The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2010

No matter how old I get, Christmas is the one thing I will never be an adult about. Hope yours was as good as mine.

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – “So you're telling me that the separation of church and state, the phrase `separation of church and state,' is in the First Amendment?" - Christine O'Donnell, Delaware Senatorial debate, Oct. 19.

Me picking this gem over “I’m not a witch” is kinda like me saying my favorite song on “Nevermind” by Nirvana was “Come as You Are” as opposed to “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” In both cases, the album track was better than the big hit. This idiot provided us with a lot of great quotes, but anyone can say they are not a witch for any reason. I like this quote better because of its significance, not just its utter and complete stupidity. Think about it, she said this during a debate; for a National office, a Nation whose Constitution she has obviously never comprehended, much less read. Her logic can be equated to someone who gets hit by a car explaining the accident by saying “The sign said ‘Stop’ but it never said where so I stopped in the middle of the street.” And now there is word that O’Donnell is under Federal investigation. No surprise considering she has no verifiable source of income, yet managed to collect a great deal of money to run for Senate. How was she ever let out of the asylum?

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Boardwalk Empire” Some of the historical inaccuracies can be overlooked by this really compelling storyline and attention to detail as far as the look of the era. I’m not saying that it is anywhere near what The Sopranos was, but it was enjoyable to watch.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – The mid term elections had to be the weirdest, hardest fought and divisive in the recent history of the United States. So much seething anger and underlying racism I thought I was back in the 1950’s during the Civil Rights movement. When Teabaggers were saying “I want my country back,” usually on a misspelled sign, I began to ask myself, “Well, who is holding it hostage now?” Last I checked everyone in office was a United States citizen. Except for the president of course, who is from that foreign land known as Hawaii. It’s really sad how old white people are so afraid of change that they are bitter about opposing even what is best for the country. You know what else? It’s a shame that Obama might be a one term president, but I am confident that given the bitter opposition he faced at every turn, history will recognize how difficult it was for him to get anything done, and will weigh his accomplishments accordingly.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – Usually this award is reserved for a fame hungry yenta who never got enough attention as a child and now wants to exploit her children. But like all things parenting related, we forget the contribution that fathers make. Just as pathetic as any Oprah-obsessed housefrau, fathers can also make significant contributions in the field of mental anguish and emotional damage to their children with their own selfish behavior. So this year, this award is divided equally between Cecil Newton, who’s selfishness and greed nearly cost his son his entire college football career, and the man who had a press conference to announce he will no longer be having press conferences, Michael Lohan. I don’t know the total level of crazy that Lindsay Lohan’s mom (that other pillar of stability) is running on these days, but with parents like these I’m not surprised that Lindsay is in no rush to get out of rehab.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non- Fiction) – “Just Kids”/ Patti Smith. Is there anything this woman can’t do? I loved the Keith Richards autobiography cuz I love Keith Richards, but this story was so much more moving.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) – Shit…I just realized I didn’t read fiction this year…sorry!

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – LeBron James? Tiger Woods? A lot of lists are giving this award to Kanye West, but at this point that would be stating the obvious. Where were you last year when I gave him the award? Frontrunners! This year I have decided to go with BP CEO Tony Hayward. Not just for using cheap and badly maintained equipment drilling for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, not just because a foreseeable accident was somehow unforeseeable to this chief executive of an oil company. But that he has the audacity to complain about how this incident has affected his life. Yeah, while millions of gallons of raw petroleum are destroying the livelihoods of millions of Gulf coast residents, we all sympathize when you say “I’d like my life back.” Fuck you.

POLITITIAN OF THE YEAR – Jimmy McMillan. Say it with me one last time for ole’ times sake…”Rent…is too damn high!”

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I” Sorry but I didn’t see a lot of movies this year and I really liked this one.

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR: Jeff Bridges for “True Grit” and “TRON: Legacy”

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – “The Tillman Story” Once again I can’t recommend this one enough.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “American Slang”/Gaslight Anthem

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Between The Lines”/Stone Temple Pilots

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Come Home”/ Chappo. Even though every Brooklyn band is beginning to sound the same, I like this song.

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR – Yeasayer

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – How could it not be the J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!? A team that has not been relevant since the Nixon administration? Or how about the New Orleans Saints? Well it’s only when you are surpassed by what really is the greatest sports story of the year that these teams wouldn’t make the cut. Say what you want, but the University of Connecticut Lady Huskies are the team that really captured the imagination of real sports fans, breaking the previous record of 88 straight wins held by the UCLA Bruins. Now you can argue all you want about how the level of competition was different and the two records required different talent levels in order to be broken, but you can’t blame that on the Huskies anymore than you can blame the 1996 Chicago Bulls for NBA expansion during their 72 win season.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – How could it not be Michael Vick? Sure Tom Brady is the NFL MVP in a landslide breaking away from Vick mid-season, but whose story is better? The guy who did real time in a real jail then slowly but surely resurrected his career by atoning for his sins, taking a back up role then rising up to starting and then winning, or the guy who gets to bang a super model? Of course I’d rather be the guy banging the supermodel, but Vick makes for a better story. I want to notably mention that Jimmie Johnson won his record setting 5th Sprint Cup Championship even though I really don’t follow NASCAR (probably cuz I don’t wear cowboy boots or have intercourse with my relatives). But a great achievement none the less.

OVER-RATED ATHLETE(S) OF THE YEAR – Even though I’m actually glad that the Yankees didn’t blow a ton of cash on Cliff Lee and his constant back problems (not to mention the fact that the “great post-season ace” refuses to start games 1,4 and 7 in a playoff series, and just goes 1 then 5) I still believe that he could have been worth it. Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco (I can’t believe I’m actually acknowledging that ridiculous last name) however, are another story. Even after their reality TV show, and all the hype they generated about playing together, both are having career low seasons and Owens is out altogether. Even the traditional Owens “Throw my Quarterback under the bus” act couldn’t keep this team from underachieving. Their head coach is on the hot seat and might not have a job next year, and 4-11 going into this week isn’t exactly lighting it up is it?

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – I don’t even know if you can still call him “beloved” considering Brett Favre is beginning to lose his lovability mojo by the minute. His team is in shambles as their now ex head coach Brad Childress, an asshole in his own right, was fired mid-season. Favre has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns, and every week it was a new daytime drama as to whether or not he would start that game and continue his streak of games started, or even play due to his various injuries, or just retire. Equally distracting were his off the field problems regarding some inappropriate text messages he was allegedly sending a female employee of the Jets. Issues that ultimately led to a $50,000 fine imposed by the NFL. It’s bad enough that Favre, who has done so much for the game of football, will leave the game after a horrible season riddled with injuries and off the field woes, but his lasting image (if you believe the inappropriate photos) will be that of a middle aged man masturbating on a bed in a lonely hotel room wearing plastic shoes.

RACIST OF THE YEAR – Mel Gibson for those classic voice mail messages. Dude, what were you thinking? Don’t you know that a skank with an agenda will tape everything you say?

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – In a year when so many interesting people dropped dead this year, it’s difficult to pick just one that stood above the rest. Lena Horne was an incredible artist, as was Dennis Hopper. Alex Chilton was one of my favorite musicians, JD Salinger one of my favorite authors. But I think this award goes to long time UCLA Bruins basketball head coach John Wooden. Don’t know why? Read the article about Wooden in the archive of this blog, June 5, 2010.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!