The JB Random Report End of the Year Awards 2014

NEWS STORY OF THE YEAR – When a Grand Jury on Staten Island chose not to indict the officer that killed Eric Gardner I was angry. When Michael Brown was shot dead in the middle of the street I was shocked. I have never been much of a joiner, but I actually did protest in Times Square along with thousands of others, against police brutality and to reclaim our community from what we perceive is a police state. I have to admit being able to express my feelings on this matter so openly was refreshing and I could see why people did it. I am one of those people that avoid any interaction with police, and I try as best I can to never put myself in a situation where I have to engage them.

What I came to realize that night amongst those other shocked, angry New Yorkers is that my way of thinking towards police comes from years of seeing how they interact with my people, and with me. I am pretty sure that no one raised in a rich suburb feels this way about police. But when you are brought up to never snitch, to never speak to police; when you see them actively harassing people for selling flowers on Roosevelt Avenue but ignoring the drug dealer next to them, you do get angry. When you get frisked because you put your foot on an empty subway chair, you get angry. And these are just little things. When the death of a man at the hands of police is on fucking Youtube and a congressman has the audacity to defend it, how do you not expect this anger to boil over?
So as we were walking, I turned to my friend and asked why we were here. The answer was simpler than I thought, and it came to me rather quickly. It was because we had kids.  We had to be here. When our children grow up and study history, we will be accountable to them for our actions during times of historical significance. How do we explain to them that we did nothing?

What makes this the news story of the year however, goes beyond just protests. Just a few weeks later, some idiot whose name I will not make famous, decided that the best way to get revenge was to “put wings on pigs.” Someone not even from New York decided that he would kill two police officers as “revenge” for the killing of Eric Gardner. How exactly is this revenge? What did these two particular officers do to deserve death? And do you realize that any moral high ground that we had is now gone and that you just gave a reason to police to be even more apprehensive towards the community that they are supposed to protect?
Pat Lynch, PBA Union mouthpiece, decided he would improve the situation by blaming Mayor Di Blasio. Really? Why, because he told the truth about having to talk to his black son about how to interact with Police? I suppose the best thing the Mayor could have done is not acknowledge the fact that there is a problem with how the police interact with minorities. He probably should have risked his son’s life so that Lynch could feel better about himself. And these cops turning their backs on the mayor in some sort of protest that miraculously attempts to place them as the victims is complete bullshit. For Lynch to insinuate that the mayor is wrong and that there is no problem at all with how police relate to minorities is insane. Those officers and their C.O.s should be reprimanded. This is not how a police force treats its boss, and these officers should be ashamed of themselves. Yes, there are tears symbolizing the two dead officers who did not deserve to die, who do deserve to be mourned, but there are a million more tears to represent those that have been killed needlessly by police, and this situation was a tragedy then, not just now.

The police of course, certainly do not make the situation better either when they act this way.

There cannot be a war between minorities and police, I assure you no one will win.  

 
 

QUOTE OF THE YEAR – “I Can’t Breathe.”

 

                   -  Eric Gardner, alleged loose cigarette vendor while being arrested.

Up until this year, this section had always been reserved for something really stupid said by some celebrity douchebag or out of touch politician, but have any other words had more impact this year than those three?

TV SHOW OF THE YEAR – “True Detective” Holy mother how could it not be? By far, there was only one show this year that had you describing how your mind got blown on Sunday night every Monday morning.

ASSHOLE(S) OF THE YEAR – House Majority Whip Steve Scalise (R-La.) and Rep. Michael Grimm. I often wonder exactly what it is that a Congressman has to do to actually lose his fucking job. Scalise decided to give a speech in 2002 to a group chaired by none other than Louisiana gubernatorial candidate and former KKK Imperial Wizard David Duke. Nice. Now that this has come to light, this power hungry asshole should just apologize and step down, or at the very least, give up his leadership position in the House, right? Well none of that is happening. Now you gotta love his explanation: "I don't have any records from back in 2002, but when people called and asked me to speak to groups, I went and spoke to groups,” Scalise said. “I didn't know who all of these groups were and I detest any kind of hate group. For anyone to suggest that I was involved with a group like that is insulting and ludicrous.” Right…so you are saying that you didn’t recognize David Duke while in Louisiana? OK.

Then there is Michael Grimm. This asshole was facing multiple felony counts including tax evasion, which he eventually plead guilty to, and threatened a reporter with throwing him off a balcony for doing his job by asking about the charges, all while running for re-election. Talk about multi-tasking while under indictment! Even better is the fact that he still won his re-election campaign in his district! Who ran against him that was so bad they couldn’t beat someone under felony indictment? What were they? A convicted murderer? This is the same district where the Eric Gardner case happened so I am beginning to think it’s time to let them secede from New York City. Seriously, couldn’t this selfish prick just have stepped down before the election and not cost his district millions of dollars now that they have to run a special election? Oh, and an honorable mention should go out to Speaker of the House John Boehner. Boehner is actually standing by Scalise and has yet to ask him to step down, not even from his leadership position, much less Congress.  What a complete asshole.

PERSON OF THE YEAR – Masoud Barzani. Don’t know him? It’s OK I am used to educating people by now. He is the president of the Kurdistan region of Iraq, and he has done the following: negotiated oil revenue deals with longtime enemies Turkey and the Baghdad controlled Iraq, made the case for an independent Kurdistan which the rest of the world has been lukewarm to recognize, oh yeah, and he is fighting ISIS on the ground pretty much by himself. The Kurdish peshmerga army taking all of the casualties on the ground. I would hope that Western nations learn from their mistakes and support the handful of leaders in the Islamic world that actually don’t want to blow you up. Kurds have been historically pro-western and if we respond in kind this could be the beginning of a better understanding between our two cultures.

Maybe the reason he doesn’t get a lot of publicity is because keeping Americans confused and hating what they don’t understand certainly doesn’t hurt the justification for our bloated defense budget.

CRAZY PERSON OF THE YEAR – Scott Stapp. If there was ever a band that genuinely sucked the life out of the 90’s music I loved, it was Creed. Damn they were horrible. And their lead singer was a less famous but just as assholish version of Kanye West. Now it seems that he is really struggling with the fact that he is not famous anymore. In the past months he has had to be put in the boobie-hatch for various reasons; the most entertaining one being a 911 call that authorities received from his wife saying that he was going to kill President Obama because he was a CIA agent and feared that ISIS was after his kids. Wow, I really don’t know how to respond to this.

POLITICIAN OF THE YEAR – José "Pepe" Mujica, President of Uruguay. To be honest, I have been waiting for years to write about my admiration for this man. So this year I decided to give him this award not for anything that he has done in particular this year, but just because he is so cool, and the rest of the world can learn a lot from him. Incidentally, it is Latino world leaders that are taking the lead in finally trying to curb the frivolous excesses enjoyed by so few at the expense of so many. Pope Francis, originally from Argentina, is driving his own car and staying in a humble residence all while denouncing economic inequality.

Mujica, a former urban guerrilla fighter, donates 90% of his salary to various charities, legalized pot and gay marriage, and told both FIFA and the UN to basically go fuck themselves. His term is up this year, and it is the worst possible news for a world that needs him as a world leader. So I guess I just wanted to find a way to celebrate this man in his final days as President. I hope Uruguay elects someone that can carry that mantle. Buena suerte, viejo. I leave you with this quote:  “The worst negotiation is better than the best war. That's what I think now, because I know the pain and sacrifice of war." Take heed Dick Cheney.

 OVERUSED PHRASE OF THE YEAR – “YOLO (You Only Live Once)” I know that already, thank you. If you need to create a stupid word to justify frat boy/girl behavior when you are clearly too old for it, then you are beyond help.

MOVIE OF THE YEAR – “Boyhood” This is truly fascinating film making. Whenever I see something totally original I cannot help but celebrate it.  Something that has never been done before like this, and I hope it is acknowledged during awards season. I won’t give away any spoilers, but this is really worth watching.

COOLEST MOVIE WITH NO OVERLY FAMOUS PEOPLE IN IT THAT YOU DIDN’T SEE BUT YOU SHOULD HAVE – “Divergent” Look, I know you all hate me for giving this award to Twilight in 2008, but even you have to admit that movie sans the stupid love story was pretty cool in some spots. This movie has that same vibe. And come on, am I really the only one who wants to see what is beyond that fence in the sequels?

ALBUM OF THE YEAR – “Lost in the Dream”/The War On Drugs. There is something about this band that seems to bring together so many of the things I like about music. Even though this record was mostly just whatever came out of Adam Granduciel’s head, I like how simple he makes the complex arrangements sound. East Coast indie rock with a not-overly pretentious vibe.

COOLEST SONG BY A BAND THAT YOU’VE NEVER HEARD OF – “Had To Hear”/Real Estate. I really loved this song. So much that it actually might make my playlist of favorite songs of all time. I cannot guarantee that it will have the same effect on you. But it just took me to autumn here in New York in a way that a song has not done in a long time.

COOLEST SONG(S) BY A MAJOR BAND THAT WASN’T A (WERE NOT) BIG HIT(S) – “Ordinary Love” “Invisible” “The Miracle (of Joey Ramone)”/U2. What can I say? It was a three way tie by one band. Unheard of in this day and age. You know, I keep waiting for this second act of U2 to jump the shark, but it never does. I genuinely love this band, but I have to admit that when I have seen them live lately, they are way too in love with the era of their worst musical output (1997-2001) for some odd reason. They have released a lot of great singles over the past 13 years “Electrical Storm,” and “Window in the Sky” to name a few, so does anyone really need to hear “Stuck in a Moment That You Can’t Get Out Of” ever again?

COOLEST SONG OF THE YEAR – “Happy”/ Pharrell. Fuck you I liked it. So sue me.

COOLEST ACT OF THE YEAR – OK this may surprise some of you…

Maybe it’s me; maybe I just have a thing for dark, brooding, slightly psychotic big chicks with British accents and soulful voices. Last year, Lorde won this category, and I was right. She has substance as an artist even though she is getting a bit creepier than I would feel comfortable with. I loved Amy Winehouse, too. I was glad she never went to rehab, even though she has since dropped dead, but that was part of her weird charm. Charli XCX is this year’s winner. She is in that same aforementioned vibe as Lorde and Winehouse, and I’m certainly feeling her.

She is gorgeous and at the same time, maybe a little unsafe to be around. It’s seems like depending on her mood, she will either beat you with a stick, fuck you, kill you, or feed you, and not necessarily in that order. She isn’t as mature as the other two though, but still pretty cool. And I say yet again, is she the next Debbie Harry or Patti Smith? Fuck no. But given the mindless pop drivel that seems to be sprouting from teenagers we choose to make famous, this is quite a refreshing breather.

ONE HIT WONDER THAT I REALLY HOPE STAYS AWAY AFTER IT FINALLY GOES AWAY – I don’t really know, so how about you just turn on your radio and pick whatever auto-tuned, badly produced, weak rap break having bullshit on the radio right now, because it will certainly never be culturally relevant later. 

SPORTS TEAM OF THE YEAR – The San Antonio Spurs, NBA. Am I the only one aware that The Spurs and their star Tim Duncan, have won 5 NBA Championships since 1999? Yes- that is just as many as Kobe Bryant, and one more than Shaquille O’ Neal in his entire career. Am I the only one aware that their “big three” of Duncan, Tony Parker and Manu Ginobli never seem to age, mostly because their brilliant coach, Greg Popovich knows 1- how not to over use them, and 2- how to build a bench that compliments the starters he has, not by random, but by drafting the best players for the team, not just the best players available. This strategy has allowed for players other than the big three to thrive. Do you know who last year’s NBA Finals MVP was? Of course you don’t! But you should, his name is Kawhi Leonard and he is the future of a team that in this day and age, has actually bought into the team concept, and that includes their big stars.

ATHLETE OF THE YEAR – LeBron James, Cleveland Cavaliers, NBA. He is playing pretty well, but his team is struggling a bit to find their identity. He even went so far as to say that “we are not a very good team right now.” Ouch! LeBron did not win this award however, for his play on the court. He won it for doing something paradoxical to who he is, not as a person, but as a public figure, and that is, speaking out on an important social issue. I grew up loving Magic Johnson and Michael Jordan, but these two stars were in their prime in the 80’s and never publicly spoke out against Apartheid in South Africa. Magic only became the AIDS advocate that he is today after contracting HIV himself in 1991. Jordan was also in his prime and remained silent about the riots in Los Angeles in 1992. Now don’t get me wrong, these athletes have every right to keep their opinions to themselves, but they certainly do not have to, and in some cases certainly should not.

LeBron James wearing an “I Can’t Breathe” t-shirt was a brave thing to do considering that it could have very well cost him millions in endorsements. Of course a shout out goes to the other NBA players that did it, but there can be no doubt that James was the biggest name on that list, something that a lot of superstars that came before him chose to avoid. This is a courageous move and is to be admired.    

ATHLETE WHO REALLY SHOULD RETIRE– Kobe Bean Bryant, NBA. The title of this category is usually known as “Beloved Athlete Who Really Should Retire.” But in this case, let’s leave the “Beloved” for someone else; anyone else. What was arguably the best free agent class in the history of the NBA last year, produced no players at all that wanted to play in one of the biggest sports markets in the country, with one of the sport’s biggest assholes. How does that happen? How do you manage to sign…nobody? Even the God-awful Knicks managed to hang on to Carmelo Anthony. The open secret seems to be that nobody wants to play with Kobe Bryant. Bryant for one, seems to be blissfully unaware that his massive contract and attitude makes it impossible for his team to sign anyone of substance. He also seems to ignore that he is the focus of every opposing team’s defense, and he is just not that good anymore. But my favorite Kobe delusion that is single-handedly destroying the Los Angeles Lakers is the one where he is “chasing” Michael Jordan. Dude, you passed Jordan in points scored with five extra years in which to do it. You will never have as many MVP’s, scoring titles, or championships. So if you are chasing Jordan, let me give you an image… Jordan is Usain Bolt and you are Martin Lawrence in those “Big Momma” movies.    

BIGOTED ASSHOLE OF THE YEAR – The first two time winner of this award goes to none other than bigoted racist asshole and now multi-billionaire, Donald Sterling, former owner of the Los Angeles Clippers. For all of you just now jumping on the bandwagon of hating this guy because you heard an audio tape, where were you in 2009 when The JB Random Report publicly called out this asshole for being a racist?

DEAD PERSON OF THE YEAR – This, as in every year, we have lost cultural icons that make the world just a little less bearable without their continued contribution to it, replaced by the mindless and the mediocre. I mean does anyone honestly think that Robin Williams can be replaced by Kevin Hart? Or that Jimmy Ruffin should be forgotten because, after all, we still have Justin Bieber? Why mourn Jack Bruce while we still have John Mayer? Tony Gwynn, arguably the greatest pure hitter of his era may be gone, but Alex Rodriguez will be back from his steroid suspension next season. Hooray for the integrity of the game!! And can a brilliant mind like Maya Angelou ever be replaced by the fat chick who writes “Girls?”

Someone who really is irreplaceable in his chosen field however, is Gustavo Cerati, and I wanted to do what the shitheads who produced the Latin Grammys could not…pay proper homage to a true Latin musician, and a pioneer in Latin Rock.

I always thought of the Latin Grammys as somewhat of a complete and utter disgrace. It is basically a celebration of mindless, repetitive bad music disguised as a booty shaking contest. Not that they never acknowledge good music (Cerati has won a few Grammys himself), but come on...And if you think I’m being too hard on them, I can assure you that half naked video hoes gyrating to music of no substance make us all look bad.
But where they really could have redeemed themselves was during the eulogy segment celebrating those we have lost in the Latino music community. They gave Cerati a few seconds, and for a crowd that was numb from staring at Sofia Vergara’s tits for the past two hours, the audience exploded in recognition of a true artist. It left me wanting more. How about a montage of his contributions like they do for so many other pioneers? Even the bullshit popularity contest that is this show should have at least acknowledged that Soda Stereo, when they reunited in 2007, sold out every major stadium in Latin America more than once. Let’s see Jennifer Lopez or Pitbull do that shit!

 

Here’s hoping the New Year brings you everything you want!

May You Live In Interesting Times

I believe it may be too early to discuss the legacy of Barack Obama’s presidency just yet, and I love that, because it only means that there is still so much more that this brilliant, progressive man has to offer. In what is supposed to be his so-called “lame duck” session, this man has proven that there is still so much that can be done, even in your last years as president. Sure George W Bush proved that too, but his was just the opposite. Just when you thought he didn’t have one more, big “fuck up” left in him, we had the worst financial collapse since the Great Depression, in 2008. Thanks Dubya!

In the span of a few weeks since getting an old fashioned Mississippi ass whoppin’ in the mid-term elections, you would think Barack would slow down a bit, well to hell with that! Gas prices are at their lowest in years, and this president has appointed a Surgeon General, reformed immigration, and just yesterday announced the normalization of relations with Cuba.

This stunning historical announcement, needless to say has been a long time coming. Seriously have these 54 year old sanctions been effective on getting Fidel Castro out of power? The only thing that has worked against Castro is cancer, and we were too incompetent to give him that, he got that one on his own. Since 1959 six US Presidents have dropped dead, Castro is still going. Must be that Adidas track suit he always wears. Or maybe someone has finally woken up and realized that these sanctions only serve to hurt the Cuban people, and not the Cuban leadership. Seriously do you think that if Fidel wanted to get a bucket of KFC anyone would be able to stop him? He isn’t starving or broke, his people are, and finally we have a President that decided not to ignore the obvious just to appease a group of Cubans who always vote Republican anyway.

Now for all you wanna-be intellectual revolutionaries (JB Random Report "The 19 Girls You Meet before You Find "The One") and first-world anarchists who are so enthusiastic about this, calling Cuba a beautiful place that you are dying to visit…slow down, “freshman-at-a-pep-rally.” You have no idea how it looks now, or how you will be received. Cuba is still an incredibly repressive regime that will not necessarily welcome you with open arms just because you wear a Che Guevara t-shirt.

The government still has a great deal of progress to make. Cuba still imprisons political dissidents and intellectuals. People you say you want to emulate and protect. The press is censored and there is limited internet access and communication with the rest of the world. How many facebook friends do you have from Havana? Exactly, so don’t prop up this dictatorship just because you think it’s cool and rebellious to support a government that hates yours. I’m already seeing the turn once they realize that Assata Shakur, a murder suspect that fled to Cuba decades ago, might now be subject to extradition. Remember, the right to dissent doesn’t end when it disagrees with YOU.

Needless to say, there are those who are against this. Usually it is easy to point these people out, but on this issue, it is actually a bit more complicated. I love to take this time to mention the ignorant who are against anything that the Kenyan Muslim US President does because he is black and they are stupid. But this time, I actually feel a bit of sympathy. The non-progressive isn’t an evil person, he is just afraid. Think about it. He has lived his whole life with the security of knowing who to hate because he was told who his enemy was. Now that enemy is fading, and he is forced into the difficulty of accepting that he has been misled for so long. Here is a new group of people with a different culture and language only 90 miles away, that he has to come to terms with accepting. Not all people know how to do that. It really is easier to hate the unknown than to learn to embrace it. (Umm that was a nice quote. I had a moment there)

The other side of this is the Cuban population here in America. Not the criminally insane that came over on the Mariel boat lift in 1980, (another famous “fuck you” from Fidel to the US) but those whose families came to the US after the fall of the Batista dictatorship. These people had loved ones killed by the Castro regime. These people fled here with nothing and trusted us to look out for them, how do you tell them to “just get over it?”

I acknowledge that this is a delicate situation, and while I have no sympathy for the rich people who lost millions after Castro took over, (rich people that include famous US gangsters like Meyer Lansky and Charles “Lucky” Luciano) I do feel some responsibility to at least be sensitive to the opinions of those who were directly affected by this regime. It will take a great deal of diplomacy to navigate this, but I am optimistic. Interesting times indeed.

 

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

No amount of advertising in the world would have ever gotten me to see a shitty movie. But maybe SONY Pictures are on to something, because now I actually want to see “The Interview.” If indeed North Korea and that little runt Kim Jong Un are behind the cyber attack that threatened anyone who saw this movie, then I will gladly be the first one on line, and I am sure that I would not be alone.

From the beginning SONY should have stood by their film, theaters should have not refused to show the film, and more importantly, the two actors who are the face of the film should not have cancelled their appearances to promote it. You people all make millions, have some balls. This cowering to terror is what they wanted, and you just gave an asshole who cannot even provide basic services for his people a great victory.  
In this case, I agree with (long gasp of air) Mitt Romney. He suggested that they release the film for free (or a small charitable donation) online so everyone can see it. I think we should make 1 million DVDs and drop them over North Korea.  
I am, as an American, deeply disturbed by the fact that an empty threat actually succeeded in limiting freedom of expression in my country. This is a freedom we fought for, and this threat should absolutely be responded to. Those of you who say “we shouldn’t get into a war over a movie,” are 100% absolutely right. But this is not about a movie, this is about freedom of expression in our own country, and that is worth fighting for.

 

I Knew Loose Cigarettes Gave You Cancer...But This?

When covering a major event, it is always good sometimes to take a step back, and not react until you have all the facts, and after the past few weeks and last night, I have taken enough steps back to say…”WHAT THE FUCK?"


There are things that have already been addressed ad nauseam concerning the deaths of Michael Brown and Eric Gardner. And in the many comparative analyses there are a few questions that I believe have been ignored. One being how the governor of Missouri called out the National Guard the day before the grand jury announcement, and yet nothing was done to stop the looting and fires?
It’s almost as though they wanted this to happen so that it could end up on national television, and there would be no sympathy for the community; only scorn and a negative image of these people that cannot control themselves so they burn their own buildings down.

Eric Gardner affects me even more. This happened in my city, and I am embarrassed. Now here is something I have never said because I do not like to pull this card, but: As an attorney, I am completely shocked at this decision by the grand jury. There is no video of the actual incident leading up to the death of Michael Brown, there is documented evidence of the scene after the shooting, but anything that happened to cause it was something that, at least the general public, never got to see. 

In the Gardner case, regardless of how long he might have been arguing with the police, we see when Officer Pantaleo got behind Gardner, put him in a choke hold, got him on the ground and kept the hold on him even while he repeated “I can’t breathe” at least 11 times.

I saw Congressman Peter King of New York (who kinda looks like Don Francisco from Sabado Gigante doesn’t he?) saying that “It wasn’t a legitimate choke hold, if it was, he wouldn’t have been able to say he couldn’t breathe.” Are you fucking stupid? Now here is another card I hate pulling: I hold two different black belts and have been involved in fighting for over 30 years of my life, and if you are breathing your last fucking breaths you can find a way to talk if you think that there is hope that the person choking you isn’t a homicidal maniac. If you can’t speak, you tap the person or you tap a wall, you find any way to communicate your situation. Gardner attempted to do exactly that. How can you say he was not in some form of distress? I doubt Mr. King has ever fought for his life during close quarter combat.

Even their own coroner ruled that the death a fucking homicide! How do you not indict?

 

And is anyone even remotely fucking concerned that within the past two years, three men sued Officer Daniel Pantaleo and the NYPD, over allegedly unlawful, racially motivated arrests? In the first lawsuit, settled by the city in January, two black men accused Pantaleo and other officers of arresting them without cause and subjecting them to a "humiliating and unlawful strip search." In a second lawsuit, a man accused Pantaleo and other officers of misrepresenting facts in a police report and other documents to substantiate charges that also were dismissed.

On a positive note, we New Yorkers may be considered rude, but at least we know how to protest peacefully. This is due in no small part to our Mayor Bill DiBlasio and Governor Andrew Coumo getting in front of this situation right away and actually encouraging people to express their outrage, but to do so peacefully. I may be ashamed of our criminal justice system today, but I am still proud to be a native New Yorker. Yes there were a few arrests last night, but nothing amounting to looting or violence. And no one yelled “Fuck CNN” in front of any cameras. Well, that would have been kinda funny.

SPORTS

In keeping with the theme, I am going to do something that I usually never do, and that is applaud the NFL for not punishing or fining the 5 St Louis Rams players who held their hands in a “Don’t shoot” gesture honoring Michael Brown before last Sunday’s game. This is not the wrong color of shoes, this is a political statement, and sanctioning these men would have been totally contrary to the spirit of this nation. Shades of Tommy Smith and Juan Carlos.

But attention must be paid to the fact that after the St Louis police asked the Rams to discipline the players and the Rams in a statement politely refused, the authorities issued a statement saying that the accepted the Rams apology. What? To which the Rams replied that they never apologized.

Look, I know this may seem trivial, but lying about things like this is what repressive regimes like North Korea and China do. Don’t take this lightly either. Spin is one thing, but an outright lie in a feeble attempt to save what little face you have left just serves to further compare you with dictatorships and police states.

One of the things Charles Barkley is loved for is that he always speaks his mind, so you can’t turn on him so quickly just because he disagrees with you. I may not totally agree with everything he said or how he said it, but like it or not, he made his points very well, and he had a learned opinion about the subject matter. And he is right about one thing: Unless we are willing to actually disagree with each other, we will never be considered equal.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Mr. President, if you are reading this, I just want to tell you that I proudly voted for you in 2008 and in 2012, but your reactions to these incidents have been at best, a disappointment. How long before you visit Ferguson, Missouri? Or how about Staten Island? I appreciate your words, but we need more than that now. George HW Bush visited Los Angeles after the riots. Bill Clinton went to Oklahoma in 1995.  Even George W. Bush visited New Orleans after Katrina, and he was the first president with Down Syndrome.

Even I protested last night...and I am just about un-inspirable. Proving yet again that me and my good friend HVM can't just go out for a quiet drink after work without some crazy shit happening.

 

 

The 19 Girls You Meet before You Find "The One"

So I was scrolling through the “Buzzfeed” website the other day and I came across this article entitled “The 19 Guys You Meet Before You Find ‘The One’.” I have to admit this kinda bothered me for a number of reasons. Not that I am overly old school, but I would hate to think that the woman that considers me “The One” could only come to that realization by first spreading her legs for 18 losers before me. What does that really say about her judgment?
Now if you think that view is a bit too conservative, I really don’t give a fuck, however I will still address your concern: When you call a man “conservative” or “insecure” just because he does not want a certain type of woman, then call a woman “selective” when she rejects certain types of men, you really are not doing much for that whole “gender equality” thing. Remember it’s called “equality.” I am entitled to my personal tastes as you are yours.

It also bothered me that out of those 19 men listed, 17 of them were just man hating stereotypes that bitter women complain about while sitting in a circle in matching yoga pants, drinking cheap wine and practicing witchcraft. But the worst part of this so-called article is that the author doesn’t even offer any positive resolution at all. Even the last entry is simply “the one who could have been the one.” The one who “could have been?” Then why even write the article to begin with if you have no real insight at all? Why should we sit through 19 of your relationship failures if you have nothing to offer other than a hateful rant? So I decided to come up with a list of my own, and unlike that hateful Buzzfeed article, I actually offer some hope. Keep in mind that I am aware that there may be a lot more categories (feel free to add your own) and that some of these may overlap…

The One Who Could Kick Your Ass – She is your size, your height, and to this day you still can’t figure out how she was able to get you in a headlock. OK, well maybe it was because you were both 8 years old, but still. When the first words out of her mouth are “You better kiss me or I’m gonna punch you” you know you’re in trouble.

 The High School Sweetheart – You thought you would be together forever didn’t you? Well one of you fucked that up.

The College Sweetheart – She’s only slept with one other guy before you -The High School Sweetheart. She made you wait. You did everything together that freshman year. You still hooked up a few times after that, but she eventually outgrew you after fucking her Psychology professor.

The Chick Who Had a Boyfriend – Hey you don’t know him, right? And if this chick is not happy at home that’s not your problem. However, when she blames the affair on you because you failed to ask if she had a boyfriend before she let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, then this is a chick that overlaps into the delusional category of this list. If she is the type of chick that will solve her self-esteem problems at home by having one night stands she refuses to be accountable for, you can skip to the next one.

The One Who Got Away – She was young, beautiful, respectful, and from a decent family and for some odd reason, totally crazy about a shmuck like you. But your dumb ass was too preoccupied with winning academic awards in college that are pretty meaningless in the real world, to notice how great she was.  She had enough, and you tried to get her back, but it was too late. You are facebook friends, but she is happily married now. This one really hurt, take it as a life lesson and don’t let the same dog bite you twice.

The One Who Went Away – This was the time. You were ready to finally settle down. Everyone liked her, your friends, your family. Then after watching one too many episodes of “The View” she decides that maybe she can do better and that you are making her feel trapped. Yeah trapped because you are offering her everything that she has been saying she wanted since she was 12. But since the Lifetime movie of the week makes it look so cool to break up with the perfect guy so that you can “find yourself,” she decided that she is better off alone. After she realized that TV is not real life, she calls you back offering you a chance to apologize. How’s that working out for you, hon?

The Pathological Liar – To some degree, we have all dealt with this one. From the one who calls herself a “Law Student” because she is taking a law class at a community college, to the one that invites you to a party at her parents house and informs everyone that it is your engagement party; everyone, that is, except you. She just makes shit up for no apparent reason. And after the break-up, makes up a myriad of suitors to make you jealous, when what you really are doing is thanking God for helping you dodge a bullet that would have cost thousands of dollars of your retirement income on psychotherapy.

The One Who Was Not Pretty at All, But SO Incredible in Bed That You Couldn’t Stop Calling Her – We all have one. You know who she is, and right now you are wondering whether or not her number is still in your phone.

The One Who Called Herself a “Survivor” But Had No Real Problems That Were Not Self-Created – In 2006 she had the traumatic experience of brushing up against some guys crotch on a crowded subway, then called a rape crisis hotline for the next 7 months. Makes it a point to tell you how fucked up her life has been, especially that time when her parents refused to buy her a car for her Sweet 16. “I have too many problems in my life to date anyone right now.” Is just coded language for “why won’t somebody love me?” Is totally oblivious to the fact that there are real people out there with real problems, and feels that MTV is sending her subliminal messages through the television telling her that she is destined for a higher calling. She wants to share her grief with the world so that everyone will benefit from her experience, the problem is that she has no real experience.

The Angry Chick – She feels cheated, rejected and disillusioned. She is the one making up reasons why a pet is better than a man then posting it on social media. All she really needed was a hug, but when she didn’t get it, she went domestic terrorist on every website she could find. She just went through a horrible experience with a man, and wants to take it out on the next guy she dates -  guess who?

The Wanna-Be Intellectual Revolutionary – She insists that her family just doesn’t understand her simply because they were always telling her to shut the fuck up. Read one book on Che Guevara and now wears the t-shirt and has a huge poster on her wall. Has no idea how many people he had killed, or that he wasn’t actually Cuban. Has the audacity to say that she “only dates nerds” because she is an “intellectual elitist.” Had to look that phrase up, but it sounded so cool. Is present at every meaningless protest rally. Loves the sound of her own voice. Never gets a second date for some reason, so she is always going on about how happy she is alone with her books; books that she has either never read, or never understood. Gets away with being an intellectual fraud because no one smart enough to see it cares enough to call her out on it. Says she relishes in her time alone, but what she really wants to do is shave her pits and find a man.

The One Looking For a Father For Her Kids – With a body like that you would never suspect that this chick popped out three kids from three different convicted felons. She ignored you when you were both teenagers because she was too busy skipping class to go clubbing and bang older guys. Now she is a 30 year old dental assistant and working on her GED at night, because the party is over and it’s time to get serious. All she needs now is someone to take care of her and her brats. It should be noted that not all single mothers are like that, but still beware! You are not accountable for her life decisions…RUN DUDE!!!

The One Who Knows EVERYONE At the Bar – It’s like trying to date Norm from Cheers.

The Gold Digger – You know her from the Kanye song. You can’t walk down any street with a store or a cart because she will always be wanting you to buy her something. She constantly “needs” money for her rent or phone bill, and if it’s not her then it is for a family member. Expects you to subsidize her entire lifestyle because she is sleeping with you. What is worse, some of them are not even subtle about it. Your ideal response: “Here’s a gun bitch, go rob somebody…”

The One Who Was Kind of a Slut but You Were Lonely- Gentlemen, it is never a good idea to play Captain Save-a-Hoe when a hoe just doesn’t wanna be saved. (Thank you Sloane for the use of that phrase) Dude, you knew she was a little inappropriate the first time you saw her drink. You looked the other way when she started talking about her numerous bi-sexual experiences and was a big fan of the phrase “If his wife/girlfriend isn’t in the same city, then technically I’m not fucking a married guy.” Yes she wore short shorts with stiletto heels and you were like “maybe it’s just a form of self-expression?” She absolutely hates the town she grew up in and doesn’t want to ever go back. Hmmm…I wonder why? Her biggest problem, she has met too many people like her. And you brought her home to meet your mom? You shithead.

The One With Daddy Issues – He didn’t love me! Well guess what? Neither do I.

The Self-Absorbed, Delusional Asshole – This is the chick who thinks that she is the next Kim Kardashian, and to her that’s a good thing. This is the type of chick that is in a complete world of her own. She constantly needs attention and doesn’t really care where it comes from. She is shocked when people think she is wrong, and can’t believe she has yet to land her own reality TV show after the numerous sex tapes she has sent to TMZ.

May not actually cheat on you, but she seems to have a lot of guy friends. Heads up homie, those are the guys she fucks in between boyfriends that she will never tell you about. If you have a fight she will fuck someone else and not tell you about it, then justify it to herself by saying “we were not together for those few hours.” She would cheat on a soldier going to war with some douchebag Jodi, then have the fucking nerve to say it was his fault for leaving. Gets angry upon realizing that you cannot read her mind. No accountability at all.  

The One – She totally owns her image, not because she posts stupid clichés on social media or talks about her morality; she actually doesn’t say a fucking word, she just lives it. She doesn’t have to lie about who she is or who she was before, because it was always the same girl. She doesn’t have to hate men, because she doesn’t make bad decisions due to unrealistic, absurd, reality TV and lame pop song expectations. The only haters she has are the lame bitches who wish they had gone to school instead of dropping out because they thought Lil’ Wayne was gonna propose.   She can watch an art film or a football game, as long as she is with you and you don’t talk over it too much. She knows how to act in front of your family, friends and co-workers. She can disagree without being disagreeable. She knows how to save you from yourself. Look, no one can really define this person except you, so don't look for the definition anywhere other than in your own heart and mind. Have some respect for yourself, your life, and who you decide to bring around it. She may not be perfect, but she is perfect for you, and she just might be out there somewhere...