Can Someone Hire a Day-Laborer To Plaster the Debt Ceiling? 7/28/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I thought that by now the whole debt ceiling issue would have been resolved. This is one of those rare times where both sides really are to blame. Let’s start with the Democrats, as I will now predict the future…Years from now, when Barack Obama’s ideas are presented by the next democratic candidate running for president who just happens to be white, they will be embraced by all as innovative, and just the fresh, progressive thinking that Washington has been lacking for so many years. Obama has known this would happen since the day he took office and does not want his legacy to be that of Nikola Tesla, the man with all the best ideas that no one would listen to. But now that we are facing the worst deterioration of our credit in nearly a century, maybe it’s time to forget your own personal agenda and come to a compromise.

For the record, I agree with President Obama, the Republicans want a temporary solution so that there can be another vote on this in a year just to undermine his re-election. Now he has made that, amongst other points, clear to the American people with his address to the nation on Monday. He gave a clear, well thought out explanation of the situation and urged the American people to tell Congress to make big corporations pay their fair share of taxes. Ok, so we all know what everyone’s stance is, but this has to get done, so let’s do it already because I don’t wanna be the guy screaming in my bathrobe while China comes with a tow truck to re-posses our country right in front of the neighbors.

As for Republicans well, of course you are going to be perceived as being the bad guys when you ask to cut Social Security and Medicaid, all things that rich people don’t need but the rest of us do. Of course you are the bad guy when you blame Obama for signing the government bail out of the banks when it was your idea to give them said breaks so that they can supposedly create jobs. Then you blame Obama for the fact that greedy banks acted greedy banks and created profits for themselves and no jobs. Corporations and banks are the very entities you support getting tax breaks, yet you have done a brilliant job of getting the poor and ignorant in rural America to vote against their own interests and supporting you against the “elite Washington establishment.”

How have you done this? By scaring the shit out of them of course! By constantly refusing to negotiate with Obama on anything, you have made yourself look like petty, petulant children to the rest of the world and anyone with a brain. But to a moron who can't spell his own protest sign, living in a trailer park with a confederate flag hanging off the side of a broken TV antenna, you look like rebels fighting against the government…Yeeeee Haaaa!!!

And while I’m at it…sorry Herman Cain, (In case you didn’t know, and judging by the polls, you don’t, he is the token black GOP candidate for president) but whether you accept it or not, Republicans have been playing the “fear” card greater than anyone could ever play the “race” card. For the last two years they have done everything they can to convince ordinary, middle Americans that the big black president is coming to take away their guns and bibles, and doing it so well, they have gotten them to vote against their own interest.

Why is it that the only lawmaker that has brought this up is Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-Texas)? Why is it that no one can see, or no one will mention, that Republicans, and Teabaggers in particular, are doing everything they can to undermine the black president so that we will never again elect another one? Look, the debt ceiling debate is not about race, but the fact that there has to even be a debate is. When George W Bush raised the debt ceiling 7 times in 8 years, no one said anything, and the democrats didn’t hold the country hostage, why are Teabaggers doing it now? Why did Obama need a filibuster-proof Congress to pass a health care bill that will save the lives of people who otherwise would not be covered? Even resident Republican fossil John McCain is calling you people “hobbits.”

The problem isn’t that Obama’s ideas are not great, the problem is that they are coming from a black man, and everyday he is in office undermines the old, white, greedy, liver-spotted establishment. He reminds them that they can no longer parasitically feed of the American public without at least being exposed for doing it. But what bothers me the most about this whole crisis is that I have to come to terms with the fact that I live in a country so backwards that it is willing to cut off its own head to cure a headache rather than let a black man give them an aspirin.  

And speaking of medications, Amy Winehouse dropped dead and an autopsy conducted this week could not reveal the actual cause of death. Damn…how high must you have been where not even an autopsy can determine which was the drug that finally killed you? Guess she should have taken heed when they tried to make her go to rehab but she said “nooo no no…”

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

At this point, Americans on both sides of the political fence are numb to sex scandals. I really don’t care if Rep. David Wu is a Democrat or Republican, I don’t even care whether or not he really did try to creepily proposition the 16 year old daughter of a campaign contributor. I am however, greatly concerned with this photograph. This is you isn’t it? You willingly posed for this, didn’t you? Yeah dude, it’s time to resign from Congress.

Is Rupert Murdoch Listening To Your Voicemails? 7/21/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Sorry I’m late but I kept hearing a weird sound on my phone. Kinda like a 90 year old man breathing into an oxygen tank and taking about 60 medications a day. It took me a few hours to realize it was Rupert Murdoch attempting to listen to my voicemail. Usually British executives are good at falling on their swords to avoid a scandal, but these guys seem to be taking a page out of our executives here in the United States…no matter how bad the scandal gets, deny everything, even the obvious (Ted Haggard) hold someone else accountable (US Banks), play stupid (George W Bush), actually be stupid (George W Bush), and by all means accept any government handout you can (AIG, Lehman Bros.) so you don’t lose your yachts and immigrant housekeeper that you regularly have sex with (Former Governor of California).

However, one good thing about us is that once we subpoena you, we are no longer messing around. And it looks like the Justice department might drag that fossil Rupert Murdoch to Capitol Hill to testify about a growing concern that families of the victims of 9/11 had their phones hacked. 

Samuel L. Jackson + Afro Samurai = Cinematic Genuis

Is it true that Marc Anthony and JLo broke up? I’m shocked. It’s just so hard to fathom that someone so emotionally stable just couldn’t maintain a relationship. It’s nice to know that even though they are splitting up, they are still committed to poisoning the airwaves with their reality show. Why let something as trivial as a divorce ruin their celebrity? I mean it’s not like having a camera in your face while your parents are separating could be emotionally scarring your children for the rest of their natural lives or anything. I think the real reality show will be the inevitable JLo/Steven Tyler sex tape  

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

A South Carolina couple claims to possess…wait for it…a Wal-Mart check-out receipt with the face of Jesus Christ on it.

Gentry Lee Sutherland and Jacob Simmons got their miracle mini-parchment upon paying for the development of 11 photos June 12 at a Wal-Mart store in Travelers Rest, S.C.

"There's tons of people who will say, 'Oh, we're in the Bible Belt,' but here's my question to the doubters, who else has the power to put their face on a check-out receipt but Jesus?"

OK, let me sum this up in a generality before my head explodes…A born-again Christian with three names from a Southern State saw Jesus in a Wal-Mart receipt. Do you now understand why it is that the rest of us make fun of you? You cannot expect a stereotype to be broken down when you keep living it right before our eyes. The only thing missing was a pick up truck and an indoor lawn chair.

I Have Once Again Been Diagnosed With World Cup Fever 7/13/11

I had a pretty awesome weekend, but not nearly as good as these folks…

I have said this before and I will say it again, not as a fan, but as an objective observer...Derek Jeter can break Pete Rose’s all time hits record of 4,256. Think about this, he has reached 3,000 in fewer years, in fewer games, and without nearly the wear and tear on his body that Pete Rose had endured. The only question is whether he will continue to play shortstop for 5 to 7 more years, which does seem unlikely. Those who know little to nothing about baseball calling for Jeter to bow out gracefully now just because they think it’s a clever thing to say are very quiet all of a sudden, which is how it should be. Considering that the man has raised his average from .256 to .270 in one weekend, I’d say there is a great deal of baseball left to be played. And remember this is Derek Jeter, he of the charmed life. The Yankee Captain. 5 World Series rings. 1996 Rookie of the Year. 2000 World Series MVP. The non-power hitter who got his 3,000^th hit by way of the homerun. Yeah, he’s Derek fucking Jeter; he can do what he wants.

Now having said that….

One of the things I’ve always liked about Derek Jeter was his uncanny ability to avoid controversy, a nearly impossible feat considering he plays in New York. If he were in the service he would be in a bomb disposal unit, and he’d come home without a scratch. Even the guy who caught his 3000 hit ball became a feel-good story as the guy just gave it back without asking for anything.

Which is why I’m surprised that he didn’t foresee how badly his skipping the All-Star Game would be perceived. Right now, Jeter is the face of baseball, a PED-free player who just got 3000 hits. He is not whining about a contract and his average is improving. Not to mention that he was voted in by the fans, and should have at the very least shown up to take a bow and at least one at bat.

To say that he is “physically and emotionally drained” is just stupid. Sorry Derek, but you are the captain of the greatest sports franchise in the World, you are 37 years old and make $17 million a year as you are inching past your prime, you are banging an incredibly hot chick and have supportive parents who are not “Cam Newton”-ing you by trying to cash in, so it’s kinda hard to feel sorry for you. This All-Star Break could have been about celebrating your achievement on a National stage, not just in New York; you uncharacteristically dropped the ball dude. 

Alex Rodriguez is doing the smart thing by getting his knee surgery now. I’d rather have him available for the playoffs this year then have him play through an injury that won’t get better and may cause permanent damage to a $252 million investment. 

I often have a dream where I am the only inmate in a maximum security prison, and the prison is staffed by the Women’s National Soccer Team of Brazil, and they do things to me. Bad things. They force me to service them in inhuman ways, and at all hours of the day and night too! Now that the US Women’s team has knocked them out of the World Cup with what has to be one of the greatest games in US Soccer history, not just in the women’s game, maybe they should call me.

It’s a shame that the women’s game doesn’t get the attention it deserves, given that they win more than the US Men’s National Team. And how they won against Brazil on Sunday was just amazing. After a ridiculous red card on USA which caused them to be down 1 player, then a stupid cheap yellow card on US Goalie Hope Solo(Solo is the Warden in my dream btw. OK so she is a US player, so what? It’s my dream I’ll choose who I want) which allowed Marta, Brazil’s best player, who is so good Brazilians are calling for her to be on the men’s team, kicked a penalty that equalized the game. Seriously how bad was the officiating in this game? The international fans were actually rooting for the United States!

After Brazil scored another goal, the US was pretty much done, but they never gave up. Not even in minute 122, the last play of the game, when they scored one of the most dramatic goals in the history of US soccer, women’s or men’s game, then won on penalty kicks. This was a Hollywood screenplay, not a soccer game. Look, whenever ignorant rubes addicted to mind numbing reality TV ask me why I watch sports, this is the answer. Moments like this will never be experienced on that “I’m 16 and Pregnant” bullshit. And I assure you, these players are considerably better role models than any of those Kardashian skanks.

Today’s game against France to get the US to the World Cup Finals was not particularly surprising, as the French did what they are good at, surrendering. Isn’t it only fitting that the USA beat France on German soil, the language those snail eating cowards would be speaking today if not for us? And in keeping with the World War II theme, looks like German soil will be hosting the greatest showdown between the US and Japan since we dropped the bomb. Start paying attention to the US Women’s soccer team, ok soccer posers? Or you will miss the boat like you did in 1999.

And to celebrate the NFL lockout almost being close to being just about almost over, I will now share my thoughts on football…

I just don’t like Dez Bryant, sorry.

First of all, who the Hell is he to be wearing #88? Shouldn't that number be retired considering that 3 time Super Bowl Champion Michael Irvin, the player who wore it before him, is in the Hall of Fame and Bryant is a nobody?

And I'm glad they hazed him twice as bad after the whole "I'm too good to carry pads" incident. Rookie.

And seriously how fucked in the head must you be when even Deion Sanders no longer wants to hang out with you? Yeah, Deion "Prime Time," "Neon Deion" Sanders, a man so obnoxious that he has two nicknames, thinks that you are too obnoxious...someone chemotherapy this cancer already.

Look Out California, Florida's Legal System is Gaining on You! 7/7/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Just when you thought that California was the only state where you could get away with murder…here comes Florida! I can’t say I followed the Casey Anthony trial closely, but given the defendant's bizarre behavior during the trial and the defense’s outrageous, unsubstantiated claims of sexual abuse, it seemed to me that the defense knew their client was guilty and were reaching for anything no matter how unbelievable. They certainly were not going to put someone that unstable on the stand, unless electricity could somehow be applied to the witness chair and save everyone some time.

Now this next part might hurt a bit…Legally, the jury was not totally wrong in making its decision. The case against Casey Anthony was for the most part, circumstantial. There was no hard evidence actually linking her to a murder. The forensic evidence only linked her to the victim, which is not a stretch considering it was her daughter. Had she been a stranger, she would have been found guilty. We try for our criminal justice system to be fair, objective, and balanced, but when you put a jury in charge, you cannot expect that 100% of the time, and certainly not in a high profile case, where opinions for the most part, are already established.

Now I won’t get into a long winded legal explanation about this, but superficially speaking, in order to get a conviction for murder (at least for the most part) you need one of three things, a confession, an eye-witness, or a murder weapon you can link to the defendant. This evidence has to be rock solid and above reproach to guarantee a conviction. However, being that the criminal justice system is open to subjective views no matter how hard we try for it not to be, sometimes verdicts can circumvent this. But in this case, even an actual cause of death was absent, so a conviction would have been difficult to say the least. Impossible? No, but difficult enough that an acquittal on the murder charge would not be beyond the realm of possibility. Sickening and outrageous as it may be, it is not legally implausible. As for her lying to police, there is no way that any judge would sentence her to anything other than time served, the woman has been in jail for three years; not releasing her soon would be unfair. I was actually surprised that her lawyers didn’t demand for her immediate release following the reading of the verdict, which leads me to believe that they were so in shock that their client got off that they totally forgot to ask.

But there was another famous case (in California, ironically enough) that was mostly circumstantial as well, Scott Peterson. He was found guilty of killing his pregnant wife with no more physical evidence than in this case. Now you can argue that the criminal justice system tends to be more sympathetic towards women defendants (I assure you it does) but that doesn’t mean that anyone should get away with murder.

Now for those of you who are upset that justice was not done, remember this. By acquitting her, the criminal justice system has, at least in Anthony’s own sick mind, justified her erratic behavior, pathological lying and her constant check stealing from family members, which means that she will keep doing it. Eventually she will get herself into a situation she can’t get out of; it’s only a matter of time.

SPORTS

Ahh…NOW we can talk about the first place Yankees!

The MLB All-Star Game always has its snubs, and it’s great for barroom debates and writers. Some are not always so obvious, but some are. In the case of CC Sabathia…damn! I mean come on, the guy is leading the American League in wins and his team is in first place... are you kidding? Look I know that scheduling might prevent him from pitching in the game, but at least name him to the team. And yeah I know that the game “means something” now (which is bullshit) with the winner getting home field advantage in the World Series, but you must strike a balance between winning the game and putting the most deserving players on the team.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Maybe not kill us, but at least put us on high alert. It looks like asshole Nidal Hasan (unlike the “lamestream” media, I will not refer to this piece of shit by rank) will face the death penalty in his court martial for a shooting rampage at Ft. Hood that killed 13 people and wounded more than 20 others. Give his lawyer credit, it’s not like he was surprised, which is why an evidentiary hearing lasted 2 weeks and called 56 witnesses to the stand.

Whether you are for or against capital punishment is not even the issue. Capital punishment is available in the Armed Forces for the highest of crimes, and attaining the privilege of being a United States Army officer then using that privilege to enter a medical building to shoot unarmed soldiers seeking medical attention certainly does qualify. My record of tolerance towards all speaks for itself in my writings, just look at my archives. But in this case, if the Army’s decision angers some Muslims or liberals, I really don’t give a shit. Just be vigilant.