I Think The End is Near 8/25/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

After a relaxing few days at an undisclosed location, I decided to come back and continue my full court observation of the world. It has been an odd week not only for me, but for New York City as well. I have a question...what is the proper etiquette for a chick who is standing uncomfortably close behind you staring at your laundry as you are putting it in the dryer? What would be the proper response to tell her to fuck off and that she is being creepy? Should I have just used those words? I felt so violated!

Then there was a friggin’ earthquake in New York City. Really? I thought we were immune from that? Aren’t these natural disasters regulated to bins of perversion and sin such as Los Angeles and San Francisco? I always thought it was God’s way of telling California to secede from the Union. It totally woke me up from my daily office nap. I found the most entertaining thing that happened was NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s press conference where he reassured our fair city…in Spanish. He sounded like a drunken sailor in Tijuana asking where the next bar was.

Then all my friends from California were laughing at me saying how New Yorkers were overreacting to what was basically a minor event. OK well maybe we are just not used to this. Imagine how upside down your world would be if celebrities didn’t get away with murder, you had no more Kardashian skanks to watch on reality TV, or your state elected a governor that actually wasn’t a complete douchebag.

I was even more surprised that the GOP didn’t blame the earthquake on Obama’s vacation. And why don’t they name earthquakes like they do hurricanes? And speaking of hurricanes, looks like we are getting one here on the East coast in a few days. Maybe that one is Obama’s fault.

Someone once quoted a Chinese proverb to me that said “May you live in interesting times.” I think I am. I think we are. The Arab Spring has seen its most violent revolution in Libya. After 42 years in power, Colonel and complete maniac Mommar Quadaffi has been ousted, even though the voices in his head have yet to inform him. The fact that such an unstable man was running a nation is indicative of how far the Middle East still has to go in the way of social modernization. It was nice to see President Barack Obama handle this situation with an even handed, intelligent response. A response so smooth he didn’t even have to interrupt his vacation, something that the draft dodging, deferment-happy war hawks in the Bush administration would know nothing about. Did you see that excerpt from asshole Dick Cheney’s memoir that actually suggested we bomb Syria in 2007?

Instead of putting American lives at risk by invading Libya and further alienating yet another Middle Eastern country’s population, he had us wisely “lead from behind” by providing air support and intelligence. He laid out a clear plan to help the Libyan rebels without adding troops on the ground and over extending our already exhausted military. Imagine that, a quiet, successful intervention that protected American interests, didn’t cause any more countries in the region to hate us anymore than they already do, and all for the price of a single day’s presence in Iraq. Fiscal responsibility at its finest I’d say. Where is the GOP support for their president? Isn’t cutting spending one of their big issues? Man they really are bitter at the fact that Obama is so much smarter than they are. 

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

It’s so reassuring to know that it’s not just Christians and Muslims who have narrow-minded religious fanatics who go public. Looks like Jews have this guy…

A New York rabbi claims gay marriage and the earthquake that shook the East Coast are directly connected. Really.

In a video uploaded to YouTube, Rabbi Yehuda Levin says gay rights legislation, like the gay marriage law passed in New York, are responsible for earthquakes, like the one that struck Washington, D.C. Tuesday. If that’s the case, then why not punish the legislators and not the gays? I’m sure even gays would agree to that.

“The Talmud states, 'You have shaken your male member in a place where it doesn't belong. I too, will shake the Earth,'” Levin says. He also notes that he does not dislike gay people. "We don't hate homosexuals," he says. "I feel bad for homosexuals. It's a revolt against God and literally, there's hell to pay." LMAO @ “shake your male member” OK sorry, back to the article…

Seriously, don’t you think that if God really wanted to punish gays who revolt against him he would not have done it with an earthquake that half the population didn’t even notice?