To Me, Sandy is Just a Bitter Ex-Girlfriend 11/2/12

For someone who has been criticized for staying in the hood even after being able to leave, I have to say that a lot of million dollar homes had no power or water during the storm, but all I felt was a lot of wind and rain. So how are those high property taxes working for ya, rich folks?

It was nice to see New Jersey Governor and meatball impressionist Chris Christie actually show some objective sense and praise President Obama for his handling of the relief efforts after Hurricane Sandy devastated his state. It’s incredible how silent Obama’s detractors have been. Mitt Romney decided to give out supplies from his luxury bus, but was no where near the areas hardest hit by the storm. God forbid his highness should even look at an area with no electricity, it might traumatize him for life. What’s next? Having to stand next to, or touch poor people? 

Seriously could Mitt Romney possibly be a worse choice for President? Forget about the fact that this is a man that seems to have functioning eyes and ears yet still denies global warming, could you imagine what New York and New Jersey would look like a few weeks from now if the asshole that said, “We can’t afford Federal Disaster relief” were president right now?
Cynics say that Governor Christie is only warming up to the President because he is up for re-election next year and wants to appear bi-partisan, I say go and visit the effected areas before you decide you want to politicize a natural disaster.

Having said that, I’m sure that there were hundreds of thousands of New Orleans residents that are happy for those of us in the Northeast in that unlike when Hurricane Katrina hit, we don’t have a President with Down syndrome. I say Down syndrome when referring to George W Bush’s intelligence level because I will no longer be using the word “retard” to describe him.

Even thought it is the label that most fits, a bright young man and Special Olympics Athlete by the name of John Franklin Stephens has convinced me that it really is a derogatory and offensive word and it does really hurt those suffering from mental illness, regardless of how it is used. Now do I usually give a shit about offending anyone? Of course not! But what I will not do is offend those who are without a choice, or who are just easy to pick on. That’s just a bully, and I hate bullies, just ask the kid whose face I smashed into a wall when I was in 8^th grade.   

And speaking of bullies, let’s talk about Dumbo-eared asshole Ann Coulter! Apparently she got the attention of Mr. Stephens because she tweeted the word “retard” to describe President Obama. An odd choice of words considering she backed one for president in both 2000 and 2004, not to mention the fact that Obama is considerably more educated than she will ever be. I actually feel bad for Ann Coulter, she actually has to defend the massive foot she keeps firmly thrusting into her mouth. Maybe it’s time for a sex toy?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Just in case you don’t believe in God, consider this…The town where that ridiculous, mind numbing “Jersey Shore” show was shot, has now been washed away into the sea by this storm. I don’t know about you, but where Teabagger assholes see in this storm a sign from God that we should not support gay marriage, I see a sign from God saying that we should start reading more books!

Someone Just Lost Big Bird's Endorsement 10/4/12

 NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Yes, I think we all know that Mitt Romney was born with a silver foot in his mouth, but he did manage to pry it out long enough to have a pretty good debate last night. Barack Obama, really did look like he’d rather be somewhere else, maybe it’s because he has made every point possible to try and get the public to see the facts and they just refuse to. There were so many things that he could have called Romney out on, but he somehow refused to.

The good news is that people tend to fact check after a debate, and that’s where Romney will fall short. Cut PBS funding? Really? Big Bird should fly over your house and take a crap! How is cutting 0.012% of the budget going to fix the budget crisis? That’s like eating one grape then saying that you cleaned out your refrigerator. What an asshole!

Now look, anyone who follows politics knows that the challenger always looks good in the first debate, just because he is the new guy, but there is no reason for Romney to have looked that good unless the President was disinterested, and clearly he was. It’s kinda like the biggest kid on the block letting the smallest kid hit him a few times because he really isn’t feeling a thing.

Romney talked a lot about what he wanted to do, but said absolutely nothing specific about how he was going to do it, and no one seemed to care. There are a few consolations, the first being that it will never get that good for Romney again. Obama might have been a bit indifferent, but he is not a stupid man, and he has yet to let the same dog bite him twice, believe me, next debate he will bring it Chicago style.  

Yes I know the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame nominees came out this week, and yes I have a strong opinion, but I will reserve it until it gets closer to ceremony time.

SPORTS

Boxer Orlando Cruz revealed that he is gay. Let me tell you something about courage. Courage is not Jon Ameche, a perennial bench warmer in the NBA coming out as he is plugging a book, decades after his career is over. Courage is a guy in a totally individual, extremely macho (for lack of a better word) sport like boxing, coming out in the prime of his career, where his announcement could cost him a fortune, especially if he was thinking about an endorsement deal with Chick-Fil-A! I admire this man, and I wish him well.

The seasons change and a slight chill cuts through the early autumn air. Yes the weather is changing, the days are getting shorter, the air is getting colder. As wonderful as hot cider, or your mom’s homemade soup, the Yankees beating the Red Sox senseless in October always gives me the warmest of feelings inside. Them winning the American League East, is also as familiar as an old quilt.

Congratulations to the man I am on record as saying that the Yankees should have signed in 2007 instead of matching Alex Rodriguez’ restricted free agent offer, Miguel Cabrera, for winning baseball’s offensive Triple Crown. Leading the League in batting average, homeruns and RBI’s, Cabrera is no doubt the American League MVP. Please stop saying its Mike Trout ok? He’s the rookie of the year.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

How do you know that someone is terrified of their impending divorce? While plugging his new book, Arnold Shwarzenegger admitted to having an affair with Brigette Nielsen. Yeah, the crazy white woman who dated Flava Flav.

In a related story, Justin Bieber read this and proceeded to vomit on stage after not being able to get the mental image of these two fossils banging out of his head.

Some Random Thoughts...9/7/12

Of course I’m going to talk about the Democratic National Convention, but first…Some random thoughts…

When you are someone who never goes to the mall, a trip to the mall actually gives you a lot to write about.

So I go to the Time Warner Cable Store at the mall because my remote control needed replacement. A young lady approaches me and asks “How can I help you?” I told her that I needed a new remote control and she asked me where my old one was. I told her it was in my bag ands he said “OK well just take it out.” To which I replied with a Beavis-inspired giggle. Clearly embarrassed, I felt horrible as she walked away to get my new remote until I noticed her male co-worker at the station next to her laughing hysterically. It was then I realized that I am, and forever will be, just an overgrown child.

Moral victories: Being in your 30’s and still getting proofed at a bar; Being in your 30’s and still being able to get a group of girls to stop what they are yapping about just long enough for them to do a double take to check you out.

In a heartfelt, emotional, impassioned speech, I decided to explain my dedication and commitment to giving every woman I’m with a heart stopping orgasm. I thought she was hanging on my every word until I suddenly found myself disappointed when I heard her say, “I’m sorry can you start over…you lost me after ‘Indiana Jones’”

I have finally broken away from the musically abusive, no talent lamefest that is the MTV Video Music Awards…did anything interesting happen?

The Republican National Convention was the living room of your grandparent’s house where your crusty relatives get together to complain about loud music and their prostates. Then drive you to suicidal thoughts by regurgitating stories you have heard a thousand times. No fun is had and no one is safe from complete and utter boredom.

In contrast, the Democratic National Convention is the attic or basement of the same house where you find a radio, sneak in beer and get to third base with your hot second cousin.

When President Obama took the stage to give his speech to one of my favorite U2 songs, I knew all was safe. Seriously compare and contrast the two conventions and honestly ask yourself: which one do you wanna be a part of? OK, maybe I’m just using this as a metaphor, but it was a much cooler convention. The speeches were better, the music was better, and most importantly the message was better. No senior citizens were maniacally yelling at an empty chair, no racial slurs were hurled at African-American CNN camerawomen, and a good time was had by all.

And how about Bill Clinton’s speech, huh? Bubba can still bring it even after two heart operations. I think that might have been the moment that got Barack Obama re-elected. So we have seen the messages, I for one, now cannot wait for the debates.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Look, I have no fucking idea who or what Honey Boo Boo is, but whatever this person is doing to make them famous, I want them to stop.

Running Backwards Towards the Future 8/31/12

I loved the Republican National Convention. There is nothing better than having a bunch of maniacal yahoos actually prove that they are maniacal yahoos on national television. I must say the stories coming out of this event are great examples of how backwards Republicans actually are, so let’s tell some!

First off, let’s start with their slogan, “We Built This” an obvious response to a statement by President Barack Obama that was taken grossly out of context, but why let the truth stand in the way of a good slogan? While implying that no one needs any help at all from the government when starting a business in America, the seemed to ignore the fact that the Tampa Bay Times Forum Arena, the very place where they were having their convention was built by using 62% taxpayer money. Nice to see that the Republican hypocracy train is running on time as usual, but what baffles me is how they have gotten so many people to buy into either their indifference or complete ignorance of the facts. 

Chris Christie’s speech was more about him and the fact that he is the GOP’s next presidential candidate, than it was about his candidate or his party. But you gotta admit he does have some personality. But he has to stay alive in order to be the new face of the GOP, and he might not live too long if he keeps mainlining cheese fries.

It was nice to see how the party that once filibustered civil rights legislation has finally progressed. This best illustrated by delegates throwing peanuts at CNN camerawoman Patricia Caroll, who is African American and yelling “This is how we feed the animals!” Yeah…stay classy GOP.

Everyone talked about how Paul Ryan “energized” the convention during his speech, but no one can seem to remember what the fuck he actually said, so maybe they were talking about him recharging everyone’s powerchair and gauging everyone’s oxygen tank.

And speaking of needing oxygen…Ahhh Clint Eastwood. Look, we all loved “Unforgiven” and “Million Dollar Baby.” I often imitated “Dirty Harry” and every other memorable quote from his career in front of a mirror like any other red-blooded American kid, but maybe it is time to have that difficult discussion about putting him, not in a home, but call it a “retirement community for active seniors.” When you spend 12 minutes rambling to a chair, we worry. We worry because we love you.

Mitt Romney’s speech was supposed to be his greatest public moment; the time where we finally get to know the man and his vision for the future of America. So did he say anything new? Interesting? Truthful? Obviously not because early polls indicated absolutely no change at all in the Presidential race so far.

You know who was noticeably absent from all the festivities? Retarded former President George W Bush. What does it say about how Republicans feel about him, and what does it say about his presidency that not even the GOP, who seem to be experts at fiction and getting stupid people to believe anything, cannot seem to find one good thing to say about him? Not one positive event in his record that would be enough to allow him to at least address the convention.

What does it say about a party that the last president they seem to revere was Ronald Reagan, a man who was president 30 years ago, and whose record they obviously know nothing about. If Reagan were alive today, he would be marginalized by this same party for being “too liberal.” Seriously if Reagan is their Kennedy or their FDR, they are in serious trouble.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I’m sorry but I just have to say one last thing about this ridiculous convention. One of their main themes was the idea that Barack Obama’s presidency has been disappointing and that “Hope and Change” were great things to vote for, but that they didn’t really work.

Well nothing can work when every one of his ideas meets with a Congress that will not allow this “experiment to work,” to paraphrase Paul Ryan. The "experiment" of course, is to let a black man run things. They talked about the debt, but refuse to address the reason it’s so high is because Bush put his two wars on the national credit card and Obama has been stuck with the bill.

They talk about how Obama wants to increase government, but seem to forget the fact that in three years under the Obama administration, more private sector jobs have been created than in eight years during George W Bush.

It is baffling to me how these people are so indifferent to the truth and yet still in this race.   

Does the GOP Have a Weird Sex Fetish? 8/24/12

Uhh guys…a word of advice. Don't waste your time trying to get the attention of that half naked bimbo at the club. Don't buy her an overpriced drink, and don't make an ass out of yourself gawking like an idiot. She doesn’t dress like that because she looking for a guy like you. She dresses like that because she is insecure, stupid and in desperate need of validation. Seriously if she were planning to go home with you tonight would she have come here with six other angry, man-hating cock blockers? Wake up.

Now you want a real chick? Go to a library. That hottie sitting in front of you has spent the last six hours with her head buried in the Uniform Commercial Code, she really needs comforting. I’m serious, I never go to clubs, and yet I’m always smiling…I assure you there is a reason for that.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I would like to thank Rep. Todd Akin for telling me exactly what “legitimate rape” is. I didn’t know what it was until he blessed me with his typical Tea bagger scientific insight. I’m sure that all rape victims can now breathe a sigh of relief now that they know the exact science of what was probably the most horrifying experience of their lives. Now if he could only prove that hurricanes and other natural disasters are caused by Gay marriage, I think we have a Nobel Prize winner here! What a “legitimate” total asshole!

And speaking of hurricanes, there is one headed to Florida that might put a serious damper on the Republican National Convention. Well, at least now we know what God thinks of Mitt Romney.

SPORTS

After Bartolo Colon, the second ex-Yankee in a week has been busted for using PED’s, received a 50 game suspension, Skip Bayless of ESPN decided to use his keen insight and investigative powers to question whether or not Derek Jeter might be using PED’s considering that he is having one of the best years of his career at 38 years old. “You would have to have your head in the sand or your head somewhere else not to at least wonder, 'How is he doing this?'" Bayless said Wednesday. Hey Skip, there are great players who have never been anywhere near a steroid accusation, but can’t seem to get into the Hall of Fame because of uninformed reporters like you making such presumptive statements. Can we test you for being a moron?

And the US Anti Doping Agency has banned cyclist Lance Armstrong for life from the sport, and has stripped him of his record seven Tour De France titles, after he decided to drop the appeal of his doping charges. Now, I can see them banning him from cycling in the United States, but since when do they have jurisdiction over the Tour de France?

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Do you know who Congressman Kevin Yoder is? Well thanks to his love of getting naked in a foreign country, now we all do! This is the "conservative" congressman who decided he wanted to get in touch with Jesus by skinny dipping in the Sea of Galilee during an official congressional trip to Israel. Well as Republicans have now begun distancing themselves from him, he did receive one major endorsement: "Obviously, Congressman Yoder is a typical American who enjoys skinny-dipping, like over 50 million other Americans," said a statement from the American Association for Nude Recreation. Oh yeah….that endorsement should go a long way to getting him re-elected! If these are the nitwits we are sending to one of the holiest places on Earth, is it any wonder why they think we are all boneheads?

Welcome Back, Now What's Happening? 8/17/12

For the past few weeks I have been resting comfortably at an undisclosed location. But I guess it’s back to work

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

So nice of Robot Mitt Romney to pick his running mate while I was away, I had no idea who the guy was so he actually gave me some time to do some research. Wisconsin’s own Paul Ryan seems nice enough; he doesn’t come across as a typical Tea bagger maniac at first glance, but give him some time. And am I the only one dying for that shirtless Paul Ryan pic to finally surface?

What surprised me was how the Obama campaign was so quick to criticize this guy as a Right wing loon that wants to give tax breaks to the rich, bust labor unions and financially destroy the middle class. Well yeah…who were you expecting them to pick? Dennis Kucinich? The Democrats are going to need a bit more substantive firepower than criticizing a Republican for being a Republican…Come on guys…get inspired! Gimmie some typical Republican dirt, like an off shore bank account or a secret gay affair...you know, something conservatives are known for!

SPORTS

I, as I do every four years, always catch a serious case of Olympic Fever. But this year I have to admit, although I watched a lot of events while I was on vacation, I really didn’t get as into it as I usually do. First off, no one was going to outdo the Opening Ceremony of 2008 in Beijing, but did you really have to give us a musical number about England’s transition from an agrarian economy to an industrial one? Why not make a musical about the Titanic? Wait a minute…someone actually did that right? I was kinda hoping to see David Bowie or an Oasis reunion. Instead, you give me a woman milking a cow and child labor.

The US Women’s Gymnastics Team was cute; Michael Phelps becoming the most decorated Olympian of all time was nice to watch, even though he seemed a bit bored, and it was obvious he didn’t train nearly as hard as he should have. Had he wanted to, he could have swept every race he was in.

That Ryan Lochte dude is about as articulate as a bag of rocks, and that’s with the grill; without it, about as articulate as tree sap.

The US Men’s Basketball Team was efficient, they won as expected, but were just not very exciting. And why wasn’t Tyson Chandler in the Gold Medal game against Spain? Wouldn’t they have needed his size given the fact that Spain had two 7-footers in the Gasol brothers?

I actually got into the smaller countries winning medals than the typical China vs. USA vs. Russia battle. The Cold War is over.

The Closing ceremonies were actually a bit more interesting in London because they finally celebrated what England is best known for, at least culture wise: music. This is what the Opening Ceremonies should have looked like, only with the addition of the World’s absolute greatest rock band, The Rolling Stones. Seriously how can you celebrate England’s greatest cultural export, and I don’t mean every drunken rich guy putting a napkin on his head trying to imitate Queen Victoria, but music, and not include the Stones?

I mean thank you for Brian May. I have no idea who Jessie J is but she has a great ass for a white chick so thank you again, but I really could have done without the Spice Girls. I was there for the first time around and they sucked then, too. That’s like a girl with a great smile that is missing a front tooth.

However, fear not Olympic fans, as London took the Opening Ceremonies to celebrate what they are most known for, so will Rio de Janeiro in 2016. So get ready for a lot of big asses in thongs! All the more reason to get into the Olympic spirit starting now!

All those Yankee fans that wanted to hold on to Melky Cabrera must be glad that the team got rid of him now that he has tested positive for PEDs and will be suspended 50 games, which is pretty much the rest of the season. This could very well be a death nail for the San Francisco Giants considering how lukewarm their offense has been and the struggles of Tim Lincecum. I can see the new Melky t-shirt now…”Got ‘Roids?”

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Ummm…I’m not really sure…can someone please tell me what the fuck is going on in the world?

Everyone's Advisors Need Advisors 7/12/12

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Think your government isn’t hard at work? The House of Representatives voted for the (yawn) 31^st (or 33^rd, but who’s really counting at this point) time to try and repeal the Affordable Health Care Act, even after the Supreme Court has declared that it is Constitutional, which now makes all three branches of government that have endorsed this act. At this point, there is no way that this can be just about health care right? With so many more pressing problems, why is it that House Republicans can’t seem to get their head around the fact that they lost? What I would like to know is, what is it about the bill they hate so much? Is it the affordability or the humanity? Or could it be the crippling fear of a black man leaving a legacy that later generations will thank him for and thus, opening the door for the possibility of another black man actually being president again? 

SPORTS

I think FOXSports is finally catching up to FOXNews in complete and utter stupidity. Well actually they just reported the story, they didn’t necessarily endorse the content, but who cares really? FOXNews is just dying to be called stupid so why not do it anyway?

However, the questionable intelligence this time comes from none other than Kobe Bryant, who when asked if whether or not the current US Men’s Olympic Basketball team could beat the 1992 Dream Team he responded with: "It'd be a tough one, but I think we'd pull it out." OK, there is a lot to say here: First off, let me say that reporters should stop asking this question every four years. It is getting boring and it’s an unfair question. No one on any subsequent Olympic team wants to be compared to a team with 11 Hall of Famers. And what would you expect them to say? “Uh gee…no. My team, that I am on, and have given up my Summer to play for, is not the team I really want to be on”? Come on already, put it to rest. OK so now that that’s out of the way…Are you fucking nuts, Kobe?I really don’t know what’s worse, the fact that Kobe Bryant, someone who this team is counting on could possibly be that delusional, or the fact that the “writer” of this article, identified only by some ridiculous web-nick name and not an actual name,  who is supposed to be informed given the fact that he is a writer, agrees with him.

Look, I could get into a whole sports geek argument about why this is so preposterous, but I will keep it simple. Ask yourself these simple questions… are there 11 legitimate NBA Hall of Famers on the 2012 Olympic Team? Are there any “All-time” players at their positions on the 2012 Olympic team? Is the greatest Center, Forward or Guard ever, playing in the NBA today? Exactly. Case closed. Moving on…

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

I really am gonna miss Mitt Romney when he loses to Barack Obama. He really is a social commentator’s wet dream. It’s almost like he fucks up on cue whenever I need some rich out of touch white guy to make fun of, he provides me with “the trees are just the right size in Michigan” or trying to sing “America the Beautiful” on camera. And just when you thought someone had reeled him in, he decides to personally address the NAACP National Convention. No, really…he actually did this. And during his speech he decides to talk about repealing “Obamacare.” Thus, denying about 14 million African Americans health care. Brilliant move Mitt, thank you. Seriously who is advising this guy? Regardless of whether or not you want to stick to your guns, at least know your audience. Needless to say he was booed mercilessly. It was as if some ridiculous, rich, white, out-of-touch Mormon had gone to an NAACP meeting and…wait a minute.

What’s even funnier is that his backers actually praised Romney for going to the meeting calling him “brave.” Brave? Really?  That’s actually even more insulting. Why was he brave? What was so dangerous or life threatening about attending a meeting of a globally recognized, decades old civil rights organization? Were they afraid the angry black folks might rob him? What an asshole.