NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS
Looks like Hillary Clinton is being tapped to be Barack Obama’s Secretary of State. Believe it or not, this would actually be a perfect job for her. One of the greatest Secretaries of state in recent memory was Henry Kissinger. Kissinger was a master at negotiations and diplomacy, but more importantly, he was the perfect contrast to the president he was serving at the time, Emperor Nero oops, I meant Richard Nixon. Clinton is clearly no Kissinger, but let me tell you what she does bring to the table…the perfect contrast. Having a Secretary of State as hawkish as Clinton would give Obama the freedom to either agree with her when she is right, or use her as a buffer between him and other world leaders when he either disagrees with her outright, or wants to take a softer position on the matter. When he wants to take a stand on an issue, but doesn’t want to look like he is taking one, she is the perfect go-between. In short, it’s a “good cop, bad cop” situation where Obama would be the “good cop.”
Clinton does bring a good deal of foreign policy experience to the table as well, and not to mention that she is well known internationally. Notice how I used the term “well known,” not “popular” or “well liked.” But she is exactly what the job needs. And since this is a job that would require her to be out of the country a majority of the time, that celebratory sound you hear coming from Harlem is emanating from Bill Clinton’s office.
Al-Qaida's No. 2, Ayman al-Zawahri made another video tape, I guess trying to remind the world that they are still alive, eventhough they are hiding in a cave somewhere making video tapes. Why do terrorists have so many Number 2 guys? Anyway this coward called Barack Obama a “house negro.” Correction terrorist asshole…he is a White House negro! If Obama is a house negro what does that make you? A cave negro? And if you are so brave why not come out of your cave and fight us? We are not hard to find. Fuck Al Qaida.
ENTERTAINMENT
I really like Prince, but he is getting even weirder with old age. Yes the man who brought you the male garter belt and the ass-less pants spoke out against gay marriage this week. He would have gone on an even bigger homophobic rant but his mascara was running, so he got up on his 6” heels and walked in to the ladies room to fix it.
I have no idea who the fuck Selena Gomez is, but I have it on good authority that she will be the next teenager on The Disney Channel who will be gracing us with a naked pic scandal…you heard it here first!
SPORTS
Nick Swisher has yet to have an at-bat for the Yankees…and I like him already. The liberal, elitist New York (which for Governors of Alaska just means “Jew”) media has already linked this guy with a Playboy playmate…good man. Welcome to New York, call me so we can hang out sometime dude!
And in other, less pleasant Yankee news that I hope is false, it looks like Mike Mussina is gonna call it a career. After his first 20-win season I have to say I’m a bit surprised. Incidentally, every other pitcher who has won at least 100 games more than he has lost is in the Hall of Fame. I hope he gets his votes.
Umm…excuse me Donovan McNabb, but you have been an NFL quarterback for 10 years right? And you were not aware that your team had a tie game in 1997 and that in
2002 the Pittsburgh Steelers and Atlanta Falcons played to a tie, a year which incidentally, you were in the league. So it baffles me that you are getting paid $ 9 million this year and you didn’t know that tie games exist in the NFL and that it is contained in the rulebook? Were you busy doing something else that you couldn’t read the rules of your own sport?
An injury to a guy named Tyler on the Tarheels is never good news. No…not that Tyler, I meant Tyler Zeller, who by the way, is really good. Too bad he won’t be proving it this season as he as a broken wrist and will be out. Hansbrough better get well soon. But still…Dick Vitale announcing, North Carolina winning…it’s officially winter.
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
A few things this week…
With all due respect to John McCain…I am going to make them famous. GM CEO Richard Wagoner (who couldn’t give Congress a straight answer with a ruler), Chrysler's Robert Nardelli, Ford’s Alan Mulally all went to Capitol Hill today to ask for a bailout in the billions for their respective companies. Saying that the industry would collapse and go bankrupt if not given the money. Nice to see they were contributing to their companies bottom lines by each flying in on a private jet. Someone stick these assholes in that cave where Al-Qaida is.
Sarah Palin is reportedly getting $7 million for a book deal. Great. What would that book be about actually? And why would any publishing company give this woman cab fare for a book much less $7 million? Someone explain to me on what subject does this woman have $7 million worth of knowledge? Wait…this just in…it’s a cookbook about Moose.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
Thursday, November 13, 2008
The JB Random Report 11/13/08
NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS
Ann Coulter is a Dumbo-eared asshole. She has now called Sarah Palin, and I quote, “The star of the GOP.” Are you out of your fucking mind? Look I admit this woman is entertaining, but she is far from bright. And please stop blaming the “elitist, liberal media” for the fact that this woman has trouble completing a sentence. Remember this woman was not pulled out of John McCain’s nursing home attendant-wiped ass, she campaigned for the job, and should have been able to handle the “tough” questions like “find Afghanistan on a map.” “Elitist” to Sarah Palin is someone who doesn’t kill their own lunch. Seriously if this is your “star” then your movie is going straight to DVD.
SPORTS
I always thought that the only morons who would kill over a sporting event were uncivilized soccer hooligans outside the United States. Leave it to the south to fuck that up too. An argument over Saturday's Alabama-LSU football game led to the shooting deaths of a couple at a home in southern Alabama.
Dennis Smith, an LSU fan, called what used to be his friend Michael Williams, an Alabama fan, after Alabama's 27-21 overtime win and an argument ensued. Smith then went to Williams’ home with a pistol, but Williams had a shotgun and fired. Williams was arrested and charged with two counts of murder. Alabama is still #1 in the BCS rankings, but their fans just set us back about 10,000 years.
ENTERTAINMENT
At least 3 people sent me that really weird story about some American Idol fan killing herself in front of Paula Abdul’s house. What can you say about that? Abdul just can’t catch a break can she? Everyone already thinks she is nuts, this just adds to the bizarre nature of this woman’s existence.
I have no fucking idea what a Cheetah Girl is, but apparently one of them likes to get naked in front of a camera…cool. Damn those Disney chicks are hornier than Catholic school girls. Who ever thought that could happen?
The fact that delusional maniacs like Britney Spears, Beyonce and Mariah Carey still live amongst us and continue to contaminate the Universe with their worthless presence doesn’t really bother me until I hear things like this…Miriam Makeba of South Africa died after collapsing on stage in Italy. She was 76 years old and if there is an afterlife, what an amazing story she will be able to tell. This amazing singer known as “Mama Africa” was the first African Woman to ever win a Grammy.
Often saying that her songs were never political just a reflection of her environment, they did none the less have serious political ramifications, as her amazing voice told the painful story of racial segregation in her country that cost her dearly. In 1960, after speaking out against apartheid in South Africa her passport was revoked. It would be another 30 years before she saw home again. In 1963 she appeared before the U.N. Special Committee on Apartheid to call for an international boycott of South Africa. All this before The Clash, U2 and Peter Gabriel were even wetting diapers. The South African government responded in typical fashion by banning her records, but it didn’t stop her from performing her songs over the years, one of the highlights being a landmark concert in Zimbabwe with Paul Simon in 1987. Incidentally for those of you who can’t handle "Pata Pata," "The Click Song" ("Qongqothwane" in Xhosa), and "Malaika, " check out Paul Simon’s Graceland; a more “user friendly” version of this type of music.
From Paul Simon to Nina Simone, she performed with more legends than come to mind, and in 1990 finally went home again after the election of Nelson Mandela proved the end of apartheid once and for all in South Africa. "I was singing about my life, and in South Africa we always sang about what was happening to us — especially the things that hurt us." Well the world listened, and was a better place for it.
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
Who invented that automatic hand dryer in the Men’s bathroom? Isn’t that a stupid idea? Think about it, this contraption just takes longer to dry your hands and it never really works unless you stand under it like a moron for at least 5 minutes. What ever happened to the paper towel? It’s faster and it does the job better. And don’t give me that bullshit about automatic hand dryers being better for the environment. They use electricity and a paper towel can be recycled by simply planting a tree. I’d rant some more about this but my hands are wet.
Ann Coulter is a Dumbo-eared asshole. She has now called Sarah Palin, and I quote, “The star of the GOP.” Are you out of your fucking mind? Look I admit this woman is entertaining, but she is far from bright. And please stop blaming the “elitist, liberal media” for the fact that this woman has trouble completing a sentence. Remember this woman was not pulled out of John McCain’s nursing home attendant-wiped ass, she campaigned for the job, and should have been able to handle the “tough” questions like “find Afghanistan on a map.” “Elitist” to Sarah Palin is someone who doesn’t kill their own lunch. Seriously if this is your “star” then your movie is going straight to DVD.
SPORTS
I always thought that the only morons who would kill over a sporting event were uncivilized soccer hooligans outside the United States. Leave it to the south to fuck that up too. An argument over Saturday's Alabama-LSU football game led to the shooting deaths of a couple at a home in southern Alabama.
Dennis Smith, an LSU fan, called what used to be his friend Michael Williams, an Alabama fan, after Alabama's 27-21 overtime win and an argument ensued. Smith then went to Williams’ home with a pistol, but Williams had a shotgun and fired. Williams was arrested and charged with two counts of murder. Alabama is still #1 in the BCS rankings, but their fans just set us back about 10,000 years.
ENTERTAINMENT
At least 3 people sent me that really weird story about some American Idol fan killing herself in front of Paula Abdul’s house. What can you say about that? Abdul just can’t catch a break can she? Everyone already thinks she is nuts, this just adds to the bizarre nature of this woman’s existence.
I have no fucking idea what a Cheetah Girl is, but apparently one of them likes to get naked in front of a camera…cool. Damn those Disney chicks are hornier than Catholic school girls. Who ever thought that could happen?
The fact that delusional maniacs like Britney Spears, Beyonce and Mariah Carey still live amongst us and continue to contaminate the Universe with their worthless presence doesn’t really bother me until I hear things like this…Miriam Makeba of South Africa died after collapsing on stage in Italy. She was 76 years old and if there is an afterlife, what an amazing story she will be able to tell. This amazing singer known as “Mama Africa” was the first African Woman to ever win a Grammy.
Often saying that her songs were never political just a reflection of her environment, they did none the less have serious political ramifications, as her amazing voice told the painful story of racial segregation in her country that cost her dearly. In 1960, after speaking out against apartheid in South Africa her passport was revoked. It would be another 30 years before she saw home again. In 1963 she appeared before the U.N. Special Committee on Apartheid to call for an international boycott of South Africa. All this before The Clash, U2 and Peter Gabriel were even wetting diapers. The South African government responded in typical fashion by banning her records, but it didn’t stop her from performing her songs over the years, one of the highlights being a landmark concert in Zimbabwe with Paul Simon in 1987. Incidentally for those of you who can’t handle "Pata Pata," "The Click Song" ("Qongqothwane" in Xhosa), and "Malaika, " check out Paul Simon’s Graceland; a more “user friendly” version of this type of music.
From Paul Simon to Nina Simone, she performed with more legends than come to mind, and in 1990 finally went home again after the election of Nelson Mandela proved the end of apartheid once and for all in South Africa. "I was singing about my life, and in South Africa we always sang about what was happening to us — especially the things that hurt us." Well the world listened, and was a better place for it.
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
Who invented that automatic hand dryer in the Men’s bathroom? Isn’t that a stupid idea? Think about it, this contraption just takes longer to dry your hands and it never really works unless you stand under it like a moron for at least 5 minutes. What ever happened to the paper towel? It’s faster and it does the job better. And don’t give me that bullshit about automatic hand dryers being better for the environment. They use electricity and a paper towel can be recycled by simply planting a tree. I’d rant some more about this but my hands are wet.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
Waking Up to History 11/5/08
I’m in my 30’s. I remember when the Berlin Wall came down, when the Soviet Union collapsed. I remember watching CNN and seeing a Chinese boy stand in front of a tank in Tiananmen Square. This election was the most historically significant event I’ve ever been alive to witness.
A few years ago I wrote about a speech I heard a Senator give in front of the State House in Springfield, Illinois (JB Random Report 2/14/07) announcing his candidacy for President of the United States. I said how great I thought he was, but that this country would never vote a black man into the White House. Even before that announcement, I named him my “Politician of the Year 2006” for thinking he had a chance.
Barack Obama never had to win me over; he did that in Springfield, even using one of my favorite Jackie Wilson songs at the end. It was this nation that had to convince me that it would finally vote for the best candidate this time. I was one of the first writers to endorse him (JB Random Report 2/6/08). It only took two terms of the worst US President in history for this country to get its act together, so my faith isn’t totally restored, but I am glad to see that I live in a country that doesn’t let the same dog bite it three times.
We are all celebrating now, but I assure you it won’t be easy for the nation’s first black president. There is a great deal of work to do. The economy, the wars, our international reputation all require his immediate attention. And like Jackie Robinson in 1947, he can’t make one mistake. Like it or not he is representing all minorities, and this nation in its ignorance and impatience will turn on him if he doesn’t produce results.
I wasn’t proud to be an American this morning because we elected the first black president, I was proud to be an American this morning because we elected the best man for the job regardless of his race. I once wrote that racism comes from fear and ignorance, we proved that we have less of those traits, and that might not erase the mistakes of the past, but what an interesting start.
Books can be written about what this election means to minorities, but I’ll mention one thing. While the crowd was loudly cheering Obama on during his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park, in the crowd there stood an older black man just staring at the stage quietly, not cheering, not crying, just looking. Just imagine his life’s story, and what this moment meant to him. Growing up not being able to sit at a lunch counter, or ride a bus, or drink from a water fountain in a nation that claimed it was free. Imagine that man now living to see a black president. Of course he was silent. I ask you, who could have words?
SPORTS
Sometimes having a bye week is all you need to move up in the BCS rankings…but not in the case of Penn State. What the Hell? Texas Tech did beat #1 Texas, but come on that doesn’t mean they get to jump a big conference school. If that’s the case, Rutgers should have been #1 a few years ago, remember that? It took until week 9 of the college football season, but that BCS ranking system finally showed its first fuck up. I agree with Alabama being #1 but Penn State should be #2.
The Giants are proving all non-believers wrong yet again. They dismantled the Cowboys last week; I wonder what they are going to do for an encore.
Trading Allen Iverson was a good move by Denver, but once again one is left puzzled by the Knicks. Is sitting over $30 million in salary on the bench in Stephon Marbury and Eddy Curry part of the Donnie Walsh/Mike D’Antoni “new system?” Because if it is, that new system makes no fiscal sense. If you hate the guys so much and want to get rid of them so badly, have them play so that their value can be shown to other teams. When it comes time for trade talks, you have a body of work to show the team that you wanna make a deal with. I’m sure the “Fire D’Antoni” chants will be heard at the Garden very soon.
LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS
Plentyoffish.com looked at 315,478 users frequenting no-strings-attached dating sites. Since 2004, the number of women seeking only an "intimate encounter" has risen from 9 to 18 percent. OK...so where are we meeting up?
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
Today and maybe only today, there is little wrong with America worth complaining about.
A few years ago I wrote about a speech I heard a Senator give in front of the State House in Springfield, Illinois (JB Random Report 2/14/07) announcing his candidacy for President of the United States. I said how great I thought he was, but that this country would never vote a black man into the White House. Even before that announcement, I named him my “Politician of the Year 2006” for thinking he had a chance.
Barack Obama never had to win me over; he did that in Springfield, even using one of my favorite Jackie Wilson songs at the end. It was this nation that had to convince me that it would finally vote for the best candidate this time. I was one of the first writers to endorse him (JB Random Report 2/6/08). It only took two terms of the worst US President in history for this country to get its act together, so my faith isn’t totally restored, but I am glad to see that I live in a country that doesn’t let the same dog bite it three times.
We are all celebrating now, but I assure you it won’t be easy for the nation’s first black president. There is a great deal of work to do. The economy, the wars, our international reputation all require his immediate attention. And like Jackie Robinson in 1947, he can’t make one mistake. Like it or not he is representing all minorities, and this nation in its ignorance and impatience will turn on him if he doesn’t produce results.
I wasn’t proud to be an American this morning because we elected the first black president, I was proud to be an American this morning because we elected the best man for the job regardless of his race. I once wrote that racism comes from fear and ignorance, we proved that we have less of those traits, and that might not erase the mistakes of the past, but what an interesting start.
Books can be written about what this election means to minorities, but I’ll mention one thing. While the crowd was loudly cheering Obama on during his victory speech in Chicago’s Grant Park, in the crowd there stood an older black man just staring at the stage quietly, not cheering, not crying, just looking. Just imagine his life’s story, and what this moment meant to him. Growing up not being able to sit at a lunch counter, or ride a bus, or drink from a water fountain in a nation that claimed it was free. Imagine that man now living to see a black president. Of course he was silent. I ask you, who could have words?
SPORTS
Sometimes having a bye week is all you need to move up in the BCS rankings…but not in the case of Penn State. What the Hell? Texas Tech did beat #1 Texas, but come on that doesn’t mean they get to jump a big conference school. If that’s the case, Rutgers should have been #1 a few years ago, remember that? It took until week 9 of the college football season, but that BCS ranking system finally showed its first fuck up. I agree with Alabama being #1 but Penn State should be #2.
The Giants are proving all non-believers wrong yet again. They dismantled the Cowboys last week; I wonder what they are going to do for an encore.
Trading Allen Iverson was a good move by Denver, but once again one is left puzzled by the Knicks. Is sitting over $30 million in salary on the bench in Stephon Marbury and Eddy Curry part of the Donnie Walsh/Mike D’Antoni “new system?” Because if it is, that new system makes no fiscal sense. If you hate the guys so much and want to get rid of them so badly, have them play so that their value can be shown to other teams. When it comes time for trade talks, you have a body of work to show the team that you wanna make a deal with. I’m sure the “Fire D’Antoni” chants will be heard at the Garden very soon.
LOVE & RELATIONSHIPS
Plentyoffish.com looked at 315,478 users frequenting no-strings-attached dating sites. Since 2004, the number of women seeking only an "intimate encounter" has risen from 9 to 18 percent. OK...so where are we meeting up?
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
Today and maybe only today, there is little wrong with America worth complaining about.
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