Some Random Christmas Thoughts 12/14/12

An ex-girlfriend was struggling with what to get me for Christmas so I just said “Take me to Home Depot, I want to buy a tool box and I need some things.” “OK” she said, “but are you sure that’s what you want? It doesn’t really seem like a gift.” To which I replied, “Hon, imagine someone buying you a big red metal box then filling it with shoes.” “Ahhhhh…OK”

Does anyone remember Gimble’s? For those of you who are not native New Yorkers or were too young to remember, it’s where the Manhattan Mall is now. Across the street on the corner of 32^nd and 6^th was a small counter café  known as Leo’s. Those were some of the best hot dogs in New York City. I’m serious; they were right up there with Nathan’s in Coney Island and Yankee Stadium.

One of my earliest Christmas memories was riding the subway with my mom on our way to Santaland at Macy’s, then to the enormous holiday section at Gimble’s, then to Leo’s. Two of those three places are gone, but not forgotten. How can they be? I’m a grown man and I still go to Santaland every year. It still has the same meaning for me as it did when I was a kid, except for that one year when I hit on one of his Elves. Those outfits can leave little to the imagination if not properly monitored!

I was not the happiest person during the middle of the previous decade, but I was home long enough to go to the Bronx Zoo one night during Christmas time to see the light display. I was taken there by one of the best friends I’ve ever had; someone who knew how unhappy I was at the time, and wanted to do something about it. There’s something that should be on everyone’s Christmas wish list, a friend like Y.A.

 Christmas cookies and the Albert Finney version of the Charles Dickens story…all becomes right with the world.

Greatest Store Window? Well it really depends on the year and who decides to do what. I am always partial to Macy’s, and this year’s window is a clear winner, but Sak’s Fifth Avenue has had some classics as well, particularly 1998 (don’t really know why I remember that one, but I do).  

The Vince Guaraldi Trio doing “A Charlie Brown Christmas”…all becomes right with the world.

The smell of chestnuts roasting from the vendor’s carriages, bells ringing, strangers saying Merry Christmas to each other, like two ladies said to me yesterday on 5^th Avenue, stores decorated, the light display at Grand Central Terminal, and what else? Well that’s up to you! Make some Christmas memories already!

New York is without a doubt, the greatest city in the world to spend Christmas in. No one ever wrote a song or made a movie about Christmas in Boise, Idaho or Mudville, Arkansas right?

Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Tail 11/15/12

This country became weaker last week after the abrupt resignation of CIA Director and Airborne Ranger General David Petraeus. For those of you who have still not been able to put your head around this thing, let me give you the short version: After an outstanding military career that most soldiers would die for that made him the most significant US General since George S.Patton, General Petraeus decided to participate in the writing of his biography. After looking back at his life and finally realizing how cool he was, he became drunk with the adulation and decided it would be OK to poke his biographer and fellow West Point grad, Paula Broadwell which he proceeded to do in a swift, proficient, military manner.

Now, the General was also friends with socialite and military groupie Jill Kelley, who for the record, is pretty hot for a woman her age. She kinda looks like a less white trash version of Kim Kardashian’s mom. Broadwell found out about the friendship and much like boneheaded high school kids, Broadwell sent threatening e-mails to Kelley telling her to stay away from her man, Kelley told the Dean (in this case, the FBI) who was so into Kelley that the agent in charge sent her a shirtless picture, and in the process of investigating Broadwell, found e-mails from Gen Petraeus exposing their affair.

In looking at Kelley’s e-mails, investigators found messages from General John Allen, who now has his promotion pushed back due to his many e-mails to Kelley. Yeah, all this shit because of e-mails.

Is Petraeus a flawed man? Obviously. Is this bullshit worth resigning over? Of course not. Which is why President Barack Obama didn’t accept his resignation at first, then reluctantly did so, so that this wouldn’t be a further distraction.

Now, as much as I really hate anyone having to lose their job over who they are sleeping with, there are genuine questions that need to be addressed. The first being the comments made by Broadwell after the September 11, 2012 attacks on our embassy in Bengazi, Libya. She said that the attacks might have been due to the prisoners that might have been detained there. News to all of us I’m sure, and if the Director of the CIA is giving away classified information during pillow talk then yeah, he is unfit to run the CIA. The next question is, if he can’t even keep his own extra curricular activities quiet, how the hell can he possibly run a spy agency?

Then there is of course, the right wing sore losers who want to make Petraeus’ zipper problem the fault of Barack Obama. Today Senator John McCain, who lost to Obama is 2008, held a press conference “demanding answers” as to what Obama knew and didn’t know about Bengazi, even bringing up the debate with Mitt Romney where Obama thrashed him (Dude you still mad, bro?). I wonder what “answers” John McCain was “demanding” from the President when George W Bush was allowing blatant war profiteering to go on during an illegal and immoral war waged under false pretenses that cost thousands of American lives?

Seriously do we still have to have this debate in 2012 about how what a man does in his private life does not affect his professional one? Have we forgotten that Thomas Jefferson managed to write a Declaration of Independence while banging Sally Hemings? That Franklin D. Roosevelt got us out of a depression and won a war while having a mistress…and he was in a wheelchair! And John F Kennedy…well…

Now, it is certainly understandable that an affair would leave the CIA director open to blackmail, but it’s a Catch -22 isn’t it? If no one cares, then it’s a mute point. Do you think that someone like George Clooney is open to blackmail because he bangs anything that moves? Exactly! And he is actually good looking. Let’s stop making such an effort to look stupid. Right now, the rest of the world that is not populated by Puritanical hypocrites is once again, laughing at us.

 

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Our overwhelming obsession with minutia, and our willingness to allow it to destroy great men.

The 4 Stages of Grief For Rich White Folks 11/8/12

There were a lot of happy people on Tuesday night at around 11:16 pm when CNN officially projected that Barack Obama would be re-elected for a second term. I don’t know if I was as “happy” as I was relieved that at least for the next four years, our country will not be run by a party that seems to be devoid of intelligence, reason and humanity.

There is one very important thing that I hope everyone takes away from this last election, and that is that this country has a fringe but vocal group of politicians that seem to want to re-argue things that were settled years ago. Issues like a woman’s right to choose, civil rights for all citizens regardless of who they love, equal pay for equal work. This is reminiscent of the same assholes that still wanted to fight the Civil War even after it was already decided. I have no idea what amount of fear, racism, sexism, and overall ignorance motivates these people, but they are beginning to scare me, in the year 2012.

As far as election coverage goes, NBC was the first to call the election for Barack Obama, a risky move but ultimately the right call. CNN provided the most solid and steady coverage as they patiently and objectively made their projections (not wanting a repeat of the gun-jumping of 2000 obviously). And then there is FOX News, who showed us all how to go through the four stages of grief on national television. But the most entertaining coverage was without a doubt and by far, ABC and an obviously tipsy Diane Sawyer. Sure you can say she was tired, but I would rather believe that George Stephanopoulos spiked her Starbuck’s in celebration.

Then there are of course, the election night traditions: Robot Mitt Romney effectively ended his political career by giving a short concession speech, Barack Obama came out to wild cheers and once again attempted to be as conciliatory as any reasonable man can to the wing nut yahoos that are currently holding the Republican Party hostage. And what election would be complete without controversy in Florida? First, in Miami-Dade county, a long line turned into a 1960’s protest when Republican Mayor Carlos Gimenez ordered operations to shut down with 180 people in line and two hours to go because he thought the line was too long. Ummm, isn’t that the idea? It was only after residents who refused to leave broke out their cameraphones and started chanting "Let us vote!" while banging on the department's locked front door that voting was allowed to continue.

And even now, two days after the election and Florida has still not been decided. It’s kinda like the homely smart chick that gets no attention from anyone until midterm exam time, then all of a sudden she is the most popular chick since Rachel McAdams in “Mean Girls.” I guess since they cancelled “Miami Vice” Florida is still starving for national attention.

In a considerably more progressive move, two states in the nation decided that they no longer wanted to live in the 1920’s Prohibition Era (because we all know how great that worked out). Colorado and Washington State passed laws that legalized the only so called “drug” that in the history of humanity has yet to kill anyone – Marijuana. In a related story, the age of consent is Washington State is 16. Two words: ROAD TRIP!

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Well just the fact that we re-elected the man that killed Osama bin Laden should be enough…

To Me, Sandy is Just a Bitter Ex-Girlfriend 11/2/12

For someone who has been criticized for staying in the hood even after being able to leave, I have to say that a lot of million dollar homes had no power or water during the storm, but all I felt was a lot of wind and rain. So how are those high property taxes working for ya, rich folks?

It was nice to see New Jersey Governor and meatball impressionist Chris Christie actually show some objective sense and praise President Obama for his handling of the relief efforts after Hurricane Sandy devastated his state. It’s incredible how silent Obama’s detractors have been. Mitt Romney decided to give out supplies from his luxury bus, but was no where near the areas hardest hit by the storm. God forbid his highness should even look at an area with no electricity, it might traumatize him for life. What’s next? Having to stand next to, or touch poor people? 

Seriously could Mitt Romney possibly be a worse choice for President? Forget about the fact that this is a man that seems to have functioning eyes and ears yet still denies global warming, could you imagine what New York and New Jersey would look like a few weeks from now if the asshole that said, “We can’t afford Federal Disaster relief” were president right now?
Cynics say that Governor Christie is only warming up to the President because he is up for re-election next year and wants to appear bi-partisan, I say go and visit the effected areas before you decide you want to politicize a natural disaster.

Having said that, I’m sure that there were hundreds of thousands of New Orleans residents that are happy for those of us in the Northeast in that unlike when Hurricane Katrina hit, we don’t have a President with Down syndrome. I say Down syndrome when referring to George W Bush’s intelligence level because I will no longer be using the word “retard” to describe him.

Even thought it is the label that most fits, a bright young man and Special Olympics Athlete by the name of John Franklin Stephens has convinced me that it really is a derogatory and offensive word and it does really hurt those suffering from mental illness, regardless of how it is used. Now do I usually give a shit about offending anyone? Of course not! But what I will not do is offend those who are without a choice, or who are just easy to pick on. That’s just a bully, and I hate bullies, just ask the kid whose face I smashed into a wall when I was in 8^th grade.   

And speaking of bullies, let’s talk about Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter! Apparently she got the attention of Mr. Stephens because she tweeted the word “retard” to describe President Obama. An odd choice of words considering she backed one for president in both 2000 and 2004, not to mention the fact that Obama is considerably more educated than she will ever be. I actually feel bad for Ann Coulter, she actually has to defend the massive foot she keeps firmly thrusting into her mouth. Maybe it’s time for a sex toy?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Just in case you don’t believe in God, consider this…The town where that ridiculous, mind numbing “Jersey Shore” show was shot, has now been washed away into the sea by this storm. I don’t know about you, but where Teabagger assholes see in this storm a sign from God that we should not support gay marriage, I see a sign from God saying that we should start reading more books!

Someone Just Lost Big Bird's Endorsement 10/4/12

 NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Yes, I think we all know that Mitt Romney was born with a silver foot in his mouth, but he did manage to pry it out long enough to have a pretty good debate last night. Barack Obama, really did look like he’d rather be somewhere else, maybe it’s because he has made every point possible to try and get the public to see the facts and they just refuse to. There were so many things that he could have called Romney out on, but he somehow refused to.

The good news is that people tend to fact check after a debate, and that’s where Romney will fall short. Cut PBS funding? Really? Big Bird should fly over your house and take a crap! How is cutting 0.012% of the budget going to fix the budget crisis? That’s like eating one grape then saying that you cleaned out your refrigerator. What an asshole!

Now look, anyone who follows politics knows that the challenger always looks good in the first debate, just because he is the new guy, but there is no reason for Romney to have looked that good unless the President was disinterested, and clearly he was. It’s kinda like the biggest kid on the block letting the smallest kid hit him a few times because he really isn’t feeling a thing.

Romney talked a lot about what he wanted to do, but said absolutely nothing specific about how he was going to do it, and no one seemed to care. There are a few consolations, the first being that it will never get that good for Romney again. Obama might have been a bit indifferent, but he is not a stupid man, and he has yet to let the same dog bite him twice, believe me, next debate he will bring it Chicago style.  

Yes I know the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees came out this week, and yes I have a strong opinion, but I will reserve it until it gets closer to ceremony time.

SPORTS

Boxer Orlando Cruz revealed that he is gay. Let me tell you something about courage. Courage is not Jon Ameche, a perennial bench warmer in the NBA coming out as he is plugging a book, decades after his career is over. Courage is a guy in a totally individual, extremely macho (for lack of a better word) sport like boxing, coming out in the prime of his career, where his announcement could cost him a fortune, especially if he was thinking about an endorsement deal with Chick-Fil-A! I admire this man, and I wish him well.

The seasons change and a slight chill cuts through the early autumn air. Yes the weather is changing, the days are getting shorter, the air is getting colder. As wonderful as hot cider, or your mom’s homemade soup, the Yankees beating the Red Sox senseless in October always gives me the warmest of feelings inside. Them winning the American League East, is also as familiar as an old quilt.

Congratulations to the man I am on record as saying that the Yankees should have signed in 2007 instead of matching Alex Rodriguez’ restricted free agent offer, Miguel Cabrera, for winning baseball’s offensive Triple Crown. Leading the League in batting average, homeruns and RBI’s, Cabrera is no doubt the American League MVP. Please stop saying its Mike Trout ok? He’s the rookie of the year.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

How do you know that someone is terrified of their impending divorce? While plugging his new book, Arnold Shwarzenegger admitted to having an affair with Brigette Nielsen. Yeah, the crazy white woman who dated Flava Flav.

In a related story, Justin Bieber read this and proceeded to vomit on stage after not being able to get the mental image of these two fossils banging out of his head.

Some Random Thoughts...9/7/12

Of course I’m going to talk about the Democratic National Convention, but first…Some random thoughts…

When you are someone who never goes to the mall, a trip to the mall actually gives you a lot to write about.

So I go to the Time Warner Cable Store at the mall because my remote control needed replacement. A young lady approaches me and asks “How can I help you?” I told her that I needed a new remote control and she asked me where my old one was. I told her it was in my bag ands he said “OK well just take it out.” To which I replied with a Beavis-inspired giggle. Clearly embarrassed, I felt horrible as she walked away to get my new remote until I noticed her male co-worker at the station next to her laughing hysterically. It was then I realized that I am, and forever will be, just an overgrown child.

Moral victories: Being in your 30’s and still getting proofed at a bar; Being in your 30’s and still being able to get a group of girls to stop what they are yapping about just long enough for them to do a double take to check you out.

In a heartfelt, emotional, impassioned speech, I decided to explain my dedication and commitment to giving every woman I’m with a heart stopping orgasm. I thought she was hanging on my every word until I suddenly found myself disappointed when I heard her say, “I’m sorry can you start over…you lost me after ‘Indiana Jones’”

I have finally broken away from the musically abusive, no talent lamefest that is the MTV Video Music Awards…did anything interesting happen?

The Republican National Convention was the living room of your grandparent’s house where your crusty relatives get together to complain about loud music and their prostates. Then drive you to suicidal thoughts by regurgitating stories you have heard a thousand times. No fun is had and no one is safe from complete and utter boredom.

In contrast, the Democratic National Convention is the attic or basement of the same house where you find a radio, sneak in beer and get to third base with your hot second cousin.

When President Obama took the stage to give his speech to one of my favorite U2 songs, I knew all was safe. Seriously compare and contrast the two conventions and honestly ask yourself: which one do you wanna be a part of? OK, maybe I’m just using this as a metaphor, but it was a much cooler convention. The speeches were better, the music was better, and most importantly the message was better. No senior citizens were maniacally yelling at an empty chair, no racial slurs were hurled at African-American CNN camerawomen, and a good time was had by all.

And how about Bill Clinton’s speech, huh? Bubba can still bring it even after two heart operations. I think that might have been the moment that got Barack Obama re-elected. So we have seen the messages, I for one, now cannot wait for the debates.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Look, I have no fucking idea who or what Honey Boo Boo is, but whatever this person is doing to make them famous, I want them to stop.

Running Backwards Towards the Future 8/31/12

I loved the Republican National Convention. There is nothing better than having a bunch of maniacal yahoos actually prove that they are maniacal yahoos on national television. I must say the stories coming out of this event are great examples of how backwards Republicans actually are, so let’s tell some!

First off, let’s start with their slogan, “We Built This” an obvious response to a statement by President Barack Obama that was taken grossly out of context, but why let the truth stand in the way of a good slogan? While implying that no one needs any help at all from the government when starting a business in America, the seemed to ignore the fact that the Tampa Bay Times Forum Arena, the very place where they were having their convention was built by using 62% taxpayer money. Nice to see that the Republican hypocracy train is running on time as usual, but what baffles me is how they have gotten so many people to buy into either their indifference or complete ignorance of the facts. 

Chris Christie’s speech was more about him and the fact that he is the GOP’s next presidential candidate, than it was about his candidate or his party. But you gotta admit he does have some personality. But he has to stay alive in order to be the new face of the GOP, and he might not live too long if he keeps mainlining cheese fries.

It was nice to see how the party that once filibustered civil rights legislation has finally progressed. This best illustrated by delegates throwing peanuts at CNN camerawoman Patricia Caroll, who is African American and yelling “This is how we feed the animals!” Yeah…stay classy GOP.

Everyone talked about how Paul Ryan “energized” the convention during his speech, but no one can seem to remember what the fuck he actually said, so maybe they were talking about him recharging everyone’s powerchair and gauging everyone’s oxygen tank.

And speaking of needing oxygen…Ahhh Clint Eastwood. Look, we all loved “Unforgiven” and “Million Dollar Baby.” I often imitated “Dirty Harry” and every other memorable quote from his career in front of a mirror like any other red-blooded American kid, but maybe it is time to have that difficult discussion about putting him, not in a home, but call it a “retirement community for active seniors.” When you spend 12 minutes rambling to a chair, we worry. We worry because we love you.

Mitt Romney’s speech was supposed to be his greatest public moment; the time where we finally get to know the man and his vision for the future of America. So did he say anything new? Interesting? Truthful? Obviously not because early polls indicated absolutely no change at all in the Presidential race so far.

You know who was noticeably absent from all the festivities? Retarded former President George W Bush. What does it say about how Republicans feel about him, and what does it say about his presidency that not even the GOP, who seem to be experts at fiction and getting stupid people to believe anything, cannot seem to find one good thing to say about him? Not one positive event in his record that would be enough to allow him to at least address the convention.

What does it say about a party that the last president they seem to revere was Ronald Reagan, a man who was president 30 years ago, and whose record they obviously know nothing about. If Reagan were alive today, he would be marginalized by this same party for being “too liberal.” Seriously if Reagan is their Kennedy or their FDR, they are in serious trouble.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I’m sorry but I just have to say one last thing about this ridiculous convention. One of their main themes was the idea that Barack Obama’s presidency has been disappointing and that “Hope and Change” were great things to vote for, but that they didn’t really work.

Well nothing can work when every one of his ideas meets with a Congress that will not allow this “experiment to work,” to paraphrase Paul Ryan. The "experiment" of course, is to let a black man run things. They talked about the debt, but refuse to address the reason it’s so high is because Bush put his two wars on the national credit card and Obama has been stuck with the bill.

They talk about how Obama wants to increase government, but seem to forget the fact that in three years under the Obama administration, more private sector jobs have been created than in eight years during George W Bush.

It is baffling to me how these people are so indifferent to the truth and yet still in this race.