Looks Like the Weiner Has Been Roasted 6/17/11

So last weekend I went to a party and I met someone who mentioned, not bragged, just mentioned that he was a personal friend of Mick Jagger. Now anyone who knows me knows I am a huge Stones fan, and after talking with him for a few minutes I realized he wasn’t lying…

Ok who the fuck is Blake Lively?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

As I watched Congressman Anthony Weiner finally resign due to this “sexting” scandal I wanted to rant on how stupid I thought people were for making such a big deal out of what is essentially nothing. Then I thought about the difference between the individual and the proverbial angry mob. I’m pretty sure than even the brain dead when confronted one on one about this issue would say that they could care less about his personal life so long as he is not breaking any laws or spending public funds. Put them in with the mob however, and they will nit pick at anything just so they can be a part of the dumb crowd that is screaming the loudest for blood.

An individual is smart. An individual is thoughtful and considerate when given the chance to be so. It is the crowd that is stupid, because the crowd looks for the simplest path to bloodlust, and that is a significant part of why Weiner had to resign today. The crowd cannot, nor is it interested in seeing the complex truth, or investigating anything for itself. The crowd only sees the headline, it yells about it then moves on, unaware that its mindless rant might have just cost someone their life.

Needless to say Weiner did this to himself, not just the irresponsible acts, but the fact that he never was able to harbor any real relationships in Washington DC, and that might have lead to his resignation more than anything. Nancy Pelosi certainly wasn’t a friend, nor were any other big wigs in the House of Representatives. So ultimately this man with a good heart and a genuine desire to make his community a better place, an anti-politician more interested in doing the right thing than cultivating political allies, was done in by that very thing. Not just the pictures, but the fact that he was too honorable a person to make friends in Congress.

SPORTS

Congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks on their first NBA Championship. Yes Dirk Nowitzki is the best player to ever come out of Europe, but come on ESPN, top 20 or 30 all time? Ahh…no. Best foreign born player? Try Hakeem Olajuwon. Jason Kidd certainly deserves his championship after so many years. And I hate to admit this, but Mark Cuban might be a complete buffoon, but he cares about that team and everyone on it. He took a last place team and built a winner with patience and consistency and if not him, that team certainly is worth rooting for.

And although it should be all about Dallas, it seems as though all everyone wants to talk about is the failure of LeBron James’ “decision.” I don’t know if making it to the Finals your first year together is considered a failure, but when it’s this Miami Heat team, the expectations were unreasonably high, and many of those expectations were brought on by the team itself. The Finals being more about hating LeBron than the rise of the Mavericks was a bit of a turn off, but these playoffs leading up to the finals were still interesting to watch, as will next years free agency moves, if there is no lock out of course.

The biggest fish in next year’s pond is flake Dwight Howard of Orlando, who says he wants to be a free agent but stay in Orlando. Someone should tell him how insulting that is to Orlando Magic fans. It’s kinda like saying “I wanna be married but still fool around.” I don’t think Orlando will make the same mistake that Cleveland made with LeBron James and just let Howard go next year. If they are smart they make a trade so they can get at least something in return, not to mention not allowing their team to be hijacked for the whole year by one player. 

And lastly…the greatest LeBron joke? Had to be “If LeBron wanted a ring he should have just stayed in Ohio and bought some jewelry from Terrelle Pryor.” How I wish I had written that one.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Celebrating the anniversary of the OJ Simpson car chase that interrupted the NBA Finals in 1994? Really? When is this finally gonna stop? The murdering of two people doesn’t need a memorial. And unless you are celebrating the lives of the deceased and not the famous accused running back, it really is time to put a lid on this crap.

Don't Roast The Weiner! 6/9/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Looks like now even Democrats like Rep. Allyson Schwartz are calling for the roasting of the Weiner…Anthony Weiner, that is. Of course I expected the Republican puppets and the loudly ignorant Tea-baggers to call for his head (not the circumcised one, but the political one) they have no well-reasoned position on anything. What I believe shocks and disgusts Republicans the most is that Weiner actually sent these pictures to women, and a heterosexual sex scandal is something that Republicans just aren’t used to. But there is a lot more to this.  It would be easy for a reasoned person to stand by the argument that this is a personal matter and in no way interferes with his oath of Congressional office and they would be right, but I’m afraid in this case it’s just not that simple. It has nothing to do with what he did mind you, which most of his constituents believe is innocuous, but more so about the time in which he did it.

For decades, any history professor with an even mild understanding of American history has used the line “If there had been a television set in every living room in America in 1932, this country never elects a man in a wheelchair.” They are speaking of course of the greatest President of the 20^th century, Franklin Delano Roosevelt.

In a nutshell, this is a statement that technology shapes how we view our leaders; this latest scandal is proof of that. Now let me make a similar statement…"If there had been a camera phone in every hand in America in 1999, Bill Clinton gets impeached." The reason that Democrats are not standing behind Anthony Weiner is because there is undeniable proof that he did exactly what he is being accused of, in the form of the actual pictures; pictures that can be sent out in seconds and be seen all over the world. Let me give you an image and try not to violently throw up…Imagine if instead of the so called “blue dress,” Monica Lewinsky had text messages and actual pictures of her and Bill Clinton engaging in their affair. Imagine them taking cell phone pics of...ok, I can’t do this anymore but I think you get what I mean. The images would be impossible to get out of your head, and even Democrats who initially supported the President would have run for cover. A stained dress is one thing, but and actual image is another. Without an image supporters can always have at least a token hope of some type of deniability. But with the images there is no way out.

Even Nancy Pelosi, someone who’s position on everything is so lukewarm it is fed to newborns, is calling for an ethics probe. Really? Why not be this animate about raising taxes on the riches 1% of this country? I’ve always said that I like this guy and I think he would have made a great Mayor of New York City, but I would have to get by his name. Now, who knows what is in store for him? Either way I think he is a capable man and if he weathers this storm, anything can happen.

SPORTS

After ruining a respectable coach’s career, his chances at the NFL draft, and pretty much the entire football program at Ohio State, it’s nice to know that Terrelle Pryor decided to leave school this week, “in the best interests of his teammates.” Really? This guy has yet to do anything for anyone but himself, so I’m a bit surprised he expected anyone to swallow that one. There is only one reason he would leave school after the NFL draft had already taken place. Maybe he knew a further NCAA investigation was coming and he could have very well been kicked out of school. What happened to Ohio State? When did they let the Maurice Clarretts and Terrelle Pryors run the asylum? At least Clarrett won a National Championship.  

No, I will not be talking about the Yankees.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Remember a few years ago I wrote about Leona Helmsley leaving $12 million to her dog? Well the dog finally dropped dead this week, but what disturbs me is that she was not the only one to leave millions to a dog. A mineral heir in South Dakota is said to leave $130 million to their dog, and it is even rumored that Oprah Winfrey has a clause in her will leaving $30 million to her various fleabags. Recession? What recession?

I'm Prefixing Every Adjective With the Word "Shaq" 6/2/11

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

I can’t get my head around the idea that New York Congressman Anthony Weiner decided to send a dirty pic to a chick he was following on Twitter. I also can’t get terms like “Weiner-Gate” out of my head, as well as a myriad of other references to a bulging underwear pic and the word “Weiner” because I’m just a cruel human being. Despite his name, he is the front runner in the race for mayor of New York City in the next election should he choose to run. This little (or not so little, depending on your perspective) incident might set him back, but should he run, think of all the jokes I will have by then!

A new report released today by the Global Commission on Drug Policy argues that the decades-old worldwide "war on drugs has failed, with devastating consequences for individuals and societies around the world." The 19-member commission includes former U.N. Secretary-General Kofi Annan, Richard Branson and George P. Schultz, who held cabinet posts under U.S. Presidents Ronald Reagan and Richard Nixon. The commison also calls for nations to explore legalization efforts of marijuana to undermine criminal organizations. Nice to see a former UN Secretary General say that today. It’s too bad he was never in a powerful enough position to say how he really felt when he was, umm I don’t know, the Secretary General of the United Nations? Seriously why is it that so many world leaders are so reluctant to state the obvious on this issue until they are no longer world leaders?

SPORTS

Ohio State Head Football Coach Jim Tressel did what all good leaders should do, he fell on his sword to avoid further embarrassment. However, he certainly does not deserve all of the blame. Quarterback Terrelle Pryor definitely should shoulder some of the blame considering that it was his stupid actions along with a few others that are responsible for Tressel losing his job. And one more thing, driving away from a team meeting after Tressel’s “resignation” in a Nissan 350Z certainly isn’t the image you want representing your school or your team on ESPN. Some of his teammates are beginning to respond to this too, and things are not looking good in Columbus right now.

I called for Shaquille O’Neal to retire two years ago, and given the fact that his last two seasons have been ineffective and riddled with injuries, I think he really should be at peace with his decision, I know I am. As for his place in NBA history, he has to be on, and I’m beginning to hate this reference, the "Mount Rushmore" of NBA centers. There is Bill Russell, Wilt Chamberlain, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, and Shaq. This was certainly his time to retire, but, and at the risk of over using this phrase, the league will definitely miss him. Not only was he a great player, and certainly the most dominant force of his era, but he was also congenial, funny and accessible, something Kobe Bryant could have learned from.

I guess I’m so affected by this because he was an athlete whose career I remember from beginning to end. I remember ESPN talking about this kid from LSU who was going to change how the game was played. How me and all of my lunch table friends all agreed that the league just wasn’t ready for this guy. How we all thought that he was robbed of a position on the original “Dream Team” Olympic basketball squad in 1992. Then I remember watching the NBA Draft and him going first to Orlando, I didn’t even know Orlando had an NBA team. He broke two backboards his first year, and I was at one of those games against the New Jersey Nets.

If you have ever seen him in person, he was just huge. Not just tall, but a big man that no one seemed to be able to defend. Needless to say he was Rookie of the Year in 1992-1993. I remember when he went to the LA Lakers and how great those teams were. Even with all the drama of his departure, he still kept his sense of humor. Always an entertainer, I hope even though he is going away, he never goes too far.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Like the animals of the wild frontier, Proctologists for a 20 mile radius were alerted to the scent of these two gargantuan-sized assholes coming together in New York City this week. Hey Sarah, if Donald Trump is the only friend you have in New York then you are in serious trouble.

Why Does Everyone Seem a Bit Nuts? 5/27/11

Woke up to some shitty news…Gil Scott-Heron has died. “You will not be able to stay home brothas…”

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Did anyone watch President Barack Obama’s speech in Ireland on Monday? Because I still can’t stop thinking about it. They treated him like he was an American rock star, not a head of state. The reception this man gets in the rest of the world is the greatest I have ever seen in my life. The minute he said “Hello Ireland,” the crowd exploded in wild cheers. I thought it was Steven Tyler about to break into “Walk This Way” or “Sweet Emotion.” And even more compelling was how the usual clouds that cover the Emerald Isle parted and the sun came out the minute he started talking. I am serious, YouTube it and you will see. For someone who is considered by some religious nuts in his own country to be the Anti-Christ, he certainly has nature on his side and is loved everywhere else.

So I’m watching CNN and the ticker read “George W Bush Finally Breaks His Silence on the Events of the Middle East.” Finally? Really? How about that retard stay silent on every issue, every time? He does a lot better getting out of the way of foul balls at Texas Rangers games. Serioiusly asking GW Bush's opinion on the Middle East is like asking a serial killer like Ted Bundy how cute his victims were.

Even though I would love to celebrate this a bit more, let me just say that it’s been a bad 4 weeks for terrorist assholes. Osama Bin Laden, and the capture of Bernard Munyagishari, a Hutu asshole responsible for genocide in Rwanda, and then there is the capture of Serbian asshole Ratko Mladic, also responsible for the genocide during the Bosnian Wars. Serbia has had the audacity to say that he is harmless because he has had three strokes. I say, I don’t give a shit if he is drooling in a wheelchair and asking for his mama, he must be brought to justice. Let’s just hope that the Hague doesn’t take a few decades dragging thier feet only to have the defendant eventually drop dead while awaiting trial like they did with Milosevic.

SPORTS

I really am into the NBA Playoffs more so than I have been in a long time. I’m rooting for Dallas and I was hoping the Chicago Bulls would play them in the Finals but it didn’t turn out that way. Still, Dirk Nowitzki is finally getting the credit he deserves, and I would love to see Jason Kidd win a ring.

Did someone put some type of moron juice in Scottie Pippen’s coffee yesterday morning? Is he still that bitter and sad about playing second fiddle to Michael Jordan all those years that he had the audacity to spew that he thinks LeBron James is a better player? If “Da’ Pip” really believes that James was a more complete player than Jordan, then he agrees with what I have been saying for years, the best player in the NBA was Ervin “Magic” Johnson. So let’s just end this now...LeBron James will never, ever, be a better player than Jordan. Ever. The basketball Gods have spoken…

ASSHOLE OF THE WEEK

This award goes to Mitt Romney, and for the first time ever, I have no idea why. In a fund raising stop in Chicago, Romney decided to stop at a local pizza place. He ordered some food and decided to send the leftovers to the Obama re-election headquarters. Ok if anyone can tell me why this is funny or what it actually means, I would appreciate it. Or is he just batshit? For now I’m going with batshit.

Someone's Present and Future Earnings Just Got "Terminated." 5/19/11

Hey, sorry about last week, but I was a bit melancholy after having discovered that my mom was once very close friends with Arnold Shwarzenegger. Although the DNA tests came back negative, I still can’t explain why I could bench press 300 pounds when I was 4 years old.

And why is this woman smiling? Because news is that Maria Shriver has hired a lawyer, not just any lawyer, but Laura Wasser. For those of you who don’t know her, let me give you an image…Imagine yourself on a playground waiting for a basketball court, and the guy who has next with you just happens to be Kobe Bryant…Or let me put it to you this way, Arnold just got half his assets and present and future earnings “Tehr-men-ayted.”

And speaking of Ah-nold movies, does “Conan the Barbarian” really need to be re-made?

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Newt Gingrich sure started his presidential campaign off with a strong, inspired whimper didn’t he? First he had to backpedal with the dexterity of Lance Armstrong when confronted about his position on healthcare, then there are his 3 marriages, his adultery, his wife’s really creepy stare, and just in case his week wasn’t complete, he got glitter thrown at him by a gay guy during a book signing. Nice campaign.

And did I hear President Barack Obama correctly when he suggested Israel go back to the borders of 1967 in a speech today? Yeah ok…that has about as much chance of ever happening as Michele Bachman learning to read a newspaper or check facts.

SPORTS

Just what the fuck does Kevin Durant have in that backback? Why would he even need a backpack? It's not like he spent any significant amount of time in college or anything.

I always knew that Kareem Abdul Jabbar was a bit of an angry dude, but complaining over not getting a statue at Staples Center? Really? Not that he doesn’t deserve it, he most certainly does. Not only is he the NBA’s all-time leading scorer, but he has 3 NCAA Championships with UCLA, 5 NBA Championships with the Lakers, and 6 NBA MVP’s. But don’t toot your own horn Kareem, that behavior is beneath you. And remember getting statues is part achievement, and part popularity contest. Oscar De La Hoya has one, so let’s keep this in perspective.  

Jorge Posada is neither a villain nor a hero, he is just an aging ballplayer who is upset at being dropped in the line up. This is nothing new, it’s just magnified because it’s New York, and because team captain Derek Jeter kinda backed him up. Probably not because Posada was right, but because one day, and that day looks to be sooner than later, it will be Jeter being dropped in the line up.

But what I found even more compelling is last night’s game in Baltimore. And Joe Girardi doing something that he did in his first season with the Yankees; over-managing. Bartolo Colon shouldn’t even be in the majors this season, but it was an impressive season of winter baseball that caught coach Tony Pena’s eye and got him a spring try-out with the Yankees. Colon has responded by having one of his best season starts ever. Last night he pitched an eight inning shut out on only 87 pitches, and was inexplicably taken out in the 9^th inning by Girardi. Now, anyone can yell at a television, bellowing that this was a mistake, it doesn’t mean you know baseball, and Mariano Rivera in the 9^th is certainly not a risk so pipe down, Ty Cobb.

My problem with this is that Colon has done everything the Yankees have asked of him, and when Phil Hughes’ arm gave out, he took over his slot and has performed brilliantly. He deserves the respect that any other pitcher throwing a shut out would get; he deserved to be given at least a chance to finish his game. Now once again, no one could have predicted that Mariano would have blown the save and the game would have gone another 6 innings, but that’s what happened. My point is that is should have been Colon’s game to win or lose, and after all his hard work he ended up with a no-decision. Girardi needs to get a hold of this now, no one wants another “Bronx Zoo.” Well, unless they win of course, then it becomes kinda fun to watch.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Well if Judgment Day really is this Saturday, May 21^st, then what am I gonna do with the Yankee tickets I have for August?

Really? 5/6/11

Before I even get started, let me just say that no heterosexual man, under any circumstances, should have his bellybutton pierced.

NEWS & CURRENT EVENTS

Why is it that Republican nit-wits are so terrified of the big black president that they cannot give him credit for doing what retarded George W Bush could not? Seriously they take every opportunity to say that Osama Bin Laden was caught thanks to the intelligence gathered during the Bush administration. Really? Then why didn’t they go get him? And why did Bush say in an interview, and I quote, "I don't know where bin Laden is. I have no idea and really don't care. It's not that important. It's not our priority," and, "I am truly not that concerned about him."  3/13/02. Seriously, even remotely giving GW Bush credit for killing Osama Bin Laden is like giving Forrest Gump credit for ending the Vietnam War.

And while Bush was busy not caring, President Barack Obama was keeping his promise to go and get Bin Laden where ever he was. As for what exactly Pakistan did or did not know, I can’t really say, but either way they look bad and with allies like this we may no longer need enemies. Now, this warhawk-ish cry to stop aid to the only Muslim country who will even talk to us in the region is a bit premature, and this needs to be handled delicately. They look bad enough so let’s not make it worse, at least not now. As for releasing his death pictures, I have to respect that it is the President's call, but you know what? I’m from New York City, I served in the military and I’m a taxpayer. These operations in the Middle East since 2001 have cost $1.19 trillion, not to mention thousands of American lives, and although I hate to admit it, I’d like to see a bullet smashed head for my troubles. 

Sorry Republicans, but Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh and Sarah Palin didn’t do this, Obama the Kenyan Muslim did, deal with it. And he is coming for your guns and Bibles next! And then, he will take away your Krispy Kremes and deep fried pork fat!

And finally, a shout out (no pun intended) to JSOC and the sailors of SEAL Team 6. Now that you got Bin Laden, you think you can take care of the assholes responsible for the daily increase in gas prices? And while you are at it, see if you can take out that wild beast living on Donald Trump’s head disguised as a combover.

SPORTS

Those “voluntary” workouts being held by NFL players on their own is a nice gesture until a middle tier player without a Tom Brady-sized bank account and no medical coverage gets hurt. I’d skip this and just let the whole lockout drama play out in court. 

And has anyone else been noticing the NBA Playoffs? This has been one of the most exciting playoffs that I can remember, and there is a very good chance that we might see an NBA Finals this year that does not include the Spurs, Celtics or even the Lakers. Younger teams are coming on strong like Chicago and League MVP Derrick Rose, Memphis who I correctly predicted would do damage if they kept that young core together, and Oklahoma City who have one of the best players in Kevin Durant. Of course Miami is finally starting to roll, but I would love to see one of these young teams make a dent in this old boys club that is the NBA Finals, and I stress the word “old.”  And one more thing NBA, can you please fine any player that when talking about the game uses the phrase “We just have to play (insert team name here) basketball.” It’s annoying and limited sounding.

THIS WEEK’S REASON WHY TERRORISTS WANNA KILL US

Uhh…I think this one might be obvious

What An Interesting Week 5/2/11

President Barack Obama is having just as good a week as I am…

I was still recovering from Royal Wedding hangover when I heard the news…It took ten years, cost billions of dollars and thousands of US lives, I guess the question is whether or not the death of Osama Bin Laden was worth it. The overwhelming consensus seems to be “yes.” And I have to agree. At this point, ten years after the attacks of 9/11, Bin Laden was reduced to a figure head, a symbol of anti-US sentiment. No longer an actual leader, but a powerful symbol none the less. His death with further splinter a group that has no real charismatic leader to replace him. In the Van Halen of terrorists groups, only Sammy Hagars and Gary Cherones remain.

Of course US actions in Afghanistan greatly weakened Al-Qaeda’s ability to recruit suicide bombers and other terrorists, but the greatest blow to recruitment has come from the Muslim world itself. With a population of over 60% under 30 years old, these Muslims have grown up at a time where access to information is so readily available they know better than to believe that whole “72 Virgins” bullshit. And whether it’s Iran, Tunisia, Yemen, Egypt or Libya, young Muslims will no longer support being lied to, and have taken real action to be free. These actions have nothing to do with supporting the United States, and everything to do with wanting a better life. And in the end, a man hiding not in a cave, but in a million dollar mansion, and (allegedly) using his own wife as a human shield to avoid US bullets is hardly a revolutionary symbol anyone would admire.

As for the operation itself I will only say that the best thing the US did was not share the information with our “allies” in Pakistan, as he was living in their backyard. That propaganda fed to the ignorant that “Allah was protecting Bin Laden” was not God but sympathetic Pakistani intelligence officials who I can only hope are also brought to justice. I just hope the Halal guys on the corner of 73^rd and Broadway don’t shut down!

Some have asked whether or not this guarantees Obama’s re-election next year to which I replied, in the words of Harvey Keitel in “Pulp Fiction”…"Ahh, let’s not start sucking each other’s dicks just yet." Never underestimate the power of stupidity. But I will say that the birth certificate issue being slammed shut and now this, things are looking good. All Obama needs for his approval rating to go as high as Bill Clinton’s in 1999 is to get an intern to blow him.

And finally, some advice for the US State Department…

The next time you brief the retarded President on September 9^th, 2001 that a potential US ally was murdered in Afghanistan and he ignores you, it’s OK to remind him that he is a retard and go on high alert despite his indifference.

Outside of my parents, I have very few people I admire, try to emulate, or even give two shits about. Other than wishing that I was reincarnated as Snoop Dogg, I also have no real passion for celebrities or World figures. This is due to the fact that one of my heroes, Professor John Louis Cooper always told me “Don’t look for heroes.” The greatest freedom fighter Afghanistan had ever seen was a man who I would have gladly fought for named Ahmad Shah Massoud. He kicked the shit out of the Russians when they were in Afghanistan and was known not only as the “Lion of Panjshir” but a Nobel Peace Prize nominee in 2002, and more importantly to us, as “The Afghan who ended the Cold War.” His Northern Alliance was driven into the mountains after the Taliban took over and he flatly rejected their doctrines.

He was our strongest political ally should we have ever had to go into Afghanistan, and no one knew this better than Al-Qaeda and the Taliban, which is why he was killed in a suicide bomb attack, two days before the World Trade Center attacks. The enemy knew that without Massoud, there would be no one in country to help the Allies once they retaliated. When you are supposedly monitoring those responsible for the USS Cole and the Embassy bombings in Tanzania and Kenya, and your biggest local ally is killed, shouldn’t you have at least lifted your ten gallon hat-sized head out of your Texas BBQ pit and done some investigating? Let’s hope we learned something from this.

I’m glad there are some celebrations, it’s not like we couldn’t use something to celebrate given how divided we have become in this country. Kinda like how the British were united celebrating the Royal Wedding, except our celebration came with automatic weapons and a dead asshole!