Is Rupert Murdoch Listening To Your Voicemails? 7/21/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Sorry I’m late but I kept hearing a weird sound on my phone. Kinda like a 90 year old man breathing into an oxygen tank and taking about 60 medications a day. It took me a few hours to realize it was Rupert Murdoch attempting to listen to my voicemail. Usually British executives are good at falling on their swords to avoid a scandal, but these guys seem to be taking a page out of our executives here in the United States…no matter how bad the scandal gets, deny everything, even the obvious (Ted Haggard) hold someone else accountable (US Banks), play stupid (George W Bush), actually be stupid (George W Bush), and by all means accept any government handout you can (AIG, Lehman Bros.) so you don’t lose your yachts and immigrant housekeeper that you regularly have sex with (Former Governor of California).

However, one good thing about us is that once we subpoena you, we are no longer messing around. And it looks like the Justice department might drag that fossil Rupert Murdoch to Capitol Hill to testify about a growing concern that families of the victims of 9/11 had their phones hacked. 

Samuel L. Jackson + Afro Samurai = Cinematic Genuis

Is it true that Marc Anthony and JLo broke up? I’m shocked. It’s just so hard to fathom that someone so emotionally stable just couldn’t maintain a relationship. It’s nice to know that even though they are splitting up, they are still committed to poisoning the airwaves with their reality show. Why let something as trivial as a divorce ruin their celebrity? I mean it’s not like having a camera in your face while your parents are separating could be emotionally scarring your children for the rest of their natural lives or anything. I think the real reality show will be the inevitable JLo/Steven Tyler sex tape  

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A South Carolina couple claims to possess…wait for it…a Wal-Mart check-out receipt with the face of Jesus Christ on it.

Gentry Lee Sutherland and Jacob Simmons got their miracle mini-parchment upon paying for the development of 11 photos June 12 at a Wal-Mart store in Travelers Rest, S.C.

"There's tons of people who will say, 'Oh, we're in the Bible Belt,' but here's my question to the doubters, who else has the power to put their face on a check-out receipt but Jesus?"

OK, let me sum this up in a generality before my head explodes…A born-again Christian with three names from a Southern State saw Jesus in a Wal-Mart receipt. Do you now understand why it is that the rest of us make fun of you? You cannot expect a stereotype to be broken down when you keep living it right before our eyes. The only thing missing was a pick up truck and an indoor lawn chair.