The GOP: Still Bitter That We Couldn't Get Laid In High School 2/24/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Ok at what point do Republicans say “OK maybe next time.” I, as well as other political commentators have repeatedly made fun of the GOP candidates with little comedic exaggeration necessary, which makes them all the more frightening. At this point, if you have the intelligence of a sloth you know that there is not one GOP candidate who is not either out of touch, or just completely batshit. Even Republicans know this, and to watch moderate Republicans try and defend these candidates publicly is getting embarrassing even for them.

How is it that the attacks on Barack Obama went from the economy (which is getting a lot better) to contraception? Seriously, this is the big issue? A woman’s right- not to an abortion or to gynecological health care, but her right to decide when she wants to get pregnant? This is what they feel needs to be legislated? I’m shocked that the party who is so opposed to government intervention and so in favor of getting the government out of people’s private lives now wants to invade the most personal, private decision of all. And given the positions taken by these candidates I think any woman who votes for the GOP is insulting every woman who fought for their right to do so.

This issue is not without its rewards though…I have been inspired to actually come up with a new slogan for the Republican candidates: “The GOP: Obviously still bitter that we couldn’t get laid in high school.”

SPORTS

Usually this would be the Jeremy Lin section of the blog, but I wanna start with the Ryan Braun story. I wanted to stay away from it until the final ruling, and it looks like Braun has done the impossible: He has actually beaten the MLB drug testing policy. In a press conference today, the National League MVP spoke about how an independent arbitrator ruled that he was innocent of the doping charges that would have suspended him for the first 50 games of the season. In short, his sample was tainted because it was not immediately shipped to the lab and sat for two days. What surprises me is how Major League Baseball, in typical Republican fashion, instead of admitting it made a mistake decided to double down on stupid by saying that just because the sample sat for two days doesn’t mean that the positive result could not have been from drugs.

Uhh guys, there is a reason that YOU stipulated in the last collective bargaining agreement that samples be frozen and immediately shipped to a lab, it is because temperature can effect a urine sample, depending on what you are using it for, and if you are going to use said sample as evidence, then a chain of custody of said evidence must be established. I learned this my first month of law school, it’s not that difficult a concept.

To continue to deny Braun enjoyment of his MVP award and to question his integrity instead of that of the test and the sample makes you look like the out of touch idiots who decided to call a tie in an All Star game.

For those “Law & Order” fans who think that everyone can sue for anything, let’s slow down for a second. Libel and Slander have certain criteria that unfortunately have not been met in this case. Yes MLB acted like assholes, but that does not necessarily make them civilly liable for damages; Damages which at this point probably amount to not being invited to cut the ribbon at the annual Bear County Tractor Pull. Unless he can prove actual damages, he is out of gas. ESPN is also not guilty of anything either, given that they didn’t report any falsehoods. They never said Braun was a dirty player or that he cheated, just that he tested positive, which he did. That the test itself was flawed is another matter. They did report that too by the way.

As for my new man-crush Jeremy Lin, Knicks fans, let’s not panic. In 10 starts, his game against Miami just happened to be his worst. That doesn’t mean doom for New York, just one bad game against a really good team. And let’s not blame this all on him, this guy went from reading cartoons on the far side of the bench to starting and playing major minutes, he is a bit tired.

Baron Davis went 0 for 7 and no one is calling out his demise right? Let’s keep Lin-ing and let the kid grow before he turns into Rod Strickland or Mark Jackson, great point guards lost by the Knicks because they were not given time to grow.

I really am looking forward to Lin participating in NBA All Star weekend, and at the half way point of this shortened season, I really think the Knicks are gonna be a tough out in the playoffs.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Super PACs. Looks like every GOP candidate has a sugar daddy that will buy them the election, thanks to the Supreme Court.

But one positive note, just in case you need another reason to worship Bill Maher, he just donated $1 million to Barack Obama’s Super PAC. Hey, don’t get mad at Obama for playing the game that the conservative Supreme Court said he could play.   

Duh...LIN-ning! 9/16/12

Of course it is time to discuss all things Jeremy Lin…how could it not be?

Just when you thought the New York Giants winning the Super Bowl would linger all throughout another dismal sports winter in New York, the biggest sports story in the country is the Knicks starting point guard, who two weeks ago was the 12^th guy off the bench and sleeping on his brother’s couch. Well those days are behind him, I’d say. In just two weeks he has gone from that humble existence to getting his contract guaranteed for the rest of the year, being the first Asian-American to start an NBA game, breaking the all-time scoring record for first 5 games started, (a list that includes Allen Iverson, Michael Jordan, Dominique Wilkins and Shaqille O’Neal), guiding his team to a 7 game winning streak without their star player, becoming the NBA player of the week, selling out both his licensed AND counterfeit merchandise in only ten days, and, most importantly, staying at Trump Tower. I know I’ve never had a week like that.

Seriously, when was the last time anyone ever gave a shit about the New York Knicks? Wasn’t there a small screen on the corner showing the LAPD chasing a suicidal OJ Simpson down a highway?

Needless to say, the Jeremy Lin story has captivated so many people because he is playing in the greatest city in the world, you can’t possibly buy that publicity. And yes it was only a matter of time before someone brought up his race, so thank you “Asshole of the Week” Floyd Mayweather.

But there is much more to this kid than just his race. I love the fact that he went to Harvard, and let’s not forget, the last time an Ivy League player started for the Knicks they won two championships (That’s Princeton alum and NBA Hall of Famer Bill Bradley in case you are a recent jumper on the Knicks bandwagon and didn’t know). I love the fact that he is an NBA player who actually went to class when he was in college, not some “one and done” kid who is an illiterate millionaire because he has been pushed along and exploited by the hangers on around him. He gives great interviews, he is articulate and maybe not Charles Barkley quotable yet, but he can be.

Given how they have played since he has been starting and all the hype surrounding him, Lin has pretty much saved Mike D’Antoni’s job. And one more thing, Knicks fans need to calm down about Carmelo Anthony coming back and possibly hurting the chemistry this team has developed. Carmelo is not and has never been the personality cancer that Kobe Bryant is, and I have it from a good source that it was actually Carmelo who campaigned for Lin to get more playing time, driving D’Antoni nuts until he finally agreed. Seriously, only Knick fans can think that having one of the best players in the NBA back on your team would actually be a detriment.

As far as adding him to the pool of NBA rising stars selected to play in the rookie-sophmore challenge during NBA All-Star weekend, one question…is there a bigger rising star in the NBA right now? If you know who last year’s number 1 NBA Draft pick was raise your hand…still waiting…yeah, I didn’t think so. (Hint: He is playing in Cleveland, yeah they still have a team. Kyrie Irving)

And here is one more reason to go LIN-sane. Right now the greedy assholes at MSG Network are engaged in a feud over money with the even greedier ass-rapists at Time Warner Cable. This could not come at a worse time for Knicks fans who have TWC and cannot get MSG. MSG stock prices have risen dramatically, as have Knicks ticket prices on Stub Hub. 

And to think, all because the Knicks signed a fat, injured Baron Davis and a fragile Tony Douglas, who will be gone so fast when he gets healthy that his ass won’t even be able to say good bye to his shorts. Last year I remember writing that the additions the Knicks made would make them interesting to watch. Now, they have not only become fun to watch as well, but they can actually win.

“You don’t understand…Isiah Thomas took my childhood, now I finally have hope.”

                                                                                                     - Anonymous Knicks fan

And on a sad note, RIP to MLB Hall of Famer Gary Carter. He was always quotable, and was the backbone of that talented, insane, and incredibly entertaining 1986 New York Mets team that won it all.

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

Floyd Mayweather, I know you have a bad history with Asians, considering you have been shamelessly ducking Manny Paquiao. By the way, offering Paquiao peanuts to fight you then calling him a coward when he refuses such a bad deal, is pathetic for even you, and an insult to boxing and its fans. If you are that confident you can beat him, why all the terms? He has pretty much done everything you asked for and is willing to take any drug tests on your terms and now you wanna take his money too?

No one will ever call you the greatest fighter in the world just because you are undefeated. Sugar Ray Robinson has 19 losses, 6 draws, and is still considered the greatest pound for pound fighter of all time. Muhammad Ali has 5 losses and Rocky Marciano is undefeated, no one with a brain thinks Marciano was better than Ali. Anyway getting back to your stupid comment that Jeremy Lin; if you really think he is only getting props because he is Asian, why don’t you check a record book first and maybe you will realize that he has actually outdone every NBA player in his first 5 games, regardless of race.   

Even Spike Lee, who loves to make everything about race, told Maywether to step off about Lin, so what does that tell you?

God Hates Fags, Birth Control and Consenting Adults 2/9/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I just noticed something. Organized religions, the same winners whose ignorance, hypocrisy, anti-intellectualism, greed and conflicts within themselves and against each other have killed millions, all seem to agree on one thing…God Hates Fags!  And he hates them in California even more. This Prop 8 is going to be one interesting legal battle, one that may very well go to the US Supreme Court. I really want to see how the higher courts can possibly justify telling two consenting adults who they can and cannot marry.

Who would have thought the Rick Santorum would be this month’s flavor of the month in the GOP Primary? After winning 3 states in a sweep of Tuesday’s contests, he reminded robot Mitt Romney and megalomaniac Newt Gingrich that he is here to stay. After Gingrich suggested that he drop out, Santorum responded by calling him “arrogant” for suggesting it and has proven that he is a viable candidate after winning in Minnesota Missouri and Colorado. I really am enjoying watching these assholes race to be the one to lose to Obama in 2012.

SPORTS

As I correctly predicted last week, the New York Giants have won their 4^th Super Bowl. What was shocking to me isn’t that the Giants won, but that Tom Brady’s wife Gisele was both a supermodel and an NFL analyst. She was caught on tape pretty much berating Brady’s team mates for dropping some key passes that cost them the game. Someone should remind her that a game should never be won or lost on one play. Now, let’s not be so short-sighted on this, sure she is a fan of her husband and has the right to say what she wants, but she is no ordinary fan, she is Tom Brady’s wife, and has to be careful about cameras recording everything she says.

Remember, her husband has to work with these guys next season, she doesn’t. Look, I don’t seek out Gisele Bundchen for my football analysis anymore than I seek out Coach Mike Ditka when I want to see a hot body in underwear, so let’s everyone get back to their assigned seats before the Universe starts to melt.

The New England Patriots didn’t lose the game, The New York Giants won the game. The Giants were the better team, deal with it.

And then there is the question of who is the ELIte quarterback now? Look I don’t know if Eli Manning’s entire career is Hall of Fame worthy just yet, but let’s at least let him get up off the kiddie table. He has two Super Bowl rings, and two Super Bowl MVPs in 4 seasons, he has engineered more 4^th quarter comebacks this season than anyone and took a 9-7 team to a Championship win. His critics are pointing out his ONE disappointing season in 2008-2009 where he threw a lot of interceptions, as somehow a bar to the Hall. By that logic, Troy Aikman should be judged solely by his 1-15 season with the Cowboys before he lead them to 3 Super Bowl wins. Will he be a four time MVP like his big brother Payton? Probably not, but who the hell will be? He is a great quarterback, let’s let him have a career before we decide to put it in perspective.

  

Hey Knick fans, that Asian kid who graduated from Harvard isn’t here to teach Astronomy, he can actually play. I can’t believe those assholes at MSG Network and Time Warner Cable are preventing Knick fans from seeing someone who really is worth rooting for, Jeremy Lin. In three games he has scored over 20 points and has led the team to three victories. He only got to play due to injuries, so no one expected too much from him, but this kid has one thing you can’t measure - heart. On a team with over paid players who won’t defend, Jeremy Lin has lit a fire under these guys and has been a joy to watch in an otherwise disappointing season for the Knicks.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

And speaking of NBA Disappointments, Kris Humphries…get it together dude. For some inexplicable reason, Humphries is getting booed every time he touches the ball. Why? What did he do? If anything he was a pawn in all this reality TV crap force fed on us by that hag Kris Kardashian pimping out her family. He can take the high road and keep his divorce quiet, separating himself from these talent-less, fame obsessed nitwits. Unlike his ex-wife, Humphries can actually do something…he can rebound! Kim Kardashian can’t rebound, unless we are talking about her ability to move on to the next relationship with a famous athlete. So Humph…do us all a favor, DO NOT put your divorce on reality TV. Dude, be a man, be better than the people who suckered you into putting your life on TV to begin with.  

Let's Stay Together 2/2/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

After his big win in Florida, it looks like Mitt Romney will be the GOP presidential nominee; which is all the more reason to vote for Barack Obama. Even after you compare policy, past record and politics, make one more comparison. Youtube Obama doing Al Green’s “Let’s Stay Together,” then do the same for Romney butchering “America the Beautiful,” a song which he didn’t even know the title to, by the way. All I kept thinking while I was watching Romney was “Could he be any whiter?” Look, it’s not even about singing, but it is a historical fact that Americans just prefer a President that doesn’t look like a complete ass when he tries to do something other than politics.

Think about it, why did we love JFK? He knew how to bang hot chicks and keep it quiet, but he was also a great sailor, author and all around athlete even while he was president and had Addison’s disease. Contrast that with Gerald Ford, who even though he was a great college football player, will mostly be remembered for tripping and falling down on camera. Why did Michael Dukakis lose in 1988? Remember that stupid picture of him in the tank? Contrast that to Bill Clinton who won the election the minute he played the saxophone on the Arsenio Hall show.

You see Obama and you see a guy who is just cool. Romney comes off as an out of touch rich white guy singing a 100 year old song no one knows.

SPORTS

At 9-7 The New York Giants were no doubt one of the weakest teams on paper to make the playoffs. When a team that has been noted historically for its defense was ranked 23^rd this year, you wonder how they even made it in the first place. Let me tell you why the Giants beat the much favored Green Bay Packers; Momentum. The Giants are the greatest momentum team in the NFL, and they hit their stride at the best time, when it mattered.

Now this unlikely team has somehow managed to make it to the Super Bowl. Will they win? Yes, and here’s why. Both teams have weak defenses this year, but, the Giants still have individual superstars on defense and they will step up now that they are all healthy. New England

doesn’t have that the way the Giants do. In short the Giants great defensive players are better than the Patriots’ great defensive players.

The Patriots have the advantage as far as tight ends, whether Gronkowski plays or not. The Giants have the advantage at both receiver and running back. Victor Cruz is on a roll and will not be nervous in the big game, and I have no idea who the fuck catches long 3rd down passes for New England…oh wait…I have just been informed of a Chad Ochocinco sighting!

Ahh yes, and then there is the Quarterback position. Eli Manning was asked at the beginning of the season if he thought he was an “Elite” quarterback, to which he responded “yes.” Ok and just what the fuck were you expecting him to say? Was he supposed to be falsely humble? He is supposed to answer unfair questions with confidence, and I’m glad he did. Considering that he is one of only six active quarterbacks to win a Super Bowl and one of only three to appear in more than one, I would say that elevates his status.

Yes Tom Brady is Tom Brady, but he is beatable. And remember, those three Super Bowls were won by about 9 points combined, and they last won 8 years ago, so let’s not over rate the already over rated.

I think it’s going to be a great game, but no one plays on a streak better than the Giants.

PEOPLE WHO DROPPED DEAD

RIP to a true musical pioneer, Don Cornelius. Don wasn’t a musician, but he did start the only dance program on television to feature predominantly black music and black dancers. Kinda like “American Bandstand” but without the county music and subliminal racism. So why is everyone calling Don Cornelius a pioneer? When the great James Brown first appeared on the show, one of the first questions he asked was “Brother Don, who else is with you on this?” What this meant was “who is the white guy actually backing you?” The truth is Cornelius owned all the rights to his show, and wasn’t getting any help from anyone, white or otherwise. This was unheard of in the black community at the time. When Brown asked the same question again a few minutes later, Don politely replied, “No one is with me James, it’s just me.” Even after the third time he asked, the answer was still the same.

It was sad to hear that Don apparently died of a self inflicted gun shot wound. I guess you can only hear the garbage that is pop music today for so long before you finally snap and inflict a gunshot wound on yourself.

And in other dead folk news, When a young Cassius Clay fought Sonny Liston for the championship, Liston, unable to beat the better younger fighter, put a foreign substance on his gloves that got into Clay’s eyes and temporarily blinded him. When Ali wanted to quit, it was his level-headed trainer who said not to worry, the blindness was only temporary, now get back out there. When Clay asked what he should do, his trainer just said “Run!” The rest is history as Muhammad Ali went on to have one of the greatest careers in boxing history, not to mention become the most recognizable athlete of our generation.

That trainer would be with Ali for every one of his fights, and also train champions like Sugar Ray Leonard, and George Foreman. His name was Angelo Dundee. Rest in Peace.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I have no idea who the fuck Nicki Minaj is, and I’m glad I don’t. My friend Chris turned me on to this garbage with the disclaimer that he believes the world will now come to an end.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=T6j4f8cHBIM