Way Too Messed Up Not To Be True 1/19/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Is there any more delightful chaotic mess than the Republican Party right now? I picture one of those all-star cast disaster movies of the 1970’s. The first Steve McQueen worthy disaster is Iowa. After spending months and millions of dollars courting Iowa voters, after making that same empty promise to corn farmers that they feel their pain, the GOP couldn’t even get the caucus right. As it turns out Rick Santorum won in Iowa and not Mitt Romney, it just took a while to actually count the votes. Now, we all know that the GOP is hostile towards anything intellectual, but how do you fuck up counting? 1, 2, 3 then 4, right? Now you may see Republicans dismissing this as a minor mistake, but I assure you it is not. Iowa has decided the fate of many Presidential hopefuls, as it is the first state to vote, and whoever wins it, or in this case, appears to win it, gains an incredible amount of momentum. Believe me, the GOP has not been this embarrassed since Karl Rove ended up on YouTube trying to rap.

Today also saw the end of Rick Perry’s campaign, and his subsequent endorsement of Newt Gingrich, a man who is obviously a lot more liberal than he lets on. In an interview to be released this week, Newt’s ex-wife revealed that Newt wanted an “open marriage.” What a hippie! Seriously am I the only one totally grossed out at the fact that there are women out there that find Newt so irresistible that he feels the need to ask for an open marriage?

I predict the winner in South Carolina to be Stephen Colbert.

SPORTS

I’m usually talking about football this time of year, but I really have to address some moves the Yankees made earlier this week. Trading hitting for pitching is usually a safe bet, but I really liked Jesus Montero, so much so I even wrote about him when he was in the minors. There is no question that the Yankees need starting pitching, the question is whether or not Michael Pineda is the answer. Yes he had a losing record and a bit of a high ERA, but the guy is about 6’ 6” tall, only 23 years old, has good stuff and played for a team with limited offense. Let me give you an image…picture the Yankees hitting for this guy about 50% less than they did for AJ Burnett last year and Pineda actually not tanking it? Pretty cool huh? And given his height along with CC Sabathia’s, I think they could give the Knicks a hand in the front court should things get rough.

As for football, I was stunned by the New York Giants beating the Green Bay Packers. I really thought that the Packers were going to the Super Bowl the way they seemed to roll over teams this year. The Giants when they are on a streak are a tough out, and now their streak just happens to be at the right time, during the playoffs.

Yes I did say that Peyton Manning should retire, but since when does Rob Lowe have insight that we don’t? Shouldn’t he be videotaping himself with some under-aged chicks?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US  

Uhh…have we really become the country that offers sex for Chicken McNuggets? In the “this is way too fucked not to be true” category, a woman in LA stood outside her local Mickey D’s drive-thru and told a number of male customers that she would blow them if they bought her an order of Chicken McNuggets, the 20 piece of course, what do you think she is, cheap? Unfortunately for Khadijah Baseer, she did not succeed in her bartering venture, but did manage a misdemeanor solicitation charge. Man, talk about “What You Crave.” Oh wait…that’s White Castle right?

And Then There Were...How Many? 1/6/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Sorry I’m late but I am mourning the loss of Michelle Bachmann, who has dropped out of the Republican Primary. I had at least six more months of moron jokes directed at this brain tumor, not to mention the ones she writes herself every time she opens her mouth. I, as all satirists, will miss her greatly. I’m serious, this really is a huge loss, kinda like when Luca Brasi was killed in “The Godfather.” Yeah that’s it; Michelle Bachmann is the "Luca Brasi" of morons.

One other thing that caught my eye this week was the nearly half trillion dollar cut to the defense budget. Leon Panetta made the indirect announcement that the strategy of having a military so big as to be able to fight two wars at the same time is no longer the policy of the United States. Sounds dangerous until you realize that we will still be spending more on defense than the next 16 countries combined, and we are light years ahead of any nation in the world in so far as military technology goes.  

And how about that Rick Santorum huh? Coming out of nowhere to take second in Iowa. He is a bit of a moderate actually, so it was odd to see a measured decision coming from yahoos. And to further stir the pot, I had no idea I was so popular in Boston, especially since I’m a Yankee fan. After winning the JB Random Report Politician of the Year for 2011, it looks like The Boston Globe has endorsed Jon Huntsman in the Republican Primary. Well I agree he certainly is the best candidate running on their side, at least he is sane, which was a luxury until Cain and Bachmann dropped out. Ron Paul is still a maniac, but the crazy certainly seems to be taking a backseat now that the election is actually getting closer.

SPORTS

The New York sports media are so adorable aren't they? So last week I was so into the JB Random Report End of the Year Awards that I didn’t address the really delusional headline that somehow Payton Manning would end up on the New York Jets and Mark Sanchez would just gracefully hand over the starting role and be a back-up. In a related story, Keith Richards called me last weekend and asked me to replace Ron Wood on the next Rolling Stones tour, Ronnie just isn’t pulling his weight anymore.

Seriously why are these people so insane? Peyton Manning will either retire, with the Indianapolis Colts, which is probably what he should do after three neck surgeries, he will play for the Indianapolis Colts with Andrew Luck breathing down his neck, or he will play for another team, not the New York Jets. Jet fans, don’t let the evil media do this to you. Now I know why Sarah Palin is so scared of newspapers.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

 At this point can you call the INS anything but incompetent? Apparently they are so desperate to deport anyone they can that they even deported a teenage runaway to Colombia without investigating to see whether or not she was actually American. Jakadrien Turner ran away from home a year ago, and somehow conned the geniuses at INS into believing that she was a Colombian national here illegally. She is back home and needless to say, her family has questioned why U.S. officials didn't do more to verify her identity. US immigration officials insist they followed procedure and found nothing to indicate that the girl wasn't — as she claimed — a woman from Colombia illegally living in the US. Really? How about asking her to speak Spanish? Or asking her what the capital of Colombia is?