The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2010

No matter how old I get, Christmas is the one thing I will never be an adult about. Hope yours was as good as mine.

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – “So you're telling me that the separation of church and state, the phrase `separation of church and state,' is in the First Amendment?" - Christine O'Donnell, Delaware Senatorial debate, Oct. 19.

Me picking this gem over “I’m not a witch” is kinda like me saying my favorite song on “Nevermind” by Nirvana was “Come as You Are” as opposed to “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” In both cases, the album track was better than the big hit. This idiot provided us with a lot of great quotes, but anyone can say they are not a witch for any reason. I like this quote better because of its significance, not just its utter and complete stupidity. Think about it, she said this during a debate; for a National office, a Nation whose Constitution she has obviously never comprehended, much less read. Her logic can be equated to someone who gets hit by a car explaining the accident by saying “The sign said ‘Stop’ but it never said where so I stopped in the middle of the street.” And now there is word that O’Donnell is under Federal investigation. No surprise considering she has no verifiable source of income, yet managed to collect a great deal of money to run for Senate. How was she ever let out of the asylum?

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Boardwalk Empire” Some of the historical inaccuracies can be overlooked by this really compelling storyline and attention to detail as far as the look of the era. I’m not saying that it is anywhere near what The Sopranos was, but it was enjoyable to watch.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – The mid term elections had to be the weirdest, hardest fought and divisive in the recent history of the United States. So much seething anger and underlying racism I thought I was back in the 1950’s during the Civil Rights movement. When Teabaggers were saying “I want my country back,” usually on a misspelled sign, I began to ask myself, “Well, who is holding it hostage now?” Last I checked everyone in office was a United States citizen. Except for the president of course, who is from that foreign land known as Hawaii. It’s really sad how old white people are so afraid of change that they are bitter about opposing even what is best for the country. You know what else? It’s a shame that Obama might be a one term president, but I am confident that given the bitter opposition he faced at every turn, history will recognize how difficult it was for him to get anything done, and will weigh his accomplishments accordingly.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – Usually this award is reserved for a fame hungry yenta who never got enough attention as a child and now wants to exploit her children. But like all things parenting related, we forget the contribution that fathers make. Just as pathetic as any Oprah-obsessed housefrau, fathers can also make significant contributions in the field of mental anguish and emotional damage to their children with their own selfish behavior. So this year, this award is divided equally between Cecil Newton, who’s selfishness and greed nearly cost his son his entire college football career, and the man who had a press conference to announce he will no longer be having press conferences, Michael Lohan. I don’t know the total level of crazy that Lindsay Lohan’s mom (that other pillar of stability) is running on these days, but with parents like these I’m not surprised that Lindsay is in no rush to get out of rehab.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non- Fiction) – “Just Kids”/ Patti Smith. Is there anything this woman can’t do? I loved the Keith Richards autobiography cuz I love Keith Richards, but this story was so much more moving.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) – Shit…I just realized I didn’t read fiction this year…sorry!

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – LeBron James? Tiger Woods? A lot of lists are giving this award to Kanye West, but at this point that would be stating the obvious. Where were you last year when I gave him the award? Frontrunners! This year I have decided to go with BP CEO Tony Hayward. Not just for using cheap and badly maintained equipment drilling for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, not just because a foreseeable accident was somehow unforeseeable to this chief executive of an oil company. But that he has the audacity to complain about how this incident has affected his life. Yeah, while millions of gallons of raw petroleum are destroying the livelihoods of millions of Gulf coast residents, we all sympathize when you say “I’d like my life back.” Fuck you.

POLITITIAN OF THE YEAR – Jimmy McMillan. Say it with me one last time for ole’ times sake…”Rent…is too damn high!”

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I” Sorry but I didn’t see a lot of movies this year and I really liked this one.

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR: Jeff Bridges for “True Grit” and “TRON: Legacy”

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – “The Tillman Story” Once again I can’t recommend this one enough.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “American Slang”/Gaslight Anthem

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Between The Lines”/Stone Temple Pilots

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Come Home”/ Chappo. Even though every Brooklyn band is beginning to sound the same, I like this song.

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR – Yeasayer

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – How could it not be the J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!? A team that has not been relevant since the Nixon administration? Or how about the New Orleans Saints? Well it’s only when you are surpassed by what really is the greatest sports story of the year that these teams wouldn’t make the cut. Say what you want, but the University of Connecticut Lady Huskies are the team that really captured the imagination of real sports fans, breaking the previous record of 88 straight wins held by the UCLA Bruins. Now you can argue all you want about how the level of competition was different and the two records required different talent levels in order to be broken, but you can’t blame that on the Huskies anymore than you can blame the 1996 Chicago Bulls for NBA expansion during their 72 win season.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – How could it not be Michael Vick? Sure Tom Brady is the NFL MVP in a landslide breaking away from Vick mid-season, but whose story is better? The guy who did real time in a real jail then slowly but surely resurrected his career by atoning for his sins, taking a back up role then rising up to starting and then winning, or the guy who gets to bang a super model? Of course I’d rather be the guy banging the supermodel, but Vick makes for a better story. I want to notably mention that Jimmie Johnson won his record setting 5th Sprint Cup Championship even though I really don’t follow NASCAR (probably cuz I don’t wear cowboy boots or have intercourse with my relatives). But a great achievement none the less.

OVER-RATED ATHLETE(S) OF THE YEAR – Even though I’m actually glad that the Yankees didn’t blow a ton of cash on Cliff Lee and his constant back problems (not to mention the fact that the “great post-season ace” refuses to start games 1,4 and 7 in a playoff series, and just goes 1 then 5) I still believe that he could have been worth it. Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco (I can’t believe I’m actually acknowledging that ridiculous last name) however, are another story. Even after their reality TV show, and all the hype they generated about playing together, both are having career low seasons and Owens is out altogether. Even the traditional Owens “Throw my Quarterback under the bus” act couldn’t keep this team from underachieving. Their head coach is on the hot seat and might not have a job next year, and 4-11 going into this week isn’t exactly lighting it up is it?

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – I don’t even know if you can still call him “beloved” considering Brett Favre is beginning to lose his lovability mojo by the minute. His team is in shambles as their now ex head coach Brad Childress, an asshole in his own right, was fired mid-season. Favre has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns, and every week it was a new daytime drama as to whether or not he would start that game and continue his streak of games started, or even play due to his various injuries, or just retire. Equally distracting were his off the field problems regarding some inappropriate text messages he was allegedly sending a female employee of the Jets. Issues that ultimately led to a $50,000 fine imposed by the NFL. It’s bad enough that Favre, who has done so much for the game of football, will leave the game after a horrible season riddled with injuries and off the field woes, but his lasting image (if you believe the inappropriate photos) will be that of a middle aged man masturbating on a bed in a lonely hotel room wearing plastic shoes.

RACIST OF THE YEAR – Mel Gibson for those classic voice mail messages. Dude, what were you thinking? Don’t you know that a skank with an agenda will tape everything you say?

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – In a year when so many interesting people dropped dead this year, it’s difficult to pick just one that stood above the rest. Lena Horne was an incredible artist, as was Dennis Hopper. Alex Chilton was one of my favorite musicians, JD Salinger one of my favorite authors. But I think this award goes to long time UCLA Bruins basketball head coach John Wooden. Don’t know why? Read the article about Wooden in the archive of this blog, June 5, 2010.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

My Favorite Christmas Songs 12/16/10

I think it only fitting that on a week where I am listing my favorite Christmas songs, one of the artists on my list has finally and deservedly been nominated to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. No, I’m not talking about Alice Cooper and his jolly Christmas tunes (could you imagine that?), but the great Darlene Love. I was also impressed to see one of America’s greatest song writers, Tom Waits, finally be inducted as well, but fucking Neil Diamond? Look, one day I will go “Eddie Trunk” on you and write a scathing attack on the Rock and Roll Hall of LAME and their stupid nomination process (Grandmaster Flash and ABBA are in, Rush, Iron Maiden and KISS are still waiting…brilliant) but it’s Christmas and I’m officially in the spirit, so here is something that my older readers saw a few years ago…

As much as a good Christmas song can bring back wonderful childhood memories and immediately transport you to a simpler, happier time, a bad Christmas song (The Beach Boys, Beyonce, Mariah Carey) can make you wanna go on a three state killing spree. In hoping to avoid the latter, I have listed my all-time favorite Christmas songs, enjoy them as I have for so many great seasons. So here they are, in order this time…

MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

Run Rudolph Run (1958)-Chuck Berry. If I properly researched this, I might find that this was probably the first Rock n Roll Christmas song. With Berry’s signature guitar keeping a story about Rudolph company, you would never think it would work, but it does.

Wonderful Christmastime (1979) - Paul McCartney. This song isn’t just cheesy, it is cheese. But I really like it. Remember, the list is my favorite Christmas songs, not the best Christmas songs.

Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto (1968) - James Brown. Only the Godfather of Soul can tell Santa where to go. Telling him “you will see mothers/and Soul brothers,” just in case he forgets where he is.

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (1971) - John Lennon. It was during his “advertising campaign for peace” that he wrote this song and even put up a few billboards around New York City. A bit naïve maybe, but in a good way.

All Alone on Christmas (1992) - Darlene Love. Yes it’s from a lame Home Alone movie, but what a great voice to go with a great message - nobody oughtta be, alone on Christmas.

Do They Know it’s Christmas (1984) - Band Aid. Another cheesy song, but I like it. And I like a lot of the people that were on it like U2, Sting, Peter Weller and Freddy Mercury just to name a few.

Christmas Time is Here (1965) - Vince Guaraldi Trio. Mena can attest to this. If you worked at Tower Records at Christmas, you know “A Charlie Brown Christmas” completely. They had been known to play it a few times during the holidays. Even now, I walked into a store yesterday and heard the subtle piano intro to this song, I was reminded as I have been so many years before, that Christmas time was surely here.

Christmas in Hollis (1987) - Run DMC. Run DMC can claim so many firsts when it comes to Hip-Hop. And this is the first accessible Christmas rap song. Sure Beat Street had one in 1984, but this one is better and doesn’t talk about spending your welfare money playing numbers.

The Christmas Song (1963) - Nat King Cole. This one means so much to me personally for so many reasons. But let’s just say that the haunting vocals by one of the greatest American singers ever make it special as well.

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) (1987) - U2. The original was done by musical genius turned trigger-happy maniac Phil Spector, vocals by the great Darlene Love. But since I grew up on U2 I kinda like this version better. Don’t worry, Darlene Love does the background vocals on this one, so I can be forgiven.

Happy Holidays!

Change We Can Believe In...Or Negotiate Our Way Out Of 12/9/10

“Your blog reminds me of John Stewart; whose humor is funny enough to ignore his political views.” – John L.

This comes from someone I’ve known for decades, so I am taking it as a compliment.

NEWS

A few weeks ago President Barack Obama was conducting a town hall meeting when a woman approached the microphone and said “I’m tired of defending your administration.” Whimp! I thought. But this week, and on Pearl Harbor day, no less, word came down that a compromise had been reached that would extend the Bush era tax breaks another two years. I suddenly began to understand that woman’s anger. There is no reason why anyone making over $2.5 million a year needs a tax break, but I certainly could use one. I have so many problems with this, the first one being that he campaigned on this issue, and it really is something he should have fought for not for political gain, but because this country really needs it right now. And once again, he just didn’t sell it. Why not hammer home “tax breaks for the rich” or “millionaire bailout” the same way Republicans shoved the term “death panels” down the throat of the ignorant during the health care debate? Because when Republicans used broad terms it failed? Well did it ever occur to Democratic strategists that it failed because it was a lie, and that in this case, these tax breaks for “all Americans” do indeed include those who make millions a year and probably wouldn’t even notice it anyway?
From a purely political standpoint, this deal does make perfect sense. I know, I know, even his own party is leaning towards voting against him, but bear with me. It’s reminiscent of Bill (man was he cool) Clinton in 1994 after his party took a beating in the mid-term elections. If this “Clinton-esque” gamble should pay off, these tax cuts will expire at the beginning of his second term, when he can basically do whatever he wants. The gamble part being that he has to get elected to a second term, and I don’t know how that is going to happen. See, the difference between Obama and Clinton is that Republicans acknowledged when Clinton went “middle of the road” and gave in to Republican ideas; especially during future negotiations. Then again, Clinton never represented the change that Obama once did; Change that seems farther and farther away. Obama can’t get a break no matter what he does. He could resurrect the remains of Richard Nixon, put them in a bong and try to smoke them and it wouldn’t matter. Republicans with their limited vision will still just see a black man. A black man that was only voted into office because they backed a retard for 8 years prior.

Who the fuck is Donald Douglas? And why is he criticizing, of all things, Elizabeth Edwards’ final words posted on Facebook? As most of you know, Liz Edwards lost her long battle with cancer this week, and characteristically left us with an eloquent final good-bye. Absent from her address was any mention of God or Jesus, to which “American Power” blogger Douglas responded: "Being anti-religion is cool, so Edwards' non-theological theology gets props from the neo-communists…Still, at her death bed and giving what most folks are calling a final goodbye, Elizabeth Edwards couldn't find it somewhere down deep to ask for His blessings as she prepares for the hereafter? I guess that nihilism I've been discussing reaches up higher into the hard-left precincts than I thought." Why is it that the only ones mixing religion and politics always seem to be on the right? Did it ever occur to this idiot that Edwards choosing not to acknowledge your imaginary friend had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with her personal beliefs? Beliefs which the Constitution you say you love entitles her to.

SPORTS

I’m sure the Yankees deserve all the criticism they get from the Boston Red Sox. In this day and age when so many championships are merely bought through the use of free agency then sold off once it’s won, how refreshing it is to finally see a team like the Red Sox, building its franchise up from scratch. I mean it’s not like they would attack the Yankees' spending habits then go out and spend $142 million on Carl Crawford or anything. Not to mention make a play for Mariano Rivera. I’m sure Jonathan Papelbon, who has saved so many games for them, feels really loved and wanted in Boston now. Just how do they expect to keep him happy for the rest of the year? This really makes me laugh. See, here’s what the Red Sox will never get over…Yankees don’t go to Boston, but Red Sox, career Red Sox, I might add, have been known to come to New York. And they come here to do what they couldn’t do in Boston for many decades…win. Do I have to list them, or have you perennial losers suffered enough? Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens, oh sorry, got carried away there for a minute…

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Whenever you put a microphone in a ballplayer’s face to discuss something other than a curve ball or the fundamentals of hitting, you suffer what I like to call “the John Rocker effect.” Exactly what happened when Luke Scott of the Baltimore Orioles showed up at baseball’s winter meetings to talk about…hunting? Which naturally led to the second amendment, which led to the President. Scott said, and I quote, "[Obama] was not born here, that's my belief. I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go - within 10 minutes - to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, 'See? Look! Here it is. Here it is.' The man has dodged everything. He dodges questions, he doesn't answer anything. And why? Because he's hiding something." Wow…brilliant conclusion. I guess Hawaii has yet to join the Union. How did this guy hit 27 homeruns last year without a brain? Don’t you need a brain to hit the ball? For hand-eye cordination at least?

Pull Over...I Gotta Take a WikiLeak 12/2/10

I don’t know about you, but I’m already in the Christmas spirit…Ho Ho Ho!!

NEWS

I was a bit worried about WikiLeaks and the sensitive documents that they put online because CNN made it sound as if they were giving away troop position coordinates in Afghanistan. The subject matter of the leaks were certainly not that sensitive. Not that I really want foreign heads of state knowing what assholes we think they are, but until anyone’s life really is in danger I doubt the authorities have a case. Remember there is a difference between dirty laundry and actual sensitive information that could cost lives. So until a life is lost due to this website, I don’t see what anyone can do. And ever since this story broke, reclusive WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been put on Interpol’s most wanted list for an alleged rape in Sweden. They put you on the most wanted list for that? Why isn’t Roman Polanski on it then? I don’t know what this guy did or didn’t do, but the timing of these charges coinciding with this latest and most serious round of document leaking is questionable at best.
And how has the keen intellect of the right in America responded? Republican Rep. Peter King asked the State Department if WikiLeaks can be designated a terrorist organization. A website/terrorist organization? Brilliant. Sen. Joe Lieberman has called on the United States and other governments to shut down WikiLeaks. Censorship? How American! And my favorite, Sarah Palin, blamed President Barack Obama's "incompetence" for the leaks, as she so brilliantly equated the current state of affairs with a website posting pages of her new book without her permission. At this point, Ms Palin should be more concerned about being able to determine the difference between North and South Korea. As she said when asked about the current tension on the Korean Peninsula, and I quote, “We gotta stand with our North Korean allies.” I am very concerned that there is a segment of the population that wants a woman who doesn’t know which side we are on to have nuclear launch codes.
However, before Assnage should meet his fate in a harsh Swedish jail/day spa, I do hope WikiLeaks is able go along with this idea… Early next year, WikiLeaks will publish tens of thousands of internal documents from a major U.S. bank, exposing the institution's rampant corruption and unethical practices and executives' brazen self-interest, Assange said in an exclusive interview with Forbes magazine. He also said the website plans a wave of new leaks from the corporate sector, including damaging documents from pharmaceutical companies, energy and oil companies and many banks.

So what’s this I hear about a Twitter campaign where Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake and some other people I find totally irrelevant supposedly “die” and don’t tweet anymore? Is this true death or yet another self important promotion disguised as sacrifice and support for a good cause? Seriously if not being a slave to your Twitter account for a few days so that you can’t inform the rest of the world what color your latest crap is counts as some sort of charitable sacrifice I recommend 9 weeks of boot camp for these delusional shitheads. This campaign would backfire royally if this country were inhabited by smarter people, the drawback being that whatever AIDS charity they are working with wouldn’t see a dime.
But imagine if this meant that we would never actually hear from them ever again as if they were really dead? Had that been the case I would have gladly surrendered my credit card number. Stephen Colbert said it best, “How about you raise only $999,999.99…and have the best of both worlds.”

SPORTS

You know why I didn’t comment too much about the Derek Jeter situation? Because there was no fucking way it wasn’t going to be resolved without Jeter ending up as a Yankee. Both sides had good arguments, but come on, what’s a few million amongst good friends? I’ll tell you a story I’m much more into is the possibility that the Yanks could trade for Zack Greinke, as he has waived his no trade clause with the Royals only if the Yankees are interested (Odd considering that one of the teams in his no-trade clause was reportedly The Yankees). Look, I know Cliff Lee is the ass everyone is kissing, but Greinke is a far better pitcher than his numbers should indicate, remember he plays in Kansas City. I think the Rangers end up with Lee anyway, so why not go for a younger arm for less money that can just as easily play second fiddle to CC Sabathia.

I really don’t give a shit whether or not LeBron James throws talcum powder into the air in Cleveland tonight…really.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Spiderman: The Musical