Sobredosis De TV 5/25/12

In a week of sobering news, I decided I would keep it light...

In glancing through the news on MSN, I came across a headline that read “Advice: What Do You Do If a Relative Cheats?” I’m not an advice columnist but I’m gonna try to come up with an answer. Ummm…let me think…Ok, how about you just mind your fucking business? Wow, I didn’t even need a whole column for that one. Maybe I should start an advice section in this blog. I promise all names will be changed to protect the innocent.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West? Once again, like the animals of the wild American frontier, proctologists from all over the world were alerted to the scent as these two gargantuan sized assholes came together. Look, I know this is old news at this point, but I really don’t care enough about these two morons to make it breaking news, I have a bigger emotional investment in my toothpaste. I’m actually more interested in how funny my description is than anything else.

And yes, like the battered housewife that I am, I decided to go to Amanda’s house for our yearly event, watching the series finale of American Idol. Mind you, this is the first year that I just couldn’t sit through the season, and I have no idea who the finalists are, whether or not they can sing, or what their stories are, but I just thought it would be fun to watch. Well it was not.

John Fogherty’s face is obviously no longer speaking to the rest of him and looks like Joan Rivers’ plastic surgeon was having a bad day. And the fact that he has managed to continue to wear the same shirt he has been wearing since Woodstock in 1969 is mind boggling. In contrast, Neil Diamond actually looks like he has embraced his age very well and looks pretty good.

Then there were…the cat suits. Fantasia and Chaka Khan were obviously angry at their own thighs and decided to choke them by wearing these very umm “less-than-flattering” cat suits that left little to the imagination. You would have been better off with the imagination.

And then there was that former contestant proposing to his girlfriend who is also an ex-contestant and I’m wondering if that’s going to be a recurring theme for the finals. Maybe Adam Lambert can propose to Clay Aiken next year?

For the most part, it was unwatchable for me. I was not interested in the finalists, and I think Jennifer Lopez constantly making the show about her is as nauseating as she is hateful and boring. Randy Jackson has little to no personality and Steven Tyler doesn’t even know where he is half the time, which is the most entertaining part of the show.

As far as performances, what does it say to JLo that she is supposedly trying to remain  “current” with her performance, but Aerosmith played a song over 30 years old and got twice the reaction from what is supposedly a younger crowd?

This show needs a drastic makeover, regardless of how many people they say watch it. They lost me when they stopped making fun of the bad auditions at the beginning of the season, that was always the best part. Oh and (SPOILER ALERT!) the guy won, I have no idea what his name is but he beat the girl. Oh, I have just been informed that his name is Phillip Phillips…ok is this a joke? Seriously what abusive parents would do that to a kid?

Forward 5/11/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So President Barack Obama finally decided to kick off his re-election campaign with a speech given in Ohio that immediately angered Republicans – because how dare he actually speak of his achievements. I can’t wait till he seriously attacks that ridiculous robot Mitt Romney. And the fact that at this point they are dead even in the polls is totally astounding to me and the public should really be ashamed of itself. There is no way that anyone with any amount of short term memory would vote for this guy. Here is a guy that was in Michigan this week, blaming labor unions for the economic crisis. In Michigan? You mean the state where they make cars? Where their entire economy is labor based? Who is advising this man?

And when asked if he would have given the order to kill Osama bin Laden he said, “Even Jimmy Carter would have given that order.” Really Mitt? Are you sure you are not on record saying that you would not challenge the sovereignty of Pakistan to get bin Laden? How is it that these two are even in the polls? What country am I living in? OK OK, I know it’s early, and I am sounding a bit alarmist, but remember 2000?

But the greater political waves were made by Obama when he acknowledged that he supports same sex marriage. Look even to a liberal this seems like a major political risk. Of course he didn’t win over the right wing maniacs that probably already believe that his entire presidency is secretly run by a gay/Kenyan/Muslim conspiracy from outer space that is coming to take away their guns and Bibles and eat their brains. He didn’t lose the gay vote that was already going to vote for him regardless of his stance on this issue, but what is concerning is the voters that are in the middle politically but whose religious beliefs may conflict with Obama’s statement. Now bear in mind that Obama is in no way suggesting that states lose their power to regulate marriage, and he is not attempting to introduce any legislation on the issue, he was just speaking from his heart. Although he should be commended for speaking from his heart, I really don’t want this to cost him an election that is already so close in the polls.

SPORTS

Floyd Mayweather Jr. beat Miguel Cotto convincingly and honorably, but I still won’t give him his props until he fights Manny Pacquiao. And how about that undercard though huh? I love Canelo Alvarez, he is as rare a fighter as a redheaded Mexican (Ok, bad example). And Floyd as usual, made his way into the ring with his intimidating entourage – 50 Cent, who has been shot multiple times, Floyd Mayweather Sr. who spent some time in jail, his uncle and trainer Roger Mayeather, who was a badass boxer himself, and oh yeah…Justin Bieber. Huh? Justin fucking Bieber? Are you serious? How the fuck does that happen? Were all five Backstreet Boys busy that night? Could you imagine if some crazy shit goes down and that posse ends up in the same jail cell together? Ummm…let’s see…who is getting gang-raped first?

The Knicks put up a valiant fight, but it was not to be, so let’s discuss the future. First off, and I hate to say this, but their point guard situation is dire. All three point guards all went down with career threatening knee injuries. Jeremy Lin was out the whole post season, Baron Davis, if he is lucky, might be back next year, Iman Shumpert – knee injury. Is there something about being in New York that destroys knees? You know, I was securely seat-belted on the Mike Woodson band wagon, but if how he manages the point position has something to do with these injuries then allow me to be the first to join the Phil Jackson recruiting club.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Bristol Palin thinks she is a political commentator now. Great, that’s all we need. This genius wrote that Obama’s kids influencing his decision to personally support gay marriage showed a lack of leadership. And that the only reason they feel that way is because they’ve watched “one too many episodes of ‘Glee’.” As opposed to what, Bristol? “16 and Pregnant?” I don’t watch Glee but if they have an episode with a tolerance theme she should probably watch it. Or maybe the one on preventing teenage pregnancy? You know, I usually think family issues are off limits, but how much “leadership” did Sarah Palin show when she decided to avoid the sex conversation with her own daughter? And anyone with kids knows that they absolutely should be an influence on you and your thinking, especially since they are the eyes by which you can see the future. Maybe if Sarah spent more time actually listening to her kids instead of drilling (no pun intended) her unreasonable morality on them, her daughter might not have gotten pregnant as a teenager. Can someone please knock Bristol up again so she can go away?

The JB Random Report All Time Bench & Coaching Staff 5/4/12

There really is no way to talk about baseball this week without addressing the potential career-ending injury sustained by Mariano Rivera. Unlike ESPN, I will not put his career into perspective at this time simply because it may not be over, and he could very well come back. I will say that he is, without a doubt and by far, the greatest closer ever. But he is 42 years old, and coming back from surgery at that age may be difficult. As far as shagging fly balls, this isn’t necessarily what caused him the injury. He did that as a workout, and could have very well sustained the same injury on the safety of a treadmill. Wishing Mo’ well…

A bench can be the difference between making the playoffs and staying home. Just ask the Yankees of the late 90’s who had former All-Stars like Luis Sojo, David Justice, and Darryl Strawberry on their championship team benches at one time or another. Bench players have to have two main characteristics, they have to be versatile, and be ready to play at a moments notice.

As for the second category, in Major League baseball, a manager has to wear so many hats, all while convincing a bunch of highly paid professionals to buy into his system of playing the game; a hard thing to do when most of your players make more than you do. So here it goes, the last and most important components of my all-time baseball team…

The JB Random Report All-time Bench and Coaching Staff

The Bench:

Shortstop, Outfield, First, Second or Third Base: Honus Wagner (1897-1917) BA: .329 HR: 101 RBI: H: 3430. He went into the Baseball Hall of Fame as a shortstop, but actually played five different positions during his amazing career, so how can he not be the ultimate utility man? The man with the most famous baseball card of all had 722 stolen bases, and 8 National League batting titles helps as well. “The Flying Dutchman” was considered by both Dodgers owner Branch Rickey and Hall of Fame manager John McGraw as the greatest player they had ever seen.

Third Base, Shortstop: Alex Rodriguez (1994-Present) BA: .301 HR: 633 RBI: 1904 H: 2800. A-Rod is everything that they say he is, and that’s rare in this game. He is without a doubt the greatest player of his era, even though he is not the greatest winner of his era. He is a 3-time MVP, and would have easily broken the all-time homerun record for shortstops had he not gone to the Yankees to play third base. When all is said and done Rodriguez will break the all time home run record currently held by Barry Bonds, and he will do it without nearly as much controversy. As far as his steroid use, well if you are going to let two out of the 18 years of his career so heavily influence your overall opinion of it, then you are selling yourself short. If he decides to continue his nomadic ways though, he will break the record with as little enthusiasm from baseball fans as Bonds. Having said that, I really do believe that he will do it in pinstripes, as it should be.

Outfield: Ty Cobb (1905-1928) BA: .367 HR: 117 RBI: 727 H: 4191. He retired from baseball with 90 all-time records. Cobb was both the game's biggest asshole, and the game’s fiercest competitor. His batting accomplishments are sick - a lifetime average of .367, the highest in history. 297 triples, 4,191 hits, 12 batting titles (including nine in a row), 23 straight seasons in which he hit over .300, three .400 seasons (topped by a .420 mark in 1911), and 2,245 runs. “The Georgia Peach” also stole 892 bases during a 24-year career, primarily with the Detroit Tigers.

Catcher: Ivan Rodriguez (1991-2012) BA: .296 HR: 311 RBI: 1332 H: 2844. Every team needs a back up catcher, and who better than someone who hit nearly .300 with 13 Gold Gloves at the position?

Outfield: Hank Aaron (1954-1976) BA: .302 HR: 755 RBI: 2279 H: 3771. Hank Aaron became the all-time home run champion via one of the quietest, most consistent offensive careers in baseball history. In addition to his 755 home runs, he also holds the major league record for total bases, extra-base hits and RBI. Aaron was named the 1957 National League MVP, won three Gold Gloves for his play in right field and was named to a record 24 All-Star squads. I would platoon him at either corner of the outfield, but he didn’t have the speed for center.

Outfield: Joe DiMaggio (1936-1942, 1946-1951) BA: .325 HR: 361 RBI: 1537 H: 2214. “The Clipper” was the best all around Yankee player ever. DiMaggio personified dignity and a serious love for the game. He was one of the most graceful ballplayers ever both on the field and at bat. Many rate his 56-consecutive-game hitting streak in 1941 as the top baseball feat of all time. Even losing prime years to military service, he won two batting championships and three MVP awards. In 13 seasons he amassed 361 homers, averaged 118 RBI annually and compiled a .325 lifetime batting mark. At baseball's 1969 Centennial Celebration, he was named the game's greatest living player.

Outfield: Ken Griffey Jr. (1989-2010) BA: .284 HR: 630 RBI: 1836 H: 2781. How scary is it that these are Hall of Fame numbers and he missed so much time due to various injuries. His swing was a thing of beauty and perfection, he could hit any pitch to any part of the field. And his play in the outfield was just as great to watch. He would have killed every offensive record a long time ago and without controversy had he not been so fragile. Earning 10 Gold Gloves, he could have played any outfield position on my team.

Most Honorable Mention:

Outfield: Ted Williams (1939-1942, 1946-1960) BA: 344 HR: 521 RBI: 1839 H: 2654. He didn’t have the power of Aaron, or the glove of Griffey Jr., but when you talk about heroes, I mean the type that John Wayne played in so many movies, Ted Williams was every one of them. The Red Sox' Ted Williams was one of baseball's greatest hitters. Combining keen vision with quick wrists and a scientific approach to hitting, he set numerous batting records despite missing nearly five full seasons due to military service and two major injuries. His accomplishments include a .406 season in 1941, two Triple Crowns, two MVPs, six American League batting championships, 521 home runs, a lifetime average of .344, 17 All-Star game selections, and universal reverence.

The Coaching Staff:

Manager: Joe McCarthy (1926-1946, 1948-1950) W-L: 2126-1335 PCT: .614. There are so many reasons why McCarthy is the greatest manager of all time, but I will give you one that is not so obvious in the numbers. Hack Wilson could have very well been the greatest power hitter of all time, and would have had the numbers to back it up had it not been for a serious alcohol problem. He still managed to accumulate Hall of Fame numbers thanks to the only manager who could control him, then Chicago Cubs manager Joe McCarthy. Joe McCarthy is best known as the Yankees manager of the 1930s and early 1940s. He finished his long career with an all-time best winning percentage of .614. Over a 24-year major league career, he achieved nine pennants - one with the Cubs and the rest with the Yankees, including four World Championships in a row from 1936 to 1939. His teams also placed second seven times, and he never finished out of the first division, compiling an impressive 2,126 wins.

The Bench Coach: John McGraw (1899, 1901-1932) W-L: 2840-1984 PCT: .589. John McGraw was a fiery, innovative, autocratic field manager who often baited umpires. In his 31 years at the helm of the New York Giants, “Little Napoleon’s” teams won 10 pennants, finished second 11 times and took home three World Series trophies. He ranks second all-time with 2,840 wins. As a player, he was credited with helping to develop the hit-and-run, the Baltimore chop, the squeeze play and other strategic moves that he later incorporated into the teams he managed.

First Base Coach: Connie Mack (1894-1896, 1901-1950) W-L: 3776-4025 PCT: .484. Cornelius “Connie Mack” McGillicuddy was once a catcher, but made his mark as a manager. After a stint at the helm of Pittsburgh, he assumed control of the Philadelphia Athletics in 1901 and continued for 50 years until retirement at the age of 88. The Tall Tactician, best remembered as a dignified, scorecard-waving leader in a business suit, won five World Series crowns and built two dynasties - with four pennants in five years from 1910 to 1914 and three in a row from 1929 to 1931. He holds the mark for wins (3,776) by a skipper.

Third base Coach: Billy Martin (1969, 1971-1983, 1988) W-L: 1253-1013 PCT: .553. The word “genius” is so over used today that it almost holds no meaning, but when talking about Billy Martin, the term is well deserved. He thought the game like no one else, and had a strategy and counter strategy for everything another team could do. A winner with every team he managed, he is best remembered as the Yankee manager who bled Yankee blue and got them to two pennants and a World Series in 1977. Third base coach is ideal for Martin as he would be the one giving the signs on the field and telling runners when to run for home plate; a perfect contrast to the businessman that was Connie Mack at first base coach.

Pitching Coach: Leo Mazzone (1990-2005, 2005-2007) As long time Pitching coach for the Atlanta Braves, he made magic with pitchers, young and old, free agents and rookies, washed-up mid-career men and successful veterans. Some of his pitchers (like Greg Maddux) came to the Braves and stayed as good as they ever were. Some (like John Thomson, Mike Remlinger, Denny Neagle and John Burkett) came to the Braves and improved. Still others (like Tom Glavine and John Smoltz) accumulated all or most of their future Hall of Fame credentials with him. Maddux, Glavine and Smoltz together won six Cy Young Awards under his tutelage. Ten different Braves pitchers have been named All-Stars during his 15 years with the Braves.

Hitting Coach: Charlie Lau (1968-1984) George Brett is in the Hall of Fame because of Charlie Lau and his “spray hitting” style. Lau was a part of Hall of Fame baseball careers in other ways as well. He caught Warren Spahn’s no hitter in 1961 and saved Frank Robinson from drowning in a swimming pool accident. But his greatest work came in Kansas City, where he took a crop of young players and made them outstanding hitters. Under his tutelage, Brett and Hal McRae battled for the 1976 batting title. In seven seasons, ten of Lau's hitters had .300 batting averages.