The JB Random Report 5/27/10

It’s sad when someone you dated, grew up with and even admired once has decided to use the college education that you helped her get (by studying, I'm no one's fucking Sugar Daddy)to do nothing of intellectual value; unless of course you call desperately seeking fame by being the broke, ghetto version of “Snookie” a lofty aspiration.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

“Where the press is free and everyone able to read…all is safe.”

Thomas Jefferson uttered those words centuries ago, and I still believe he is right, but then I get the shit scared outta be by things like this…

The Texas State Board of Education adopted a social studies and history curriculum last week that amends or waters down the teaching of the civil rights movement, slavery, America's relationship with the U.N. and hundreds of other items. In final edits leading up to the vote, conservatives rejected language to modernize the classification of historic periods to B.C.E. and C.E. from the traditional B.C. and A.D. They voted on teaching the Judeo-Christian influences of the nation's Founding Fathers and attempted to water down rationale for the separation of church and state. They also required that public school students in Texas evaluate efforts by global organizations such as the United Nations to enter the 21st Century, or as Texans like to call it “undermine U.S. sovereignty.” Needless to say, the criticism from those with a brain has been plentiful, mostly because it is obvious that conservative maniacs have taken over the asylum, but they say it’s for politicizing education. Is “religionalizing” a word? Because that’s what it really is.

And here’s some more disappointment - The U.S. Justice Department has concluded its criminal probe into AIG and will not pursue charges against the insurer or its senior executives. The decision to end the two-year investigation was made after the Justice Department determined there wasn't enough evidence to bring criminal charges against AIG or its executives. Really? Prosecutors began an investigation into AIG after the government had to bail the insurer out in September 2008 with an $85 billion emergency loan from the Federal Reserve Bank of New York. The cost of its rescue has more than doubled since then.
The report said investigators were focusing on whether CEO Joseph Cassano and his crew misled investors when he stated in 2007 that the insurer's portfolio of so-called credit default swaps would not produce significant losses. Well, they did, and no one is to blame for it. I hope the SEC doesn’t let these assholes off the hook, I will be watching.

AMERICAN IDOL & ENTERTAINMENT

It’s been a rough month for some of my favorite musicians hasn’t it? Bono of U2 had to cancel a few shows due to emergency back surgery, After suffering a brain hemorrhage Brett Michaels (certainly not a favorite for his music, but that ridiculous “Rock of Love” show is an admitted guilty pleasure) had a stroke, and such was the case for one of my all time favorite frontmen, Gustavo Cerati of Soda Stereo. I love how CNN has been reporting the Cerati story- “Argentine rocker suffers mini stroke” has been the feed on the bottom of the screen. Ok, no name? For all we know it could have been Diego Maradona trying to hit someone with a big stone.

Speaking of Brett Michaels, it was cool to see his recovery come full circle playing with Casey on the finale of American Idol. But admit it, you all thought about the history that could have been made if he had had another stroke and dropped dead right on stage.
For the first time, I was actually disappointed with an Idol finale. First of all the wrong person won, but Lee DeWyze certainly needed the win more than Crystal Bowersox does. She can get a record deal without being the American Idol. The show left a lot to be desired as well. All of the former Idols singing to Simon was pretty cool, but David Cook was noticeably absent, rumors are that he was eaten by Kelly Clarkson. And Janet Jackson looks like she might have swallowed Tito, because her ass has gotten so big Kevin Costner called and wants to use it to plug that oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico. And how do you give Christina Aguilera time to noise pollute us with her poisonous pop drivel and only let the great Joe Cocker perform one song? I don’t know about you, but I doubt I will be watching next year unless something great is planned.

SPORTS

I have no idea what the firing of Mike Brown means for LeBron James’ status…and you know what? I really don’t care. The guy is gonna sign with someone eventually, that’s when it will be news. To spend the next 40 days speculating would be a boring waste of time, besides, the World Cup is gonna be on.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I like Barack Obama, I was proud to vote for him. But we have a financial crisis that is far from over, and more immediately an environmental disaster in the Gulf of Mexico due to an oil spill that the government has been slow to respond to. I reported on it last month and it’s still spilling. Sir, we don’t need you to campaign for the Chicago Bulls to get LeBron James, we need those first two problems resolved…now. How is it that someone who I have always labeled as pro active has dragged his feet on such a horrible environmental event? That crap has been spewing into the Gulf for a month. A month and you are talking about LeBron going to Chicago? You like sports analogies Mr. President? I have one for you…our Southern coast is being severely damaged, please try and keep your eye on the ball!

The JB Random Report 5/20/10

Just once in my life I would like to be sexually harassed on the subway by a girl who actually doesn’t look like Gen. Omar Bradley!

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I really don’t think that New York Governor David Patterson is a bad guy, just not a very effective governor. Now given how he got the job in the first place, by having to replace a hooker loving predecessor forced to resign in disgrace, he does deserve some slack. However, when more than one camp is calling for former Gov. Eliot Spitzer to make a comeback, you must really suck.
Spitzer, who has increased his media presence lately by writing editorials, and showing up on Realtime with Bill Maher, still says he has no plans to run for office again. Too bad, because I never saw anything he did that made him unfit for office, and given how Wall Street has run amok with our money quicker than Lindsay Lohan with someone else’s credit card, someone once known as the “Sheriff of Wall Street” wouldn’t be a bad choice right now would he? Seriously how many of the Puritanical hypocrites who called for his resignation would turn a blind eye if they knew he would get them their 401ks back?

Speaking of which, looks like the debate for financial reform is actually going to start in our lifetime. Isn’t it nice to see a President who is pro-active about something other than killing people?

SPORTS

Once again it’s the beginning of the baseball season, once again the Yankees are hurt, and once again fans are needlessly panicking. It’s May, relax. Although it’s not too early to complain about sloppy play in the field (right Marcus Thames?) and about the bullpen not being able to hold big leads in late innings. Now, the last thing any Yankee fan wants to do is have to worry about Mariano Rivera, so let’s just decide not to do it.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I have a bigger emotional investment in my laundry detergent than I do who the fuck wins the Miss USA Pageant, until of course, something entertaining happens, and this is one of those times…In a pageant that has seen it’s share of retards who can’t find their own state on a map, sex tape and alcoholism scandals, with a touch of homophobia thrown in, it’s nice to see the latest winner, Rima Fakih is keeping the tradition alive in her own way. Looks like this sweet, innocent Muslim girl offended some of her community by appearing in a beauty contest in a bikini and lingerie; something frowned upon by the more conservative religious Muslims. Well I wonder what the reaction will be when they find out about her first ummm ”victory” in the Mojo in the Morning 2007 Stripper 101 Contest. Prizes included sex toys and her very own stripper pole, something no modern home should be without! Now let’s just hope no one gets their turban in a flap over this, and if she’s lucky, the only stoning involved will be with a huge bong.
Now I have nothing against a hot Arab chick (or any hot chick for that matter) in a bikini. My problem isn’t with the conservative Muslim community’s reaction to this girl. My problem is with conservative America’s reaction …Debbie Schlussel, conservative blogger and self-titled expert on "radical Islam" and "Islamic terrorism," (where she achieved said expertise remains to be discovered) claims that "Intelligence sources have confirmed at least three of Rima Fakih's relatives are currently top officials in Hezbollah and that at least eight Fakih family members were Hezbollah terrorists." Intelligence sources? Is she fucking kidding with this? She goes on to write that her campaign was even financed by members of the terrorist group. Now I have no idea who this Schlussel wanna-be is, I just thought her opening headline “Terrorist in a Bikini” was kinda funny in a ridiculous, misinformed and ignorant sort of way. But it is this type of thinking that really does reach a new level of American stupid.

The JB Random Report 5/13/10

No, I don’t have ADHD…you are just really fucking boring!

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

In choosing Solicitor General Elena Kagan as his next nominee to the United States Supreme Court, President Barack Obama has managed to achieve three important goals at once. He's picked another distinguished woman to become a justice, so for the first time in history three women will sit at the same time on the high court. He's chosen a younger person (relatively speaking, of course. In this group of fossils, 50 is considered an infant) to the court, and he's selected a candidate whom some Senate Republicans were publicly signaling they'd confirm even before she was named. The honeymoon may be over already though, as a picture posted of Kagan playing softball, began hater speculation that she might be a lesbian. A lesbian because she plays softball? Are you fucking nuts? Well Sarah Palin shoots things that can’t shoot back, a la Dick Cheney, does that make her evil? Ok bad example…

Seriously if that’s how far these Republican nitwits have to stretch then they are electing her all by themselves. My biggest problem with this picture is how low her front elbow is. That will prevent better follow through on her swing.

Now, underlying issues aside, her main goal is gonna have to be to sway the constant “swing vote” Justice Anthony Kennedy a bit less to the right. So expect a lot of 5-4 rulings over the next decade should she get confirmed, I just hope they are on the correct side.

ENTERTAINMENT

I think I’m going to stop complaining about how shitty music is today…at least for a while. I think my “scared straight” moment is when I heard 60 Minutes resident fossil, 91 year old Andy Rooney complain about not being able to identify with those selling records today. He says that he’s "heard of Sting and the Rolling Stones" in an attempt to sound, I’m assuming, somewhat current. Too bad someone needs to tell him that both those acts are already at retirement age. "The singers I know have been replaced by Justin Bieber, Lady Gaga and Usher...I mean, who?" Well yeah, I kinda know how you feel, but when I say it, I’m being sarcastic.
"They're selling millions of songs by singers that I've never heard of, and that must mean I'm out of the American mainstream, and definitely not average." No Andy, you are just older than Julius Caesar, that’s all. "I don't know who Lady Gaga is, and kids today probably don't know who Ella Fitzgerald is. Maybe we should call it even." Ahhh…no again, Andy. See, Lady Gaga might not be able to carry Ella Fitzgerald’s laundry, I totally agree, but only one of them is actually still alive. Given that you are a journalist, whose responsibility it is to remain current even in the face of shitty music, that really is something you should know. Now if Sting is the most current artist he knows, maybe we should wait to tell him about Nirvana and Metallica…he might have a heart attack if he hears “Territorial Pissings” or “Creeping Death.” And certainly keep him away from Lil Wayne and “Pussy Monster”

SPORTS

Given all he has done in his career, added to how awful the Seattle Mariners have been, Ken Griffey Jr. can take a nap during a game if he wants to.

Given all he has done in his career, added to how awful the Cleveland Cavaliers have been before he got there, LeBron James can have a bad game if he wants to.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

OK at this point isn’t it really, finally time to research whether or not Arizona Gov. Jan Brewer has any Klan or Nazi ties in her recent past? Sue me if you want, I really don’t give a fuck. But if you do, I will be introducing the following into evidence…She signed a bill this week banning ethnic studies in public schools, less than a month after she signed an immigration bill requiring police officers to ask for proof of residency papers from anyone they suspect of being an illegal immigrant.

The law bans classes that are designed for a particular ethnic group, promote overthrow of the U.S. government, foster resentment toward a particular race or class, or "advocate ethnic solidarity instead of the treatment of pupils as individuals." Unlike this waste of space, I didn’t graduate from, and I am not making this up, Glendale Community College. I actually went to a real University, and I don’t remember “Overthrow US Government 101” ever being in the syllabus of my liberal, elitist, subversive academic institution.
I think it a miracle that this woman would be elected to run a pie tasting booth at a county fair much less a state in the Union, and whoever voted for this retard should be ashamed of themselves.

The JB Random Report 5/6/10

There’s a lot to be said for a white chick with an “all-over” tan…it’s mostly very very good.

There is nothing worse then sitting next to a fat chick on the train that smells like French Fries…very very bad.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

It only took investigators 53 hours to find the asshole that tried to set off a car bomb in the middle of Times Square. They caught this Pakistani fool on board a plane headed to Dubai. I think the FBI should be insulted by how stupid this guy was. The bomb didn’t even go off because Moron didn’t open the propane tanks and tried to use firecrackers as a fuse…he should get life with out parole just for being a fucking idiot. Not to be outdone in stupidity, the Pakistani Taliban at first actually claimed responsibility for the failed attack. Seriously how sad and powerless must you be when you are taking credit for an attack that was ultimately thwarted by a street vender and wouldn’t have gone off anyway? Peace to Duane Jackson, a handbag seller twice as smart as any of these wannabe terrorist nitwits.

In equally charming news, a few weeks ago I criticized President Obama for caving to Republican pressure and allowing off shore drilling off the coast of Virginia. Well after the current situation in the Gulf of Mexico, I hope he reconsiders. Notice how silent those “Drill Baby Drill” assholes are now? Yeah it’s kinda hard to shout out stupidities when you are drowning in spilled crude oil, unless of course they are blaming Obama for an oil spill. It’s the people of Louisiana who are once again taking a huge environmental hit. Still recovering from Katrina 5 years ago, an oil spill was the last thing they needed. The response has been swift and competent; a refreshing change from Republicans who respond only after they calculate how much profit will be gained from the rescue effort.

The combination of these events may have effectively killed Homeland Security Director Janet Napolitano’s chances at a Supreme Court nomination. Not to mention she is the former Governor of Arizona, a state that has been getting a bit of attention nowadays isn’t it? For the record, she vetoed similar laws when she was in office. But kinda like the Yankees not starting Joba Chamberlain, she is desperately needed where she is right now, and her position can’t afford someone less competent.

SPORTS

Speaking of the Yankees, it’s way too early for the MASH Unit to be activated in the Bronx, but it looks like 4 key players are gonna be out for a while - Curtis Granderson, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada and now Andy Pettitte with that elbow. They couldn’t have picked a worse time to be hurt as this weekend is that big series against the Boston Red Sox at Fenway.

The only comment I’m going to make about the Lawrence Taylor story is that I hope it isn’t true.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Some traditions die hard. In the spirit of booing and throwing things at a Santa Claus on Christmas, cheering as Michael Irvin suffered a career ending neck injury or just purposely vomiting on a child, it’s nice to see that sports fans in Philadelphia have not lost their mojo. Monday night during a Phillies home game, some asshole decided it would be a good idea to run on to the field. Pencil neck was not just stopped by security, that wouldn’t be a story; no…he was tasered by police. Tasered…at a ball game. Seriously when you leave your house to go the stadium, does the thought that you may end up tasered tonight ever enter your mind? Police procedure dictates that tasering is acceptable when a criminal suspect is fleeing the scene of a crime, but was this idiot really a threat, or just a moron? Because if we can taser morons there are a lot of people in my immediate grab area that will be going home electrocuted tonight. There is no way that force such as this is acceptable at a ball game. Especially considering that there are hundreds of deaths every year attributed to the use of this so called “non-lethal” force. I can understand using it on a criminal suspect fleeing a bank robbery, but the guy was running in the middle of Citizens Bank Park for the purposes of making a complete ass of himself in front of 40,000 people, seriously where was he going to flee to? What serious crime was he committing? I heard sports reporters saying that this would serve as a deterrent for anyone else attempting to run onto the field. Really? Well, that lasted a mere 24 hours as last night another idiot promptly did the same thing, only this time no one was tasered. Too bad no amount of tasering could deter him from wearing those pants.