The 19 Girls You Meet before You Find "The One"

So I was scrolling through the “Buzzfeed” website the other day and I came across this article entitled “The 19 Guys You Meet Before You Find ‘The One’.” I have to admit this kinda bothered me for a number of reasons. Not that I am overly old school, but I would hate to think that the woman that considers me “The One” could only come to that realization by first spreading her legs for 18 losers before me. What does that really say about her judgment?
Now if you think that view is a bit too conservative, I really don’t give a fuck, however I will still address your concern: When you call a man “conservative” or “insecure” just because he does not want a certain type of woman, then call a woman “selective” when she rejects certain types of men, you really are not doing much for that whole “gender equality” thing. Remember it’s called “equality.” I am entitled to my personal tastes as you are yours.

It also bothered me that out of those 19 men listed, 17 of them were just man hating stereotypes that bitter women complain about while sitting in a circle in matching yoga pants, drinking cheap wine and practicing witchcraft. But the worst part of this so-called article is that the author doesn’t even offer any positive resolution at all. Even the last entry is simply “the one who could have been the one.” The one who “could have been?” Then why even write the article to begin with if you have no real insight at all? Why should we sit through 19 of your relationship failures if you have nothing to offer other than a hateful rant? So I decided to come up with a list of my own, and unlike that hateful Buzzfeed article, I actually offer some hope. Keep in mind that I am aware that there may be a lot more categories (feel free to add your own) and that some of these may overlap…

The One Who Could Kick Your Ass – She is your size, your height, and to this day you still can’t figure out how she was able to get you in a headlock. OK, well maybe it was because you were both 8 years old, but still. When the first words out of her mouth are “You better kiss me or I’m gonna punch you” you know you’re in trouble.

 The High School Sweetheart – You thought you would be together forever didn’t you? Well one of you fucked that up.

The College Sweetheart – She’s only slept with one other guy before you -The High School Sweetheart. She made you wait. You did everything together that freshman year. You still hooked up a few times after that, but she eventually outgrew you after fucking her Psychology professor.

The Chick Who Had a Boyfriend – Hey you don’t know him, right? And if this chick is not happy at home that’s not your problem. However, when she blames the affair on you because you failed to ask if she had a boyfriend before she let you treat her like a farm animal in bed, then this is a chick that overlaps into the delusional category of this list. If she is the type of chick that will solve her self-esteem problems at home by having one night stands she refuses to be accountable for, you can skip to the next one.

The One Who Got Away – She was young, beautiful, respectful, and from a decent family and for some odd reason, totally crazy about a shmuck like you. But your dumb ass was too preoccupied with winning academic awards in college that are pretty meaningless in the real world, to notice how great she was.  She had enough, and you tried to get her back, but it was too late. You are facebook friends, but she is happily married now. This one really hurt, take it as a life lesson and don’t let the same dog bite you twice.

The One Who Went Away – This was the time. You were ready to finally settle down. Everyone liked her, your friends, your family. Then after watching one too many episodes of “The View” she decides that maybe she can do better and that you are making her feel trapped. Yeah trapped because you are offering her everything that she has been saying she wanted since she was 12. But since the Lifetime movie of the week makes it look so cool to break up with the perfect guy so that you can “find yourself,” she decided that she is better off alone. After she realized that TV is not real life, she calls you back offering you a chance to apologize. How’s that working out for you, hon?

The Pathological Liar – To some degree, we have all dealt with this one. From the one who calls herself a “Law Student” because she is taking a law class at a community college, to the one that invites you to a party at her parents house and informs everyone that it is your engagement party; everyone, that is, except you. She just makes shit up for no apparent reason. And after the break-up, makes up a myriad of suitors to make you jealous, when what you really are doing is thanking God for helping you dodge a bullet that would have cost thousands of dollars of your retirement income on psychotherapy.

The One Who Was Not Pretty at All, But SO Incredible in Bed That You Couldn’t Stop Calling Her – We all have one. You know who she is, and right now you are wondering whether or not her number is still in your phone.

The One Who Called Herself a “Survivor” But Had No Real Problems That Were Not Self-Created – In 2006 she had the traumatic experience of brushing up against some guys crotch on a crowded subway, then called a rape crisis hotline for the next 7 months. Makes it a point to tell you how fucked up her life has been, especially that time when her parents refused to buy her a car for her Sweet 16. “I have too many problems in my life to date anyone right now.” Is just coded language for “why won’t somebody love me?” Is totally oblivious to the fact that there are real people out there with real problems, and feels that MTV is sending her subliminal messages through the television telling her that she is destined for a higher calling. She wants to share her grief with the world so that everyone will benefit from her experience, the problem is that she has no real experience.

The Angry Chick – She feels cheated, rejected and disillusioned. She is the one making up reasons why a pet is better than a man then posting it on social media. All she really needed was a hug, but when she didn’t get it, she went domestic terrorist on every website she could find. She just went through a horrible experience with a man, and wants to take it out on the next guy she dates -  guess who?

The Wanna-Be Intellectual Revolutionary – She insists that her family just doesn’t understand her simply because they were always telling her to shut the fuck up. Read one book on Che Guevara and now wears the t-shirt and has a huge poster on her wall. Has no idea how many people he had killed, or that he wasn’t actually Cuban. Has the audacity to say that she “only dates nerds” because she is an “intellectual elitist.” Had to look that phrase up, but it sounded so cool. Is present at every meaningless protest rally. Loves the sound of her own voice. Never gets a second date for some reason, so she is always going on about how happy she is alone with her books; books that she has either never read, or never understood. Gets away with being an intellectual fraud because no one smart enough to see it cares enough to call her out on it. Says she relishes in her time alone, but what she really wants to do is shave her pits and find a man.

The One Looking For a Father For Her Kids – With a body like that you would never suspect that this chick popped out three kids from three different convicted felons. She ignored you when you were both teenagers because she was too busy skipping class to go clubbing and bang older guys. Now she is a 30 year old dental assistant and working on her GED at night, because the party is over and it’s time to get serious. All she needs now is someone to take care of her and her brats. It should be noted that not all single mothers are like that, but still beware! You are not accountable for her life decisions…RUN DUDE!!!

The One Who Knows EVERYONE At the Bar – It’s like trying to date Norm from Cheers.

The Gold Digger – You know her from the Kanye song. You can’t walk down any street with a store or a cart because she will always be wanting you to buy her something. She constantly “needs” money for her rent or phone bill, and if it’s not her then it is for a family member. Expects you to subsidize her entire lifestyle because she is sleeping with you. What is worse, some of them are not even subtle about it. Your ideal response: “Here’s a gun bitch, go rob somebody…”

The One Who Was Kind of a Slut but You Were Lonely- Gentlemen, it is never a good idea to play Captain Save-a-Hoe when a hoe just doesn’t wanna be saved. (Thank you Sloane for the use of that phrase) Dude, you knew she was a little inappropriate the first time you saw her drink. You looked the other way when she started talking about her numerous bi-sexual experiences and was a big fan of the phrase “If his wife/girlfriend isn’t in the same city, then technically I’m not fucking a married guy.” Yes she wore short shorts with stiletto heels and you were like “maybe it’s just a form of self-expression?” She absolutely hates the town she grew up in and doesn’t want to ever go back. Hmmm…I wonder why? Her biggest problem, she has met too many people like her. And you brought her home to meet your mom? You shithead.

The One With Daddy Issues – He didn’t love me! Well guess what? Neither do I.

The Self-Absorbed, Delusional Asshole – This is the chick who thinks that she is the next Kim Kardashian, and to her that’s a good thing. This is the type of chick that is in a complete world of her own. She constantly needs attention and doesn’t really care where it comes from. She is shocked when people think she is wrong, and can’t believe she has yet to land her own reality TV show after the numerous sex tapes she has sent to TMZ.

May not actually cheat on you, but she seems to have a lot of guy friends. Heads up homie, those are the guys she fucks in between boyfriends that she will never tell you about. If you have a fight she will fuck someone else and not tell you about it, then justify it to herself by saying “we were not together for those few hours.” She would cheat on a soldier going to war with some douchebag Jodi, then have the fucking nerve to say it was his fault for leaving. Gets angry upon realizing that you cannot read her mind. No accountability at all.  

The One – She totally owns her image, not because she posts stupid clichés on social media or talks about her morality; she actually doesn’t say a fucking word, she just lives it. She doesn’t have to lie about who she is or who she was before, because it was always the same girl. She doesn’t have to hate men, because she doesn’t make bad decisions due to unrealistic, absurd, reality TV and lame pop song expectations. The only haters she has are the lame bitches who wish they had gone to school instead of dropping out because they thought Lil’ Wayne was gonna propose.   She can watch an art film or a football game, as long as she is with you and you don’t talk over it too much. She knows how to act in front of your family, friends and co-workers. She can disagree without being disagreeable. She knows how to save you from yourself. Look, no one can really define this person except you, so don't look for the definition anywhere other than in your own heart and mind. Have some respect for yourself, your life, and who you decide to bring around it. She may not be perfect, but she is perfect for you, and she just might be out there somewhere...