I Think The End is Near 8/25/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

After a relaxing few days at an undisclosed location, I decided to come back and continue my full court observation of the world. It has been an odd week not only for me, but for New York City as well. I have a question...what is the proper etiquette for a chick who is standing uncomfortably close behind you staring at your laundry as you are putting it in the dryer? What would be the proper response to tell her to fuck off and that she is being creepy? Should I have just used those words? I felt so violated!

Then there was a friggin’ earthquake in New York City. Really? I thought we were immune from that? Aren’t these natural disasters regulated to bins of perversion and sin such as Los Angeles and San Francisco? I always thought it was God’s way of telling California to secede from the Union. It totally woke me up from my daily office nap. I found the most entertaining thing that happened was NYC Mayor Michael Bloomberg’s press conference where he reassured our fair city…in Spanish. He sounded like a drunken sailor in Tijuana asking where the next bar was.

Then all my friends from California were laughing at me saying how New Yorkers were overreacting to what was basically a minor event. OK well maybe we are just not used to this. Imagine how upside down your world would be if celebrities didn’t get away with murder, you had no more Kardashian skanks to watch on reality TV, or your state elected a governor that actually wasn’t a complete douchebag.

I was even more surprised that the GOP didn’t blame the earthquake on Obama’s vacation. And why don’t they name earthquakes like they do hurricanes? And speaking of hurricanes, looks like we are getting one here on the East coast in a few days. Maybe that one is Obama’s fault.

Someone once quoted a Chinese proverb to me that said “May you live in interesting times.” I think I am. I think we are. The Arab Spring has seen its most violent revolution in Libya. After 42 years in power, Colonel and complete maniac Mommar Quadaffi has been ousted, even though the voices in his head have yet to inform him. The fact that such an unstable man was running a nation is indicative of how far the Middle East still has to go in the way of social modernization. It was nice to see President Barack Obama handle this situation with an even handed, intelligent response. A response so smooth he didn’t even have to interrupt his vacation, something that the draft dodging, deferment-happy war hawks in the Bush administration would know nothing about. Did you see that excerpt from asshole Dick Cheney’s memoir that actually suggested we bomb Syria in 2007?

Instead of putting American lives at risk by invading Libya and further alienating yet another Middle Eastern country’s population, he had us wisely “lead from behind” by providing air support and intelligence. He laid out a clear plan to help the Libyan rebels without adding troops on the ground and over extending our already exhausted military. Imagine that, a quiet, successful intervention that protected American interests, didn’t cause any more countries in the region to hate us anymore than they already do, and all for the price of a single day’s presence in Iraq. Fiscal responsibility at its finest I’d say. Where is the GOP support for their president? Isn’t cutting spending one of their big issues? Man they really are bitter at the fact that Obama is so much smarter than they are. 

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

It’s so reassuring to know that it’s not just Christians and Muslims who have narrow-minded religious fanatics who go public. Looks like Jews have this guy…

A New York rabbi claims gay marriage and the earthquake that shook the East Coast are directly connected. Really.

In a video uploaded to YouTube, Rabbi Yehuda Levin says gay rights legislation, like the gay marriage law passed in New York, are responsible for earthquakes, like the one that struck Washington, D.C. Tuesday. If that’s the case, then why not punish the legislators and not the gays? I’m sure even gays would agree to that.

“The Talmud states, 'You have shaken your male member in a place where it doesn't belong. I too, will shake the Earth,'” Levin says. He also notes that he does not dislike gay people. "We don't hate homosexuals," he says. "I feel bad for homosexuals. It's a revolt against God and literally, there's hell to pay." LMAO @ “shake your male member” OK sorry, back to the article…

Seriously, don’t you think that if God really wanted to punish gays who revolt against him he would not have done it with an earthquake that half the population didn’t even notice?

Finally, A Debt Ceiling Agreement We Can All Criticize 8/5/11

Whose brilliant fucking idea was it to remake "Conan the Barbarian?" Was there some outcry from the parent's basement dwelling comic book crowd I was unaware of? 

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Thank God the legislature finally came to an agreement on the debt ceiling that we can all criticize. For a minute there I thought things were gonna get ugly. There were those that were calling for the “Fail Safe” option of ending this crisis once and for all, and that would have been an executive order by way of the 14th Amendment to the Constitution. Section 4 of the 14th Amendment states: “The validity of the public debt of the United States, authorized by law, including debts incurred for payments of pensions and bounties for services in suppressing insurrection or rebellion, shall not be questioned.” Essentially, Democrats are arguing that since the "public debt" cannot be questioned, then the debt ceiling itself is unconstitutional. An odd place to be in legally, but the strategy would have been to invoke the clause then let the courts figure it out.

This was supposedly looked into by White House counsel, and President Obama for some reason was reluctant to do it. Maybe rightfully so, but maybe this would have been the only way to, as Sen. Chris Coons said “save us from ourselves.”

Needless to say, people who wanted to see our financial credibility collapse then blame the black president, people like Michele Bachmann had called this idea, and I quote, “unconstitutional.” Uhh…Michele, we already know that you are not that bright, have no real knowledge of American history and are incapable of checking facts, but you cannot call something unconstitutional if it’s actually in the Constitution. She went on to say in the same interview that this would give spending powers to the President that is reserved for congress.

President Obama, I’m not on your legal team, but maybe I should be. You should look to the streets a bit more for guys who are poor hungry and smart instead of Ivy league brats who just want your administration on their resume.

Here’s how you explain this: First, you tell Bachmann and all these other Teabaggers to invest in a dictionary so that they can establish that “spending” power is not being taken away here. “Paying” power however, is a different issue. Spending is when your kid goes to a store and looks at a shirt, or in this case, two stupid wars that have lead us nowhere, and tax breaks for the rich, and uses your credit card to take it out of the store. Now the decision on how to spend the money was made by congress right? Ok, but that still has to be paid for. How that debt is to be paid is completely open to interpretation, and the only clause in the Constitution as to the “how” and not the “what” is in the 14^th Amendment. Congress does not get its credit card taken away, it still decides what it wants to buy, but how it is to be paid for is something else entirely.

This agreement really pleases no one, but it’s nice to see that the Teabagger lunatics are not totally running the asylum just yet. Seriously, even Gabrielle Giffords got out of her rehabilitation to vote on the plan, and she has a bullet in her head.  

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY THE WORLD IS LAUGHING AT US

Did you hear about this exhibit in San Francisco of photographs and literature by Gertrude Stein? Apparently there was a lesbian couple strolling through the gallery holding hands and they were asked to leave because it was making other patrons “uncomfortable.” Really? In San Francisco? a town that elected the first openly gay politician in Harvey Milk over 30 years ago this is happening? At an exhibt celebrating the work of a lesbian? Look, for you physicists out there, let me put this in an equation…

 Gertrude Stein + San Francisco = Gay to the 10^th Power > Liberace in 1972

Seriously if I kicked every pair of women who are affectionate towards each other out of my house, there would be no one left to take turns giving me my morning bj.