The JB Random Report 6/24/10

These soccer fans sure are sensitive. In celebrating USA’s victory and advancement into the knock out round of the World Cup, every girl at the bar kept walking away from me in horror. I don’t understand; all I did was offer to let them blow on the Vuvuzela in my pants. No sense of humor.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Barack Obama accepting the resignation of General Stanley McChrystal was not at the level of Truman firing MacArthur, so please get a grip on your suspenders, Larry King! Now hopefully the General is put in charge of another division somewhere umm “quieter” where there are few reporters around him, because he is too good a soldier to just be let go for something so trivial. For those who don’t know, members McChrystal’s staff badmouthed the civilian leadership and their strategy at a bar. Nothing new right? Even the drive thru guy at Burger King rags on his boss now and then. The problem is that these nitwits did it in front of a reporter for Rolling Stone who was doing a piece on the General and his staff. Brilliant. Sir with all due respect, even a squad leader knows to keep squad issues within the squad, and instructs his soldiers to at-ease the rhetoric in front of strangers.
I agree that Obama can’t have such comments attributed to such a high ranking military commander. It undermines civilian control over the military. But if he is smart, he wouldn’t push General McChrystal too far down. Remember you don’t know what he knows, and you never served a day in uniform, so easy on the firing stick Barry.
Now, replacing him with General David Petraeus is a no brainer, this officer is by far the best man for the job, having curbed the insurgency in Iraq about as much as it could be curbed. I expect a swift Senate confirmation, but one thing I hope Petraeus remembers is that Iraqis were not motivated by fundamentalism and they could be bought (which was essentially the strategy). Afghanis are not motivated by money, but by their belief in God and their tribes. I hope he gets this one right or there will be a lot of second guessing.

SPORTS

Every sport needs a moment. An occurrence that brings people to the sport that would otherwise not care. For 8 years, Landon Donovan has been the American face of a sport that Americans don’t really care for, at least not on a level with baseball or NFL football. But after years of hard work, Donovan’s moment came yesterday against Algeria. To score a goal so late in stoppage time, and for Americans, to actually have the referee allow the damn goal in the first place, was a remarkable feat in so many ways. It was a World Cup goal that will be talked about for years, history Americans could never claim before. That goal also did something that even having the World Cup in the US in 1994 couldn’t do…it got Americans interested. I have always loved how the World Cup effects New York City, but we have a huge immigrant population from all over the world, so you would expect this city to be nuts during the Cup, but now, all Americans are interested; thank Landon Donovan for that.

And speaking of Algeria, Rafik Saifi showed what a class act he is by slapping a female reporter after his team’s loss to the US. Apparently they have an ongoing media feud, but hitting a woman in front of witnesses? I guess that’s how angry, bitter and frustrated losing to the US, combined with being occupied for so many years by France, a nation of snail eating cowards, can make you. I guess when you hit a woman, your cowardice level is so high you can’t even defend yourselves from weaklings like the French.

And speaking of the French, much like their strategy to defend themselves against the Germans, French soccer has also become a joke. After mutinying against their coach for dismissing a player for being a self absorbed, self entitled asshole (imagine that?) the French national team is in total disarray. I guess they are not aware that this is the World Cup; it only comes around every four years and every player in the world would give their left arm to play in it just once. Like the Magnot line, the French have once again squandered talent and time with something trivial and stupid that will cost them dearly for the rest of their lives. And to add asshole to injury, after they got beat by South Africa and eliminated from the World Cup, the French coach inexplicably refused to shake hands with South African coach Carlos Alberto Parreira. It’s not South Africa’s fault that your team imploded. Sometimes feigning indifference with a thick accent and a cigarette in your mouth is not cool.

And of course, no commentary on the World Cup would be complete without mentioning asshole referee Koman Coulibaly, but I also would like to hold the assholes at FIFA accountable as well. Someone needs to tell these shitheads that they are not James Bond, and keeping why a call was made secret is not a matter of global security. This is supposedly the biggest sport in the world and there are no rules in place where an official has to explain a call? Sure he will no longer officiate any games in the World Cup, sure his blunder is all but forgotten now that Team USA HAS WON THEIR GROUP FOR THE FIRST TIME SINCE 1930!!!!! But hey FIFA, how about you join the 21st Century and begin to incorporate at least some replay? That’s why American sports might not be as popular, but certainly are better played and better officiated. And don’t give me that (ESPN Commentator) Ruud Gullit bullshit that “sometimes things just don’t go your way in soccer.” Are you nuts? A weak Cliché is no excuse for a lack of structure and objectivity in officiating. Yes mistakes are inevitable, but why not correct them if you can? Not doing so on purpose is just stupid. Last month when Armando Galarraga was robbed of a perfect game, the official who blew the called stepped up like a gentleman and apologized, but more importantly, he admitted that he made a mistake. Why? Because officials are held accountable here, that’s what keeps the games fair.

Is it true that Kim Kardashian is banging Miles Austin? The only reason this even concerns me is because I’m a Cowboys fan and I don’t want another Jessica Simpson problem. The last time the offense let a fame starved skank in the house they lost in the first round of the playoffs.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Lady Ga Ga at any sporting event.

The JB Random Report 6/17/10

"The magic of first love is our ignorance that it can never end." – Benjamin Disraeli

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So how did that Presidential address concerning the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico impress you? He talked tough and seemed to be very in charge of the crisis, which is what makes the fact that oil is still spilling even more disappointing. Unlike his predecessor, who was legally retarded, Barack Obama is engaged and trying every innovative idea to solve the problem. The problem is just too great. And it amazes me how Republican assholes, particularly from Texas, which makes them even bigger assholes because they are putting oil company profits over the interests of their own citizens affected by this disaster, are saying that the response should not be aimed at changing energy policies. Sen. Kay Bailey Hutchison, R-Texas said, "I am concerned the administration is attempting to capitalize on public outrage over the spill in order to push through a cap-and-trade bill that will significantly raise energy prices for all Americans and add more burdens on businesses. Right now, the president's number one priority needs to be keeping the jobs in the energy sector from going overseas and restoring the Gulf of Mexico." Maybe this asshole is unaware that the only jobs going overseas are the ones her corporate cronies are sending there. Seriously how is it that these shitheads are consistently on the side contrary to the needs of the people yet they still get elected? A new energy policy is exactly what we need. Even retarded ex-president George W Bush admitted that we were addicted to oil.
But the biggest Texas asshole has to be Rep. Joe Barton, who participated in today’s hearings with BP CEO Tony Stark, who is also Iron Man, or is it Hayward? I forget. Anyway this prick called the $20 billion recovery fund promised by BP a “shakedown” by the government. Never mind that it was never asked for, but offered by BP. Given the damage they have caused, not offering to pay for it would be a bit rude, wouldn’t it? Does this idiot know that a portion of this money is going to his constituents that were hurt by the spill? It is so easy to be angry at these greedy fucktards I was actually surprised that these hearings were as mild as they were.

SPORTS

Once again, are you like me? Do you have World Cup fever? It’s easy to catch when the whole world is watching. So far both the teams I’m rooting for have done well. US tied England which no one could have predicted and Argentina won its first game, then trounced South Korea in its second game. Look, Gonazalo Higuain’s hat trick (that’s 3 goals in one game for the futbol challenged) was amazing, but it was the set ups by the greatest player in the world, Lionel Messi that won the game. I don’t know what type of celebration Diego Maradona is preparing if they win it all, I just hope that crazy fucker keeps his clothes on!
I thought Spain had the best team this year but they actually got beat by Switzerland. Now I saw two black guys on the Swiss team but I have yet to see any black people in Switzerland.

SAVE THE VUVUZELA!!! That annoying buzzing sound that you hear during World Cup matches is a traditional African horn that is a staple at African soccer games. Something that FIFA knew when it selected South Africa to host the World Cup. Yeah it certainly is irritating for the first few minutes, but you get used to it. Which is why formal protests seeking to have the Vuvuzela banned are ridiculous. A player from team Argentina (who will remain nameless) complained that he couldn’t hear his team mates or his coach due to the noise. Dude, come on, it’s a horn not a culster bomb. I love Argentina, once again, along with the US they are the team I root for, but they really can be so full of shit sometimes.

Do you think it’s true that Kim Jong Il is using mind control to communicate with the North Korean team? The coach believes it, so why shouldn’t we all? They did score a goal against Brazil, and in a country where they seem to be living on their own planet, who knows?

LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS

Wow, how much of a hateful skank must you be when Justin Bieber fans are sending you death threats just for hanging out with him? Personally, I can tell you that being 16 and too mature for your age does have many drawbacks, one being that you realize that you are surrounded by morons your own age, and in some cases, morons a few years older than you. One of the benefits however, is how interesting you seem to older women. So if Kim Kardashian wants to bang you kid, you have my blessing. Just remember not to videotape it. And remember this is not exactly wifey material, as she is only famous for having a big ass and making sex tapes. So like my dad said the first time he let me drive his car, “have fun, just be careful.”

MUSIC & ENTERTAINMENT

What happens when you plan a free concert at the South Street Seaport with Drake on the same bill as…wait for it….Hanson? A riot of course!

I can’t get a song out of my head. “’59 Sound” by The Gaslight Anthem. It’s a cool song but it sounds so much like The Replacements I’m surprised they haven’t fired their original guitar player, have him die of an overdose, then subsequently fire their drummer then kill his replacement.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

The NAACP has done a lot of great work over the years, but come on…boycotting a fucking Hallmark card? I guess things on the racial front must be great if you are making an issue of this.

The JB Random Report 6/11/10

2 Things I learned in college…my Social Security number and 101 Creative Ways to Keep Beer Cold.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Wow…White House Senior (very Senior) Correspondent Helen Thomas really pissed off the wrong Jews…Hearst Newspapers announced her immediate retirement, not because she is 89 years old, but mostly due to these insightful comments she made, to a Rabbi no less, on May 27. Rabbi David F. Nesenoff of the website RabbiLive asked Thomas if she had any comments on Israel. To which she so intelligently replied:"Tell them to get the hell out of Palestine. Remember, these people are occupied. And it's their land. It's not German, it's not Poland." When Nesenoff asked Thomas where the Israelis should go, she said they should "go home" to Germany, Poland and the U.S. Bad move in the Age if the Internet. The video went all over the world, and a brilliant career was ended rather abruptly and unceremoniously. The 89-year-old Thomas, who is of Lebanese descent, was the first female member of the White House Correspondents' Association and the prestigious Gridiron Club. Beginning with John F Kennedy, she has covered the administrations of 10 U.S. presidents, and I’m guessing the American Revolution and Civil War. Look, what she said was boneheaded to say the least, but I hate to see so many people that she has outwitted over the years now take cheap shots at her:

Assholes like Ari Fleisher, the former spokesman for retarded President George W. Bush, who she used to totally own during press briefings, said she should be fired. "As someone who is Jewish, and as someone who worked with her and used to like her, I find this appalling." Really? Not because her questions exposed both you and the administration you worked for as incompetents?
This was Sarah Palin’s Twitter on June 5th. "Helen Thomas press pals condone racist rant? Heaven forbid 'esteemed' press corps represent society's enlightened elite; Rest of us choose truth," Truth? Is she really that fucking stupid to think she represents truth? And she is braindead, who taught her how to use a computer?
Joe Klein of Time magazine called Thomas' words "odious." He said Thomas should no longer be allowed to sit in the front row in the White House Press Room, where she is an honorary fixture. That voice that said “Thank you Mr. President” at the end of every briefing was hers. "I don't see any reason why the president, Robert Gibbs or any other representative of the government should feel any obligation to take her questions." While I strongly believe in her right to say whatever she wants, in this case I’m afraid Klein’s comments make the most sense. No one is going to give her questions any credibility anymore, it really was time for her to go.
And the hits just kept on coming for Thomas as over the weekend, she lost her speaking agency, Nine Speakers, and a high school in Bethesda, Md., canceled plans for Thomas to deliver a speech at its graduation ceremonies. My favorite Helen Thomas story was an interview she gave where she was asked if she had ever said that George W Bush was the worst president we have ever had, to which she replied, “I never said that on record, but it certainly did get out didn’t it?” I’ll miss that batty old lady, as will the White House Press Room.

SPORTS

I feel the same way about the World Cup that I always did, I'm a fan, and I can’t believe that no English speaking station even bothered to cover the Opening Ceremonies of the most popular sport in the world. Speaking of which, wouldn’t the opening ceremonies have been more energetic had they been done at night? Remember the 2008 Olympics? Here’s something I wrote 4 years ago for the last World Cup in Germany in 2006. I still believe this today…

Are you like me? Do you have World Cup fever?

In a subway station in Queens there is a barber shop that caters to everyone with an opinion about something, which means that pretty much everyone is welcome. I've been going there for too many years to count. 2 weeks ago, while sitting in a waiting chair I caught the end of the Argentina vs. Serbia-Montenegro World Cup match. It was a merciless beating by Argentina 6-0 who incidentally, has been my favorite World Cup team since 1986. A Colombian guy who works at the place started talking to me about International teams when a man came to the door, noticing the end of the game and asked what the score was, The man was Croatian and he was asking the Colombian, both of them communicating in broken English, but making every effort to communicate with each other. This barber shop summit meeting of international soccer fans made me think of two things; One was that Soccer really is the most important sport in the world. There it was bringing people together here in the USA. In Africa, if the Ivory Coast can call a cease-fire in their bitter civil war so that everyone there can appreciate their team playing in the World Cup, then soccer is doing the one thing few sports can...it's saving lives.
Second, The United States may have a myriad of flaws, but it is still the greatest country in the world. There I was, observing two men from the opposite sides of the world, immigrants that would have absolutely nothing to say to each other attempting to communicate in a language that is their second, to know a soccer score. Their communication made possible by soccer, determined assimilation, and the United States being the land of opportunity for all. I assure you, all three parties were made richer in that small exchange in a subway barber shop. If everyone in the US believed that it was OK to not learn English, then this exchange never would have taken place. Learning English does one thing that these so-called pro immigrants groups cannot do - It can bring all immigrants together in their chosen country of residence.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

The exportation of an obviously very disturbed Whitney Houston. Every European nation she performs in immediately cancels our trade agreements. I was thinking of putting up a picture but the image is disturbing…oh what the Hell, that never stopped me before!

Remembering a Legendary Coach

I’m not much of a name dropper, but a few summers ago I ran into NBA Hall of Famer Bill Walton at the Time Warner Center here in New York. Usually when you see celebrities in New York you kinda just ignore them; and when someone does say something to them, they tend to be polite but back away slowly…well, not Bill Walton. I have yet to meet a more chatty celebrity in my life, not even when I worked at Tower Records. He had a blast talking to me about basketball, probably because unlike the first guy that walked up to him, I didn’t refer to him as “Bill Russell.” We talked for a while about what it was like to play against Dr. J, and about how Hakeem Olajuwon was the toughest guy he ever guarded. Towards the end of our conversation, we talked about his days at UCLA and the subject naturally turned to his coach. That’s when he told this story…
Being a bit of a hippie, after Walton’s first year he decided to grow his hair and beard. His coach insisted that all his players have a neat appearance, be shaved and have their hair cut short. So one day before practice, Walton refused to cut his hair and told his coach he had no right to tell him how to look, to which the coach patiently replied “You are absolutely right Bill, I have no right to tell you how to look, but I do have a right to decide who plays on the team, and we are going to miss you.” Walton sped to a Westwood barbershop on his bicycle and managed rush back to practice for the last hour with the team. Besides grooming, his coach also never said a bad word, and wouldn’t permit any swearing in his presence. He distained lateness, and also strictly prohibited players criticizing other players on the team. Something that today seems impossible. But that’s how men make other men. That coach’s name was John Wooden, and today I woke up to the news that he had passed away at the age of 99. Not that it is particularly surprising that a 99 year old man die of natural causes, but it’s a loss for the world he leaves behind, because that world is now a lesser place.
Let’s get the numbers out of the way first, because that is the only thing people in a Twitterized world seem to recognize these days. He won 10…that’s right 10 NCAA Championships. 7 of those coming consecutively. The next three coaches combined won 11. He won a record 88 games in a row, along with 38 straight tournament wins. Needless to say, those are all-time records. Now, numbers never impressed me, and it wasn’t numbers that moved The Sporting News to name Wooden the “Greatest Coach of All Time.” That’s in any sport, in any era. It wasn’t even the winning that impressed me, it was the how, and the when that makes him the icon that he is. It was the winning of hearts and minds at a time where hearts and minds were in no mood to be won.
He was born in 1910 in Hall, Indiana, not exactly the most racially diverse place in the country, even today. He played guard for a state championship in high school, led Purdue to the national championship in 1932 and was a three-time All-American, two-time Big Ten player of the year and national player of the year. Wooden was the first person inducted into the Naismith Basketball Hall of Fame as both a player and a coach. He didn’t win his first NCAA Championship with UCLA until 16 years after his arrival. When asked about why it took so long he would just say he was learning.
When analyzing any achievement, it is necessary to always look at it from a historical perspective. It is the only way to give it the recognition it deserves. It wasn’t just winning national championships, but who did you win them with, and what was the atmosphere like? It is this historical perspective that serves only to increase the legend of Coach Wooden. I mentioned Wooden’s birthplace for a reason. Coaching at the school that later became Indiana State, he refused to take the team to the 1946 tournament because it did not allow African-American players. This was Indiana in 1946. That’s how a progressive mind works. Imagine what he must have gone through for the courage of that conviction. Then imagine winning in Los Angeles decades later finally with integrated players, but in the mid-60’s and 70’s; a time where colleges were ground zero for protests against Vietnam, racial inequality, and the shirt-and-tie establishment that Wooden seemed to represent. He got those kids to listen, understand, and respond during one of the most tumultous times in American history.
But my favorite Wooden story has to be how he survived his wife of 53 years, Nell who died in 1985. He wrote her a letter once a month and put it under her pillow. I guess the burden of her absence was just too great to bear, 25 years without her was enough. Wooden was indeed the first man to be elelcted into the Hall of Fame as both a player and coach, but if there is a Hall of Fame for human beings and setters of example, he goes in on the first ballot there as well. Rest easy coach, and thank you.

“Failing to prepare is preparing to fail”

"Don't give up on your dreams, or your dreams will give up on you"

"Talent is God-given; be humble. Fame is man-given; be thankful. Conceit is self-given; be careful."

And my personal favorite...

"Learn as if you were to live forever; live as if you were to die tomorrow"

- Coach John Wooden 1910-2010

The JB Random Report 6/3/10

You know, I can only imagine how different my life would be if the first time I snuck into my dad’s record collection I found a Donny Osmond record instead of “Let It Be” by The Beatles.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I really don’t know anything about the dude that was captured in Chile in connection with a girl’s murder in Peru, so I don’t wanna be prejudice, but if your name is Van Der Sloot, you’re guilty. And you know what else? Your grandfather was an active member of the Hitler Youth. Seriously doesn’t it just sound like a master race serial killer’s name?

SPORTS

Umpire Jim Joyce blew a call that cost Detroit Tigers pitcher Armando Galarraga a perfect game…ok we get it. Everyone is cackling on about how terrible that was, but no one has a solution, so shut the fuck up and move on already. Or, expand replay to include situations like this. If a homerun can be reviewed, then why not something so much more important, so much rarer, as a play that would ultimately determine a perfect game?

Not a lot to say about Ken Griffey Jr. retiring either. There is no argument that he is a first ballot Hall of Famer, 630 homeruns without even so much as a whisper of a steroid accusation during the steroid era. He was the owner of the most beautiful, self assured swing I’ve ever seen in baseball. This man clearly would have broken Hank Aaron’s record with no controversy had it not been for his injuries. What can anyone add?

So the NBA Finals start tonight and like most old school basketball fans, I am excited that it’s Boston Celtics – LA Lakers time once again. The NBA and ABC are wetting themselves because this is a rivalry that doesn’t need to be sold. It’s a finals where it’s not about any individual superstar, it’s about two traditional teams; Teams that own over one half of all the NBA titles. So let the debates begin as to which team from what year could have beaten these two current teams, but let’s put one particular debate to rest right now…
Should the Lakers win what would be their 11th NBA title in Los Angeles, it would be the fifth for Kobe Bryant, tying him with Ervin Magic Johnson for most by a Laker. So naturally there have been some sports analysts who are making comparisons between the two players, wondering which of the two is the greatest Laker ever. Are you serious? In the words of President Richard M “Tricky Dicky” Nixon, “Let me make this perfectly clear” …No matter what he does, no matter who he beats, no matter how many titles he wins, Kobe Bryant will never, ever be the greatest Laker over Magic Johnson. Did I mention never? Ever? For Kobe Bryant to even be in the conversation as the greatest Laker ever he would have to do things that Magic Johnson not only didn’t do, but never would have been able to do. Remember Magic won his 5 rings against teams with multiple Hall of Fame players at a time when the league had less teams and much better talent than they do now. Not to mention his career was cut short in it's prime.
Who did Kobe beat to win his rings? The Philadelphia 76ers, Indiana Pacers, Orlando Magic (who?) and The New Jersey Nets. The fucking Nets and Pacers? OK how many future Hall of Famers played on that Nets team besides Jason Kidd? Its ok I’ll wait…exactly. Besides Reggie Miller, anyone on the Pacers worth remembering? Didn’t think so.
Magic on the other hand, beat Larry Bird, Kevin McHale and Robert Parrish. Not to mention Moses Malone, Julius Irving and Maurice Cheeks. Then towards the end of his career a tough series against Isaiah Thomas, Bill Lambeer and Joe Dumars. He was finally beaten in the Finals in 1991 not only by his still undiagnosed HIV status, injuries to every member of his starting five, but by some guys you might know named Michael Jordan and Scottie Pippen. It’s a non-argument really, just something for the guys on PTI to kill time with. There will never be an era with better talent, dominated by one player as was the case with Magic Johnson. He won titles against exceptional players, not watered down wanna-bes.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Some idiot named Lauren Rosenberg is suing Google because while walking using Google Maps, she merged on to a highway and got hit by a car. I guess her own eyes and ears were busy doing something else. Suing Google because you decided to walk onto a highway? Are you fucking stupid? Maybe she should sue the mental health professional that cleared her to re-enter society.