Duck If You're Wearing a Hoodie! 3/22/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

A Brief History Lesson for Redneck Morons…

Remember the good ol’ days when those negroes knew their place? Where whenever those race agitators came down here starting trouble we would form ourselves a posse and go “a regulatin’?” Yup, I reckon y’all miss them days just as much as the next Confederate flag waving Neanderthal, so what can we do?

Well, we’ve gotten so politically correct ‘round these here parts that you can’t even join a good, wholesome Christian organization like the Ku Klux Klan without  everyone being a cop and rattin’ you out to the FBI (that’s the Federal Bureau of Integration if ya ask me!). So why not rename our posse of right thinkin’ folks to a “Neighborhood Watch?” It sounds so much nicer don’t it? No one would ever go against the idea of folks just watchin’ the streets lookin’ for anyone who might commit a crime in our decent neighborhood. Crimes like wearing them skinny pants or a hoodie like the kids say these days, or talkin’ on one of them fancy, high falutin’ phones that take pictures.

So if you see a stranger, don’t forget to shoot first and ask questions later…especially if you find a dangerous bag of candy in his hand after you shoot him, he could have killed you with that!

Look, no one knows all the facts of the Trayvon Martin case, but even absent that, this is one of those times where the outrage is warranted. It shouldn’t be open season on kids walking around a neighborhood where no one knows them. No one should have to be stopped, followed or be made to feel like a criminal in any neighborhood, for any reason and certainly not by untrained civilians.

Do you know why us New York Pinko Liberals are so against that whole “stop-and-frisk” policy of the NYPD? Because the Martin case is the worst case scenario of what can happen when people who say they enforce the law, but don’t seem to actually know it, go unchecked. And this is also one of those times where protests occurring even outside of Florida because of this case, like the one held by the Occupy Wall Street protesters, is not people just blindly looking for an issue to yell about. Why? Because this could happen anywhere in America, so the population of the city of Anywhere, America has to respond.

So until George Zimmerman, whose mug shot looks like he’s just a parents-basement-dwelling, Star Trek-loving, wannabe cop that couldn’t quite pass the weight or psychological exams, even in a less than strict state like Florida, is arrested, then there really should be no peace.

SPORTS

Looks like the Knicks are Lin-ing once again. In what really was a must win for the Knicks last night they beat the conference leading Philadelphia 76’ers and now have the tie breaker should they have equal records at the end of the season. However, the emotional peaks and valleys of this season may take their toll on the team. This 5 game winning streak under new coach Mike Woodson can’t possibly last forever, so after they lose a few will everyone abandon the idea of them being a winning team? I hope not, because it looks like they are finally playing with heart.

Jeremy Lin continues to have steady games as their starting point guard, and I think it’s more than obvious that they have found their man at that position. Maybe he is not scoring 30 a game, but neither did John Stockton or Magic Johnson and I doubt they would be kicked off any team.

Oh wait, there was another story in New York Sports this week right? Imagine having the two biggest fan favorites with a limited body of work, Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow in the same city. It was only a dream until yesterday when the J-E-T-S JetsJetsJets! inexplicably decided to trade for Tebow. That should make Mark Sanchez happy, given his strong personality and all.

Seriously why would the Jets do this? Maybe because Tony Sporano is their new OC and he likes to run wildcat offensive packages. But even in Philadelphia where they had some success with this, Kevin Kolb was eventually traded. They already sell tickets, so the only reason would be to steal headlines from the NY Giants. That’s never a good reason to do anything.

Make no mistake, Tim Tebow is a great football player, but he is not an NFL quarterback yet. Anyone taking him would have to change their offense if they want him to start. But even in a limited role, he does bring a strong work ethic, leadership skills and a will to win that, let’s face it, the Jets were sorely lacking. I really like this guy, I wish him well.

Oh yeah…and Andy Pettitte is coming back, just in case anyone was living under a rock

THIS WEEKS REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US  

An excerpt from an article in the Los Angeles Times on March 20,2012:

“Nokia is taking steps to make sure you never miss another phone call, text or email alert again: The company has filed a patent for a tattoo that would send "a perceivable impulse" to your skin whenever someone tried to contact you on the phone.

According to the patent filed with the United States Patent and Trademark Office, the phone would communicate with the tattoo through magnetic waves. The phone would emit magnetic waves and the tattoo would act as a receiver. When the waves hit the tattoo, it would set off a tactile response in the user's skin.”

Ok and just what in the blue fuck is this? I thought big brother was supposed to force us into something this intrusive. It looks like we have become so stupid as a society we actually think this is cool.

Let The Pigeons Loose! 3/15/12

It was my birthday weekend last week, so I figured I would take it off, that coupled with the harsh realization that I share my birthday with Mitt Romney, (I’m serious) put me in such a foul mood I couldn’t inspire myself to write. I did celebrate well though. There is nothing like starting off the day with great Spring-like weather in March, then ending said day at Hooters!

Well it’s that time again folks. That’s right…the time when I face my nemesis yet again, as I do every March. The time where I test my wits against the most worthy of opponents…yup, it’s March Madness, and I am once again ready to compare my brackets with that of my chief rival…President Barack Obama!

Last year I admit he beat me by a few games, but this year I am once again ready to face the most powerful man in the world in something I actually might be able to beat him in, so let the pigeons loose!

Of course I am, as I do every year barring some miracle, picking the Tar Heels to win it all. I agree with the top seeds, but I think Syracuse is going to have a hard time due to the absence of Fab Melo. Kentucky will go deep but ultimately does not have the maturity to win it all. So in the words of Dick Vitale…It’s tournament time baaaby!

Sticking with basketball, the trade deadline came and went, more with a whimper than a bang. Seriously when was the last time that the trade deadline in the NBA brought us anything really interesting? The biggest name in all of this, Dwight Howard is a flake, and this circus surrounding where he was to play next year hurt both his team and his reputation. In dragging this out as he has done, he has gotten the owners to publicly state that Howard can fire both the head coach and general manager.

Needless to say, that is power a player should never have. Ok which quality basketball coach wants to go to Orlando now? At this point they would have to drag Mickey Mouse out of the Magic Kingdom by his ears. The Magic really should treat this situation carefully, as they have mad horrible free agency decisions throughout their brief history, the worst being letting Shaquille O’Neal just leave the team via free agency and not getting anything in return for him. It took them nearly two decades to recover from that, and they would be foolish to allow that to happen to their organization again.

As for the Knicks, don’t think for one second that the team collapsing onto itself was entirely the fault of Mike D’Antoni who quit yesterday because his superstar quit on him and his system. Carmelo Anthony just needed the ball in his hand and was not happy with D’Antoni’s style of run and gun for the first guy open. This style made the benchwarmers happy, (right Jeremy Lin?) but it took shots away from Anthony. Ironically enough, in dismantling Portland (which also led to the firing of their coach, Nate McMillan) last night, they finally bought into D’Antoni’s system, the only problem being that he was no longer coaching the team.

Now, do I believe that Anthony was responsible for D’Antoni resigning a-la Paul Westhead vs. Magic Johnson with the 80's Lakers? No. But it was the frustration of losing that locker room and not having the support of his stars that ultimately caused him to quit. And by the way, his contract was up this year and there was no way it was getting renewed. Had D’Antoni at least attempted to stress defense they might have won more games in spite of the friction, but alas it was just not to be.

But don’t judge this man too harshly Knicks fans. As you spend the next off-season kneeling before Phil Jackson and kissing the 11 Championship rings, remember this; had it not been for D’Antoni rolling the dice on some of his lesser known players, you would have never known that Steve Novak could shoot, or that Jeremy Lin could really play. And on that subject, let me say that I’m still all-Lin, regardless of the fact that the team had not been winning. Give Lin some time; he is your point guard. In a Phil Jackson triangle offense, he could thrive just as Derek Fisher did, and Lin is a better player, so imagine that scenario.   

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

One of the more liberal political commentators in the United States shares his birthday with a conservative robot…bummer!

Can We PLEASE Have Death Panels Now? 3/2/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

You know, if a fat drug addicted buffoon like Rush Limbaugh called me a slut, I wouldn’t be offended; it was just the hillbilly heroin talking! So my message to Sandra Fluke is…come on, don’t be so “stunned and outraged” by someone who will never apologize to you and is already doubling down on stupid by suggesting that you now release a sex tape just because you want to be in control of your own reproductive rights. Is this the person you want an apology from?

Let me give you an illustration: Maybe, you might ask Yoko Ono to apologize for breaking up the Beatles, right? She is not totally nuts just yet. But would you ask Courtney Love for an apology for fucking up Nirvana? Probably not for fear of your personal safety. I don’t think you get a contact high from prescription drugs but I still wouldn’t go near that maniac. So don’t worry about what Rush says just because he has minions of other nitwits hanging on every word coming out of his big fat donut-pizza-bacon-cheese fried breathed mouth.

SPORTS

LIN-sanity over? Did you say over? NOTHING is over until we say it is! Was it over when the Germans bombed Pearl Harbor? Hell no! And it ain’t over now! (It’s a quote from Animal House. The Germans didn’t bomb Pearl Harbor, but I had to explain that because I know Tea Baggers read my blog. I hate have having to explain a joke, it loses so much after that).

I think against Cleveland he finally had an even game where he blended well with A’mare Stoudamire and Carmelo Anthony, and the bench played great. You know, I lived through those great Patrick Ewing teams of the 90’s, but for some reason I’m more into this current team.

And speaking of the NBA, look…I’m not impressed with your brilliant idea for “Hispanic Heritage Month” were you stick a Latin pre-fix on your team’s name and call it a “tribute.” What’s next? Free tacos for everyone whenever the home team scores 100 points? How lame is this? “Los Suns?” gimmie a friggin’ break. Are you people even aware that there is actually a Spanish word for “Sun?”

Seriously you wanna impress me? How about instead of “Los Lakers,” you spring for the extra letters and put “Los Lageros” on the jerseys in LA? “Los Soles de Phoenix” sounds good. How about “Los Busca Caminos de Portland?” or “El Calor de Miami?” Look sure there are probably no translations for some team names and “Los Knicks” would be acceptable in such cases, but come on, with such a huge Latino population in California you rich white guys can’t afford “Los Reyes de Sacramento” on a jersey for a month? Hire some people that actually know the language you are trying to honor, at least enough to properly improvise (like I did) when there is not a clear translation for the name. No bueno, gringos!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Is it true that Snookie from the Jersey Shore is pregnant? Because if it is then can we have Social Services intervene now? Or is that too much government intervention? I think I am now in favor of death panels. In a related story, Rick Santorum was released from the hospital today with a neck brace. He suffered the mild injury after learning that Snookie was pregnant then changing his stance on birth control so fast his head spun!