Running Backwards Towards the Future 8/31/12

I loved the Republican National Convention. There is nothing better than having a bunch of maniacal yahoos actually prove that they are maniacal yahoos on national television. I must say the stories coming out of this event are great examples of how backwards Republicans actually are, so let’s tell some!

First off, let’s start with their slogan, “We Built This” an obvious response to a statement by President Barack Obama that was taken grossly out of context, but why let the truth stand in the way of a good slogan? While implying that no one needs any help at all from the government when starting a business in America, the seemed to ignore the fact that the Tampa Bay Times Forum Arena, the very place where they were having their convention was built by using 62% taxpayer money. Nice to see that the Republican hypocracy train is running on time as usual, but what baffles me is how they have gotten so many people to buy into either their indifference or complete ignorance of the facts. 

Chris Christie’s speech was more about him and the fact that he is the GOP’s next presidential candidate, than it was about his candidate or his party. But you gotta admit he does have some personality. But he has to stay alive in order to be the new face of the GOP, and he might not live too long if he keeps mainlining cheese fries.

It was nice to see how the party that once filibustered civil rights legislation has finally progressed. This best illustrated by delegates throwing peanuts at CNN camerawoman Patricia Caroll, who is African American and yelling “This is how we feed the animals!” Yeah…stay classy GOP.

Everyone talked about how Paul Ryan “energized” the convention during his speech, but no one can seem to remember what the fuck he actually said, so maybe they were talking about him recharging everyone’s powerchair and gauging everyone’s oxygen tank.

And speaking of needing oxygen…Ahhh Clint Eastwood. Look, we all loved “Unforgiven” and “Million Dollar Baby.” I often imitated “Dirty Harry” and every other memorable quote from his career in front of a mirror like any other red-blooded American kid, but maybe it is time to have that difficult discussion about putting him, not in a home, but call it a “retirement community for active seniors.” When you spend 12 minutes rambling to a chair, we worry. We worry because we love you.

Mitt Romney’s speech was supposed to be his greatest public moment; the time where we finally get to know the man and his vision for the future of America. So did he say anything new? Interesting? Truthful? Obviously not because early polls indicated absolutely no change at all in the Presidential race so far.

You know who was noticeably absent from all the festivities? Retarded former President George W Bush. What does it say about how Republicans feel about him, and what does it say about his presidency that not even the GOP, who seem to be experts at fiction and getting stupid people to believe anything, cannot seem to find one good thing to say about him? Not one positive event in his record that would be enough to allow him to at least address the convention.

What does it say about a party that the last president they seem to revere was Ronald Reagan, a man who was president 30 years ago, and whose record they obviously know nothing about. If Reagan were alive today, he would be marginalized by this same party for being “too liberal.” Seriously if Reagan is their Kennedy or their FDR, they are in serious trouble.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I’m sorry but I just have to say one last thing about this ridiculous convention. One of their main themes was the idea that Barack Obama’s presidency has been disappointing and that “Hope and Change” were great things to vote for, but that they didn’t really work.

Well nothing can work when every one of his ideas meets with a Congress that will not allow this “experiment to work,” to paraphrase Paul Ryan. The "experiment" of course, is to let a black man run things. They talked about the debt, but refuse to address the reason it’s so high is because Bush put his two wars on the national credit card and Obama has been stuck with the bill.

They talk about how Obama wants to increase government, but seem to forget the fact that in three years under the Obama administration, more private sector jobs have been created than in eight years during George W Bush.

It is baffling to me how these people are so indifferent to the truth and yet still in this race.   

Does the GOP Have a Weird Sex Fetish? 8/24/12

Uhh guys…a word of advice. Don't waste your time trying to get the attention of that half naked bimbo at the club. Don't buy her an overpriced drink, and don't make an ass out of yourself gawking like an idiot. She doesn’t dress like that because she looking for a guy like you. She dresses like that because she is insecure, stupid and in desperate need of validation. Seriously if she were planning to go home with you tonight would she have come here with six other angry, man-hating cock blockers? Wake up.

Now you want a real chick? Go to a library. That hottie sitting in front of you has spent the last six hours with her head buried in the Uniform Commercial Code, she really needs comforting. I’m serious, I never go to clubs, and yet I’m always smiling…I assure you there is a reason for that.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I would like to thank Rep. Todd Akin for telling me exactly what “legitimate rape” is. I didn’t know what it was until he blessed me with his typical Tea bagger scientific insight. I’m sure that all rape victims can now breathe a sigh of relief now that they know the exact science of what was probably the most horrifying experience of their lives. Now if he could only prove that hurricanes and other natural disasters are caused by Gay marriage, I think we have a Nobel Prize winner here! What a “legitimate” total asshole!

And speaking of hurricanes, there is one headed to Florida that might put a serious damper on the Republican National Convention. Well, at least now we know what God thinks of Mitt Romney.

SPORTS

After Bartolo Colon, the second ex-Yankee in a week has been busted for using PED’s, received a 50 game suspension, Skip Bayless of ESPN decided to use his keen insight and investigative powers to question whether or not Derek Jeter might be using PED’s considering that he is having one of the best years of his career at 38 years old. “You would have to have your head in the sand or your head somewhere else not to at least wonder, 'How is he doing this?'" Bayless said Wednesday. Hey Skip, there are great players who have never been anywhere near a steroid accusation, but can’t seem to get into the Hall of Fame because of uninformed reporters like you making such presumptive statements. Can we test you for being a moron?

And the US Anti Doping Agency has banned cyclist Lance Armstrong for life from the sport, and has stripped him of his record seven Tour De France titles, after he decided to drop the appeal of his doping charges. Now, I can see them banning him from cycling in the United States, but since when do they have jurisdiction over the Tour de France?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Do you know who Congressman Kevin Yoder is? Well thanks to his love of getting naked in a foreign country, now we all do! This is the "conservative" congressman who decided he wanted to get in touch with Jesus by skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee during an official congressional trip to Israel. Well as Republicans have now begun distancing themselves from him, he did receive one major endorsement: "Obviously, Congressman Yoder is a typical American who enjoys skinny-dipping, like over 50 million other Americans," said a statement from the American Association for Nude Recreation. Oh yeah….that endorsement should go a long way to getting him re-elected! If these are the nitwits we are sending to one of the holiest places on Earth, is it any wonder why they think we are all boneheads?

Welcome Back, Now What's Happening? 8/17/12

For the past few weeks I have been resting comfortably at an undisclosed location. But I guess it’s back to work

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So nice of Robot Mitt Romney to pick his running mate while I was away, I had no idea who the guy was so he actually gave me some time to do some research. Wisconsin’s own Paul Ryan seems nice enough; he doesn’t come across as a typical Tea bagger maniac at first glance, but give him some time. And am I the only one dying for that shirtless Paul Ryan pic to finally surface?

What surprised me was how the Obama campaign was so quick to criticize this guy as a Right wing loon that wants to give tax breaks to the rich, bust labor unions and financially destroy the middle class. Well yeah…who were you expecting them to pick? Dennis Kucinich? The Democrats are going to need a bit more substantive firepower than criticizing a Republican for being a Republican…Come on guys…get inspired! Gimmie some typical Republican dirt, like an off shore bank account or a secret gay affair...you know, something conservatives are known for!

SPORTS

I, as I do every four years, always catch a serious case of Olympic Fever. But this year I have to admit, although I watched a lot of events while I was on vacation, I really didn’t get as into it as I usually do. First off, no one was going to outdo the Opening Ceremony of 2008 in Beijing, but did you really have to give us a musical number about England’s transition from an agrarian economy to an industrial one? Why not make a musical about the Titanic? Wait a minute…someone actually did that right? I was kinda hoping to see David Bowie or an Oasis reunion. Instead, you give me a woman milking a cow and child labor.

The US Women’s Gymnastics Team was cute; Michael Phelps becoming the most decorated Olympian of all time was nice to watch, even though he seemed a bit bored, and it was obvious he didn’t train nearly as hard as he should have. Had he wanted to, he could have swept every race he was in.

That Ryan Lochte dude is about as articulate as a bag of rocks, and that’s with the grill; without it, about as articulate as tree sap.

The US Men’s Basketball Team was efficient, they won as expected, but were just not very exciting. And why wasn’t Tyson Chandler in the Gold Medal game against Spain? Wouldn’t they have needed his size given the fact that Spain had two 7-footers in the Gasol brothers?

I actually got into the smaller countries winning medals than the typical China vs. USA vs. Russia battle. The Cold War is over.

The Closing ceremonies were actually a bit more interesting in London because they finally celebrated what England is best known for, at least culture wise: music. This is what the Opening Ceremonies should have looked like, only with the addition of the World’s absolute greatest rock band, The Rolling Stones. Seriously how can you celebrate England’s greatest cultural export, and I don’t mean every drunken rich guy putting a napkin on his head trying to imitate Queen Victoria, but music, and not include the Stones?

I mean thank you for Brian May. I have no idea who Jessie J is but she has a great ass for a white chick so thank you again, but I really could have done without the Spice Girls. I was there for the first time around and they sucked then, too. That’s like a girl with a great smile that is missing a front tooth.

However, fear not Olympic fans, as London took the Opening Ceremonies to celebrate what they are most known for, so will Rio de Janeiro in 2016. So get ready for a lot of big asses in thongs! All the more reason to get into the Olympic spirit starting now!

All those Yankee fans that wanted to hold on to Melky Cabrera must be glad that the team got rid of him now that he has tested positive for PEDs and will be suspended 50 games, which is pretty much the rest of the season. This could very well be a death nail for the San Francisco Giants considering how lukewarm their offense has been and the struggles of Tim Lincecum. I can see the new Melky t-shirt now…”Got ‘Roids?”

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Ummm…I’m not really sure…can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on in the world?

Everyone's Advisors Need Advisors 7/12/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Think your government isn’t hard at work? The House of Representatives voted for the (yawn) 31^st (or 33^rd, but who’s really counting at this point) time to try and repeal the Affordable Health Care Act, even after the Supreme Court has declared that it is Constitutional, which now makes all three branches of government that have endorsed this act. At this point, there is no way that this can be just about health care right? With so many more pressing problems, why is it that House Republicans can’t seem to get their head around the fact that they lost? What I would like to know is, what is it about the bill they hate so much? Is it the affordability or the humanity? Or could it be the crippling fear of a black man leaving a legacy that later generations will thank him for and thus, opening the door for the possibility of another black man actually being president again? 

SPORTS

I think FOXSports is finally catching up to FOXNews in complete and utter stupidity. Well actually they just reported the story, they didn’t necessarily endorse the content, but who cares really? FOXNews is just dying to be called stupid so why not do it anyway?

However, the questionable intelligence this time comes from none other than Kobe Bryant, who when asked if whether or not the current US Men’s Olympic Basketball team could beat the 1992 Dream Team he responded with: "It'd be a tough one, but I think we'd pull it out." OK, there is a lot to say here: First off, let me say that reporters should stop asking this question every four years. It is getting boring and it’s an unfair question. No one on any subsequent Olympic team wants to be compared to a team with 11 Hall of Famers. And what would you expect them to say? “Uh gee…no. My team, that I am on, and have given up my Summer to play for, is not the team I really want to be on”? Come on already, put it to rest. OK so now that that’s out of the way…Are you fucking nuts, Kobe?I really don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Kobe Bryant, someone who this team is counting on could possibly be that delusional, or the fact that the “writer” of this article, identified only by some ridiculous web-nick name and not an actual name,  who is supposed to be informed given the fact that he is a writer, agrees with him.

Look, I could get into a whole sports geek argument about why this is so preposterous, but I will keep it simple. Ask yourself these simple questions… are there 11 legitimate NBA Hall of Famers on the 2012 Olympic Team? Are there any “All-time” players at their positions on the 2012 Olympic team? Is the greatest Center, Forward or Guard ever, playing in the NBA today? Exactly. Case closed. Moving on…

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I really am gonna miss Mitt Romney when he loses to Barack Obama. He really is a social commentator’s wet dream. It’s almost like he fucks up on cue whenever I need some rich out of touch white guy to make fun of, he provides me with “the trees are just the right size in Michigan” or trying to sing “America the Beautiful” on camera. And just when you thought someone had reeled him in, he decides to personally address the NAACP National Convention. No, really…he actually did this. And during his speech he decides to talk about repealing “Obamacare.” Thus, denying about 14 million African Americans health care. Brilliant move Mitt, thank you. Seriously who is advising this guy? Regardless of whether or not you want to stick to your guns, at least know your audience. Needless to say he was booed mercilessly. It was as if some ridiculous, rich, white, out-of-touch Mormon had gone to an NAACP meeting and…wait a minute.

What’s even funnier is that his backers actually praised Romney for going to the meeting calling him “brave.” Brave? Really?  That’s actually even more insulting. Why was he brave? What was so dangerous or life threatening about attending a meeting of a globally recognized, decades old civil rights organization? Were they afraid the angry black folks might rob him? What an asshole.

My So-Called Conservative Hero 6/28/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I never thought I would hear myself say two things: 1- Chief Justice John Roberts…YOU’RE MY HERO! 2 – I really wish I was a 1^st year law student again.

The decision by the Untied States Supreme Court to uphold President Barack Obama’s 2010 Affordable Health Care Bill is something that will be discussed at length in every law school in the country, and how I wish I was there. The issues are not particularly complex, just politically divisive, and how they came to the conclusion is pretty remarkable. 

Instead of striking the law down under the Commerce Clause, they actually upheld it under the Constitutional power to tax. The downside for supporters of the bill is that now it will be seen as a tax, and if Obama had framed it that way in 2010 no way this gets passed. But like every Republican spin, this is a misleading way to look at the issue. No one is going to get the IRS after them if they do not have healthcare, as opponents would want you to believe. The uninsured will just have to check a box on their tax form stating that they do not have insurance, and that will reflect in their overall tax bill in order to offset the overall cost, which is how all government programs are paid for by the way. Using Republican logic, there should be a box on your tax form to check off whether or not you have a gun and if you do not, you have to pay more in taxes to pay your fair share of the defense budget, but we know that is not the reality right?

Regardless, I really do not believe that today’s decision will end the debate on this issue. What the decision does do, and I certainly do not believe that this was the intention of Bush appointed Chief Justice John Roberts, is that it saves the most significant piece of legislation of Barack Obama’s presidency. To survive a Constitutional challenge is a great thing, and had the court struck it down, it would have severely hurt Obama’s chances of re-election.  I was also glad to see the president's remarks following the decision shifting the attention away from his "victory" and place it where it belongs, on the people who now won't go without healthcare.

Remember how I said that White House leak “scandal” wouldn’t go away any time soon? Well guess what…it did. And it has now been replaced with Eric Holder being held in contempt of Congress. I guess Executive Privilege only applies to white presidents. Look, I know that I am being a bit over-simplified in my analysis, but ask yourself this question: Why only subpoena Eric Holder and members of the Obama administration? This whole “Fast & Furious” program (guns being put into the black market to root out the drug dealers buying them, in case you didn’t know) was put in place by George W Bush’s administration. If there was any wrongdoing, wouldn’t it be imperative for any fact finding body to at the very least, question those who actually initiated the program not just those who ended it? Because if “Fast & Furious” was so evil, shouldn’t congress be commending the Obama administration instead of pressing his cabinet to be accountable for a program that they not only didn’t start, but did end? Where is Karl Rove’s subpoena?  I wouldn’t mind seeing that draft dodging, war criminal Dick Cheney have to testify under oath either.

SPORTS

The Yankees are on a tear that rivals any winning streak they have ever had in the last 16 years, but now with injuries to both Andy Pettitte and CC Sabathia, that’s three-fifths of your starting rotation on the disabled list, not what you want to go into the All-Star break having to deal with. Having said that, how well has Rafael Soriano stepped into the closer role? With only a four game lead in the division, it’s nice to know that they have a reliable closer. Is he Mariano? Hell friggin’ no! But he is having a refreshingly good year and with this offense kicking the way it is, it could be just enough to get them there.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

We had to go all the way to the United States Supreme Court just in order to allow some people to get healthcare. Since we are obviously the only “developed” country going backwards in humanity, education, and policy, why would they wanna kill us if we are slowly becoming just as backwards as they are?

The Bad, The Worse, and The Ugly 6/14/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

In Iran last week, websites and social networks had been reporting for days claiming that Pepsi Co. was planning on using high powered lasers to create the ultimate out-of-this-world advertisement: their logo on the side of the moon. Needless to say, the moon remained the same.  

"My colleagues and I gazed at the moon for several minutes and saw nothing." Said an Iranian journalist. Really? What a shock. He admitted that his girlfriend had expressed skepticism, asking him why no international news stations had picked up the story to which he had simply replied that the agencies wouldn't want to advertise for Pepsi. This is that brilliant reasoning they use in Iran, and how ironic that the opressed gender is the only one intelligent enough to be skeptical.

This is not the first time Iranians have fallen victim to such a hoax. In 1979, following the Iranian revolution, people waited for Ayatollah Khomeini to appear on the moon only to be equally disappointed. I can’t believe these are the same people who claim to have reverse-engineered one of our drones and actually expected the world to believe it.

This White House leaks story isn’t going away any time soon is it? I love how Republicans have come to the brilliant conclusion that the Obama administration somehow leaked classified information on purpose to make Obama look better. Really? How does a breach in national security actually make him look better? And given the fact that he is one of the most effective foreign policy presidents in US history in only one term, why would this be the issue he feels he would need help in?

ENTERTAINMENT

So after flashing her breast to an audience in Turkey last week, Madonna decided that she would moon the audience in Rome in this week…

OK, I’m sure no one cares at this point, but shouldn’t her family be at least a bit concerned? I certainly cannot be the only one oddly repulsed by this irrelevant senior citizen desperately attempting to cling to her long lost youth by flashing at her age, right?

Seriously if my grandmother were exhibiting similar behavior we would be having a family meeting to determine which senior citizens home to put her in.

SPORTS

I have been involved in boxing as a fan, fighter and trainer for pretty much most of my life. Regardless of the violence, it really is like playing Chess with your fists and footwork, and it is a great sport to be a part of. The unskilled fashion of the times are just that, and boxing is something that I hope will live through it. However, the sport becomes considerably harder to defend when you have decisions like the one that gave Timothy Bradley a victory over Manny Pacquiao on Saturday.

One of the things I like about UFC is that even though it can be viewed as a dictatorship by Dana White, he is at least a fair dictator who has not let absolute power corrupt him absolutely. Not even David Stern of the NBA can say that, given the recent questions about the league owning the New Orleans Hornets and them miraculously winning the Draft lottery, and last year when they blocked a trade that would have sent their then star player, Chris Paul, to the Los Angeles Lakers. But that’s a story for another time.

White has created a model where he acknowledges which fights he believes the fans want to see, and he makes them happen. Can bad decisions happen in UFC? Of course, and you can argue that boxing has been around much longer and therefore can only claim so many mistakes due to longevity, but the Pacquiao decision happened on Saturday, not many years ago, and if the sport is going to survive, it must do whatever it can to prevent things like this from happening.

Bob Arum called the Bradley/Pacquiao decision a “death nail” for the sport of boxing, and he should know considering that he holds the biggest hammer, and could have advocated for better judges, open scoring or some type of accountability or review system in place so that decisions this atrocious are not allowed to stand. And while you are at it, take a page from Dana White and make the best fights happen. Pacquiao should have been fighting Floyd Mayweather instead of Bradley, and that fight should have happened years ago.   

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

At first I really though this was a joke, but it is not…

The Burger King Bacon Sundae. That’s right, an ice cream sundae with bits of crispy bacon. (Ok, please continue reading after vomiting into the nearest trash can) Is it a coincidence that Nashville is where they tested this before they decided to slowly expose the rest of us? Just by looking at this, I can practically hear myself getting fatter.

Run and Hide...It's the Zombiepocalypse! 6/8/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Look, I’ve been getting a lot of flak lately for every once in a while, posting every two weeks instead of every week. But what you folks don’t realize is that when I am not commenting on how totally insane the world is becoming, I am out fighting Zombies that are now going public with their face eating and body part mass mailings.

Seriously what the fuck is this world coming to now? It’s bad enough that the United States has these home grown maniacs that sniff bath salts and eat people, but now Canada, obviously still feeling inadequate next to the US, refuse to be outdone in the zombie apocalypse department. It looks like one of their gay porn stars (I didn’t know that they were known for that) Luka Rocco Magnotta has not only been dismembering folks and eating them, but taping it then posting it online. And as if that were not enough, after his feast, he was sending the body parts to various schools and political offices throughout Canada. Don’t they screen the mail over there? I can’t even send a letter more than three pages long to my great aunt in Florida without it going through that big glass box at the post office (She doesn’t do e-mail).

And fear not, just because he is as stiff as a board and has no visible personality, that doesn’t mean Mitt Romney is a zombie. Remember he does not want to eat your brain, just whatever is left of your 401k.

Did you hear that al-Qaida might actually be lead by a US citizen? I’m serious. After we bitch slapped the latest al-Qaida No. 2, Abu Yahya al-Libi in a Predator attack on Monday (in Pakistan, by the way) it looks like they are starting to run out of home grown assholes so they need some Americans. Azzam al Amriki, or “Azzam the American,” looks like the next in line to get his ass blown off by one of our drones, considering that it’s always the #2 guy in al-Qaida that gets it more than the first guy. Now this certainly presents a Constitutional issue as far as due process goes. But the reasoning that the US can most effectively use is that Amriki chose to be an enemy combatant against the United States. He is acting on foreign soil and conspiring with declared enemies of the United States, I can’t imagine that he would demand his US Constitutional rights in front of his terrorist buddies should he be caught instead of killed.

Still while many Americans might feel that an American citizen being killed by the government without the benefits of due process is not the American way, when it comes to a global terrorist organization, the right thing is not so clear, but if it comes down to killing an enemy combatant or risking the lives of innocent Americans, I don’t give a shit where the enemy was born…bring on the drones!

SPORTS

Some predictions

Ahhh…I think Johnny Vander Meer’s record is safe after Mets starter Johan Santana, fresh off a no-hitter had his proverbial ass handed to him by the greatest sports franchise in history, giving up 4 home runs in 2 innings. Oh, Vander Meer is the only man to ever throw back to back no-hitters, by the way. I thought you knew that.

Manny Pacquiao will beat Timothy Bradley, but in the process will not get any younger. The door to a Mayweather fight and the richest payday in the history of boxing, is closing rapidly.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Am I the only one creeped out by Michael Jackson’s kids? Now that they are getting older and no longer being hidden by masks and dyed hair, I actually long for the days I didn’t have that kid Blanket staring dead at me like one of those maniacs in “Children of the Corn.”

And hey LaToya, how screwed up do you have to be to be known as the crazy one in the Jackson family? Would you believe this maniac was on TV actually defending her late brother for putting masks on these kids?