or that Carly Rae whatever-the-fuck-her-name-is with that “Call Me Maybe” crap. This year however, I have to admit that although only 17, Lorde comes off as someone who actually has something to say, and I actually like hearing it. Is she the next Debbie Harry or Patti Smith? Fuck no. But given the mindless pop drivel that seems to be sprouting from teenagers we choose to make famous, this is quite a refreshing breather.

ONE HIT WONDER THAT I REALLY HOPE STAYS AWAY AFTER IT FINALLY GOES AWAY – “Blurred Lines”/Robin Thicke & Pharrell. Let’s try to ignore the major douchebag move that was suing Marvin Gaye’s estate as a pre-emptive strike, just the fact that such a stupid song that glorifies date rape was so celebrated is enough to make me forget how much I actually love music.

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The Alabama Crimson Tide (football). Think about this season for a minute. The Tide ended the year ranked third, and had it not been for one fluke final play against Auburn in the Iron Bowl they would be playing for the National Championship in 2014. A great season for anyone except Alabama. But in 2013 they impressed, winning their second national title in a row, and third in 4 years, in a trouncing of Notre Dame, not an easy feat unless you are without a doubt and by far the greatest team of the year. Now technically I know the championship is played in 2013 but counts as the 2012 National Championship, but that just drives me friggin’ nuts. Why can’t football, college and pro, just name their seasons with two years like the NBA does? Nick Saban isn’t going anywhere by the way, so put it back in your pants USC fans.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – It takes a great athlete to retire on his own terms. You either do it when you have little to nothing left in the tank and go out painfully while everyone pretends not to watch, like Michael Jordan with the Washington Wizards or Brett Favre with the Minnesota Vikings, or you go out still in your prime with nothing left to prove. Let me give you some numbers - 2.11 ERA, 1.05 WHIP, 44 saves in 51 opportunities. Now is that a closer you would want on your team this year? I would. These are the numbers from season 19 of Mariano Rivera’s career. How he never won a Cy Young Award and Dennis Eckersley has one is mind-boggling to me. I can go on forever about how he is without a doubt the greatest closer in the history of baseball, but you know that already. He is this year’s winner because of how he went out, at the very top, with nothing left to prove, not just being effective in his last year, but vital. Still the greatest at what he does.  Having said that…

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE and SHIT I HOPE TO NEVER SEE ON TV EVER AGAIN, WELL SORT OF… – Anderson “Spider” Silva. Yes I acknowledge UFC has become incredibly popular even if it is not as elegant or as combat effective as traditional martial arts. Want to see this as it should be, check out some Vale Tudo matches. One of the things I loved about Silva was that he came from a more traditional Brazilian Jiu Jitsu background, but was also an experienced Muay Thai fighter and boxer. He earned his ranks through study, not just showing up at some studio and learning a kick punch and takedown. He has been widely regarded as the best to ever do this, so why after that horrific leg breakage in his last fight against Chris Weidman would you feel the need to continue?  

BIGOTED ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – Usually this section is known as “racist of the Year” and would be reserved for assholes like Paula Dean, who for the record, I do not believe hates black people. If she did, she would be marketing her crappy cholesterol-filled, stroke-inducing, barnyard slop that she calls food to them regularly. Or the jury in Treyvon Martin case, who let a murderer go free so that he may continue to serve the community by getting involved in multiple domestic battery incidents.

Nope, this year this award goes to Phil Robertson of “Duck Dynasty” not just to for being a racist homophobe, but to his progressive network, A&E for caving into pressure by the Right wing yahoos of this country and reinstating him.
What is most disturbing about this incident really isn’t the incident itself, but the reaction to it on both sides, but mostly from his idiot supporters. First, the non-reaction from anyone in the administration. Come on Barack, it’s a slow world events month isn’t it? If you were so busy you’d be in Washington right now, instead of signing legislation from Hawaii. Say something about this. Then there is GLAAD whose spokesman said “I was shocked by the comments.” Shocked? Really? Have you seen Phil Robertson? Does this extra from the movie “Deliverance” look like someone who has a progressive attitude towards anything? Now admittedly, I’ve never watched this show, but even at first glance I think it’s safe to say that Mr. Robertson certainly doesn’t look like he is ready to enthusiastically attend a Jay-Z concert.
Then there is Bobby Jindal, Governor of Louisiana, who defended the caving in and re-instatement of Robertson by saying, and I quote, “This proves that the Left does not have a monopoly on the 1^st Amendment and free speech.” I would love to ask him how the Left has used the 1^st Amendment more than the Right. Has the Left ever used it to justify the bigoted hate speech that Robertson is spewing? Is this really how you want this Amendment to be used? And since this whole incident, I have yet to hear anyone from the Left saying that the government should silence Robertson. I would hope that someone who is a Governor of a state would have at the very least, a minimal understanding of Constitutional law and realize that A&E, a privately owned company, is who suspended Robertson, not the federal government. And just as Mr. Robertson has the right to express his views, a privately owned company can decide to suspend an employee for expression that they feel is detrimental to the company. Having said that, A&E caving in to pressure to protect bigoted speech is sad.
Which brings me to another supporter who I saw on CNN and whose name I cannot remember said Robertson was unfairly suspended for merely “speaking Jesus’ truth.” Really? I have always been amazed by overly religious people who have yet to read the Bible. I for one, have read the Bible from cover to cover (which is why I am an Atheist). I have read all four Gospels (gospels, by the way, are the stories that claim to document Jesus’ life) thoroughly and I have yet to see anything in any of them where Jesus hates anyone or mentions sexuality, race, or gender as a criteria to get into Heaven. 
I really do not expect to ever change the mind of a close minded bigot, and yes, he does have the right to say what he wants, but we have the right to respond, ignore, and make obscure and irrelevant those we find objectionable, which is what should have been done in the first place.  

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – Every year has losses, but this year’s seem monumental. Many times we believe that a loss of great magnitude will leave us weaker or unable to move on, but we manage to. There was no greater loss however, than Nelson Mandela. He was to South Africa’s progress what George Washington was to the American Revolution. He was the heir to the nation’s conscience. Without him alive, even if as only a symbol as he was in his later years, no one is really sure what direction South Africa will take. Those of us who were alive to read about his struggle and still see his distinguished life first hand are better people for it. As so many sons and daughters of the American Revolution were. Hope you don't mind, but I have decided to remember him as a fighter.

 

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!