The JB Random Report 11/24/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

OK now even the fucking drywall that we get from China is tainted. It damages homes and might even cause health problems. Just ask New Orleans Saints head coach Sean Payton, he was on CNN complaining that the fumes and chipping of the drywall caused electrical failure in his home. After an investigation, 3 noxious gasses were found in the drywall, and a class action suit has been filed by homeowners in Florida, Louisiana and Virginia…good luck collecting. Whether it’s lead paint on children’s toys, red eggs, and now drywall, it really is time to stop buying shit from these people before they kill us.
Now I have to admit, the Chinese do get an “A” for effort, at least when it’s their own people getting poisoned. Yesterday they executed a dairy farmer and a milk salesman for their roles in a scheme to boost profits by lacing milk powder with the industrial chemical melamine; another 19 were convicted and received lesser sentences. At least six children died after drinking the tainted formula, and more than 300,000 got sick. And I didn’t know that China executes more people than the rest of the world combined…even more than Texas! Damn…one more thing they beat us in.

I have always said that California should be allowed to cecede from the Union, their ridiculous criminal justice system lets famous people repeatedly get away with murder, they have a steady stream of natural disasters including, but not limited to, rouge waves, earthquakes and wildfires, and to win an elected office all you have to do is be an aging medicore movie actor (Ronald Reagan, Arnold Shwarzenegger), a pot smoking ex-flower child (Jerry Brown) or just an asshole (Willie Brown).
One thing they do have though, is the nation's most permissive medical marijuana law. Almost a step in the right direction until… Some California children with attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or ADHD, are now being treated with marijuana. Nice move, government-that-is-charged-with-protecting-me-and-my-family. Needless to say there are some people that might have a problem with the state getting their kids high. California has issued over 36,000 medical marijuana cards since 2004. Mind you, since ganja has yet to be put through the FDA approval process, very few reliable studies have been conducted to show how it may affect ADHD. But let’s get the kids high anyway! It will shut them up and give them the munchies for a few hours, leaving the shitty parents free to watch the Home Shopping Network and download porn.

SPORTS

Remember back in week 5 when I told J-E-T-S Jets Jets Jets! fans not to worry? Well…you can worry now. After starting so well that team is in deep trouble. They can’t seem to score or make a stop, and that is kinda what you have to do to win football games.

As I predicted (JB Random Report 9/4/09) Joe Mauer is the AL MVP, but I didn’t think he would get so many first place votes. I really thought that Mark Teixiera and Derek Jeter would split the vote and Mauer would win, not that Mauer would dominate the voting…Yankee haters! Joe Mauer did not bring order to the Universe!
As for Albert Pujols, well I really can’t think of anyone else that had a better year so good for him. He only led or was in the top 5 in every offensive category. Now in a 9 year career, this guy has actually put up better numbers than Hank Aaron and in fewer at bats. I always said that despite the steroid era, we are seeing some all time greats play the game. Mariano Rivera, Randy Johnson, Ken Griffey Jr, and Derek Jeter of course come to mind, but it’s time to add Pujols to that list as well.

Is “Physicality” actually a word?

For those of you unfamiliar with college football, let me give you an image…what managing the New York Yankees is to baseball, coaching Notre Dame is to college football…a thankless job unless you win a national championship every year. That’s why the faint sound of trumpets playing “Taps” that you hear coming from the South Bend, Indiana area is a requiem for Charlie Weis’ tenure there. It’s unfair to blame it all on Weis, it’s tough to turn a college team around, I mean it’s not like there are veteran free agents to sign after every season. Since the departure of the legendary Lou Holtz, the three coaches since then have had nearly identical barely over .500 records, and unless they gamble on a big name with a proven record, it looks like there will be lean times for a while at the golden dome.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK Someone please tell me what the fuck this thing is? I can just hear it now, "Hon, let's take this big pink, 'fuck you' mobile to the prom."

The JB Random Report 11/18/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So Sarah Palin’s book came out this week, I can’t say I’ve read it or that I intend to, so I really can’t comment about it other than that I am a bit surprised that she can read and write. It was no surprise that she trashes everyone that ever tried to turn her into a viable candidate instead of a Moose-killing redneck. Readers were shocked however, when she said that she is not eyeing the presidency in 2012. I’m not shocked, when pressed for a reason why, she said it was because Jesus is coming to end the world in 2012.

I don’t usually agree with Republicans, but even a broken clock is right twice a day. That’s why John McCain is right when he said that the fucktards that we have in Gitmo should be tried by military tribunals, and not in Federal Court in New York City, a few mere blocks away from where the events of September 11th, 2001 took place.
Military justice is considerably more efficient, and there is no way you are going to find 12 New York City jurors impartial about September 11th. Military officers are under a duty to be impartial, and the dereliction of such would result in severe penalties, not the case for civilian jurors.
I’m not here to teach law, but if I may briefly explain that Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and many others like him were captured during a military operation, they were held in a military prison on a military base. They have been repeatedly referred to as “enemy combatants” as defined by the Uniform Code of Military Justice. If they had the same rights as a criminal defendant in the United States, they would have to have their cases dismissed for violation of the 6th Amendment of the Constitution (that’s the right to a speedy trial). To muddle that field between enemy combatants and mere criminals will provide these defendants with appeal material that could prevent justice being served for years.
As for security, I believe the NYPD is somewhat capable of handling it. Those guys are so wound up they will arrest you for putting your foot on a subway seat. If they do have any problems, then by all means call the Arkansas PD (see below).

SPORTS

I hate to say that it was a fair fight…but it was. Manny Paquiao didn’t load his gloves against Miguel Cotto like Margarito did, and he still managed to give him a pretty good beating. I still like Cotto a lot, and I don’t think that he lost so badly as to end his career. As for Paquiao, it really is time to discuss a fight with Floyd Mayweather Jr. seriously. There really is no one of any real significance left to fight (with all due respect to Shane Mosely). And if I may be so bold as to make a prediction...that fight will break any and all pay per view records.

I’m officially on an Allen Iverson watch. Since the malcontent bolted from Memphis, speculation has been varied as to which team he will ruin next. Some say back to Denver, others say joining Larry Brown (the only coach he seems to listen to) in Charlotte, and the dark horse, believe it or not, is the New York Knicks. As for the Knicks, I say “why not?” Iverson is clearly a cancer, but the Knicks are already so full of malignant tumors that it really won’t matter. Think about it…the knock on Iverson is that he destroys team chemistry, has no leadership skills and sets a bad example. With the Knicks, there is no team chemistry to destroy, no leadership and no upstanding citizens, so why not? He is still a name, still a draw and can still play. Given the fact that more people attended my cousin’s Super Bowl party than go to Knick games on any given night, it really isn’t a bad idea. Knicks President Donnie Walsh seems to agree with me, as he said that if Iverson clears waivers, he may claim him without having to eat his bloated contract for Thanksgiving.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

In the progressive town of Ozark, Arkansas, Police Officer Dustin Bradshaw responded to a domestic distrubance call after a 10 year old girl’s mother called police. According to the report, the officer found the girl on the floor of the house screaming and crying. She refused to follow her mother's instructions, and the mother told Bradshaw to use his Taser, and he actually did. Amazing. Needless to say, the father is a bit upset. What’s the matter, did they run out of 70 year old women to taser?
There’s a Facebook group for you…”Advocates for the Liberal Use of Tasers.”

The JB Random Report 11/11/09

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Can you believe that it was 20 years ago this week that the Berlin Wall came down? Do you remember where you were? I was still in grade school and it seemed that every week there was a new world event to talk about. What an incredible time that was. Tiananmen Square happened just a few months before, and a few weeks after the wall came down, in the beginning of 1990, Nelson Mandela would be released from a South African prison, apartheid being on its way to just a stain on history. It was an amazing time to be alive really.

Iran finally got around to actually charging three Americans detained on the border with Iraq of espionage on Monday, the first signal that they intend to put them on trial. The fact that these backward assholes are using human beings as bargaining chips is repulsive, and the lack of outrage in the rest of the world is further proof that we have a long way to go before restoring our position internationally.
Shane Bauer, Sarah Shourd and Josh Fattal, all graduates of the University of California, Berkeley, were arrested July 31 after straying over the Iranian border from northern Iraq. The U.S. government and their families say there were on a hiking vacation and crossed accidentally. Not hard to believe since none of them have military backgrounds, they were all caught together, and really how much of Iran’s government secrets are hidden on the border with Iraq?

Does anyone really wanna see Aerosmith with another lead singer? Two words…”Journey” and “guy they found in a Kareoke bar” Ok that was more wasn’t it? Anyway Steven Tyler, for reasons I have yet to fathom, has decided to leave the band.

SPORTS

As I still bask in the glow that is the World Series win for the greatest franchise in the history of sports, I couldn’t help but noticing asshole extraordinaire Jay Mariotti kissing Alex Rodriguez’ ass last week, after he had trashed him for so long. I guess winning really does have unanticipated rewards. Congratulations to Mark Teixiera and Derek Jeter for their Gold Glove winning performances in the field this year, guess those "range" problems were not a factor this year, sorry haters. A-Rod would have gotten one at 3rd base had he played the whole year.
Am I the only one who finds Nick Swisher’s overbite a bit disturbing? Let me give you an image…Think Billy Bob Thornton in “Sling Blade” drooling out, “like them French fried taters…umm hummm” There…now aren’t you scared shitless?

So it only took Allen Iverson one game to disrupt an already awful Memphis Grizzlies team. What made anyone think that he would ever be content coming off the bench?

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

It’s a tie…


Sen. David Vitter (R-La.), last week this asshole had a heated exchange with one of his own constituents at a town hall meeting. She questioned him after he voted against, I’m serious, against, a bill that would protect rape victim’s rights to take their attackers to court. The bill stems from a 2007 case in which a Halliburton employee accused several co-workers of raping her when she was working for the company in Iraq.
Her employment contract specifically required her to settle her complaint in arbitration rather than in criminal court. Sen. Al Franken (D-Minn.) (yeah that Al Franken) sponsored an amendment to the defense spending bill to block federal funding from government contractors with similar employment contracts. Vitter joined 29 Republicans in opposing the measure, which passed the Senate 68 to 30 in October. Republicans at the time said it would give Congress too much influence over Pentagon contracts. I’m sure rape victims who vote think that type of oversight would be OK. Seriously what the fuck is wrong with these people that they are willing to vote against rape victims for the sake of partisanship?

Joe Jackson. What type of asshole abuses his son so badly that he disfigures himself with plastic surgery in a disturbing display of self loathing, then dies due to an overdose of prescription drugs and painkillers? Then after his death, how can you have the audacity to act surprised when he totally cuts you out of his will? Further, how big of an asshole must you be when you whine about only getting 15,000 a month from your dead son’s estate, so you commence a frivolous lawsuit to gain control of his money? This is a despicable man who continues to abuse a talented but severely flawed human being even after his death. I rarely think anyone in the legal profession is worthy of praise, but Judge Mitchell Beckloff should be commended for dismissing this bullshit suit.

HAVE A REFLECTIVE, PEACEFUL VETERANS DAY

Order Has Been Restored To The Universe

IS THERE REALLY ANYTHING ELSE WORTH TALKING ABOUT?

(Long pause…….deep breath…) Is there really anything else to discuss when witnessing destiny, except well, destiny? As I watched the greatest sports franchise in the history of sport win its 27th world championship, all I could really see was the dark cloud finally lifting as the World Series trophy made its way back to the city, the team, the place where it truly belongs.

BANZAI MATSUI-SAN!!!!!

Hideki Matsui and Johnny Damon might not both stay with the Yankees next year. And I have a feeling that Matsui wants to return to Japan a conquering hero with not only a World Series ring, but the MVP award as well. Giving the award to a DH is not the norm, but .615 3 HR 8 RBI are sick numbers for sure. If it has to come down to a decision, Damon still has some speed in those wheels and a decent glove, where as Matsui just doesn’t play the field well anymore. I have a feeling that he goes home, and he has earned the right to either go out or stay as he pleases. If he comes back primarily as a DH, he should be welcomed, even though I know the team wants to develop the younger guys at the DH spot like Shelly Duncan or just bring up some new guys in general like Ramiro Pena or Juan Miranda. So “Sayonara”…umm maybe.

THE HOUSE THE FOUR BUILT

New stadium, same result. Yes the Yankees spend a lot of money, but at least they put that money on the field. It was only fitting that they won their first world series of the new Yankee Stadium era in well, the new Yankee Stadium. Who knows? Eventually maybe it will feel like home. For a team that has long been accused of buy teams to win, maybe it has gone unnoticed that their core of players for over a decade have been home grown, as is their up and coming talent like Melky Cabrera, Robinson Cano, Joba Chamberlain, and Phil Hughes. Maybe for this newer generation of home grown players it will be home, but for the four guys who originally won it all in 1996 and are still there, the old place will certainly be impossible to shake off. It was those four however, that brought winning back to the Bronx. Let’s not forget that it had been 18 years since the Yankees had won a World Series, till four guys who came up in 1996 full time helped make it happen…
Andy Pettitte had no business in Houston, even he knows that. 18 post season wins is the greatest ever, and it happened right here. Derek Jeter will go down in history as one of the greatest post season Yankees ever with a .321 World Series average, with 27 more at bats than Babe Ruth and 38 more than Lou Gehrig. Jorge Posada cemented his place as one of the greatest Yankee catchers ever, a difficult table to sit at with the likes of Yogi Berra, Elston Howard, Bill Dickey and Thurmon Munson already there. Ah yes, and then there is Mariano Rivera. Not only the greatest closer ever, but the greatest post season closer as well, and my favorite Yankee. Wanna know his World Series ERA? .099 in 36.1 innings. Yeah that’s in another world. Jeter and Rivera are in the Hall of Fame for sure, Pettitte has 229 wins, and if he gets to 250 wins, with 5 rings and being a lefty, he has a legitimate chance at the Hall of Fame although the ERA is a bit high. They will all be there in pinstripes.

AND…

Say what you will, but after all the growing pains it took for this guy to finally earn his pinstripes, Alex Rodriguez deserves this ring just as much as anyone. From the steroid controversy, to the hip surgery, to years of disappointing post seasons and never seeming to gel with this team, he truly has come a long way. It’s time to stop booing the 3 time MVP and cut him some slack. He had an amazing post season (finally), he bonded with his teammates, particularly the younger guys and he is a big reason why the Yankees even made it to the World Series.

The Los Angeles Lakers, North Carolina Tar Heels and now the New York Yankees, I think this is the first time that 3 of my favorite teams all win championships in the same year. I’m doing well.

Not to beat a dead horse, (ah, why not) but at this point is there any doubt that George W Bush is by far and wide, the worst President in the history of the United States? On his watch (besides the obvious) the Yankees did not win any World Series titles, and the Boston Red Sox actually won 2. Now, we have a competent president, a recovering economy, and the New York Yankees are once again champions of baseball. Order has been restored to the Universe…