I Hate It When This Happens 9/23/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

If there is one thing I hate is Bill Maher beating me to the punch, or punchline in this case. Last week I was giddy with girlish glee at that fact that the Teabagger party had pretty much hijacked the Republican primaries and has forced them to run a bunch of right-wing maniacs. One booby-hatcher in particular I’m watching is that Christine O’Donnell from Delaware. I quoted her maniacal stance on evolution and wanted to quote her at least once a week. But like most aspiring bimbos in Hollywood, looks like Maher had her first. As a regular guest on his old show “Politically Incorrect,” she brought the crazy on a regular basis, having appeared on it over 20 times. On his show "Realtime", Maher said he would show an old clip once a week until she does his show, and the first one was a lulu. In the clip, she talked about how she dabbled in…wait for it…witchcraft. Yeah, witchcraft. I guess the ghoul scene wasn’t as dangerous or full of nutcases enough, so naturally she turned to politics.
In New York, and I can’t believe this is true, the maniacal Carl Paladino is only 6 points behind Andrew Cuomo in a general poll for governor. I don’t know about you, but I am slowly losing my sense of humor about these people.

Look, I understand that this is all a reaction to the slow moving Obama Administration, but what did you expect? Obama can’t fix everything that’s broken in only two years. Even having to follow the worst president in US history (Remember this retard?), he has made significant progress. In a recession however, you’re just not going to feel it right away, and in a country of prescription medication addicts like the United States, I’m afraid that just won’t do. We want immediate gratification, which is why we invented the glory hole!
Yeah we voted for change we can believe in, but unlike your daily heroin fix people, this change is gonna take some time to kick in. And as bad as it is, it is still considerably better than electing asylum residents into office. Remember, the Democrats are the party of slow ideas, but the Republicans are the party of no ideas. And the Teabaggers, well, they just don’t want the big black president to swat away their guns and Bibles with his larger than average Kenyan Tribal Muslim penis.

SPORTS

Say what you want about New York football, but it sure as Hell isn’t dull is it? As I correctly predicted, that trade for Braylon Edwards has now come back to bite the J-E-T-S JetsJetJets! in their green and white asses. Feuding with Broadway Joe? DUI? It’s not so much that Edwards decided to get behind the wheel while intoxicated, it’s not just the fact that two teammates (D'Brickashaw Ferguson and Vernon Gholston) essential to the team were in the same car, and had an accident occurred it would have been disasterous for the team, it’s the fact that there is a system in place known as the Player Protect Program, where any player who is too drunk to drive can call and get a ride. There is no excuse for this boneheadedness. The NFL has its guidelines under the collective bargaining agreement and I’m sure they will follow them, but if the Jets have any balls they will sanction this idiot further. So far, all we have heard is Rex Ryan saying he is “tired of all this.” But no suspensions or punishment from the team other than that he will not start against Miami this Sunday…wow, how harsh.
Then there is Brandon Jacobs deciding to throw his helmet into the stands. Huh? What statement was that making? And why wasn’t the fan who caught the helmet allowed to keep it? He didn’t throw it at himself, and had he been hurt by the helmet thrown in his direction would the Giants have been so selfish?

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

Three young men from Bishop Eddie Long's (Or Bishop Don Magic Juan, if you go by that suit) New Birth Missionary Baptist Church filed lawsuits this week claiming he exploited his position and used cash, cars and expensive trips to pressure them into sexual relationships. Long's attorney says the pastor "categorically denies" the allegations. Given the fact that he has a fierce anti-gay stance that includes a 2004 ministry to “deliever” men from homosexuality, I would say his lawyer can do nothing but. What makes this asshole an asshole isn’t the fact that he drives a Bentley, lives in a mansion and wears more jewelry than Elizabeth Taylor (that might be what makes him gay, though). It’s the implied notion that he bilks millions of dollars from unsuspecting sheep, uses the money to diddle young boys then has the nerve to say he is the heir apparent to Martin Luther King Jr.. Even God is looking down at this guy going “I can’t believe this shit head is on my team.”
Now let me make one thing clear…at this point, these are just alligations, and according to one of Long’s biggest supporters, disgraced right wing gay pastor Ted Haggard, “Nobody is guilty until the court says he is guilty.” Not quite the back-up he needs right now but, ok. Now that might be true, but when you call yourself the "spiritual daddy" to young black men in search of salvation, and one of your books is titled "Gladiator, the Strength of a Man," not to mention your last name is "Long," you really are giving me waaaay too much material to work with.

Bringing The Crazy This Fall 9/16/10

Did you ever smoke so much weed that you got a contact high from your next morning’s pee?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

The mid-term primaries brought a lot of surprises, particularly for the Republican Party. Much as they were hijacked by the religious right in the 70’s, now it looks like a fringe group of maniacs have done it again. Christine O’Donnell scored the nomination for Senate in Delaware, but the biggest surprise was how a Teabagger got the Republican nomination for Governor in New York no less, over the moderate Rick Lazio (is it me, or does he look like he is wearing "old guy" make-up?). Carl Paladino gave a victory speech that reminded me of a drunk guy at a wedding trying to sing with the band. Now, those of us who do not live in a mass delusion need not worry. As a matter of fact, if played correctly, this could be a moment of great opportunity. Ultimately, crazy people are unelectable, and so far their only platform is “the big black president wants to take away our guns and Bibles.” Not even stupid people will stand by that.
Now, I'm happy to say that this Christine O’Donnell doesn’t disappoint; she brings the crazy with a misguided passion equal to that of Glenn Beck and Sarah Palin. I’ll leave you with just one gem from an appearance on CNN a few years ago: “Now too many people are blindly accepting evolution as a fact. But when you get down to the hard evidence, it’s merely a theory.” Really? So is Relativity, but it has yet to fail. That’s like saying too many people are blindly accepting the Earth revolving around the Sun as a fact. Seriously, is there really any other reason why Teabaggers even exist other than the crippling fear that strangle-holds the ignorant?

So I finally broke the battered housewife syndrome of watching the lamefest that is the MTV Video Music Awards. I watched football and Entourage instead. But I did hear about that raw meat dress that Lady GaGa was wearing. A desperate plea for attention by someone who obviously hates their parents. Wanna get my attention, how about sitting this idiot in a live shark tank while wearing that stupid dress? Now, THAT would have been worth watching!

SPORTS

Week 1 of the NFL season is in the books. I know this because I had considerable difficulty getting up Monday morning, and some of my brothers in arms didn't even make it out of bed. Now everyone knows that I’m a huge poser when it comes to football because even though I’m a Cowboys fan, I still root for both New York teams, and the Giants share the division with the Cowboys. I wish the Giants could have also shared some of their heart and brains. As the G-men won their opener, the Cowboys lost, not to the Washington Redskins, but to a series of stupid mistakes, including a holding call on the last play of the game that might have gotten them the win. 2 minutes with the game on the line is what football is all about, and Tony Romo was good until that last play. But it’s responding to pressure that wins or loses games.

OK why is this Derek Jeter story so important? I guess sainthood in New York for this guy might have to wait a few minutes. What is Derek Jeter's job? To get on base, it's the umpires job to officialte the game, it's Joe Madden's job to fight for his team. Everyone here did their job. Jeter didn't tell himself to take a base, Jeter didn't call the trainer out to check on him. All Jeter did was move away from a ball coming inside. Incidentally, pitchers have been beaning his wrists inside for years, so I don't mind him getting one back. Once again as I said about Reggie Bush (who, after forfeiting the Heisman trophy, I will now refer to as the Richard Nixon of Football), a player wants to play. Did he give an Oscar-worthy performance? Sure, but who doesn't in that situation? You know, had this been Alex Rodriguez they would be calling for his $27 million a year head!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

And even before the J-E-T-S JetJetsJets! Lost on Monday night, they were already causing a ruckus. There was a woman reporter named Inez Sainz at practice on Saturday looking to get an interview with Mark Sanchez, when some of the players began allgededly harassing her with catcalls and throwing the ball in her direction (throwing the ball in her direction?). According to her she didn’t even notice until she got into the locker room where she said she felt “uncomfortable.” I wonder how uncomfortable Serena Williams would be if I went into her locker room looking to get an interview as she comes out of the shower? Until I can do that, will we ever truly be equal? (Hey I can dream, can’t I?)
5 days of practice is hard enough, now after this incident that she didn't even report, everyone has to go through some type of league mandated “sensitivity” training? What about the guys that didn’t even notice this woman? Do they have to go too? Jets brass has chimed in that they don’t want anyone around them to feel uncomfortable, and that’s how it should be, but how courageous of this woman, who had been so traumatized by the whole event, to still show up at the game Monday night. It must have been so hard to sit through. We should give her a medal for still being able to be on the sidelines where the most expensive seats go for $700.00 after all she has been through, not to mention finding the inner strength to show up at every morning talk show this week.

It's Mid-Term Time! 9/9/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Looks like they were doing some much needed late spring cleaning at the White House, because someone finally found Barack Obama’s balls. It was beginning to worry me that an administration that basically won the office using above standard communication skills was no longer communicating. But that Labor Day speech in Milwaukee was exactly what was needed. Mid-term elections are the best gauge of how the people feel about the administration, and the feelings have been a bit rocky with Obama doing little to change it until now. Going after those who have obstructed every piece of legislation designed to help Americans is what he has to do. Stop appeasing these assholes; it didn’t work with Nazi Germany and it’s not gonna work now.
The problem with people like Obama is that he thinks that everyone is just as smart as he is, will see what he is doing, then vote accordingly. It took him a while to fathom what Republicans realized long ago: That the public is stupid, and wants to stay that way. Progress is an insulting term to them. Think about it: Whenever that waste of space Sarah Palin says “The Media Elite” at one of her rallies, it gets jeers. Using that, the Republican Party has succeeded (remarkably, I might add) in doing one thing…by distracting the public with minutia, they have gotten working people to consistently vote against their own interests. If the Teabaggers and Birthers would bother to have someone read a newspaper to them, they would realize that the big black president has not taken away their guns, has not raised taxes (he has actually lowered them for the middle class) and his health care bill is much better than no reform at all. But not to worry, given the fact that there is still no public option, big insurance companies won’t lose too much money. And yet with all of this, rural America is still not convinced. Proven hysterically by the fact that after Obama’s speech where he said his critics “talk about me like a dog,” Fox News (HA!) actually had on, and I’m not making this up, a dog lover who was offended by the remarks.

SPORTS

It looks like the Heisman Committee is looking into stripping Reggie Bush of his 2005 Heisman Trophy because he was ineligible due to improper loans and gifts given to his family by boosters. Yeah like that’s new thing in college sports. Bush himself has seemed to resign himself to whatever the committee decides, and if they do strip him it will set an odd precedent. Personally, it wasn’t Reggie Bush who used an ineligible player, it was USC. A player wants to play, it’s the school’s responsibility to make sure he is eligible, and it’s obvious that USC and then coach Pete Carroll turned a blind eye to a lot of shady things going on in their program. If the kid took PEDs or gambled I can see him getting stripped, but he never cheated at the actual games, so it would be odd to strip him of the trophy.

Looks like J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets! Fans can rejoice as a labor agreement was reached on Labor Day, no less, between the team and their cornerback, Darrelle Revis. Looks like the Jets now have a whole team and a whole season to back up all the shit they have been talking.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Those who need an alternative to remembering September 11th with reflection and compassion can attend the 1st annual “International Burn the Koran Day.” (Don’t worry that it is actually spelled Qur’an, I mean it’s not like these people can read anyway) Not familiar with this holiday? Well maybe because it was invented by some right-wing backwoods country yahoo in the Florida wilderness. The Dove World Outreach Center has a congregation of a whopping fifty, that’s right, fifty people. And these fifty redneck morons are now in the international spotlight; Odd for a group of people who have probably never seen a map of the whole World.
Once again, as I said about the Muslim Center in downtown New York City, no one is questioning these people’s rights, just their judgment. It’s not about whether they could it’s about whether they should. And at least the Cultural Center serves a purpose, what purpose could burning a book possibly serve? And how would this prevent and not increase radical Islam and hatred towards Americans? Incidentally, I might not agree with American troops in Afghanistan being in greater danger if this happens, those who hate us hate us no matter how many books we barbecue. And trust me, sentiment towards US troops can’t get much worse there. But if we take Radicals at their word that this might endanger unarmed Americans abroad, why agitate?
Now, in Texas v Johnson (1989), the Supreme Court settled the issue of flag burning and this is the reasoning that is applied to this issue. The ruling in Texas however, provides one overlooked loophole: Sure they have a right to burn the Koran. However, they will also be held accountable if violence breaks out due to the burning. To me it’s not a legislative issue it’s just good manners. You are not being a bastion of freedom when you burn a Koran, you are just being a big asshole.
Wanna make a bigger impression? How about knowing some history, you so called “patriotic” Americans, and remembering the 418,000 Americans who died in World War II defending the world against a tyranny famous for book burning bonfires like this one.

Maybe a Foul Ball Knocked Him on the Head 9/2/10

(sigh) Ok…let’s just get right to it…

THIS WEEK’S REASON TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
I have always admired Albert Pujols. He is a fellow Latino and an outstanding ball player. He has never been political or controversial, so one is left to ask in complete and utter bewilderment, “What the fuck was Pujols doing at Glenn Beck’s ‘Restore Honor’ rally?” I hope it wasn’t to support the notion that, and I quote “America today begins to turn back to God.” Sorry, but that sounds like someone who isn’t quite respecting the idea of “Separation of Church and State.” You know that little phrase in the Constitution that most Republicans and Teabaggers say they support but somehow have yet to read.
Now in all fairness, I believe Albert Pujols to not be affiliated in any way with Glenn
Beck and his maniacal right-wing homoerotic rage, but Pujols has enough people around him that are paid very well to preserve his image, and someone clearly dropped the ball. Personally I believe that he was taken advantage of by the right wing nit-wit that manages him, Tony LaRussa, who was also present at this rally.
Sure he made it clear that he would not be present if the rally were in any way political, but come on, how do you separate the “bat” from the “shit”? And maybe Pujols should have researched some of the comments made by the idiot behind this so called non-political rally. These are direct Glenn Beck quotes by the way:

“Every single illegal immigrant is guilty of a crime, every single one…. Every undocumented worker (read Latino) is an illegal immigrant, a criminal and a drain on our dwindling resources.”

“I told you about the five-part plan that I believe may lead to the end of the West as we know it, one of the elements is illegal immigration attacking our culture, and our way of life; they are not melting into our melting pot; they’re here for the cash.”

On illegal immigrants - “they come for three reasons: one, they’re terrorists; two, they’re escaping the law; or three, they’re hungry (because) they can’t make a living in their own dirtbag country.”

On Sonia Sotomayor - “I think she is a racist. I think she decided things based on race. I think she says that a Hispanic woman, with the experience of being a Hispanic woman can make decisions that a white man can’t make. I can’t imagine saying that. That’s like saying Hispanics can’t make money decisions like them Jews.”

Let me use a different analogy: Porn star Sasha Grey is currently on Entourage, playing herself. She has been pretty good and has also been offered more non-porn roles. Now, like it or not, this girl could win an Academy Award for playing a nun one day, but as she steps to the podium to give her acceptance speech, the only thing anyone will be thinking of is her going ass to mouth with anal beads.
As for Glenn Beck, I have never really attacked him on here because his words speak for themselves, and usually smart people will just dismiss crazy as just that. However, there is a continental shift towards the loud and stupid in this country, and the fact that so many Americans are so ignorant as to hang on this brain tumor’s every word just serves to scare the shit out of me. Political content or not, there is no way for even intelligent people to separate this asshole from his rants, so I imagine it impossible for the ignorant masses who follow this jerk to do the same.

NEWS
If there is one book I can’t wait to read it is former British Prime Minister Tony Blair’s memoirs. The reviews are in and it seems that he liked George W Bush (I guess the same way you would like a street performer: You kinda feel sorry for him, but here’s a dollar keep juggling those blenders!) He loved Bill Clinton (Who didn’t? During his biggest scandal his approval ratings broke records), and was almost choked to death by one of former Russian President Boris Yeltsin’s drunken 30 second bear hugs.

SPORTS

I guess everyone is going through World Cup withdrawal, because no one is really talking about the FIBA World Basketball championships in Istanbul. Team USA has gone undefeated in its group after beating Tunisia and Iran 88-51. Hey Iran, how does it feel to get your ass kicked by the “Great Satan?” Incidentally, why is it that countries that hate us keep referring to us as the “Great” Satan? I can understand being just Satan, but the “Great” Satan? That’s just too much to live up to, and in case you haven’t noticed, we really don’t like to work that hard unless we have to.
I will say this, I love the culture of winning that USA Basketball chairman Jerry Colangelo has created in wake of the disaster that was Athens in 2004. He has picked role players, superstars and swingmen. Sure they could use a bit more size, but the fact that the team is a year-round thing now, not just 12 rich assholes getting together every 4 years, has made them worth rooting for. Sure the bigger names of the Olympic team are absent like Kobe Bryant, and the 3 guys in Miami, but this is still a well thought out and well put together team, and I enjoy rooting for who they are instead of criticizing them for who they are not. As for those guys that didn’t show up, I will say this: I have always said that no one is asking them to wear a combat uniform for their country, just a basketball one. And a country that has made you rich because you can dribble a ball deserves at least that.