The JB Random Report: July 2014

Every four years I develop something known as “World Cup Fever.” Though not a huge soccer fan, I have always acknowledged the power the sport has on the rest of the world, even if the United States has not quite embraced the international game…until now. And that’s just one of the many reasons why the 2014 World Cup was so satisfying to watch. In fact, I believe that it may very well be the best World Cup ever.

Not that 2010 wasn’t good, I mean the official song by Shakira was really cool and totally within the spirit of the host nation, as opposed to the pre-fabricated crap that was this year’s song. There was a first time winner in Spain, but after that, it was just me and a lot of “I have a Vuvuzela in my pants” jokes.

The United States has never given me a reason to root for them until recently, so I naturally always rooted for the best Latin American team. And since I was a kid, that team has been Argentina. I know that I am in the minority as far as the rest of Latin America goes, and given the fact that most of you were rooting for The Netherlands, I see nothing has changed much.

But I don’t care, I have always liked the attitude and even crassness of the Argentine team, personified by Diego Maradona. Lionel Messi is not nearly the personality that Maradona was, but he is still the best player of his era, and a World Cup will only serve to cement that legacy.

Oh, and just in case you needed another reason to root for Argentina…

As for their opponents in the Finals...

What’s up with that nickname? “Mannschaft” is kinda phallic isn’t it? This name just screams punchline as far as I’m concerned. And this picture certainly doesn't help at all. Feel free to make your own jokes in the comments section.

Now, I could make so many more jokes about Germany and its history, but I will take the high road and refrain from making any tasteless comments about historical villany and just enjoy the game. Although even I have to admit, the beating that they gave Brazil on their home soil was pretty embarrassing. The last time I saw a German victory that lopsided on someone else’s home turf they were invading Poland in 1939.

I really believe that regardless of who wins, it is the stories that surround this World Cup that are just as compelling as the matches themselves, and here are my favorites from 2014…

The Fact That the Biggest Foreign Buyers of World Cup Tickets Was the United States & the United States National Team.

One of the great things about living in New York, is that there are so many immigrants that the World Cup becomes a huge deal here. But as anyone who watched ESPN can tell you, the viewing parties in Chicago and Kansans City, yeah, Kansas City that huge bastion of immigration, were as enormous as they were enthusiastic. It should then come as no surprise that the country long accused of being indifferent to soccer would buy the most tickets of any other country besides Brazil.

Now don’t get too excited, but there is a very realistic chance that given the recent investigation into corruption charges against the nation of Qatar, the United States could very well host the World Cup in 2022.

Regardless of who wins on Sunday, the winner of this tournament was the United States, simply because they made everyone finally take notice, something that they couldn’t even do in 1994 when they hosted the World Cup.

Yes I know they only won one game. Yes I know they kinda backed into second place in their group. Yes I was one of those people that felt that Landon Donovan, certainly the most recognizable US soccer player if not the best, should not have been left off the team.

But despite the criticism levied on head coach Jurgan Klinsmann, he stuck to his guns and is building a team that will be coherent and familiar with all of its own components for many years to come. I still would have liked to see Donovan have one more day in the Sun, and realistically they could have used him after Jozy Altidore went down; and Donovan certainly could have scored against Belgium (could you imagine????). Ahhh what could have been…

Just in case you needed another reason to cheer for the USA…

ESPN’s Tommy Smith’s Incredibly Awesome Accent

Come on, am I the only one who was waiting for him to say “They’re after mi Lucky Charms!” or “I need mi Gold!” I’m pretty sure he could play the Leprechaun should Hollywood decide to do a reboot.

The Colombian National Team

Imagine 16 years of trying and failing to field a decent team because of the violence and corruption associated with soccer in your country. Imagine 16 years of having to live with the stigma of Colombian drug cartels and kidnappings. Whether deserved or greatly exaggerated, this Colombian national team did everything it could to distance itself from the past, and in this World Cup gave their country a clean playing and honestly developed team to cheer for, and boy were they fun to watch. They came up short against Brazil, but they also gave us a glimpse of the future. They are a young team and they will be interesting to watch. And in 2018, they will only be better, and further removed from the stigma long associated with their past.

Oh yeah…just in case you needed another reason to root for Colombia…

Ann Coulter proving the high level moron she is by saying that “Any (United States) growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay”

Seriously, at what point does someone just put her in a home? She also went on to say, and I quote, ”If more 'Americans' are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law…One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.” (Sigh…)

In a way, I almost admire her willingness to make a complete and utter racist, everything-phobic ass out of herself in front of the entire world. She continued to babble that the game is boring, doesn’t celebrate individual achievement, and unlike “our” sports, it’s not violent enough. OK, I am not going to rant, as it will only give this brain tumor more attention, so I will address her issues with two sentences:

1- Christiano Ronaldo made $80 million in 2014, pretty solid individual achievement I must say, considering that “our” LeBron James made less.

2- I guess this Dumbo eared asshole missed it when Brazil’s Neymar, who incidentally made 33.1 million this year, was carted off the field with a broken vertebra playing this whimpy-ass game.

And incidentally, what could be more un-American than attacking a sport that has only served to endear us to the rest of the world, instead of the bullying, conservative foreign policies that have made the rest of the world hate us?

Oh yeah, I almost forgot...Just in case you needed another reason to love the World Cup…