The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2010

No matter how old I get, Christmas is the one thing I will never be an adult about. Hope yours was as good as mine.

Well kids, it’s that time of year again…

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – “So you're telling me that the separation of church and state, the phrase `separation of church and state,' is in the First Amendment?" - Christine O'Donnell, Delaware Senatorial debate, Oct. 19.

Me picking this gem over “I’m not a witch” is kinda like me saying my favorite song on “Nevermind” by Nirvana was “Come as You Are” as opposed to “Smells Like Teen Spirit.” In both cases, the album track was better than the big hit. This idiot provided us with a lot of great quotes, but anyone can say they are not a witch for any reason. I like this quote better because of its significance, not just its utter and complete stupidity. Think about it, she said this during a debate; for a National office, a Nation whose Constitution she has obviously never comprehended, much less read. Her logic can be equated to someone who gets hit by a car explaining the accident by saying “The sign said ‘Stop’ but it never said where so I stopped in the middle of the street.” And now there is word that O’Donnell is under Federal investigation. No surprise considering she has no verifiable source of income, yet managed to collect a great deal of money to run for Senate. How was she ever let out of the asylum?

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “Boardwalk Empire” Some of the historical inaccuracies can be overlooked by this really compelling storyline and attention to detail as far as the look of the era. I’m not saying that it is anywhere near what The Sopranos was, but it was enjoyable to watch.

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – The mid term elections had to be the weirdest, hardest fought and divisive in the recent history of the United States. So much seething anger and underlying racism I thought I was back in the 1950’s during the Civil Rights movement. When Teabaggers were saying “I want my country back,” usually on a misspelled sign, I began to ask myself, “Well, who is holding it hostage now?” Last I checked everyone in office was a United States citizen. Except for the president of course, who is from that foreign land known as Hawaii. It’s really sad how old white people are so afraid of change that they are bitter about opposing even what is best for the country. You know what else? It’s a shame that Obama might be a one term president, but I am confident that given the bitter opposition he faced at every turn, history will recognize how difficult it was for him to get anything done, and will weigh his accomplishments accordingly.

MOTHER OF THE YEAR – Usually this award is reserved for a fame hungry yenta who never got enough attention as a child and now wants to exploit her children. But like all things parenting related, we forget the contribution that fathers make. Just as pathetic as any Oprah-obsessed housefrau, fathers can also make significant contributions in the field of mental anguish and emotional damage to their children with their own selfish behavior. So this year, this award is divided equally between Cecil Newton, who’s selfishness and greed nearly cost his son his entire college football career, and the man who had a press conference to announce he will no longer be having press conferences, Michael Lohan. I don’t know the total level of crazy that Lindsay Lohan’s mom (that other pillar of stability) is running on these days, but with parents like these I’m not surprised that Lindsay is in no rush to get out of rehab.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Non- Fiction) – “Just Kids”/ Patti Smith. Is there anything this woman can’t do? I loved the Keith Richards autobiography cuz I love Keith Richards, but this story was so much more moving.

BOOK OF THE YEAR (Fiction) – Shit…I just realized I didn’t read fiction this year…sorry!

ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – LeBron James? Tiger Woods? A lot of lists are giving this award to Kanye West, but at this point that would be stating the obvious. Where were you last year when I gave him the award? Frontrunners! This year I have decided to go with BP CEO Tony Hayward. Not just for using cheap and badly maintained equipment drilling for oil in the Gulf of Mexico, not just because a foreseeable accident was somehow unforeseeable to this chief executive of an oil company. But that he has the audacity to complain about how this incident has affected his life. Yeah, while millions of gallons of raw petroleum are destroying the livelihoods of millions of Gulf coast residents, we all sympathize when you say “I’d like my life back.” Fuck you.

POLITITIAN OF THE YEAR – Jimmy McMillan. Say it with me one last time for ole’ times sake…”Rent…is too damn high!”

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part I” Sorry but I didn’t see a lot of movies this year and I really liked this one.

ACTOR WHO MANAGED TO GET HIMSELF INTO EVERY COOL MOVIE THIS YEAR: Jeff Bridges for “True Grit” and “TRON: Legacy”

DOCUMENTARY OF THE YEAR – “The Tillman Story” Once again I can’t recommend this one enough.

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “American Slang”/Gaslight Anthem

COOLEST SONG BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A BIG HIT – “Between The Lines”/Stone Temple Pilots

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Come Home”/ Chappo. Even though every Brooklyn band is beginning to sound the same, I like this song.

COOLEST BAND OF THE YEAR – Yeasayer

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – How could it not be the J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets!? A team that has not been relevant since the Nixon administration? Or how about the New Orleans Saints? Well it’s only when you are surpassed by what really is the greatest sports story of the year that these teams wouldn’t make the cut. Say what you want, but the University of Connecticut Lady Huskies are the team that really captured the imagination of real sports fans, breaking the previous record of 88 straight wins held by the UCLA Bruins. Now you can argue all you want about how the level of competition was different and the two records required different talent levels in order to be broken, but you can’t blame that on the Huskies anymore than you can blame the 1996 Chicago Bulls for NBA expansion during their 72 win season.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – How could it not be Michael Vick? Sure Tom Brady is the NFL MVP in a landslide breaking away from Vick mid-season, but whose story is better? The guy who did real time in a real jail then slowly but surely resurrected his career by atoning for his sins, taking a back up role then rising up to starting and then winning, or the guy who gets to bang a super model? Of course I’d rather be the guy banging the supermodel, but Vick makes for a better story. I want to notably mention that Jimmie Johnson won his record setting 5th Sprint Cup Championship even though I really don’t follow NASCAR (probably cuz I don’t wear cowboy boots or have intercourse with my relatives). But a great achievement none the less.

OVER-RATED ATHLETE(S) OF THE YEAR – Even though I’m actually glad that the Yankees didn’t blow a ton of cash on Cliff Lee and his constant back problems (not to mention the fact that the “great post-season ace” refuses to start games 1,4 and 7 in a playoff series, and just goes 1 then 5) I still believe that he could have been worth it. Terrell Owens and Chad Ochocinco (I can’t believe I’m actually acknowledging that ridiculous last name) however, are another story. Even after their reality TV show, and all the hype they generated about playing together, both are having career low seasons and Owens is out altogether. Even the traditional Owens “Throw my Quarterback under the bus” act couldn’t keep this team from underachieving. Their head coach is on the hot seat and might not have a job next year, and 4-11 going into this week isn’t exactly lighting it up is it?

BELOVED ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE – I don’t even know if you can still call him “beloved” considering Brett Favre is beginning to lose his lovability mojo by the minute. His team is in shambles as their now ex head coach Brad Childress, an asshole in his own right, was fired mid-season. Favre has thrown more interceptions than touchdowns, and every week it was a new daytime drama as to whether or not he would start that game and continue his streak of games started, or even play due to his various injuries, or just retire. Equally distracting were his off the field problems regarding some inappropriate text messages he was allegedly sending a female employee of the Jets. Issues that ultimately led to a $50,000 fine imposed by the NFL. It’s bad enough that Favre, who has done so much for the game of football, will leave the game after a horrible season riddled with injuries and off the field woes, but his lasting image (if you believe the inappropriate photos) will be that of a middle aged man masturbating on a bed in a lonely hotel room wearing plastic shoes.

RACIST OF THE YEAR – Mel Gibson for those classic voice mail messages. Dude, what were you thinking? Don’t you know that a skank with an agenda will tape everything you say?

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – In a year when so many interesting people dropped dead this year, it’s difficult to pick just one that stood above the rest. Lena Horne was an incredible artist, as was Dennis Hopper. Alex Chilton was one of my favorite musicians, JD Salinger one of my favorite authors. But I think this award goes to long time UCLA Bruins basketball head coach John Wooden. Don’t know why? Read the article about Wooden in the archive of this blog, June 5, 2010.

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

My Favorite Christmas Songs 12/16/10

I think it only fitting that on a week where I am listing my favorite Christmas songs, one of the artists on my list has finally and deservedly been nominated to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. No, I’m not talking about Alice Cooper and his jolly Christmas tunes (could you imagine that?), but the great Darlene Love. I was also impressed to see one of America’s greatest song writers, Tom Waits, finally be inducted as well, but fucking Neil Diamond? Look, one day I will go “Eddie Trunk” on you and write a scathing attack on the Rock and Roll Hall of LAME and their stupid nomination process (Grandmaster Flash and ABBA are in, Rush, Iron Maiden and KISS are still waiting…brilliant) but it’s Christmas and I’m officially in the spirit, so here is something that my older readers saw a few years ago…

As much as a good Christmas song can bring back wonderful childhood memories and immediately transport you to a simpler, happier time, a bad Christmas song (The Beach Boys, Beyonce, Mariah Carey) can make you wanna go on a three state killing spree. In hoping to avoid the latter, I have listed my all-time favorite Christmas songs, enjoy them as I have for so many great seasons. So here they are, in order this time…

MY ALL-TIME FAVORITE CHRISTMAS SONGS

Run Rudolph Run (1958)-Chuck Berry. If I properly researched this, I might find that this was probably the first Rock n Roll Christmas song. With Berry’s signature guitar keeping a story about Rudolph company, you would never think it would work, but it does.

Wonderful Christmastime (1979) - Paul McCartney. This song isn’t just cheesy, it is cheese. But I really like it. Remember, the list is my favorite Christmas songs, not the best Christmas songs.

Santa Claus Go Straight to the Ghetto (1968) - James Brown. Only the Godfather of Soul can tell Santa where to go. Telling him “you will see mothers/and Soul brothers,” just in case he forgets where he is.

Happy Xmas (War Is Over) (1971) - John Lennon. It was during his “advertising campaign for peace” that he wrote this song and even put up a few billboards around New York City. A bit naïve maybe, but in a good way.

All Alone on Christmas (1992) - Darlene Love. Yes it’s from a lame Home Alone movie, but what a great voice to go with a great message - nobody oughtta be, alone on Christmas.

Do They Know it’s Christmas (1984) - Band Aid. Another cheesy song, but I like it. And I like a lot of the people that were on it like U2, Sting, Peter Weller and Freddy Mercury just to name a few.

Christmas Time is Here (1965) - Vince Guaraldi Trio. Mena can attest to this. If you worked at Tower Records at Christmas, you know “A Charlie Brown Christmas” completely. They had been known to play it a few times during the holidays. Even now, I walked into a store yesterday and heard the subtle piano intro to this song, I was reminded as I have been so many years before, that Christmas time was surely here.

Christmas in Hollis (1987) - Run DMC. Run DMC can claim so many firsts when it comes to Hip-Hop. And this is the first accessible Christmas rap song. Sure Beat Street had one in 1984, but this one is better and doesn’t talk about spending your welfare money playing numbers.

The Christmas Song (1963) - Nat King Cole. This one means so much to me personally for so many reasons. But let’s just say that the haunting vocals by one of the greatest American singers ever make it special as well.

Christmas (Baby Please Come Home) (1987) - U2. The original was done by musical genius turned trigger-happy maniac Phil Spector, vocals by the great Darlene Love. But since I grew up on U2 I kinda like this version better. Don’t worry, Darlene Love does the background vocals on this one, so I can be forgiven.

Happy Holidays!

Change We Can Believe In...Or Negotiate Our Way Out Of 12/9/10

“Your blog reminds me of John Stewart; whose humor is funny enough to ignore his political views.” – John L.

This comes from someone I’ve known for decades, so I am taking it as a compliment.

NEWS

A few weeks ago President Barack Obama was conducting a town hall meeting when a woman approached the microphone and said “I’m tired of defending your administration.” Whimp! I thought. But this week, and on Pearl Harbor day, no less, word came down that a compromise had been reached that would extend the Bush era tax breaks another two years. I suddenly began to understand that woman’s anger. There is no reason why anyone making over $2.5 million a year needs a tax break, but I certainly could use one. I have so many problems with this, the first one being that he campaigned on this issue, and it really is something he should have fought for not for political gain, but because this country really needs it right now. And once again, he just didn’t sell it. Why not hammer home “tax breaks for the rich” or “millionaire bailout” the same way Republicans shoved the term “death panels” down the throat of the ignorant during the health care debate? Because when Republicans used broad terms it failed? Well did it ever occur to Democratic strategists that it failed because it was a lie, and that in this case, these tax breaks for “all Americans” do indeed include those who make millions a year and probably wouldn’t even notice it anyway?
From a purely political standpoint, this deal does make perfect sense. I know, I know, even his own party is leaning towards voting against him, but bear with me. It’s reminiscent of Bill (man was he cool) Clinton in 1994 after his party took a beating in the mid-term elections. If this “Clinton-esque” gamble should pay off, these tax cuts will expire at the beginning of his second term, when he can basically do whatever he wants. The gamble part being that he has to get elected to a second term, and I don’t know how that is going to happen. See, the difference between Obama and Clinton is that Republicans acknowledged when Clinton went “middle of the road” and gave in to Republican ideas; especially during future negotiations. Then again, Clinton never represented the change that Obama once did; Change that seems farther and farther away. Obama can’t get a break no matter what he does. He could resurrect the remains of Richard Nixon, put them in a bong and try to smoke them and it wouldn’t matter. Republicans with their limited vision will still just see a black man. A black man that was only voted into office because they backed a retard for 8 years prior.

Who the fuck is Donald Douglas? And why is he criticizing, of all things, Elizabeth Edwards’ final words posted on Facebook? As most of you know, Liz Edwards lost her long battle with cancer this week, and characteristically left us with an eloquent final good-bye. Absent from her address was any mention of God or Jesus, to which “American Power” blogger Douglas responded: "Being anti-religion is cool, so Edwards' non-theological theology gets props from the neo-communists…Still, at her death bed and giving what most folks are calling a final goodbye, Elizabeth Edwards couldn't find it somewhere down deep to ask for His blessings as she prepares for the hereafter? I guess that nihilism I've been discussing reaches up higher into the hard-left precincts than I thought." Why is it that the only ones mixing religion and politics always seem to be on the right? Did it ever occur to this idiot that Edwards choosing not to acknowledge your imaginary friend had nothing to do with politics and everything to do with her personal beliefs? Beliefs which the Constitution you say you love entitles her to.

SPORTS

I’m sure the Yankees deserve all the criticism they get from the Boston Red Sox. In this day and age when so many championships are merely bought through the use of free agency then sold off once it’s won, how refreshing it is to finally see a team like the Red Sox, building its franchise up from scratch. I mean it’s not like they would attack the Yankees' spending habits then go out and spend $142 million on Carl Crawford or anything. Not to mention make a play for Mariano Rivera. I’m sure Jonathan Papelbon, who has saved so many games for them, feels really loved and wanted in Boston now. Just how do they expect to keep him happy for the rest of the year? This really makes me laugh. See, here’s what the Red Sox will never get over…Yankees don’t go to Boston, but Red Sox, career Red Sox, I might add, have been known to come to New York. And they come here to do what they couldn’t do in Boston for many decades…win. Do I have to list them, or have you perennial losers suffered enough? Wade Boggs, Roger Clemens, oh sorry, got carried away there for a minute…

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Whenever you put a microphone in a ballplayer’s face to discuss something other than a curve ball or the fundamentals of hitting, you suffer what I like to call “the John Rocker effect.” Exactly what happened when Luke Scott of the Baltimore Orioles showed up at baseball’s winter meetings to talk about…hunting? Which naturally led to the second amendment, which led to the President. Scott said, and I quote, "[Obama] was not born here, that's my belief. I was born here. If someone accuses me of not being born here, I can go - within 10 minutes - to my filing cabinet and I can pick up my real birth certificate and I can go, 'See? Look! Here it is. Here it is.' The man has dodged everything. He dodges questions, he doesn't answer anything. And why? Because he's hiding something." Wow…brilliant conclusion. I guess Hawaii has yet to join the Union. How did this guy hit 27 homeruns last year without a brain? Don’t you need a brain to hit the ball? For hand-eye cordination at least?

Pull Over...I Gotta Take a WikiLeak 12/2/10

I don’t know about you, but I’m already in the Christmas spirit…Ho Ho Ho!!

NEWS

I was a bit worried about WikiLeaks and the sensitive documents that they put online because CNN made it sound as if they were giving away troop position coordinates in Afghanistan. The subject matter of the leaks were certainly not that sensitive. Not that I really want foreign heads of state knowing what assholes we think they are, but until anyone’s life really is in danger I doubt the authorities have a case. Remember there is a difference between dirty laundry and actual sensitive information that could cost lives. So until a life is lost due to this website, I don’t see what anyone can do. And ever since this story broke, reclusive WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has been put on Interpol’s most wanted list for an alleged rape in Sweden. They put you on the most wanted list for that? Why isn’t Roman Polanski on it then? I don’t know what this guy did or didn’t do, but the timing of these charges coinciding with this latest and most serious round of document leaking is questionable at best.
And how has the keen intellect of the right in America responded? Republican Rep. Peter King asked the State Department if WikiLeaks can be designated a terrorist organization. A website/terrorist organization? Brilliant. Sen. Joe Lieberman has called on the United States and other governments to shut down WikiLeaks. Censorship? How American! And my favorite, Sarah Palin, blamed President Barack Obama's "incompetence" for the leaks, as she so brilliantly equated the current state of affairs with a website posting pages of her new book without her permission. At this point, Ms Palin should be more concerned about being able to determine the difference between North and South Korea. As she said when asked about the current tension on the Korean Peninsula, and I quote, “We gotta stand with our North Korean allies.” I am very concerned that there is a segment of the population that wants a woman who doesn’t know which side we are on to have nuclear launch codes.
However, before Assnage should meet his fate in a harsh Swedish jail/day spa, I do hope WikiLeaks is able go along with this idea… Early next year, WikiLeaks will publish tens of thousands of internal documents from a major U.S. bank, exposing the institution's rampant corruption and unethical practices and executives' brazen self-interest, Assange said in an exclusive interview with Forbes magazine. He also said the website plans a wave of new leaks from the corporate sector, including damaging documents from pharmaceutical companies, energy and oil companies and many banks.

So what’s this I hear about a Twitter campaign where Kim Kardashian, Lady Gaga, Justin Timberlake and some other people I find totally irrelevant supposedly “die” and don’t tweet anymore? Is this true death or yet another self important promotion disguised as sacrifice and support for a good cause? Seriously if not being a slave to your Twitter account for a few days so that you can’t inform the rest of the world what color your latest crap is counts as some sort of charitable sacrifice I recommend 9 weeks of boot camp for these delusional shitheads. This campaign would backfire royally if this country were inhabited by smarter people, the drawback being that whatever AIDS charity they are working with wouldn’t see a dime.
But imagine if this meant that we would never actually hear from them ever again as if they were really dead? Had that been the case I would have gladly surrendered my credit card number. Stephen Colbert said it best, “How about you raise only $999,999.99…and have the best of both worlds.”

SPORTS

You know why I didn’t comment too much about the Derek Jeter situation? Because there was no fucking way it wasn’t going to be resolved without Jeter ending up as a Yankee. Both sides had good arguments, but come on, what’s a few million amongst good friends? I’ll tell you a story I’m much more into is the possibility that the Yanks could trade for Zack Greinke, as he has waived his no trade clause with the Royals only if the Yankees are interested (Odd considering that one of the teams in his no-trade clause was reportedly The Yankees). Look, I know Cliff Lee is the ass everyone is kissing, but Greinke is a far better pitcher than his numbers should indicate, remember he plays in Kansas City. I think the Rangers end up with Lee anyway, so why not go for a younger arm for less money that can just as easily play second fiddle to CC Sabathia.

I really don’t give a shit whether or not LeBron James throws talcum powder into the air in Cleveland tonight…really.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Spiderman: The Musical

Huh? 11/18/10

NEWS
What the Hell is this “Censure” bullshit? Is this Congress’ way of scolding an 80 year old man? It’s ridiculous. If Charles Rangel did something wrong (which he did) he should be punished for it with something beyond just words. Granted, being “careless” with your financial records shouldn’t get you the political death penalty, especially when even Blake Chisam, counsel for the Ethics Committee, says that “I see no evidence of corruption” in anything Rangel did. But if we are going to hold our politicians to a higher standard, then let’s hold them to a higher standard. And I could give two shits what the Congressional Black Caucus thinks about it. If they want to maintain any sort of political credibility, they will not crow too loudly about the unfairness of the process. And I hardly ever agree with Ronald Martin of CNN, but he kept it uncharacteristically objective and made a great point in saying that Rangel shouldn’t complain about not having attorneys in his defense when he was the one who fired the firm that was working on his case. And Martin reminded all of us that this is not a court proceeding, so Rangel cackling on about Due Process of law holds no weight.
And on a different but semi-related matter, that Brianna Keilar from CNN is hot isn’t she?

SPORTS
Roy Halladay was a no-brainer for the Cy Young in the National League, but Felix Hernandez in the American League? Really? The guy had only 13 wins. Look, I know nit picking stat geeks will say whatever they want about the numbers, but the ability to use a calculator doesn’t mean you know anything about baseball. I’m not saying that number of innings pitched and Earned Run Average mean nothing, but let’s keep this in some type of perspective: Ultimately you want your best pitcher to actually win games, which like it or not, Hernandez did only 13 times. This means that unlike David Price and CC Sabathia, no one faced Hernandez afraid. Hernandez never pitched during a losing streak (and there were certainly a few in Seattle this year) with the notion that he was going to stop the bleeding. Sabathia had 21 wins for a team that made it to the League Championship Series, and Price’s Tampa Bay Rays were in first place most of the season.
Now the argument can be made that last year Tim Lincecum won the award with only 15 wins, but Lincecum didn’t have double digit losses, and was dominant. Hernandez had 12 losses. Even if the Mariners didn’t hit for him, 12 losses against 13 wins for a Cy Young Award winner is not very common.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

How can Sarah Palin have written not one, but two books when this woman has all the intellect of a drunken squirrel? Excerpts from her latest opus have her attacking “American Idol” for giving kids unrealistic expectations. When asked to amplify that statement, she said she couldn’t right now cause she was too busy watching her teen mom daughter Bristol on “Dancing With the Stars.”
You know this brain hemorrhage of a woman had the nerve to say she thinks she could beat Obama in 2012. I really want her to believe that.

The Michael Lohan of College Football 11/11/10

“Homeless Veteran”…a phrase that should not exist in the most powerful nation in the world!

It was a slow news week this week, and since Barack Obama is on the other side of the world and can’t really be attacked by his sub-moronic haters in real time I thought I would talk about something I liked, but that still pisses me off for some reason…

SPORTS

Sorry I’m late, but Brett Favre was sending me dirty text messages!

How ironic would it be if Jerry Jones had to host not only division rivals the New York Giants, but the New York J-E-T-S JestJetsJets! in this year’s Super Bowl? Both teams do look really good. The Giants are steady as they always are, but the Jets are winning with a personality that hasn’t been seen since the Willie Joe Namath days. The jolt of character clearly coming from their head coach Rex Ryan, who this week dressed as his twin brother Rob during a press conference in Cleveland, where Rob is an assistant. Hey Rex, the wig was cute but fake belly wasn’t necessary.

Who is Dez Bryant, more importantly who does he think he is, and why the fuck is he wearing Michael Irvin’s number 88? Michael Irvin is an NFL Hall of Fame football player who won three Super Bowls with the Dallas Cowboys. Dez Bryant isn’t as likeable as Irvin, isn’t as good a team mate as Irvin, and sure as Hell isn’t as talented as Irvin. And where is the fan outrage? Remember when Latroy Hawkins wore Paul O’ Neill’s number 21 and Yankee fans went batshit? I thought the Cowboys are supposed to be the Yankees of the NFL?
For those who don’t remember, this is the asshole that refused to carry Roy William’s pads during training camp, a harmless initiation rite for rookies. Well the team stayed quiet about it and waited until Bryant offered to take the Offensive players out to dinner. Well the defense showed up and ran up a bill of nearly $55,000. Next time carry the pads, rookie. Why is he allowed to wear Michael Irvin’s number? Why?
As for Wade Phillips, I’ve never advocated for anyone losing his job, but it really was time for a coaching change. I remember when Jason Garrett was Troy Aikman’s back up and he won that game on Thanksgiving Day. Let’s see what happens.

Why is anyone surprised that Brad Childress is hated in his own locker room? Isn’t this the same asshole that cut Marcus Robinson on Christmas Eve? But the players shouldn’t come out like punks and snitches. If you are tough guys, don’t make your comments and hide behind anonymity and the press, say it to his face.

Those who said Derek Jeter had lost a step on the field suuuure were proven right this week after Jeter won his 5th Gold Glove. Jeter is still the best shortstop in the game, much like Michael Jordan was the best player in the NBA even at 36. Congrats to Robinson Cano and Mark Teixiera for their awards too. Alex Rodriguez just can’t get a break can he? He is the only guy in the Yankee infield without one this year, and he played well. Ahh Brian Cashman…sign Jeter and Mariano Rivera and entertain Cliff Lee and his back problems later. Unless of course you are a genius and have already signed them and are just distracting us with your brilliance. And I hate to admit this, but good call on Jesus Montero. He is the real deal and should be allowed to compete for the starting catcher’s job. I love Jorge Posada, but he really struggled throwing guys out at second base this year.

Everyone should be innocent until proven guilty, but we all know that’s not the case. That’s why I hate this developing story about Auburn Quarterback Cam Newton. It’s bad enough that college players are tempted to cheat at every turn, but when your own father is asking schools for money, it’s a complete disgrace if it’s true. The fact that Cecil Newton had been truculent and vague when asked about the situation doesn’t help at all. A simple “I never took money from any school recruiting my son,” would have sufficed. If these allegations are true, this man is a pitiful excuse for a parent and mentor to his child. Teaching him to cheat and take the easy way out won’t help him if he gets injured and can’t read. See, this is what happens when everyone around an athlete has their mouths open and their hands out. Too many hangers on and lowlifes can ruin a kid’s career before it even gets off the ground. But to have one of those losers be your own father is an outright shame. Cecil Newton is the Michael Lohan of College Football.
His son is the front runner for the Heisman trophy, why would you ruin his chances, especially after the whole Reggie Bush fiasco? The climate being what it is, there is no way the Heisman voters are simply going to ignore the allegations and vote for Cam Newton, even if ignoring them is what they should do. Should Cam Newton not win it, he can thank his father. Now let’s say the self-righteous win out, and Newton gets his well deserved award. Given that it is received by the most outstanding player on the field, which he is this year by far, I say its how it should be. But what if the allegations are proven true? Surely they will rescind the award, but then who gets it? Will they leave it vacant like they did the year Reggie Bush won? That would really suck. I hope the Heisman Committee has some safeguards in place because they don’t need another blemish on the integrity of the award.

Washington...We Have a Problem 11/4/10

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

As I was leaving my polling site, I actually ran into a candidate I voted for…that’s twice in the last two elections. Am I on a roll, or is a black cat about to cross my path?
I don’t know what to make of this election, other than maybe this is exactly what the nation needed. Perhaps a few unqualified crazies let loose on Congress might wake voters up to take the process a bit more seriously, or at the very least get rural America to quit voting against their own interests. Nancy Pelosi is out as Speaker of the House, and maybe that’s not such a bad thing either. Let’s be honest, she just couldn’t get anyone to come together. It was nice to see so many women candidates win, but I would rather they be on our side. In short, this is really not the end of the world. President Obama couldn’t get obstructionist Republicans to budge on anything anyway, so losing a few seats isn’t gonna change much. And Democrats, take heed…you lost because you failed to use the misguided anger and ignorance gripping this country to your advantage. Taxes are lower, the stimulus worked and didn’t cost us anything because the loans have been repaid, the health care bill is also gonna cover the idiots who voted against it, and we are slowly but surely getting out of two misguided wars. These things I already know, but the rest of the country does not. And why? Because Democrats didn’t sell it. They were so busy assuming that the public knew things were improving they forgot to remind them. And reminders are what voters need. How do you expect to win an election if you don’t run on your own record of achievement? Remember we are dealing with people that misspell their own protest signs and tell the Government to keep their hands off Medicare, a government program. When dealing with a voting public that is 23rd in the world in education and working with an attention span of a fucking squirrel, it would be wise to keep reminding them of the goings on in government. And since fear seems to work, why not remind these people that we have no reason to wave the big, foam “We’re number 1” finger anymore? China has faster super computers, a better railroad infrastructure and a rapidly increasing economy. Brazil is energy independent, and the chicks are considerably hotter. France, yeah France, those snail eating assholes have a better healthcare system than we do. There is a lot we can learn from the rest of the World, and the less we are willing, the further we fall behind. Let’s start with the cessation of celebrating stupid.
And just after writing that, California chimes in with these little gems…One woman candidate did win for the Democrats. State Senator of California Jenny Oropeza got 58.4% of the vote over her Republican challenger, but didn’t respond when I called to congratulate her. Probably because she has been dead for about a month due to a blood clot in her abdomen. It’s not the fact that she was still on the ballot that bothered me, I guess they couldn’t get her name off on time, and it isn’t the fact that she got some votes. It is however, the fact that 58.4% of that district’s voters are brain dead. Wow, maybe these nitwits just aren’t ready for legalized pot. Proposition 19, the measure that would have legalized pot for personal use, was also defeated. Of all the props in this election, this one clearly had the best argument (remember how well prohibition worked?), and democrats were just too afraid to make it. Don’t wonder why you lost.


On a positive note, that Zack Galifa-whatever-the-fuck-his-name-is lighting one up on Realtime with Bill Maher was pretty hysterical




SPORTS

I don’t know if you can count me calling the Giants “the most interesting team” in the playoffs (JB Random Report 10/7/10) qualifies as me making a prediction, but I’m still glad they won. Being a baseball fan, not someone who only knows their own era, I couldn’t help thinking about all the great players that never won a title with the San Francisco Giants, but spent their prime career years there. There must be something great about a city that keeps great players there when they could be winning titles somewhere else. Think about it, when was the last time a great player in his prime actually left the Giants to play somewhere else? Last I checked, Barry Zito, Jeff Kent, and Barry Bonds didn’t flee from the Giants, they went to the Giants. Then think of the Hall of Fame players that spent their entire significant career years in the city by the bay without winning a title. Guys like Willie McCovey, Orlando Cepeda, Gaylord Perry and the great Juan Marichal. There must be something about that place. I have visited it a few times and can tell you it really is one of the most beautiful cities in the country, but even that comes second to the appreciation this team gets from its loyal fan base. I will always remember the Giants as a team that always had great players, but could never win a World Series. That was true before I was even born, but remember 1993? The year when John Burkett and Billy Swift both won 20 games and Rod Beck and his insane moustache combined for 48 saves? Barry Bonds and Matt Williams combined for 84 homeruns and the Giants ended up losing a heartbreaking one game playoff to the Dodgers that year. Then 2002 when they were one game away from winning it all. Like everything in life, I guess it really was their time.

As for the Yankees, everyone already seems to have penciled in Cliff Lee to the roster, as if there is no way he would go anywhere else. I would rather the guys they already have step it up a bit. It wasn’t the Yankees' $210 million payroll that won last year; it was the desire to win after 9 years of losing.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK I have no fucking idea who Demi Lovato is, but apparently she is some former Disney Channel star who has now entered rehab for some reason? Usually I could give two shits but then I thought maybe it was for drugs and alcohol, or a really cool sex addiction? Imagine my disappointment when this idiot cited, “issues with my childhood” because she threw a temper tantrum at a back up dancer. Yeah…I’m sure Charlie Sheen and Keith Richards are shitting themselves. Why do we continue to make people famous who have done nothing? And when is this waste of space finally gonna release a sex tape?

Rent...Is Too Damn High! 10/21/10

NEWS

Tired of the same crap on TV? Then you have to start an e-mail campaign to get a gubernatorial debate in New York to be shown once a week, with all the candidates present. Sure we know that Andrew Cuomo is the only candidate who has any chance of winning, but that was because we believed Carl Paladino was the only candidate who was “mad as Hell and not gonna take it anymore!” and belonged in a mental hospital. Ignorant of course, until we saw who else thinks they can win…

Well, there is Charles Barron who has a scorching case of anger management issues and just hates everyone. He has no real plan except to bash the only man who can win; a mistake considering that he is a fellow democrat whose ass he will be kissing later. Then there are former hooker turned politician (not a far stretch) Kristin Davis, and Jimmy McMillan, of the “Rent is Too Damn High Party,” who is just a complete maniac. Clearly the most entertaining candidate of the evening, with an odd beard and obvious OCD issues because he wears these ridiculous black gloves even indoors. He did provide us however, with the quote of the entire debate, “As a Karate expert, I won’t talk about anyone up here, but our children have no place to live.” Now, that’s classic. He’s got my vote!
On a serious note (If that’s even possible) there were two lesser party candidates who really did make a good impression on me as intelligent competent people, but when you have a free society like we do, even maniacs get to have a say, and that can dilute the message of serious smaller party candidates like Howard Hawkins of the Green Party and Warren Redlich of the Libertarian Party.

NPR has fired longtime news analyst Juan Williams after he went on Bill O’Reilly and said that he gets nervous when he sees Muslims on airplanes. Doesn't everyone? Williams also said political correctness could "lead to some kind of paralysis, where you don't address reality." After Bill O’Reilly wet himself over the fact that this was coming from a black guy, he went on to agree with everything Williams said.

SPORTS

Yankee fans fear not, Cliff Lee is a dog they won’t get bitten by twice. The Yankees know how to adjust. I’m having a ball watching the “other” series, the Giants and Phillies. Great pitching match-ups and timely hitting.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

So I was standing in line at Duane Reade with my daily supply of drugs, cookies and soft core porn when I saw the cover of one of those retarded tabloids and the headline was “Teen Mom Shocker” or some shit like that. Apparently this is a show on MTV now? Fucking really? Is this how far our society has fallen, where our desperately sought after fifteen minutes of fame can now be obtained by out of wedlock impregnation of a minor? Isn’t that a felony? Now you can get on the cover of Star? Its bad enough you have these bimbos who are famous for making sex tapes or having a big ass, now it’s parading around a teen pregnancy? I do not long for the 1950’s where a girl like this would be shunned off to a distant relative, or for stoning this poor fool to death like they do in Iran, but certainly this is not to be celebrated. And MTV, how can you prey on a teenaged girl whose lifelong dream was to be on TV but doesn’t even have the good judgment to use birth control? Can this be called anything but exploitation? Can we arrest MTV?