Of course I’m going to talk about the Democratic National Convention, but first…Some random thoughts…
When you are someone who never goes to the mall, a trip to the mall actually gives you a lot to write about.
So I go to the Time Warner Cable Store at the mall because my remote control needed replacement. A young lady approaches me and asks “How can I help you?” I told her that I needed a new remote control and she asked me where my old one was. I told her it was in my bag ands he said “OK well just take it out.” To which I replied with a Beavis-inspired giggle. Clearly embarrassed, I felt horrible as she walked away to get my new remote until I noticed her male co-worker at the station next to her laughing hysterically. It was then I realized that I am, and forever will be, just an overgrown child.
Moral victories: Being in your 30’s and still getting proofed at a bar; Being in your 30’s and still being able to get a group of girls to stop what they are yapping about just long enough for them to do a double take to check you out.
In a heartfelt, emotional, impassioned speech, I decided to explain my dedication and commitment to giving every woman I’m with a heart stopping orgasm. I thought she was hanging on my every word until I suddenly found myself disappointed when I heard her say, “I’m sorry can you start over…you lost me after ‘Indiana Jones’”
I have finally broken away from the musically abusive, no talent lamefest that is the MTV Video Music Awards…did anything interesting happen?
The Republican National Convention was the living room of your grandparent’s house where your crusty relatives get together to complain about loud music and their prostates. Then drive you to suicidal thoughts by regurgitating stories you have heard a thousand times. No fun is had and no one is safe from complete and utter boredom.
In contrast, the Democratic National Convention is the attic or basement of the same house where you find a radio, sneak in beer and get to third base with your hot second cousin.
When President Obama took the stage to give his speech to one of my favorite U2 songs, I knew all was safe. Seriously compare and contrast the two conventions and honestly ask yourself: which one do you wanna be a part of? OK, maybe I’m just using this as a metaphor, but it was a much cooler convention. The speeches were better, the music was better, and most importantly the message was better. No senior citizens were maniacally yelling at an empty chair, no racial slurs were hurled at African-American CNN camerawomen, and a good time was had by all.
And how about Bill Clinton’s speech, huh? Bubba can still bring it even after two heart operations. I think that might have been the moment that got Barack Obama re-elected. So we have seen the messages, I for one, now cannot wait for the debates.
THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US
Look, I have no fucking idea who or what Honey Boo Boo is, but whatever this person is doing to make them famous, I want them to stop.
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