“I have no American Friends”…Maybe Because You’re An Asshole? 4/21/13

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I can’t remember a week that was so violent, I really am glad it’s over. One thing I love about The United States of America, we may have our faults, but we never let the same dog bite us twice, and we tend to really learn from our mistakes (well except for the retarded George W Bush who obviously would have learned something from Vietnam had he not dodged service). Since 9/11 we have stepped up our homeland security game, yes it sucks to have to take your shoes off at the airport, but we have not had another hijacking since.

Within weeks of the 9/11 attacks in 2001, some asshole decided to send Anthrax laced letters to the Senate, so we received all mail sent to politicians outside of the White House or the Capitol, and when some asshole decided to send Ricin laced letters to the White House, coincidentally right after the bombings in Boston, we used the lessons learned and he was caught. But then again, the suspect is an Elvis impersonator from Mississippi, so did you really think it would take that long?

Law enforcement went through the burdensome task of shutting the entire city of Boston down to look for the two assholes, that killed 4 people and injured hundreds by detonating a bomb during the marathon, and they were found. One asshole was killed, and now this surviving suspect will not be questioned by local law enforcement, but face the same Federal interrogators that deal with “high value” targets (can you say “waterboarding?”), so he is in some trouble. Now there is no Federal statute for murder, but there is a convenient new federal charge known as “use of a weapon of mass destruction to kill people,” which just happens to carry the death penalty.

I have a great deal of respect for the ACLU, but they actually got it wrong this time when they expressed “concerns” about Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, whenever he comes to, not being read his Miranda rights. Any first year law student (at least one that actually opened a book) can tell you that first off, unlike what you see on CSI, Miranda rights do not have to be read to you upon arrest. They are reserved for questioning. That notwithstanding, the police can actually question you at anytime, regardless of the “public safety” exception. The difference being that any information the police get during that questioning simply must be supressed should a trial occur.

So there is no law that says the police cannot question you without reading you your rights, the law is that should they fail to read you your rights, question you, and you foolishly decide to answer, then those statements cannot be used against you. It should be noted that once the suspect demands an attorney, then all questioning must stop. Now, given the fact that a public defender has already been assigned this case, all of this could actually be a mute point, but the ACLU, whose heart I’m sure is in the right place, got the spirit of the law wrong.

Then there was that expolsion in Texas that killed 14 people that is being treated as a crimce scene, and while you were on facebook sending your “thoughts and prayers,” due to these incidents, do you know what The House of Representatives did?  They took advantage of a clearly distracted public to pass CISPA. If signed into law, CISPA would make it legal for websites to give your personal information to the U.S. government without your permission. Not to be outdone, the Senate decided not to listen to 90% of the people that elected them and struck down a law that would require background checks for gun buyers. Nice.

SPORTS & THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Even now, I stand by my statement that the only way I would ever root for the Boston Red Sox is if they are playing against a team fielded by Al-Qaeda. But for the FCC to come out and say that they could have fined David Ortiz for saying that “this is our fucking city” over the Fenway Park PA while giving a speech during the opening of the Red Sox first home game since the Boston Marathon tragedy is just fucking stupid. Clearly Ortiz was emotional and had every reason to be, so if the F-word is dropped, how about you Feds just lighten the fuck up?

Hey FCC…Fuck You!

Who is more dangerous? Barbie or Lil' Kim? 4/12/13

“I wasn’t lucky, I deserved it.”

“To wear your heart on your sleeve isn’t a very good plan; you should wear it inside, where it functions best.”

“Being powerful is like being a lady. If you have to tell people you are, you aren’t”

-          Margaret Thatcher 1925-2013

I chose to acknowledge that I didn’t always agree with this woman historically, but to remember her fondly.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Am I the only one that is aware that there is no possible way that North Korea can actually hit the United States with a missile? Sure we have to protect our allies in the region but can we tone the rhetoric down just a bit? I mean what did Dennis Rodman do over there? Did he teabag Lil’ Kim while he was taking a power nap?

Look, the North Korean missile program is about as advanced as the Russian system…in 1963. Seriously I have a better chance of hitting the Pentagon with a bottle rocket from my roof in New York than these nit wit North Koreans do. If they were even to fuel a missile we would know about it, which is why I cannot understand why they are taking such a hard stance. This little runt Kim Jong Un is obviously owned by the military and is being advised very badly, and dangerously. And one more thing, I see pictures of this little guy every day on CNN and all I can ask myself is, “what the fuck is he always looking at?”

I am also a bit surprised that China has not taken more visible steps to keep these maniacs in line. The last thing they want is increased involvement in the region by the United States, which is precisely what will happen if North Korea threatens to further destabilize the region. I guess they are too busy dealing with that new strand of bird flu, but they better keep their friends in line.

SPORTS

So as I correctly predicted, Louisville won the National Championship, solidifying an already pretty impressive bracket this year by me, and beating my rival President Barack Obama.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Have you heard of this Mexico Barbie? I’m serious, in order to appease, well I have no fucking idea really, that growing segment of the Latino population that plays with American Barbie dolls? Mattel has decided to create a slightly darker version of the doll whose accessories include,  and I’m not making this up, a ruffled party dress, a fucking Chihuahua and a passport; yeah, a passport, just in case she tries to cross the border illegally.

The website MamásLatinas, an online community for Latina women and mothers, said it was jarring to see Mexico Barbie with a passport, given the politically charged discussions of immigration politics in the United States. Really? Ok if this organization is to be taken seriously, shouldn’t they think about maybe changing that name? I’m sure that they mean to embody strong Latino parents, but some of us see that name and think “internet porn.”

As for the doll, I really think that this organization needs to find something better to complain about. Not that it isn’t painfully obvious that the geniuses at Mattel have no idea how to gauge the immigration debate in this country, but what do expect from these out of touch morons whose only contact with our population is to learn a few Spanish words so they can communicate with the help? I think if this were really meant to really offend it would have a pregnant Mexican Barbie, half the size of regular Barbie with six screaming little fat kids, a few tacos, an EBT card, and a baby carriage as accessories.

Opening Day? Well, Maybe If Naked Cheerleaders Are Involved... 3/29/13

Look, I’ve been busy ok? Not to mention the fact that none of you so called “loyal” readers even bothered to vote for me to be the new Pope, so forgive me if I’m a bit testy.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I always wondered why gays would ever want to get married. I always love quoting one of my favorite gays, John Waters when he says “I thought one of the best things about being gay was supposed to be that you never had to join the Army or get married.” I guess times have changed. The Supreme Court this week is hearing arguments against the Defense of Marriage Act passed in California that defines a marriage as between a man and a woman.
Look, I’m not about to get into a debate on anyone’s morality, I will not even address the fact that public sentiment has dramatically shifted in favor of striking this act down, but let me tell you why the Defense of Marriage Act will be and should be overturned…Legally, there is no argument, Constitutional or otherwise (this means YOU Justice Scalia), that can defend the notion that two consenting adults cannot enter into a legally binding contract. 

When did North Korea get so pissed off at South Korea all of a sudden? Did that “Gangnam Style” guy sneak across the border?

SPORTS

So how’s your bracket? Believe it or not I am actually doing better than President Barack Obama this year, so that’s good.

If the Yankees get any more injuries, they are going to have to play Opening Day from a rehab center instead of Yankee Stadium. Now, I have been a Yankee fan my entire life as you all well know. My adult years have all been spoiled and self-entitled because the Yankees have been winning so much since 1996, that I really don’t know how I am going to deal with this obvious difficult transition.

The one thing that Hal and Hank Steinbrenner (is it me or does Hank remind you of John Wayne having a stroke?) do not seem to understand is that you cannot buy your way out of this situation. Just look at what their father did in the 1980’s. He threw millions of dollars at free agents but never won a championship.

Yes the Yankees of the 1990’s and today had a heavy payroll, but it was not a totally bloated payroll, as the players produced wins, and, the team for the most part was built, not bought. Yes there were a few key free agents sprinked here and there, but the core of the team, Derek Jeter, Mariano Rivera, Jorge Posada, Andy Pettitte, Bernie Williams, and today Robinson Cano, were all home grown Yankees. That is something that is sorely lacking in the farm system of today. Not that there are no good prospects, there is just not anyone that good, already developed, coming down the pipe. So Yankee fans, let’s manage this decline as best we can.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Ahh yes Alaska, the same progressives that brought us Sarah Palin, has now given us yet another genius. Rep. Don Young, Republican Congressman from Alaska was doing a radio interview where he waxed poetic about the good ol' days..." My father had a ranch; we used to have 50-60 wetbacks to pick tomatoes...it takes two people to pick the same tomatoes now. It's all done by machine." He was discussing the number of jobs that have since been gone due to advances in automation. Something must be in those Moose burgers that is making everyone up there so loopy. This little interview should really help Republicans with that whole "reaching out to minorities" thing.

 

 

A State of Many Unions 2/14/13

LIFE LESSON LEARNED # 232: When a girl is waxing poetic about how incredibly hot you get her, it is never wise to respond with “Well yeah, it’s a gift.”

So the State of The Union had some interesting moments didn’t it? Certainly more interesting then the Grammys. Barack Obama once again laid out a clear agenda on foreign policy, energy independence, humanity and fiscal responsibility, or as the Republicans call it, “a pinko-commie homosexual conspiracy.”

Do you think that Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg has OCD? What’s with the black gloves?

Obama took 27 minutes to mention climate change, about the same amount of time it takes for another iceberg off the coast of Norway to melt. Yes, Obama actually mentioned scientific facts, or as Rick Perry likes to call it, he was “God-hatin’.” You know the best thing about science? It’s that it is true whether you believe it or not. Neil Degrasse-Tyson said that.

Why was it that Senator Al Franken was the only one in the room that had a suit on that seemed to be bought in this century? Hey, everyone else…why not use some of that PAC money to shop at a place other than JC Penney?

It was nice to see Obama mention that illegal border crossings are the lowest that they have been in 40 years, I guess one could call it a testament to the fine skills of the US Border Patrol and the intimidating wall we are building, or it could just be that no one wants to come here illegally anymore because the economy sucks so badly.
I am still fascinated by how Republicans can still get people to vote against their own interests. How any woman, gay or minority person can stand in the same frontline as these Neanderthals is beyond me. Obama laid out a clear position on equal pay for both genders and was met with thunderous applause, except for woman Republicans. Really? OK go ahead and cheer loudly for those who choose to keep you as a second-class citizen.
I loved how Obama, even though he won his second term, is still concerned with making sure that everyone gets a chance to vote. Denouncing this generation’s Jim Crow law of forcing one particular Identification source on those who can’t afford it, and keeping the voting lines long on purpose in impoverished, minority, voting districts will send a clear message to certain states that the Civil War is over.

But the most poignant moment of the speech was when he invoked the memory of those children who have been lost to gun violence. For a guy that is not particularly known for his warmth, Obama finally reached Americans on an emotional level, and it was real. Yes having Hadiya Pendelton’s parents sitting with the First Lady seemed a bit politically contrived, but it does not mean that the result is not the best thing for the nation. As usual, asshole Newt Gingrich was on CNN after the speech saying that Obama should have addressed gang violence in his speech, ignoring the fact that it wasn’t a gang that killed those children in Sandy Hook.

And speaking of after the State of the Union, how was that Republican response, huh? Did I hear that brain tumor Marco Rubio say that under Obama Federal spending has actually gone up? Is he fucking serious? Well, I guess since Republicans have decided to reject science why not reject arithmetic as well?

SPORTS & THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I have decided to combine the two after hearing that the International Olympic Committee is going to drop wrestling from the Summer Games. Why would they do that and still keep synchronized swimming? Wrestling has been a part of the Olympics since their inception thousands of years ago, and since the beginning of the modern Olympic era as well. I can think about ten events no one gives a shit about that should go away (can you say “ballroom dancing?”) before one of the most historically significant events should get the boot.

Congress Could Use Some PEDs 1/30/13

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Have you been following these Senate hearings on gun violence? Seriously the US Senate is turning less into the Ancient Roman Republican example and more into the mob of the Roman Coliseum every day. About the only thing that they can agree on seems to be that an infinitely qualified John Kerry should be confirmed as Secretary of State. That’s like the Nazis and the British both agreeing that the sky is blue.

What continues to baffle me is how willing Congress is to double down on stupid and continues to give, a relatively small organization in the NRA, so much power. At what point will the fact that as early as yesterday, there were people shot dead in Arizona when a maniac went into an office with a gripe and a gun? Actually heckling Gabby Giffords and her husband when they testified before Congress about gun violence? Something that the Giffords’ know more about than any asshole gun nut in Congress ever will. And if it still hasn’t hit home, how about the fact that a recent visitor to the very hill where they work, 15-year-old Hadiya Pendelton, who performed at President Barack Obama's inauguration, had been shot to death in Chicago.

 SPORTS

 Alex Rodriguez was once a great story and an amazing baseball player to watch. I for one have always been on record defending him against, even at times, Yankee fans. I always thought that he would have fit in better in NY had he just stopped looking for a hug and play ball. As far as his postseason shortcomings, that will always be a sore point, but he did get hot in 2009 when the Yankees won it all. Now it looks as though he is linked to another steroid doctor, as recently as 2009, well after the rules against steroids were in place. True or not, these allegations just suck. I really do believe that like Michael Jackson, we have all forgiven A-Rod for the first one. But if these second round of allegations are true, then his legacy is in serious trouble. Unfortunately there are no PEDs you can take to make yourself more likeable. I have no idea what the fuck Deer Antler spray is, but it sounds like something Ted Nugent would use as a Viagra substitute…

Oh and is there a football game to be played this week? I have to say the continued fallout from this Deer Antler spray bullshit is spreading into the Super Bowl. Baltimore Ravens linebacker Ray Lewis has to come out and flatly deny any PED use after his name was also linked to the company in the initial report that accused the ballplayers. Now, before anyone gets drunk on their own self-righteousness, let's keep this in perspective. If you were an athlete and the product clearly stated "You will not fail a drug test using our product," you'd probably take it. The fact that now all these athletes have to answer questions that they don't know the answer to is a distraction and it labels guys cheaters who never had any actual intent to cheat. It's a mess really, and there is no comprehensive policy to deal with it.   

As for the actual game, I would like to see the Ravens beat the San Francisco 49ers. I think the Harbaugh brothers coaching the opposing teams is a great story, but I love Ray Lewis. I think that to come from getting arrested for his alleged involvement in a homicide 13 years ago to winning a Super Bowl in 2001 to being an inspiration to his community is an even better story. Anyone who has ever heard Ray Lewis speak would follow him straight into Hell if they had to. He is an easy man to believe and an even easier person to root for.

And did I hear Randy Moss correctly when he said he was the greatest receiver ever? And he said it wearing a 49ers uniform? Did he get a brown paper bag and inhale some of that Deer Antler spray? Someone needs to show him some videos of a guy named Jerry Rice, maybe you have heard of him Randy, as he is particularly popular in the Bay area…

 THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US 

Our racist Coca Cola ads, obviously. Seriously isn't there anything worth getting offended at that this is how low we stoop? Groups getting angry over an ad that has yet to even air?

Does the NRA Masturbate To Their Guns? 1/17/13

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So the NRA has decided to run an ad stating how President Barack Obama’s children are protected by armed Secret Service, so therefore every school should have armed guards in them. Brilliant reasoning. Even wiser was how NRA Chief Executive Asshole Wayne LaPierre had the audacity to say that the ad was “not about his kids.” Really? So what was the ad about? When the first line of the ad is a narrator saying ”are the president’s kids more important than yours?” someone should tell me then, what the ad is about. I really cannot believe how willing the Right are to totally ignore facts.

It has been a long standing tradition that a President's children, particularly minors, were never to be brought into anyone’s political agenda. Yet, here's the NRA doing exactly that to Barack Obama’s kids in their latest ad. Ummm…I wonder what is so different about him?  

Wednesday President Obama signed a historic executive order that would limit the availability of assault weapons and firearms.  Of the 23 new laws, it boggles the mind that anyone with a sense of humanity would have a problem with doctors asking patients about their guns, especially if they come into an emergency room with suicidal thoughts or a gunshot wound.

And for the NRA to feebly attempt to counter the current criticism by saying that Obama had children behind him when he signed the gun legislation and compare it to that ad is just sickening. Obviously clueless to the fact that it was those very children that wrote letters to the President asking for this legislation, they are really content on reaching for the most vile non-arguments that they can find.

The best quote on this issue so far has been from our own Mayor Mike Bloomberg “ If you can’t shoot a deer with two shots, you shouldn’t be out there shooting.”

SPORTS

 Ahhh…Lance Armstrong, I guess this is the “acceptance” portion of your rehabilitation tour, after Shock, Denial and Anger. You know, I have no problem with Lance Armstrong doping up just as much as every other cyclist at that time. But where he failed was in his adamant denial and his false rage at his “haters.” It was a con job that was made even more convincing by his public battle with cancer, which by the way, was very inspiring to a lot of people and I’m sure saved many lives. So how harshly should we judge this guy?

I guess only time will tell, but the world really does seem to be crumbling at his feet. He was asked to return the Olympic medal he won on 2000, and has of course been stripped of his 7 Tour De France titles. But who will those titles now go to? Who is the first guy on the list of those who finished that was not doping? This is a huge mess and maybe Armstrong, although its catalyst, might not be its only casualty.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

The Queen of England has decreed that if William and Kate, the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge, have a girl, the child will be given the lofty title of princess. I’m sure we can now all breathe a sigh of relief.

You know, I actually have nothing against the British Royals, and I think that they do a great service to their country given that they are Royalty and they all serve in the military, which is a lot more than I can say for the spoiled brats of the wealthy here, but why the fuck is this news when there are US hostages in Algeria?

Why is this news when France, yeah France, a nation of snail eating cowards has shown more guts in the African nation of Mali then we have? Yes I know our own African American President is a bit busy right now trying to keep the gun-toting maniacs in line, but come on Barack, aren’t you an Oprah fan? Multi-task, dude!

The USA...Celebrating the New Year With Gun Violence 1/11/13

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

For those of you under the delusion that AIG is nothing more than a greedy, soulless corporation obsessed with a bottom line, here is a “feel good” story for you…

AIG’s board met Wednesday to hear a pitch from ex-CEO Maurice "Hank" Greenberg, asking the company to join his $25 billion lawsuit accusing the government of violating shareholders’ rights by bailing out the company during the federal bailouts in 2008 and 2009.

Greenberg filed the suit in 2011, and it claims that the terms of the bailout -- including giving billions to AIG’s clients, the government taking a more than 90 percent stake in the company and the deal’s steep interest rates, stripped shareholders of tens of billions of dollars. Just the fact that they needed a meeting to discuss this really bothers me. Speaking as one of the taxpayers whose money bailed you out, I think I can speak for all of us when I say…”What the FUCK?”

As for Greenberg, I think someone has just submitted his candidacy for JB Random Report “Asshole of the Year 2013.” Hey, it’s never too early! Well, there’s still that maniac gun lover Alex Jones.

SPORTS

Baseball writers, thank you. Thank you for reminding us how petty you actually are. And for the record, I am not campaigning for Barry Bonds, Roger Clemens or Sammy Sosa for entry into the Hall of Fame. But excluding Mike Piazza? The greatest offensive catcher ever? Someone who has not been anywhere near a steroid accusation?

What overblown, heavy handed message are you trying to send? If you are going to exclude players that even played in the so called “steroid era,” then you are not going to have any Summer time celebrations in Cooperstown for a while.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

So nice to see the NRA doubling down on stupid by saying we should respond to the Newtown tragedy with more guns, and arming more school personnel. Because the more guns you have around small children the safer they are. Here is another reason to love your guns…

Who would have thought that in America, a missing small fry order would lead to a violent altercation? At a McDonald's in Kansas, a couple cut through the drive through after discovering a mistake in their order. The couple apparently didn’t like that the car behind them complained so the woman decided to throw a crowbar at the complaining car, her male passenger, seeing that such a move was just not enough, thought it would be a good idea to draw a shotgun and squeeze one into the driver’s side of the car. Police followed them home and a standoff ensued. Stay classy, Witchita!

Am I the only one that remembers that the NRA was formed in the same year in which the Ku Klux Klan was outlawed? Ummm….coincidence?